When I first mentioned that I wanted a drug, scalpel and needle free home birth to Mr. JudgyBitch, he was completely horrified. He had imagined himself pacing the hospital corridor, or maybe at the head of the stretcher, swathed in a surgical blue gown, encouraging me to breathe or at least not scream so loud. His entire concept of birth was medicalized and filled with the threat of disaster and death. Having grown up on a farm, I had a somewhat different understanding of birth, and how beautiful it could be, and I was determined to take my place amongst the roster of women who just shut the fuck up and got on with it.
Mr. JudgyBitch took a lot of convincing. The fact that we were literally six minutes away from the best hospital in the region finally swayed him, but he attended every midwife appointment with me, took copious notes and asked impossibly precise questions. When the time finally came, he was actually pleased to have a series of important activities that required his calm, assertive action. Fill the birth tub, warm the towels, prepare the bowl of ice chips, put up the temperature, have the phone on hand, plug in the kettle to keep the tub warm. His presence was not only lovely, but required. I think he loved feeling so useful.
It was not easy. The pain was extraordinary. Long contractions that punched the air out of my lungs, and Mr.JB was noticeably distraught at seeing me in such agony. But it was not unbearable. It was manageable, mostly because I entered the process of labor and birth knowing that I AM NOT THE FIRST FUCKING WOMAN WHO HAS EVER GIVEN BIRTH. I approached birth knowing myself to be in a millennium long line of women who have sucked it up and got it done. Sure, some women died giving birth, and make no mistake, I was and am profoundly grateful to be living in a time where it is exceptionally unlikely that I will die giving birth, but I also knew that most women can do this, and I am NOT THAT FUCKING SPECIAL.
I don’t think I will ever forget the sound of Mr.JB greeting his little daughter for the first time. He said “Oh hello. Hello my precious little darling,” and I die now, just remembering. Mr. JB cut the umbilical cord once it had stopped pulsing and we were all in tears, except for the baby. She seemed surprised, but not THAT surprised. She studied us carefully with her ocean blue eyes. Our excellent and wonderful friend, SuzyQ was with us, and she took PinkyPinkyPie and wrapped her in warm towels and danced Pinky’s first dance while Mr.JB helped me out of the tub, which was a little murky, but contained not a speck of blood.
From start to finish, Pinky took 12 hours to arrive and it was the most strenuous, exhausting 12 hours I had ever experienced, but ladies and gentlemen, I was on my feet, feeling more or less perfect TWENTY MINUTES LATER. Why? Because I was a fit young woman and my body was designed to do just what I had done. Give birth to a beautiful, healthy, robust, happy little girl.
Our next two children were also delivered at home by me, assisted by Mr. JB and a team of midwives and while they were different, they were also the same. I took a deep breath, wrapped my brain around the fact that birth hurts and just went ahead and did it. I firmly believe that babies are best served when birth is natural and does not involve any artificial hormones or narcotics injected into mommy’s spinal fluid. I knew it would hurt. It DID hurt, but I put my children’s well-being above that.
And that right there is the whole fucking point. Women who go into labor concerned primarily about THEIR OWN PAIN are in no mental position to make the sacrifices motherhood requires. As long as they are putting themselves at the center of their birth narrative, they are primed to SUCK ASS as mothers. It isn’t about you. Birth is the first lesson of motherhood: THIS AIN’T ABOUT YOU ANYMORE, BITCH. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you will need to find the mental stamina to get through it. Yes, you will face a wall of pain so enormous you will want to give in, give up, throw up. But you get through it. You put the needs of your baby first and you get through it.
This does NOT mean you never have any medical interventions. Bullshit. Don’t even try to spin it as that. When your baby’s heart rate plummets, you take action. If you need a section, THEN YOU BLOODY WELL HAVE ONE. That’s all part of putting the baby first. His safety is what you will live for from this moment forth. Her life is your life. There are no compromises.
What I’m talking about are women who SCHEDULE their c-sections. Who scream for an epidural at the first hint of a contraction. Who put themselves at the center of the birth and expect everyone and everything to leap into action to prevent the slightest discomfort on their part. Too posh to push. Not like other women. Special, special snowflakes.
These are the women who see children as property. You wouldn’t let the vacuum cleaner shock you every time you turned it on (or ordered the housekeeper to). Why should your own child be any different? Why should your child be the source of any discomfort or inconvenience whatsoever? These are the women who are back in their cubicles or flying their desks as CEO of a global corporation within days of giving birth because the needs of their baby don’t matter one fucking little bit.
How lovely for Mayer’s new son. He likely knows where he ranks in his mother’s priorities already. Somewhere between Jack and Shit. Poor little guy. Hope he has a nanny that won’t stab him when Mommy demands the nanny pick up housework on the side.
Birth is the first test of a woman’s integrity. Do you understand the job and the responsibilities? You have just hired a new manager, and he will need to eat every two hours no matter what you feel like. If you aren’t prepared to make the sacrifices necessary (and really, they aren’t sacrifices at all, but a key route to happiness) then please, for the love of god, get a dog.
Although really, poor dog.
Lots of love,
JB
judgybitch 
Both of mine were early. My son was dangerously so, and spent his first weeks in the hospital. My little girl was distressed, so I wound up having an episiotomy, since she was almost out, anyway.
I am very small. My husband is very large. I don’t have enough room for my children’s safety.
I am no longer the one that really matters. They are. It’s why I’m a work from home mom, despite how much I miss my classroom.
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Your children’s needs dictated the interventions necessary. That’s perfect. Exactly how should it be.
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Missed your site until now. LOVE it! Mrs. AMD had two midwife assisted, no-drug births, though in a hospital (that actually allowed the midwives in lieu of Drs.). And we worked well together, much to the surprise of the nurse (who looked about 5 days removed from getting her nursing license), despite the fact my wife had both kids facing backwards (forget what that is caused, but gave her tremendous back pains).
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Gah!!!!
Back labor! All three of mine came out face down. Very painful indeed!
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I had my daughter at home on the settee and was only in labour for an hour but she developed laboured breathing a few hours later and I spent 4 nights in hospital with her afterwards. I hate being in hospitals but I am still glad to have them there in case something goes wrong. Of course I prefer a home birth but not all women have the option.
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No. It absolutely does not make you a better mother than me. How dare you say such a thing!
I had four unmedicated homebirths. The midwife didn’t arrive in time for the third, so that one was unassisted.
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I keep coming back and here and finding stuff I like. I too have 3 kids, all born without drugs. My last one I had in a jacuzzi to Santana Supernatural. That was a fun one! and yeah, being judgey bitch myself it does make me better than women who go with the entire elective drugs and interventions births they serve you at the hospital. Natural is better for the baby therefore it’s our responsibility to grit our teeth and deal with it. 😉
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Homebirth is one of the most stupid, unnecessary risky, selfish things you can do in your life.
No, scratch that. It takes the second place, behind the woman who gives birth to a baby God knows where and leaves her in the hospital’s garbage bin.That has happened in my practice, too.
I’m a Bulgarian OB/GYN with 20 years of practice. I’ve helped many a little fella come into this world. However, sometimes women hinder my efforts from pure “green obsession”, or, as in your case, hero complex. As you probably see from my harsh words, my heart still fucking bleeds for their babies.
Homebirth can go wrong on oh so many levels, and even an experienced OB/GYN (which you had not), with a trained team of ER nurses (much superior to any of your midwives) can do jack shit without the proper hospital equipment, which must be available within not minutes, but seconds. You live 5 minutes from a hospital? Touch luck. Unless you live in the middle of the maternal yard in a tent or something, you must not give birth at home. This said, I adore judgy bitches, and you seem like one of the coolest. Consider this post a friendly, stern slap across the mouth by your friendly, ever caring family doctor.
Good luck!
Dr. Yordanov
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Nonsense. You’re clouded by your training. Millions of women gave birth without hospitals and doctors, for millions of years.
The leading cause of maternal mortality: infection.
Nothing to do with birth difficulties.
But thanks for your comment!
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My dear lady, I’m thankful to whatever deity guided you and your children to safe births. And I really, really wish my training was the culprit of my “clouded thinking”. Unfortunately, it’s not my training , it’s my practice. Just 2 months ago we had yet another case of a homebirth resulting in death for the newborn and, since our state does not take stupidity lightly, a sentence for the idiot of a nurse who decided to give it a try the natural way. No medical professional in BG is allowed to assist in a birth at home, and for a good reason. Please, do not dismiss my point of view lightly. Even judgy bitches, ESPECIALLY judgy bitches, must be on guard for risky behaviour and point it out to others. I, as a health practitioner, am required to keep my mouth shut and hold my opinions to myself, and clean the mess regardless of the amount of shitty decisions the mother throws at me. You, however, are not bound by these obligations. Don’t let your own good (thanks gods again!) experience be you guide, for it’s misleading.
Leading cause of natal death in a homebirth, by the way, is not infection, unfortunately. If it was, it could be dealt with. However, the bad guy here is hypoxia of the newborn, usually caused by prolonged birth. These are the statistics in Bulgaria, and this is what I have observed.
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I wonder how many of those births were truly low-risk? Here in North America, the biggest complication is obesity, which is was not a problem for me.
When my son was born, I had a 36 hour labor. My attending midwife was a trained OB-GYN from Belarus, but she was not able to pass the certification process here, so she took midwife training instead. She was completely confident in our safety throughout the entire labor. The baby’s heart rate was always stable, assessed with a doppler monitor.
If the baby had shown distress after prolonged labor, we would have transferred to hospital. My understanding is the hypoxia shows up pretty early on. Any woman who ignores signs of distress in favor of fulfilling her fantasy of homebirth is indeed nuts. None of my children showed any distress.
The were born into water that was a bit murky from amniotic fluid, but contained not a drop of blood. No injury to mommy at all.
My births were attended by two midwives (six years of training) – one for me and one for the baby, and we had oxygen and resuscitation equipment on hand, which was not needed in my case.
The ambulance station is informed of all homebirths, and supplied with a map to the home.
I think we have a pretty good handle on home births, but again, they must be low-risk to begin with.
When I refer to your training, I mean that you are trained to respond to the slightest risk, which leads you to evaluate all risk factors as unacceptably high. Too bad bankers don’t get a little of that training.
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(sorry to resurrect an old thread) My mom had her first without any kind of epidural or anesthetic. Then she decided “fuck it” and had epidurals for the next three. I guess she chickened out, but she did go without once out of four births. Other than that though, she had a fairy traditional birthing for all four of us.
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