Men talk about their feelings all the time. They just don’t use words.

7 Nov

A common cultural trope is that men don’t like to express their feelings, and women’s magazines and websites devote enormous amounts of space teaching women how to correct this “flaw” in men.

Here are some examples:

http://www.lovepanky.com/women/attracting-and-dating-men/how-to-get-your-man-to-open-up

http://www.catchhimandkeephim.com/index.html?s=79008&mkwid=sUVSKtdqC&pcrid=16391925019&pmt=b&pkw=how%20to%20get%20a%20man&plc=

http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2008/10/getting-mr-strong-and-silent-to-talk-about-feelings/

This super irritates JudgyBitch for two reasons:

First, it is based on the assumption that the way women communicate is automatically best and everyone else (read: men) should be forced into accepting and imitating that excellence.  If women like words and tears and dramatic gestures and consider all of those things perfectly acceptable forms of communication, well then, dammit, men should, too.  If women like to use their words to show how they feel, then everyone else should use their words, too.

This falls in line with the general effort to define men as not just DIFFERENT, but WRONG and quite possibly BAD.  Acceptable men are the ones that act like women, accept women’s moral superiority and strive to imitate women in their thoughts and actions and beliefs.  Some men are like that naturally and good for them.  But most men are beaten into submission by the ubiquitous cultural message that they are flawed and must be fixed.  I hate my son growing up in a world that tells him his natural instincts and proclivities are bad and that the only solution is to leash himself to a woman who will civilize him.  Correct him.  Improve him.  I hope LittleDude grows up to see how much bullshit that is.

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Which leads to my second point:  men talk about their feelings ALL THE DAMN TIME, they just don’t use words.  Men show you how they feel by WHAT THEY DO.  Sometimes, very rarely, Mr. JudgyBitch is a dick and when he is, we don’t have a long conversation about it.  He brings me flowers, and he hates buying flowers!  Those flowers say everything though.  They say, “honey, I’m sorry.  I know I upset you and I feel terrible about that and I’m sorry and I know you will forgive me because you love me and I want you to know how much I love you, too”.  No words exchanged, but so much said.

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When he sends you a picture he snapped with his phone of a beautiful sky or a crazy traffic jam or the sauce he spilled on his tie, he is telling you how he feels.  “Look at this sky!  It’s gorgeous and it makes me think of you.  I want to share this with you.”  Or  “Christ, look at this traffic.  Man this pisses me off.  I feel frustrated and angry and I need to think about you so I can calm the fuck down and not kill everybody.”

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When he scootches over on the couch so you can have the warm spot, he is telling you “I love you and I think about your comfort and I want to make sure you feel warm and cosy”.  When he unloads the dishwasher, he is telling you “you look tired and you have had a long day and I want to pitch in and help you out because I care about you”.  When he walks past you and stops to give you a peck on the cheek, he is telling you “I can’t imagine my life without you.”

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Men don’t typically use words to describe how they feel.  They use actions.  A man’s love is in what he DOES, so before you take a breath to start bitching about how he never talks to you, stop for a second to consider what he does for you, and listen.  Listen to the silence.  All his feelings are in it. Acknowledge it.  Say “thank you”.  And remember that for most men, the inverse is true, too.  He watches what you DO for him to see if you love him.  Your actions speak volumes.

So be nice.  Do nice things.  Don’t talk.  Do.  Talk a walk on his side of the communication divide and you might just realize that he never shuts up about how he feels.  Even if he never says a word.

Lots of love,

JB

14 Responses to “Men talk about their feelings all the time. They just don’t use words.”

  1. A♠ November 7, 2012 at 22:40 #

    Fantastic post.

    You brightened my day.

    Like

  2. princesspixiepointless November 8, 2012 at 07:55 #

    Holy Crap, has Chris Carter been reading his Cosmo to find out the perfect length of stubble to do promotional videos to make women melt, lame. Or is he just lazy…cute though…bet his friends think he’s a right wang!

    Like

  3. princesspixiepointless November 8, 2012 at 07:56 #

    Yeah, Mr.JB loves you soo much, he is forever emptying that fucking dishwasher!

    Like

  4. judgybitch November 8, 2012 at 11:48 #

    Ha ha! He cooked dinner last night! Meaning he stood outside in the cold instead of me.

    It was BBQ thai skewers.

    I’ll take it!

    Like

  5. Thanatos November 28, 2012 at 03:46 #

    Truth.

    Ladies,if you want to get married some day,listen to this woman.

    Like

  6. Samuel Solomon November 29, 2012 at 20:20 #

    women, conversely, could take a page from the men’s book and STFU sometimes.

    Like

  7. Mina April 29, 2013 at 16:43 #

    Nice. Love your site.

    Like

  8. M3 July 4, 2013 at 17:27 #

    My new gf and i have been getting fairly serious over the last little while. She and i both come from failed marriages. So recently she asked me if i was ever going to be able to say ‘I love you’, given how badly i was burned in mine.

    I told her ‘Babe, if we get to a point where i love you, you are going to know it without me ever saying a word… you’re simply going to feel it.’

    She smiled and was happy with that answer.

    She’s been feeling a lot of love lately, in every department.

    Like when she developed a fever, and i tucked her into bed, made her a juice, drove out to the drug store and bought a cute frog thermometer for her to confirm her temp, and made her take some ibuprofin even tho she was initially against taking them, i alpha’d up and told her to take them. Then i let her sleep in while i periodically checked her forehead temp.

    Yea, i dare say i may just be falling for this one. At the very least i’m smitten.

    And yes.. she is very appreciative and said thank you the next day for looking after her. She’s also showing her appreciation in other ways too 😉

    Dare i say i think she’s in love with me too 😛

    Like

  9. Elaine August 25, 2013 at 13:47 #

    Aw. That’s lovely!

    Like

  10. Aıcha July 10, 2014 at 05:15 #

    Perfect #JB absolutely perfect .

    Like

  11. Rick Westlake July 24, 2014 at 16:33 #

    That’s not merely “lovely,” Elaine. That’s love.

    Like

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