The person raising your child is the person who does the WORK of raising your child. If you’ve hired someone to do that, THEY are raising your child, not you.

15 Nov

So, our very good friend JudgyAsshole got himself into some trouble at work the other day.  One of his colleagues, SelfishShrew, who recently had a baby, came into the office with her little one in tow, and mentioned that she would be back at work very soon.  “Really,” said JA, “what about your baby?”


“Oh,” said SelfishShrew, “she’s going to daycare.”



JA gave her a look of pity and stroked the baby’s cheek and said, “that’s too bad”, and he walked away as Selfish Shrew looked on, devastated.  Later, several other women in the office cornered JA to ask for clarification on his views about daycare, which he was happy to give, since JA doesn’t give two fucks what the bitches in the office think of him.  He was clear that he thought daycare sucked and should only be a last resort.  As in, you and the kid will STARVE on the street if you don’t work.  But working because you WANT to?  Nah.  That’s bullshit.


The interesting part of JA’s day came when one of the male partners came to him to ask him about his comment to SelfishShrew.  BigGuy and his wife are thinking of having children, and BigGuy was curious about JA’s stance on daycare.  BigGuy is pretty sure that if he had a kid, that kid would definitely be going to a daycare center, and his wife would be going back to work.


So JA asked him, “why don’t you just adopt a five year old then?  The kid can go straight to school and you and your wife can go back to work?”  “Because I don’t want to raise someone’s else’s kid”, was BigGuy’s response.  “Oh,” said JA.  “But you’ll pay someone else to raise YOURS?”



JA is part of a new, younger generation of men who were RAISED in daycare centers, and as JA says, “I don’t really remember much about it except that it sucked.  I remember standing at the window watching my mom leave, and I won’t be doing that to my kids.”


Today’s Daily Mail has a feature warning women not to give up their day jobs after becoming mothers, because it’s awfully hard to get back on the work track once you’re off it.  But this is such a false dichotomy.  EITHER be at home with your children OR go out to work and pay someone else to raise them, in which case, why have children at all?


One of the cruelest lies older women tell younger women is that they won’t CARE about their babies and children, and that it will be EASY and ultimately FULFILLING to work at a “job” rather than work at home, raising the children you have decided to have.  And that’s just not true.  Most women HATE leaving their children in daycare centers, but they have not been prepared by other women to set up their lives so that they will have REAL, ACTUAL choices about what they want to do.


It starts with picking a career and credentials carefully.  Young women should ASSUME they will want to be home with their little ones while they are little, and choose their programs and courses and training accordingly.  And don’t think for one second that men get a free pass on this.  Most men automatically assume they will be the breadwinners and don’t even contemplate courses or programs that won’t result in some kind of reliable employment.


Why should we uncritically accept men’s timelines for our own careers?  Why should we accept that we will go get training, start a job and then scramble for the top at just the moment when we have small children who so desperately need us? Screw that!  Why should we have children and then pay others to raise them?  And why should any child stand at a window, watching his mother go?



It starts with being honest amongst ourselves.  Women need to tell other women the truth.  Being at home with children is a JOY.  Of course there are moments of hair-pulling frustration and chaos.  But what job doesn’t have that?  Being at home with children is the most important thing any woman can possibly do with her life or time WHEN HER CHILDREN ARE SMALL.


Did you get that?  Of course, women should have every opportunity open to them, but not when they have little children.  Life is long.  There is plenty of time for a career once your children are off to school.  The children YOU decided to have.  And if you HAVE them, then RAISE them. The moment you decided to bring another person into the world, you agreed that YOUR NEEDS ARE NO LONGER FIRST.


So raise your own children.  Don’t leave them weeping at a window, wondering why you’re leaving.  Or, you know, don’t have kids.  Whatever.  Your call.


Lots of love,


5 Responses to “The person raising your child is the person who does the WORK of raising your child. If you’ve hired someone to do that, THEY are raising your child, not you.”

  1. heroditus huxley November 15, 2012 at 21:24 #

    I don’t want someone else raising my kids. I don’t want to see them cry while I walk away. We carefully planned for that, to minimize the amount of hours per week my child(ren) would spend in someone else’s care. Then, we realized that almost no one in the English department for which I teach is willing to teach online.

    Perfect solution, there. I’m still teaching. Completely online, while I stay home with my kids. And I write.

    The kids are a full-time job. Everything else is part-time or hobby.


  2. judgybitch November 15, 2012 at 23:03 #

    It CAN be done! Thanks for your story!


  3. jheubschman November 16, 2012 at 01:17 #

    Fucking Love this Post


  4. Sahm December 9, 2013 at 14:02 #

    Love love love this post. I have sacrificed SO much to stay home with my children. I carried them for 9 months so why would I leave them in someone else’s care when they are still an infant just so i can go back to work? No one is going to love or care for my baby the way I do! I wouldnt even let one of my closest friends borrow my car, how could I drop off my BABY, my flesh and blood, to some stranger with seemingly good enough credentials. And i am sorry to those that say working and putting ur kids in daycare = raising your children, it doesnt. You are only with your kids a few hours a day while they are awake and then on the weekends. You basically see them as often as a part-time parent would.

    People have become so wrapped up in superficial petty materialistic things that theyd rather have the huge home, 3 cars, and 2 vacations every year than sacrifice that to stay home with their kids. Not me. Proud SAHM!!


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