Beauty will always matter to women, but for the love of god, this ain’t beauty, ladies! Just stop already.

24 Oct

Let’s redefine beauty to include older women, shall we?   I don’t mean change the standards of beauty to include haggard, fat, scrappy old broads with shitty hair and crap clothes.  Those ladies are valuable for about a million different reasons, but beauty ain’t one of them!  I mean beauty – the art and act of  looking lovely.

This is Melanie Griffith, and god bless her, I don’t know what she was thinking but she looks fucking terrible.  She is 53 in this picture.  She looks … like a desperately unhappy 53 year old who can’t quite believe she isn’t 20 anymore.

We all know them.  Those puffy lipped desperate housewives type plastizombies.  Nicole Kidman.  Bette Midler.  Darryl Hannah.  Carla Bruni.  Fucking fuck, ladies.  You look like shit!  Now let’s be clear.  I’m not shitting on beauty.  Not at all.  I love beauty, I care about the tiny slice I have been apportioned and


I hate hate hate seeing it fade.  But I also know the solution.               




Here is Emma Thompson.  She is also 53.  Or somewhere around there.  Don’t be so fucking pedantic.

She is gorgeous.  She is a gorgeous 53 year old woman.  And more importantly, she looks FUN!  And that my friends is the secret to beauty. Yes, you need to be slim and have fabulous hair and pay some attention to what you yanked on for clothes this morning (although being slim makes pretty much EVERYTHING look good)but you need to have that sparkle in your eye and that spring in your step that says CONFIDENT! SASSY! FUN!

And by no means does this mean you have to be conventionally attractive – HELLO GORGEOUS CAITLIN MORAN!

Pleasant.  Charming.  Gracious.   Lovely.  Raunchy.  Fun.  Feminism has done a bang up job convincing women that these are all qualities that serve as some nefarious plot the patriarchy has hatched to make women really enjoyable to be around.   CAN’T HAVE THAT!

The sad thing is that women have started to believe this.  Beauty is only skin deep.  Let’s pump our faces full of plastic and neurotoxins ‘cause then we’ll be gorgeous!  IT

DOESN’T WORK! You look fucking horrible.

Skip the botox ladies.  Seriously.  It looks like shit.  Try a smile.  Be friendly.  Be nice.  Cultivate charming.  Find your sense of fun.  And jesus, go easy on the cheesecake!

That’s beauty.  Thank god for beauty.  

Sorry Melanie, my bad…..Sorry Melanie, we really loved Working Girl.

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