Esther Walker, who writes for the Daily Mail is having a baby! Sadly, her baby is horribly deformed and has detectable, irreversible damage. The baby will be “gross”, will have a strong inclination to “attack siblings with a stick”, “murder local wildlife” and will eventually go through a growth process that leads from “disgusting” to “boring and selfish”. The baby will have severe personality defects and engage in “dramatic weeing, endless reeling off of statistics, messiness and demands to kick around a football on freezing, dank Sunday mornings”.
Wow. That is one hell of a set of defects! What disease does the baby have?
He’s a boy.
And his mother hates him before he is even born. She fears that he will be plain-speaking, love dinosaurs and be “yucky, noisy, smelly, boisterous and destructive”.
“Please, not a boy,’ I hissed at my sister Harriet. ‘If it’s a boy, I’ll just die. I can only deal with one man in my life… and sometimes that’s one too many.’”
That poor baby. There’s not really very much to say to a woman so vile, is there? Esther whinges about the fact that expressing her hatred for her unborn son is “taboo” without appearing to realize that it’s taboo because it’s fucking terrible. What a singularly awful person.
This little boy really has only one hope in life: his daddy. And how does daddy feel about his little son? According to Esther, he’s not thrilled either, but I think we can take that with a wee grain of salt. How on earth Giles (her husband) ended up married to such an appalling shrew is difficult to contemplate, but he’s married now, and if he wants to be in his children’s life in any meaningful way, he’s gonna have to suck it up.
Giles, this is all up to you now. It seems that your wife plans on bringing this little boy into the world, even though she despises him, and I have some advice for you:
You’re going to have to go that extra mile with your little guy and protect him not only from the world, but from his mother, as well. That’s incredibly sad, but appears to be true. To give your son the ammunition he will need to grow into a man, here are some things you need to do:
Bless him with your body. In all likelihood, your son will know fairly early on that his mother doesn’t care for him and finds him “deeply suspicious”. Hopefully, she will at least agree to feed him, but I wouldn’t count on it.
Spend lots of time with your son on your chest. Carry him, snuggle him, stroke him, let him know that there is nothing shameful about a man’s body and that he is loved by YOU. Do NOT let your awful wife chuck him in a cage and leave him to cry. That is one of the very worst parenting decisions you can make. Nothing in your son’s primal brain allows for that kind of neglect. Babies are born utterly helpless and leaving them alone in the dark to cry themselves to sleep is beyond cruel and disgusting. No doubt your wife will try to convince you this is some sort of necessary “training”, but if you want some insight into what kind of person you are married to, read her articles at the Daily Mail.
Let him fall asleep wrapped in your warm, strong embrace and let him wake up there, too.
He will learn that his desire to be strong so that he can protect is natural and valuable. You will teach him that by protecting him, especially from his mother.
Let him explore. Your wife views your daughter as a fashion accessory. Don’t think so? She wrote those exact words. Not a person. Not an individual. An accessory. Something to complement her latest handbag and shoes. Jesus, Giles. What the hell were you thinking? Do not let her use your son this way. Teaching him that he is nothing more than a device to make Mommy look better is setting him up to be used and abused by women all his life (is that what happened to you?). Let him crawl through dirt, eat sand, play with worms and jump in puddles. He will be dirty and messy and not much use as a fashion accessory, but he will know that his need to explore and discover and investigate and manipulate the world is exactly what he SHOULD be doing.
Encourage your wife to work, a lot, and as far away from home as possible. It’s too late to give your son a warm, loving, adoring mother, but you can protect your son by keeping him close to you and as far away from her as possible. If it means you have to make changes to your own career and occupation, do it. Your son will only be little for a short period of time, and he needs you to be there for him. You need to actively counter the idea that he is gross and vile and disgusting and selfish(yes, those are all words your wife used to describe her son), and show him that he is bold and strong and courageous and capable. If you don’t, no one will.
Let him be who he is. Not all little boys WANT to eat dirt and play in mud. Most of them do, but your son will come to you with a personality and some preferences already in place. He could be a gentle, bookish boy who prefers to be indoors with his kitten and a cup of tea. And that’s fine. Whatever he is, and whoever he is, he will learn to value himself as a person when YOU value him as a person. He is an extension of your genes and body, but not an extension of you. Protect him and let him be who he is.
Little boys are sweet and funny and affectionate and tumbly. They are also messy and boisterous and noisy and demanding. You may have little warrior or a gentle poet, a great explorer or a quiet lover of history and biography. Whatever you have, you will eventually have a man. To be a good man, he’s going to need a good father.
Be that father, Giles. Your son is counting on you. And so are the rest of us.
Lots of love,