Flowers, a wedding ring and a good story! It better be true, fucker.

26 Nov

One thing I believe I have mentioned about Mr.JB is that he fucking hates buying flowers.  He says he might as well just put some cash in acid and watch it dissolve on the table over the course of a few days.  And of course, he’s right, but PRETTY!  I like flowers so so much! Every once in a while Mr. JB is a giant dick to me, and even though I’m seething, I’m also thinking “Yay! I get flowers!”, because that is the ONLY time he will buy them for me.


So imagine my surprise when he walked in the door Friday after work with the groceries I asked him to pick up and FLOWERS!



I was immediately suspicious.  Uh-oh.  What don’t I know?  He said I had just seemed a little sad, and he thought some flowers might cheer me up.  Aww.  How sweet! I wasn’t sad, really.  A little tired, maybe.  Also, bullshit.  Something had to be up, but Mr.JB swore up and down there was NOTHING going on.


I kept coming up with all the possible scenarios that might have inspired the flowers, but Mr. JB stalwartly refused to admit to any wrongdoing whatsoever and said he was going to have to bring me flowers more often just to prove it.  What a great idea!  Our good friend PrinceCharming showed up for dinner, and as planned, Charming and Mr. JB headed out to a local bar afterwards for a few drinks and to scout out women for Charming, who is inexplicably single.


And that was the last I heard from them until Mr. JB texted me the next morning at 6AM to tell me he was sleeping at a friend’s house. He arrived home around noon, looking a little rough but in a jolly mood.  It was a few hours later that the ring finger on his RIGHT hand started to hurt.  The only piece of jewellery Mr. JB wears is his wedding band, which I distinctly recall placing on his LEFT hand oh, just over 12 years ago.



So here’s his story:  it was cold out last night and when he dropped his hand to his side, his wedding band nearly slid off!  He didn’t want to lose it, so he took it off and put it on his right hand, which is a little bigger than his left hand.  The cold made his fingers smaller so it was relatively easy to slide the ring onto his right hand and then he carried on with Charming and never gave it another thought.  They ran into some friends and a neighbor, ended up at someone’s house and Mr.JB had a bit too much to drink and decided to spend the night since he wasn’t able to safely drive.


Actually, not an unusual occurrence.  Mr. JB NEVER drives under the influence.  He’s just not that guy.  His sense of responsibility for the safety of others never dissipates.  Not ever.  He’s a pretty terrific guy.


But really?  Hmm.  Let’s see.  You went out to a bar with a single friend, took off your wedding band and didn’t come home.  More than one way to interpret that situation, isn’t there?  AND YOU BROUGHT FLOWERS THE DAY BEFORE.  Oh yeah.  Definitely more than one interpretation.


You’re probably wondering, well why in the hell didn’t he just switch the ring back before he got home?  Good question.  Apparently getting the ring on his right hand wasn’t quite the cake walk he thought.  He had to shove it on rather forcefully and in doing so he damaged the tissue on his finger which reacted by swelling up.  HE COULDN’T GET THE RING OFF. Just then, my friend GloryGirl showed up and saw flowers on the counter.



Backstory:  one day, GloryGirl and JudgyAsshole were over at our house and Mr. JB did something dickish (maybe raised his voice at me or something – that’s our definition of being dicks to one another) and Mr. JB left the house in a huff.  After ten minutes or so, GloryGirl asked where Mr. JB had gone to. “Oh, probably to buy me some flowers because he yelled at me”, I said, and at that EXACT MOMENT, Mr. JB walked in the door with flowers!  So GloryGirl knows that flowers means Mr. JB was a bad husband.


So she sees flowers on the counter and looks at Mr. JB as says “what did you do?”  He holds up his hand and shows her the ring.  On the wrong hand.  Well, that was too much.  We mocked him relentlessly for his cheatin’ heart while he tried to get the ring off.  It just would not budge.  Here is Mr. JB’s hand after trying every trick he could to get the ring off.  Eventually, Mr. JB called JudgyAsshole to come with wire snips.  JA is divorced, so he knows a thing or two about getting wedding bands off (sorry, JA, I couldn’t resist!  You know I love you!).



I suspect Mr. JB will be home late from work today, as he’s got a stop at the jewellery store on his agenda.


In all truth, I believe Mr. JB.  The story happened just as he said it did.  But you know what?  Even if it didn’t happen that way at all, so what?  The number one reason women cite for initiating divorce proceedings against their husbands is “neglect” (wah!  You didn’t buy me flowers!) and the second reason is infidelity.


And that, in a few short words, IS FUCKING STUPID.  You don’t destroy your marriage because your husband cheated on you, and especially not if you have children.  No fucking way.  (


If I thought Mr. JB was out on the town for real, the first thing I would do is LOOK IN THE MIRROR.  Men don’t cheat just ‘cause.  A man with a sexy, funny, fun to be with wife at home doesn’t NEED to cheat.  Why would he?  A man with a fat, grumpy, bossy bitch at home has plenty of reasons to cheat and why wouldn’t he?  Well, besides the fact that the fat, grumpy bitch can steal his children and his cash at the drop of a divorce decree?


The best inoculation against cheating is YOU.  Maintain your weight, be cheerful, have sex every day and brush your hair once in a while for the love of god! Oh, and when he comes home with some cockamamie story about wedding rings and cold and crashing at a friend’s house, it’s probably best to believe him.  But only after you get the flowers.




Lots of love,







4 Responses to “Flowers, a wedding ring and a good story! It better be true, fucker.”

  1. theprivateman November 27, 2012 at 01:05 #

    You’re on my blog roll. You write some great stuff!


  2. judgybitch November 27, 2012 at 03:21 #

    Why thank you, sir!


  3. Thanatos November 28, 2012 at 03:32 #

    It’s true. As a man, I can tell you that there’s no way in hell any man would injure himself in the course of cheating. If he did, he’d pretend he wasn’t injured. Our bodies are the tool we use to make money,to defend ourselves,our property,our families, and our territory. If we sustain a serious injury,it’s harder on us than on a woman, and we may need our woman to nurse us back to health. That puts us in a pretty vulnerable position. Maybe the only truly vulnerable position men have.

    There’s no way we’re going to fuck a woman over in a way that’s quite so suspicious and then turn ourselves over to her care and trust our fate to her good intentions,because women are fucking crazy.

    If he was lying to you,you would have got a story something like this…”Honey,you’re never going to believe this shit,but….yadda-yadda-yadda… then I woke up naked in New Jersey wearing cowboy boots”.



  1. Yes, Nurse Ratchet, men are stronger than women. Please get over that. | judgybitch - July 29, 2014

    […] can’t be good.  I was in the ER today to have my wedding rings removed which is kind of sad, but rings do not a marriage make.  In order to remove rings the nursing staff uses some kind of tool to create a groove in the ring […]


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