You named your kid WHAT?!

29 Nov

When I was pregnant with our first child, Mr. JB and I came to an agreement about how to name that child:  He would bestow the child’s family name, and I would choose the common names (he had veto power over something truly dreadful).  I find the idea of hyphenating or combining family names to create some kind of unwieldy, awful hybrid completely horrible for two reasons.  First, those names are just plain old impractical.  What happens when Rosie Parker-Wilson marries Sanjay Sharma-Kapoor and has a child? The kid is supposed to go by Dudley Parker-Wilson-Sharma-Kapoor? It’s just stupid.  Pick a fucking name.  Second, OBVIOUSLY it should be the father’s name.  The idea of “keeping my own name” after marriage hides the fact that we live in a PATRILINEAL society and women don’t have names of their own.  They have their FATHER’S name (unless they are a product of some righteous single mother who eradicated EVERY vestige of Daddy’s existence, in which case they have their GRANDFATHER’S name).

When a woman marries, she aligns her interests with her husband.  Time to let go of Daddy and focus on being a grown-up woman with responsibilities and obligations and privileges. Women who would rather go through life with their father’s name than their husband’s are off to a rocky start, to say the least.

So yes, obviously our children all have their father’s name as their last name. When it came to choosing common names, my principal concern was to bestow names that would weave my children into a tapestry of family, history and culture – provide them with a starting place to build their own personality and character.

True story:  every since I was a little girl, I knew that I would someday have a little girl of my own and she would have blue eyes and long blonde hair that she would wear in braids, and I would call her Heidi, like the brave, strong, kind little girl in the Joanna Spyri book.  I just knew it would happen.

And I DID have a little blue-eyed, flaxen haired daughter and I wanted to call her Heidi SO badly, but Mr. JB’s family name kinda sorta rhymes with Heidi and the names together sounded like a stripper or performer in a burlesque (which is fine, if that is what Heidi WANTS to be, but hell if I will thrust that on her).  If I gave her my beloved name, she would be something like Heidi Harley.  Terrible. To make matters worse, her Great-grandmother’s name (Mr. JB’s Nana, whom he adored) also started with H, so she would have been something like Heidi Hannah Harley.  Brutal.

So no Heidi.  Did you see what I just did there?  Yeah, I put the child’s needs and desires ahead of my own.  And that right there is the essence of choosing a name.  If you come from a long line of Snowflake Anastasia’s, then go ahead and name your kid Snowflake Anastasia, but if you name your kid Snowflake Anastasia because you think it’s whimsical and cute, you are a fucking retard.

Idiots who name their kids things like Hashtag are not giving one second’s thought to their child.  They are giving that child a BRAND designed to make the parent’s look edgy and cool.  A name like Hashtag is all about the PARENTS, and nothing to do with the child.  It’s actually downright cruel.  How in the hell do you look at a precious little baby and think to yourself:  yeah, let’s fuck up her whole life by giving her a shitty name that will be the source of endless amounts of derision and mocking and teasing because hey, it MAKES US SEEM REALLY COOL?  It doesn’t make you cool. It makes you stupid and heartless and  selfish.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/baby-hashtag_n_2199601.html

Your child’s name is a bridge to the future.  Let’s start by LEARNING HOW TO FUCKING SPELL. Madison is a stupid name to begin with (pretentious and social-climby).  Mahdeesyn is even more stupid, and I hope your ambition is for her to work at WalMart, because a resume with that name on it is going straight into the circular file.

Your child’s name comes loaded with a set of social assumptions regarding class and race and religion and aspirations. You may not LIKE that, but that’s rather like not enjoying gravity when your foot catches the rug and your ass hits the floor.  The truth is that people will make guesses about your child’s background and social class and race and religion based on his or her name and if you have even one fucking ounce of intelligence, you will NOT saddle your kid with a name that screams raised by a single mother in a drug den!  If you ARE a single mother living in a drug den, then for the love of god, give your kid a shot at a normal life by giving them a proper name!

http://www.slate.com/articles/business/the_dismal_science/2005/04/a_roshanda_by_any_other_name.html

The fact is that LaShawanda isn’t going to get the job, no matter what her qualifications.  Lorraine will.  Jamal is fucked.  John isn’t.  Do your kid a favor and think about HIM first.  Give some goddamn thought to what it will be like for HER to go through life with the name Hashtag.

There are so many ways you can fuck up being a parent, and your kids will have to get over it.  That will be easier if they’re booking appointments at the therapist under the names Susan and Steve.  All the therapy in the world isn’t going to help Brajdyn and Elleighette.  They’re fucked for sure.

Lots of love,

JB

15 Responses to “You named your kid WHAT?!”

  1. driversuz November 29, 2012 at 18:54 #

    “Temperance Renesmee.” Seriously, I just met the poor kid, and I already know everything I’ll ever need to know about her mother.

    Like

  2. judgybitch November 29, 2012 at 18:56 #

    Poor kid. Here comes Temper Tantrum!

    Worst ever: a good friend named his daughter Madison (puke) and his last name is Butcher!

    Mad Butcher.

    Jesus.

    Like

  3. HolySwordFarewell November 29, 2012 at 21:06 #

    Just found your blog. Good stuff.

    I hate the hyphen name, such a feminist move.

    Like

  4. nightskyradio November 29, 2012 at 21:43 #

    ” I wanted to call her Heidi SO badly, but Mr. JB’s family name kinda sorta rhymes with Heidi and the names together sounded like a stripper or performer in a burlesque”

    Heidi Ho?

    Some of the names I’ve seen in recent years are Destiny (been seeing that one since the 90s), Precious, Tekila, Courvoisier, Orion (for a girl), Demon. Unique is another rather, uh, common name.

    Like

  5. judgybitch November 29, 2012 at 21:44 #

    Ugh. Horrible

    Like

  6. Sexual Marxism November 30, 2012 at 10:24 #

    Some people are avoiding the conundrum altogether by giving their kids completely new last names, different from those of either parents.

    SEXUAL MARXISM: from each according to her ability, to each according to his need

    Like

  7. Sexual Marxism December 1, 2012 at 01:08 #

    Eric Von Markovic (PUA guru formerly known as “Mystery”) named his daughter “Dakota Breeze”.

    Like

  8. Sexual Marxism December 1, 2012 at 01:16 #

    Your child’s name comes loaded with a set of social assumptions regarding class and race and religion and aspirations. You may not LIKE that, but that’s rather like not enjoying gravity when your foot catches the rug and your ass hits the floor. The truth is that people will make guesses about your child’s background and social class and race and religion based on his or her name and if you have even one fucking ounce of intelligence, you will NOT saddle your kid with a name that screams raised by a single mother in a drug den! If you ARE a single mother living in a drug den, then for the love of god, give your kid a shot at a normal life by giving them a proper name!

    http://www.slate.com/articles/business/the_dismal_science/2005/04/a_roshanda_by_any_other_name.html

    The fact is that LaShawanda isn’t going to get the job, no matter what her qualifications. Lorraine will. Jamal is fucked. John isn’t. Do your kid a favor and think about HIM first. Give some goddamn thought to what it will be like for HER to go through life with the name Hashtag.

    This may have been very true 20 years ago, but not so much now, and in 10 years probably not at all.

    I’ve known several professional Jamals; some black, some Arab-American (its an Arabic name) some South Asian-American and a few whites as well.

    People with ghetto sounding names also manage to get jobs and not just gubmint ones either.

    In the health/fitness and holistic healing fields there are several successful entrepreneurs in the private sector with legal names like Rainbow and Sky and names they later adopted or gave themselves as adults that are not (yet) mainstream.

    Bottomline: its alpha to give your kids a name that separates him/her from the proletariat sheeple groupthink and its even more alpha if you give yourself such a name as an adult after swallowing the red pill about this society.

    Signed,
    Gluteous Free Maximus

    😉

    Like

  9. judgybitch December 1, 2012 at 02:00 #

    Barf!

    Like

  10. A Reader December 4, 2012 at 08:26 #

    If you read the original “Heidi”, you’ll discover that she was described as having dark hair. The blond popular image came later.

    Like

  11. judgybitch December 4, 2012 at 12:13 #

    Yep. It’s Clara who has blonde hair, but films and television almost always portray Heidi as a blonde. And since I’m blonde, I went with it!

    Like

  12. GrimGhost December 5, 2012 at 11:16 #

    > Some people are avoiding the conundrum altogether by giving their kids completely new last names, different from those of either parents.

    So everyone will presume that the child’s natural parents are only his legal guardians. Nope, nothing could go wrong with that.

    BTW, some people believe that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens. Meaning, some people don’t know jack s**t.

    Like

  13. GrimGhost December 5, 2012 at 11:30 #

    The English-speaking world is made of of millions of people. Somewhere, a LaShawanda is getting hired to a good job, even with a name like that — but then, somewhere in the English-speaking world, somebody is winning the lottery. Doesn’t mean it’s a trend, or the wave of the future. Your citing of “outliers” proves nothing.

    May I remind you that four years ago, Mr. Obama’s middle name (Hussein) was an actual campaign issue, because of the connotations that the name carried?

    Like

  14. Athan Nyx February 16, 2013 at 01:41 #

    My family has a traditional of hyphenated last names which works out well. It is not done for acknowledging both sides though. A hyphenated last name is done to acknowledge the other parent if the parents are not married. My Dad didn’t marry my bio mom and it was a good decision on his part because he got primary custody of me. As much as I do not like having the last name connected to her legally, I don’t mind the legacy to my grandfather or the french last name.

    As to the name front… I kind of like cool names. But I also think parents who give their kids a badass McCoolName are also required to give their kids a normal name to be called by. That way they can choose if they’ll be… Say… Zowie Bowie over Duncan Jones or vice versa as the case was for David Bowie’s son.

    Like

  15. Erik Norén October 20, 2013 at 23:19 #

    I support clan-names (usually called family names but i feel clan-name indicates a larger grouping) but i have since i came across them been fascinated by parent names. I believe they still have them in russia albeit partially (they use them as middlenames).

    John and sara have two children. The son would have the last name johnsson (using two s since we do here in sweden and because it is “johns son” dammit, not “john son”) but the daughter would have the last name saradaughter.

    Like

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