Man-shaming. It should be a word.

7 Jan

Call out someone for being an overweight slovenly pig, and you’re fat-shaming. Call out someone for dressing like a whore and wandering completely shit-faced drunk down a dark alley where – surprise! she gets raped! – and you’re slut-shaming. Call out someone for expressing contempt and straight up hatred for men and masculinity, and you’re …. well, now. We don’t have a word for that, do we?




Let’s make one: man-shaming.


Man-shaming is not the same as emasculating. Emasculation means to literally remove a man’s genitals (castration is to remove the testicles), and in a more colloquial sense, it means to humiliate a man by denying him the qualities that define masculinity – strength, vigor, confidence, courage, boldness and virility. Not a definitive list, obviously.




Man-shaming is something different: it’s an effort to cause men to feel shame for their very natural feelings. To make them feel as if being a man, or being masculine is somehow wrong and disgraceful. And it starts very early, in our culture. Our current school system is rigged to benefit girls at the expense of boys, and students are graded and evaluated “objectively” on how well ALL students can imitate a typical girl’s behaviour. At six years of age, students are expected to sit quietly, follow instructions and read and write and cut and paste and color and cover everything in glitter and always remember to use your words! They are NOT expected, or in some cases even ALLOWED, to track the trajectory of objects in motion, disassemble and reassemble physical structures, learn rules and fairness and victory and defeat, interact with the world and other people physically, display confidence or boldness or courage, and if they do, they will be diagnosed with some sort of bullshit “condition” and drugged into submission with a glue stick in one hand and a ribbon just for showing up in the other. I use the word “they” because girls who quite naturally display characteristically male traits will be forced into submission as well, but the fact is that most Ritalin prescriptions are filled for BOYS.


Assuming a boy survives the near continuous man-shaming of schooling, he goes out into a wider culture that paints men and masculinity in an equally harsh and derisive light. He confronts himself as violent, stupid, arrogant, ruthless and cruel. The alternative is apathetic, aimless, unmotivated, uncivilized and still really, really stupid. He sees men discarded like used Kleenex by the women around him and may even have grown up without a man in his own life. He meets head-on, the message that he is superfluous, easily sacrificed, unnecessary and possibly even dangerous.




And yet, men still account for almost all of the engineers, scientists, mathematicians and computer programmers in the world. Men are the engine that drive our modern, high technology society further ahead at speeds that astonish and delight. As Camille Paglia once said, without men, we’d all be living in grass huts.


Mike Buchanan calls for a renewed interest from the MRM in activism: stop debating and start taking on specific issues, one at a time. He wants to see naming, shaming and ridicule heaped on feminists, and this is where women like myself can help. Building awareness starts by pointing out, in very specific ways, when the people around you are engaging in man-shaming.


Here’s an example:


Mr. JB has three close friends, all male and all single. JudgyAsshole, an accountant, CleverBoy, an engineer and PrinceCharming, a senior manager in the healthcare field and an adjunct professor at the local university. They are all accomplished, intelligent and worthy men. A fourth man, PansyAss, had joined the guys one day and the conversation turned to women and the men’s physical preferences for how women should look. PansyAss was adamant that a woman’s worth was only properly taken by evaluating her MIND and nothing else mattered. He argued that focusing on a woman’s looks was superficial and objectifying and dehumanizing and all the usual feminist blah blah blah. PansyAss was raised, of course, by a strong single mother who had him in daycare from day one and who proudly raised her son to be a feminist and a friend to women everywhere.




Here’s the thing: teaching women that it does not matter how they look, and teaching men to feel ashamed of caring how women look is doing no one any favors. Biology always wins. Men have a very strong preference for women who look lush and fertile and strong and fit, and the waist to hip ratio on a woman communicates all those things. Ladies who bury their waists under 60 extra pounds of lard are deeply unappealing to most men, and when men are made to feel that it is some flaw in their fundamental character that revolts at the idea of stroking those fat rolls, that is man-shaming. Stand a slender woman with breasts and hips and a small waist next to an overweight woman solid from neck to cankles, and most men will prefer the slender woman. The entire Fat Acceptance Movement is an attempt to shame men for a very natural preference for slim women, because the alternative would be to lose some goddamn weight, and that puts the onus and responsibility on women, and we all know how much women like being held responsible for anything at all. Yeah, not a whole lot.


I entered the conversation with the guys and pointed out that their desire for a healthy, fit, strong body (in addition to all the other qualities a sane man wants in a woman) was not some personality flaw and that PansyAss was attempting to shame them for being normal, healthy men. Asshole, Charming and Clever can’t wake up one morning and just magically find fat chicks appealing, and trying to make them feel bad for that is man-shaming.


Don’t feel bad, guys. The shame belongs to the women stuffing cupcakes down their gullets and ordering bigger stretchy pants on the internet because regular stores don’t carry their size. PansyAss and his ilk can have those women. Have fun!


I find that men are so much more open to seeing when they are being subjected to man-shaming and much more willing to change than women are. Even when shaming techniques are pointed out to women, most women have an attitude of “So what? Who gives a shit?”. It’s not that women can’t see that they are deliberately and openly mocking or discrediting or ignoring men and masculinity – they can. They just don’t care. Masculinity has become a set of qualities that feminism is determined to stamp out, which is obviously completely absurd given that our entire society and economy functions as a result of a group of hypermasculine men who are on the cutting edges of science and mathematics and engineering and programming. Those men create the world we live in, and they do it by being bold, fearless, confident and taking risks that would make the rest of us blanche. Of course, there are a FEW women who participate, but they are outliers. The majority of women don’t produce anything particularly useful, except other human beings of course, and that is just as it should be.


Popular media, swallowing feminist dogma hook line and sinker, likes to try and make stay at home wives and mothers feel shame, too. We aren’t contributing anything, apparently. Just making a productive man even more productive, raising happy children, creating safe communities and making life worth living, but NOTHING ELSE. Well, fuck that nonsense!


I won’t accept any shaming of my life. Being a wife and mother is the highest manifestation of a psychology and set of needs and desires that has evolved over millennia to ensure the survival of humanity. And no man should ever accept that his psychology and set of needs and desires, similarly evolved, is shameworthy. There is honor in the feminine and in the masculine. It’s time to call out everyone, men and women alike, who refuse to acknowledge the value of both.




Honor and shame from no condition rise;

Act well your part, there all the honor lies.



Lots of love,







24 Responses to “Man-shaming. It should be a word.”

  1. Liz January 7, 2013 at 13:14 #

    Hell Yeah! Kudos, well said JB.


  2. Liz January 7, 2013 at 13:40 #

    I’ve had it both ways. Career single-working mother (not really single, but with a husband deployed for months it’s the same thing) and stay at home mom. Women are the worst at stay-at-home-mother-shaming.

    I’ll never forget the Major who came to our playgroup a few years back (the one time she was able to take a lunch break with her child). Her husband was a Lt Colonel, mine was a first Lt. at the time.

    We made about 1/10th what they made, or less. She asked me how I could possibly find it “feasible” to stay at home, especially since I had a college degree in a fairly marketable field (she drove a very nice new car, lived in a mansion). Her 15 month old child didn’t even seem to know her. The Major started getting antsy after a half hour because her sitter was supposed to meet her at the playgroup and she had to get back to work. I told her I would watch her daughter until the sitter arrived. She barely waved a thanks as she left, and her daughter didn’t even notice (though this is the first time I had ever seen her daughter, and she had never been in my home). When the sitter arrived, that’s when the child had a big smile on her face for the first time and held up her arms toward the paid help in happiness. That was her second sitter in six months, and she left before the year was over. Have to wonder how that family is doing now.


  3. Liz January 7, 2013 at 13:53 #

    Sorry for the triple post….
    but just wanted to say I LOVE the new background. Flowery wrenches! Brilliant! 🙂


  4. judgybitch January 7, 2013 at 13:58 #

    That’s all Pixie’s work, but I love it too!

    Another post today will discuss a lot of what’s in your previous comment, Liz. I think younger women are starting to clue in.


  5. happycrow January 7, 2013 at 15:44 #

    In the words of the Great Turqsidian Muse, “fucking ouch.”
    That’s tragic.

    I’ve used “oh, I get it, you’re a man-hater” for some time now. But the way JB put it may be better, b/c women are all over this “shaming” thing.


  6. Dean Esmay January 7, 2013 at 16:09 #

    Here’s another good one: “femsplaining.” That’s when a woman tries to explain to a man what he “really means” or what his experiences are, regardless of what he actually says. Saying “check your privilege” is a part of femsplaining, because it means “what you say doesn’t matter because: penis.”


  7. combs2jc January 7, 2013 at 16:09 #

    I looked for it, but could not find the “really, really, REALLY, like” button … so I just hit the like button. Too bad there are not more people who think like you in the United States. I enjoy all your articles.


  8. gregariouswolf January 7, 2013 at 16:24 #

    Misogyny passes the spell checker every time, but misandry always yields the red squiggly underline. It’s a femspiracy!


  9. Drama January 7, 2013 at 17:22 #

    Man shaming, wouldn’t that like what we used to do when guys called each other gay?

    I guess now that being gay is popular and its not PC to use as a reference we don’t have any way of making guys feel the need to meet a certain standard.


  10. hesaidhe January 8, 2013 at 03:26 #

    Fuck yes, thank you.


  11. mikebuchanan1957 January 9, 2013 at 21:46 #

    JB, your recent article for ‘A Voice for Men’ gets my vote as one of the most powerful on the site over the past 12 months (and 2012 was a good year for them). I still recall the line which brought a lump to my throat – it still does – something like, ‘A man who staggers is still a man’. Forgive me for not saying WHY it does. I’m British, and therefore firmly attached to my stiff upper lip haha.

    Our plans to form a new political party which will be pro-family (and therefore pro-women, pro-men, pro-children, and anti-feminist), supportive of men’s and boy’s rights, and fight the countless manifestations of militant feminism, are attracting a lot of interest. Last Friday the 29-year-old feminist deputy editor of ‘New Statesman’, the leading left-wing weekly periodical, attacked me, then two of her feminist bloggers did likewise. Most of the commenters supported my position, which must have puzzled them haha. On Saturday there’ll be a double-page feature in a leading national newspaper. Onwards and upwards.

    I’ve just added your site to our list of ‘recommended blogs and websites’.

    I hope to see more of your articles on AVfM in 2013.

    Mike Buchanan




  12. judgybitch January 9, 2013 at 21:55 #

    Thank you for your kind words, Mike. I will be watching for that article.


  13. mikebuchanan1957 January 9, 2013 at 22:08 #

    Thanks JB. It should be available online late Friday evening. If you put your email address in the top right corner of http://fightingfeminism.wordpress,com it’ll get straight to you. I can’t find a way of doing that from my end. Stops people getting unsolicted blog posts, I guess.

    Read your October post on ‘rape culture’, and its relation to drink and drugs, with interest. I don’t know about the US, but in the UK there’s been a well-documented history of intoxicated women, who’ve had sexual encounters they regret the next day, being persuaded by feministas the next day that their drinks had been spiked with ‘date rape’ drugs – ‘Was your drink in your direct line of sight at all times?’ > ‘Er no, I went to the toilet once.’ > ‘Ah, that’s probably when your drink was spiked, then!’. To the best of my knowledge not one case of rape following ingestion of e.g. Rohypnol has ever been proven.

    In my local public house there’s a sign which reads, ‘Beer: helping women to have sex since 1611’.

    The power of alcohol to improve the attractiveness of the opposite sex is a truly remarkable thing. I imagine evolutionary psychologists have an explanation for the phenomenon.


  14. Sarah Daniels January 10, 2013 at 21:52 #

    I have never been slim, curvy or attractive. I am 5’3, my waist is 35 inches and my hips are 40. I have bad skin on top. Yet I have a man that loves me and I am a Mother. I am also not for feminism, but neither am I for telling girls that they will be forever alone if they are nothing special to look at. If what you are saying is the case then why I am not lonely and single?


  15. judgybitch January 10, 2013 at 22:11 #

    Good for you, Sarah. You’re lucky. Most women with bad skin and a 35 inch waist are in for a shock.

    Appearances are not optional. They matter. That’s reality and life is easier when you understand and face that.

    I notice you said you have a man and you are a mother, but you conspicuously did NOT use the word wife.

    Is there some committment missing there, or just an oversight?


  16. fidelbogen January 11, 2013 at 01:59 #

    I have one problem with the expression “man-shaming”, and it is the same problem I have with almost any word combo that includes “shaming”. That is, that you cannot possibly “shame” somebody unless that person actually does feel ashamed.

    Thus, to speak of “man-shaming” seems to imply that some male person actually does feel ashamed.

    Which might or mightn’t be true in any given case.

    So it’s insidious.

    Do you see what I’m getting at?


  17. Sam Loy January 12, 2013 at 08:24 #

    Hey. Here’s something I did on the issue of shaming. Check it out and let me know what you think if you have time.


  18. conrad January 12, 2013 at 13:03 #

    The guy referred to as PansyAss wasn’t wrong in that what a woman’s got going on upstairs is important, and the reasonable majority of men are more than happy to compromise on their physical preferences if everything else clicks. To try to deny those preferences entirely though, is straight-up harmful.

    I also just found this blog tonight and wanted to say that JB is a fucking awesome person, and greater acknowledgement of the uncomfortable truths she outlines here are the surest route to resolving this whole bullshit gender war happening in society.


  19. judgybitch January 12, 2013 at 13:26 #


    Very interesting read! Question: isn’t “bogan” a class description? It was often used to describe the rougher folks who lived in the small towns surrounding Melbourne.

    I never took it to mean racist.

    And I heartily wished I could live in one of those small towns rather than Carnegie


  20. judgybitch January 12, 2013 at 14:18 #

    He wasn’t wrong that there are other things to consider besides appearance, but he was wrong trying to make the guys feel that caring about appearance is some kind of character flaw.

    It’s not.


  21. Sam Loy January 15, 2013 at 04:28 #

    No, bogan doesn’t necessarily mean racist, and the true meaning of it seems to be constantly changing. In general, it’s not a class thing, because many bogans are well-off middle class suburbanites. The acronym CUB, describes Cashed Up Bogans. It’s more a state of mind, and it is difficult to explain. Back when I was a teenager, a bogan was more related to music taste and manner of dress. But now, if you read the Herald Sun, think Andrew Bolt has all the answers, have named your kid after an American state or a variety of wine grape, and think that Australia owns the southern cross, then you MIGHT be a bogan.


  22. Linds June 7, 2013 at 02:22 #

    My comment is concerning many “anti-feminist” related comments left on this post. You guys are really into essentializing feminism here; the basic definition is that a feminist believes a woman deserves the same rights as a man. Any truly anti-feminist woman wouldn’t vote, own property, ever have a job, or enjoy equal protection under the law. It’s important to remember the vast and drastic ways women’s lives would be different without feminism! I understand everyone has a different perspective and obviously some are more conservative than others, but it would be prudent to keep in mind that not all feminists are bra-burners. 🙂


  23. Liam September 12, 2013 at 13:49 #

    I have dated a series of overweight women, not by choice but because there don’t appear to be alternatives available. If there is only slightly old food available, you’ll eat what there is rather than starve. And increasingly, it’s the almost-spoiled food that’s on offer.

    I love that you explain that I’m not wrong for wishing there was steak available.

    Oh, and one more thing: I struggle with my weight as well. I’m not huge, and at 6’1″, an extra 25 lbs isn’t much, but I work at it. So what the hell is it with fat women sabotaging my efforts? Urging me to try “just one bite” of that cheesecake when what I WANT to do is devour the whole thing, but know that abstaining is more conducive to my goals, and having that one bite invariably leads to cravings and usually to having more than just one bite.

    And yet although I ask them to stop, they generally don’t, but the “just one bite” takes on a hint of mocking, like “what kind of a man are you if you’re afraid of a little creme brûlée?”

    I’m so sick of it, and if being alone wasn’t so painful sometimes, I might just decide to go solo.


  24. Scotty G. May 6, 2014 at 16:26 #

    This article on man-shaming really reminds me of when I first began to research into the currently accepted, academic definition of masculinity and male sexuality. It seems that the leading “experts” in these fields of study were not only feminists, but misandrist lesbians.

    What blows my fucking mind is how the academic world for the last 40 years, and subsequently the corporate and political realms as well, have never seen a conflict of interest or a potential bias in this scenario.

    What’s next, we seek out Stormfront’s “expert” opinion on Judaism and the Jewish culture? It’s repulsively ridiculous!


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