Hey career ladies, SEX your way to the top. And if that doesn’t work, sue the bastards for sexual harassment!

6 Dec

desk

 

So Victoria Pynchon, kick ass career lady lawyer has some advice for women who are out there crushing gonads in the workplace:  don’t be afraid to FLIRT your way to the top! Be charming and playful and sexy and fun, if it gives you an advantage over men.  It’s a cruel world, girls, so toss that hair and get on your sparkly lip gloss!

 

http://www.cnn.com/2012/11/14/business/women-flirting-business/index.html?iid=article_sidebar

 

Whatever it takes to win, do it!  What can possibly go wrong with that advice?

 

Woman:               Don’t objectify me and treat me like a piece of sexy meat!

 

Man:                      Fine.  (Presents argument)

 

Woman:               (Shit, he’s winning)  Hey!  Check out my tits!

 

For fuck’s sake, lady.  Pick one!  And you know what happens next, right? He checks out her tits (as requested), wins the argument and GOD DAMMIT THAT’S SEXUAL HARASSMENT!

 

In the United States, one in four women report sexual harassment in the workplace, while in the UK it’s an even higher number: 90%!  Wow!  That’s a lot of sexy talk coming from you British lads.  Knock it off, would, ya?

 

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2011/11/one-in-four-u-s-women-reports-workplace-harassment/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1302016/90-women-sexually-harassed-workplace.html

 

Clearly, there is only function for human sexuality at work:  to give ladies an edge and help them beat male competitors.  Using sexy feminine wiles to get that corner office is A-OK, but any attempt by men to use their own sexuality is VERBOTEN! It’s rude, and unmanly and illegal.  Women can slut their way aggressively into the executive suite, and that’s worthy of a great big cheer – Yay for ladies!- but when men turn that sexuality around and use it against the ladies, well that man deserves to lose his job, his reputation, his livelihood, maybe even his freedom.

 

Sounds fair.

 

ass

 

Men, you simply MUST stop grabbing women’s asses, threatening to rape them or promising them promotions if they are sexually co-operative.  Oh wait?  What’s that you say?  That very few women actually experience THAT kind of harassment?  Well what do they experience then?

 

“Offensive remarks about being female, their appearance, body or sexual activities”.

 

Somebody get me a bottle of Prozac and my lawyer’s number immediately!  And by lawyer, I mean Victoria Pynchon, of course.   So, on the one hand, women are encouraged to flirt and use their ability to temporarily mesmerize the male of the species by flashing their sexuality, using their appearance and body and mannerisms and voice, and on the other hand, they are encouraged to interpret men noticing and commenting on the fact that they are displaying their sexuality as aggressive and harassing.

 

Can you see what got left out of that little equation?  Yeah, whatever the challenge was about, whatever the conflict centered over, the women LOST.  Women who succeed in using their sexuality to move ahead in the corporate world rarely scream about sexual harassment.  Nope.  They PROMOTE it on CNN as an effective tool for women’s advancement.  Even Caitlin Moran agrees that women should flirt like crazy at work.  Caitlin Moran!  How To Be A Woman (answer: be sexy at work).

 

caitlin

 

“Ladies, we are at a massive disadvantage in the workplace. Your male peers are flirting with their male bosses constantly. The average workplace is like f*cking Bromancing the Stone. That’s basically what male bonding is. Flirting. They’re flirting with each other playing golf, they’re flirting with each other going to the football, they’re flirting with each other chatting at the urinals – and, sadly, flirting with each other in after-hours visits to strip clubs and pubs. They are bonding with each other over their biological similarities. If the only way you can bond with them is over you biological differences, you go for it. Feel pressurised to actually f*ck them if you do? Then don’t flirt. Find it an easy way to just crack on? Then crack on – and don’t blame other women for doing it.”

― Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman

 

So basically what sexual harassment in its most common form amounts to is SOUR FUCKING GRAPES.

 

grapes

 

Ladies got sexed up, stormed the office, tried to flirt their way to the top and failed.  Now raise your hand if you think we’re going to blame men for this?

 

raise hands

 

Of course we are!  You see, when it comes to workplace harassment, it’s not women who are at fault for deliberately attempting to catch an advantage by acting sexy and flirty.  Nope.  It’s MEN’S fault for responding with disdain, derision, mocking, belittling and just plain old ignoring.  Basically lads, you’re saying that the ladies AREN’T THAT SEXY.  You bastards.  Play along, would you?

 

hair

 

If you are a working lady and you got up this morning and pulled on stockings and high heels and a skirt and applied cosmetics to enhance your lips and eyes and cheeks and tucked your tatas into a push-up bra, you are signalling your sexuality in very overt ways.  Expect to get a response.  Don’t count on it being positive, because the little story you are running in your mind about the devastating effects of your femininity is probably not true.  And most of your male colleagues are not going to respond with anything but withering contempt.

 

http://judgybitch.com/2012/11/12/how-can-you-prevent-street-harassment-and-sexual-assault-bitch-please-dont-flatter-yourself/

 

And that’s NOT sexual harassment.  Here’s the thing: if you want to get in the arena, prepare to play by the rules.  You bring your best fight and if all you have is great hair and smoking legs and you plan to use them, plan on getting run over, because most men don’t give a shit about you or your hair. They care about winning.  Accusations of sexual harassment are just one more way women try to rig the game in their favor.  The fact that 90% of women in the UK are sulky bitches about how often that fails says a lot about the utility of that particular technique.

 

The beautiful secretary

 

Here’s a hint:  if you want to win, get some real skills, develop your talents and go head to head based on your mind.  Stop dressing like a sex doll and put on some trousers and sensible shoes.  Take the lads on with your brain.

 

shoes

 

What’s the matter? Afraid of losing?  You should be.  Because you probably will.  That’s what happens when you play with boys.

 

boys

 

Lots of love,

 

JB

 

 

 

 

8 Responses to “Hey career ladies, SEX your way to the top. And if that doesn’t work, sue the bastards for sexual harassment!”

  1. JAL December 6, 2012 at 16:16 #

    I wonder why the rate of reported sexual harassment is so much higher in the UK.

    Like

  2. happycrow December 6, 2012 at 18:25 #

    Having been one of the very few males willing to admit to having filed harassment against a chick, I’ll tell you one thing — in the US, it’s not presumed that the one filing the complaint is telling the truth. It’s simply common knowledge that there are a lot of women out there who trip an executive type and have her lawyer’s speed-dial going before she beats him to the floot.

    Like

  3. happycrow December 6, 2012 at 18:26 #

    floot. That’s awesome. My typing sucks today. 🙂

    Like

  4. Anonymous December 19, 2012 at 21:34 #

    i do hope no one has the misfortune to call this woman girlfriend/wife/mother. sounds like a despicably horrid specimen of humanity that we will have to explain if we make interplanetary contact with anything. may she rot in the lowest ring of hell next to lucifer (taken out of dante’s inferno, be damned to remember the spelling of the name)

    Like

  5. Mark March 4, 2013 at 22:42 #

    What planet is Caitlin Moran from? Apparently she hasn’t gotten the memo that Freud and his disciples have been largely discredited and male-male relationships in the office are some sort of exercise in homo-eroticism. From what little experience I have, some men are socially adept and capable of using that to garner their superior’s friendship and therefore a better chance for a promotion. Males like myself (not socially adept) have to resort to being intelligent and efficient. And women? Again, in my experience, they are at least as capable of kissing their boss/professor/whatever ass in a completely nonsexual way to obtain better grades, benefits, promotions, etc. Women are not at a disadvantage in the workplace in that respect.

    Oh, but they can’t play golf? Neither can most men. Any woman without her head up her ass would notice that most of what men talk about when discussing golf is how terrible they are at it. It’s like a verbal competition to see who’s a shittier golfer. You don’t even need to play the damned sport, just walk into the office and tell the men you’re abysmal at it, and you’ve mastered the art of “male flirting.”

    Seriously, just watch the movie ‘Caddyshack,’ and you can now participate in every golf conversation any male co-workers will ever have.

    Like

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