You let this slide? Are you fucking crazy? Where is your common sense?

10 Jan

So, Shona Sibery, writing at the Daily Mail, has a gorgeous 14 year old daughter, who decided that she would hold her birthday celebration at the local community center, where the party guests would have a group dance lesson and then, have their nails painted fancy colors with lots of glitter polish involved and then, under adult supervision, have a day time dance party.  Shona sat down with Flo, and together they went through her Facebook friends and created an invitation and a guest list, making certain that parents were available to help organize and supervise. Flo picked out a new routine jacket and some warm-up wear and new trainers to wear, and all the girls had a great time.

 

dance

 

Oh, wait.  Nope.  That’s not what happened.

 

Flo decided to hold her party at a DISCO and invited 40 people, both boys and girls and then kitted herself out as a prostitute, and her mother’s response to that was to DRINK MORE WINE and let it pass because Flo was just so excited!  Shona knew that Flo should NOT be leaving the house looking like that, that Flo would likely face some repercussions, had no real understanding of how her appearance would be interpreted, and that Flo is just a little girl in a grown woman’s body. Flo forgot to close her Facebook page, which is apparently private in Shona’s house, and Shona was floored to see that her predictions had come true.  Flo was being “slut-shamed” for dressing like, well, a slut.

 

Flo

 

And Shona’s response?  She’s blaming the “cyber-bullies”, of course.  Not herself for being a shit mother who threw her daughter to the wolves because being a parent is just too troublesome when the child in question is headstrong and lacks any real understanding of how the world works.

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2259878/My-14-year-old-shouldnt-dress-like-But-doesnt-online-bullies-right-torment-SHONA-SIBARY-alarming-new-trend-slut-shaming.html 

 

And where, pray tell, is Flo’s father?  What man in his right mind lets his 14 year old daughter leave the house to go to a disco with 40 “friends”, dressed like a hooker?  I’m guessing Flo’s father is nowhere to be seen, and hasn’t been for a long while.  Flo’s outfit is a scream for male attention, and that poor little girl got the attention, all right, but it wasn’t the kind she anticipated.

 

The article at the Daily Mail directly references Sabrina (remember her?), blaming Sabrina for this terrible culture of “slut-shaming” that Flo has been unpredictably and inexplicably caught up in.  How rich is that?  Shona, a grown bloody woman, is blaming another young woman for the fact that Flo faced a little social consequences for her very ill-advised sartorial choices.  Gold hot pants?  Really, Shona?  Are you fucking mad?

 

http://judgybitch.com/2013/01/06/sabrina-if-you-dont-want-to-be-defined-by-your-breasts-youre-doing-it-wrong/

 

Shona, here is some advice for you:

 

Mom up! You don’t get to chug wine and stand by and watch your daughter exercise very poor judgement about what constitutes appropriate clothing for a 14 year old!  “The answer is NO, Flo! Full fucking stop. Go upstairs and change or you are not leaving the house.  End of fucking story”.  Will she whine and cry and hate you and storm away all raging in a veil of tears?  Probably.  Too fucking bad.  YOU are the mother.  How did she come to possess these clothes in the first place? You should never, ever have let Flo get to the point where she feels like challenging her mother is a good call.  But you’re here now, and Flo is going to be in for a world of teenage hurt if you don’t put a stop to this.  You are NOT her friend.  You are her mother, and it is your JOB to protect her, even from herself.  So do it.  Jesus.

 

tantrum

 

Facebook is not private! Not for 14 year olds.  No way.  Flo is adding you to her friends list TODAY and you will both agree on a password and she will understand that you WILL be reading everything she posts and responding as her MOTHER to any bullshit anyone else posts on her wall.  Will she get teased for that? Yep.  Probably. Too fucking bad.  You would rather have her face being called a slut?  She is 14! And you are her mother.  You make the rules, and you enforce them, and if other kids are left to swing in the winds by their own parents, that doesn’t concern you.  Flo is your daughter.  She has no idea what she is doing, but you bloody well do.  Until she has good judgement of her own, you will exercise judgement on her behalf.  How do you think she’s going to learn good judgement if you don’t show any?

 

She needs role models.  What music is she listening to?  What images has she pinned on Pinterest?  What magazines and books are lying around her room?  What movies does she go to? None of these things are the sole province of 14 year old girls to decide.  As her mother, it is your job to shepherd her through a complicated culture that promotes the early sexualization of young women, without being explicit about consequences and dangers.  You have to make those things explicit.  “Flo that outfit strongly implies that you are sexually active.  It may not be fair to make assumptions about other people’s sexuality based on what they are wearing, but life isn’t fair, baby.  Learn that now! And go change your clothes.” You need to be involved, deeply involved, in your daughter’s life right now.

 

Your exact words:  Quite simply, my daughter looked like she was far more sexually aware than she actually is. But I just didn’t have the courage, or the heart, to lecture her about the dangers of dressing this way just 30 minutes before the start of her long-awaited party and in front of her friends.

 

You didn’t have the heart?  Oh, but you do have the heart to watch her being called a slut on social media?  For fuck’s sake, Shona.  You suck at this mothering thing.  It is your JOB to lecture her about the dangers of dressing that way! You KNOW there are dangers.  You don’t throw your daughter under the bus because you simply can’t be bothered to take a stand. Who gives a fuck what her friends think?

 

lecture

 

If something bad happens, it’s your fault!  Oh yes, my dear.  You KNOW that bad things can happen to 14 year old girls who spend the night at a disco with 40 “friends”, dressed like a Victoria’s Secret model.  And if one of those “friends” happens to bring a fifth of vodka for the birthday girl, something bad is very likely to happen.  And that will be your fault, Mommy Dearest.  This is the real world, not some Disney fairytale.  You are responsible for that little girl who thinks she’s all grown up now.  She’s not.  And you can stop blaming other KIDS for being assholes.  Teenagers are assholes, full stop. This is not exactly breaking news. It’s YOUR job to protect your child from those assholes, and make certain she isn’t engaging in any assholery herself.

 

Put the hotpants away until she understands what they say.  There is nothing wrong with hotpants.  Nothing whatsoever.  Why JudgyBitch has a pair herself!  I also understand what message I convey when I wear them, and I know how to deflect attention that I don’t want but fully understand I am going to get.  Flo is nowhere near old enough to do either of those things:  understand or deflect.  She is a striking girl who understands that her beauty has power, but she doesn’t really know what that power consists of, or how she can use it safely.  You admit that you weren’t much of a looker yourself, and that’s sad, but it in no way excuses you from coaching Flo to understand the power of beauty.  Beauty sends a signal, and that signal can be mixed.  Not everyone who sees Flo parading around in hotpants and a sheer shirt will also understand that she is a little girl playing dress-up.  She may not understand it herself.

 

dressup

 

But you do.  Flo will face the consequences of your refusal to face her down, and take a stand.  She will pay the price for your total lack of concern for her well-being.  Is that what you want?

 

I doubt it.  I’ll say it again:  you are not her FRIEND.  You are her mother.  Your first job is to protect her.  The next time she wants to wear hotpants out of the house, tell her “Sure.  As long as you’re dressed like Lara Croft and you know how to kick some ass”.  Then enroll her in mixed martial arts classes.  Every girl should know how to use a chokehold.

 

0

 

That’s just common sense.

 

Lots of love,

 

JB

 

19 Responses to “You let this slide? Are you fucking crazy? Where is your common sense?”

  1. Wilson January 10, 2013 at 14:07 #

    Maybe I have been desensitized, but that outfit doesn’t seem that bad, though maybe the kid is too young for the “disco party”. I agree that the mom should stop relishing the drama of reacting to internet trolls, and focus on protecting her daughter from real threats.

    Like

  2. judgybitch January 10, 2013 at 14:16 #

    She’s 14!

    It seems bad to me.

    Like

  3. Anonymous January 10, 2013 at 14:37 #

    Hell would freeze over before I was able to leave the house like that at 14- I’m not a parent but hell would freeze over if I was and my daughter pulled that shi-t. Your point is right, JB- its not the pants themselves- but at 14 you dont have the maturity to deflect comments from men. My own case in point. By 16, I had DDD breasts and looked 25. I knew I had power,,,but,,,I didn’t know quite how to use it,,correctly?? ( if that makes any sense,,,to a woman it probably will)
    Unfortunately for me I had a clueless mother who’s answer was to pray and deny my emerging sexuality- That, and a distant, unloving father, could have been a recipe for disaster were it not for my parents’ strictness.
    There has to be a middle ground between my parents and this girls mother. Your ideas sound about right…and realizing that the feminist bullsh-t that I missed at home ( I graduated from HS in 1985) the onslaught of feminism/slut culture/liberal trope was not yet in full swing.)
    I cringe today to think of what it must be like for teenage girls. I hope as a parent Id be able to stomach it and be strong enough to put my foot down. Heres hoping it does for Flo.

    Like

  4. Liz January 10, 2013 at 15:16 #

    The outfit was completely inappropriate, and the mother is a lunatic. God bless…we have everything turned around in this country.

    What used to be a point of pride is now considered shameful (acting like a man, et al), and what was once a point of shame (acting like a slut, raising a crappy disrespectful kid, obesity itself) is now a point of pride.

    It is to weep.

    Like

  5. madsusies January 10, 2013 at 15:25 #

    For God sake, her mom admit to sniffing her facebook communication. LOL she made all worst, when that read the trolls, poor girl will have a hell on social networks 😦

    Like

  6. Chaos Cow January 10, 2013 at 15:53 #

    Nothing new here…unfortunately. This is the quality of character the majority of parents/people possess today. I work with never married single mothers of 2, 3 and 4 children (all under 10) who sit at the bar after work for hours, trash talking their “dead beat” ex’s and crying poverty while they spend their paychecks on booze. If they cannot comprehend why this is unacceptable behavior how can we expect them to perform rudimentary parenting tasks like discussing inappropriate teenage apparel?

    That’s about as easy as parenting gets but it’s far easier to buy them phones, games and computers and blame someone else when all goes wrong.

    And to think, these are the women I’m supposed to “man up” for?

    Like

  7. Liz January 10, 2013 at 16:06 #

    If she doesn’t like unflattering commentary from the internet she shouldn’t place her photos on the worldwide web inviting commentary. The mom should have been checking on this not only once, but continually…she is a minor.

    I have only sons. And they aren’t allowed to have a facebook account.

    Like

  8. happycrow January 10, 2013 at 16:20 #

    Appropriate response:
    “Honey, I know you’re trying hard here, but that outfit doesn’t work — that doesn’t say ‘cute,’ it says ‘streetwalker.’ Let me help you out.”

    It’s a terrible outfit just to start with, and her mom (I’d say “and Dad” but suspect you’re all to right about that one) should be teaching her better fashion sense than that to begin with.

    Like

  9. Erudite Knight January 10, 2013 at 17:49 #

    Whats sad, is this girl will grow up liek 98% of all women, using her looks to get (usually wrong) guy attention, then be utterly confused ‘where all the nice guys went’
    hahahah

    Like

  10. M3 January 10, 2013 at 20:04 #

    Welcome to the toddlers in tiara’s generation.. where the only outfit a 14 year old can wear that will make you think something is horribly wrong is actually modest clothing.

    Like

  11. Kai January 10, 2013 at 20:30 #

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2259514/Writer-Shona-Sibary-play-BOGGLE-sex–speaking-ITV-This-Morning.html
    Based on the next article they linked to, there is in fact a father – just one without a shred of power in the house..

    Like

  12. judgybitch January 10, 2013 at 22:16 #

    “Shona Sibary said she can go for months without sex, and that she and her husband of 13 years are ‘happier than ever’ – despite adding later that her husband would probably like to have more sex.”

    Oh wow! Poor man. How can she really believe that going months without sex will make her husband happy? How can it make HER happy?

    Good lord. I’m miserable when my husband is out of town for two days!

    She’s just a lovely woman, isn’t she?

    #fat #ugly #shrew

    Like

  13. judgybitch January 10, 2013 at 22:19 #

    Where is she supposed to learn decent behaviour when her mother just chugs wine rather than parenting?

    Poor girls.

    Like

  14. Liz January 10, 2013 at 23:35 #

    Well…she did address her objection of the public critique of her child by writing an article, including the slut photo, thereby inviting even more public critique. Lovely woman AND a rocket scientist. Lucky, lucky guy.

    Like

  15. Nesa Simon David January 11, 2013 at 04:16 #

    not only does the mother not stop her daughter from going out dressed like a prostitute, she actually asks her daughter to pose while she takes a picture for posterity.

    Like

  16. aspasialibertine January 19, 2013 at 19:13 #

    I wouldn’t let my 14 year old wear sparkly gold hotpants to a disco party. There are other outfits that are appropriate for her age and for a 1970s disco party.

    Yes, chokeholds AND how to best weaponize whatever is in your hands (or close enough).

    Like

  17. judgybitch January 19, 2013 at 19:18 #

    The thing about this example that really got me is that the girl’s mother KNEW it was totally inappropriate, but was too afraid to take on her daughter and just drank wine instead.

    Then she blames social media and the OTHER kids for observing that Flo’s outfit was inappropriate.

    The lady is in desperate need of a mirror.

    Like

  18. Marlo Rocci January 19, 2013 at 22:43 #

    I would definately say we have a management issue here. Who attended the party should have been carefully vetted. However, given the british economy and a lack of father’s support, prostitution is where this girl was headed anyway. So I give the clothes a pass. It’s better job training than the british schools will give her.

    Like

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