This is what domestic violence looks like

28 Jan

Every word of this story, sadly, is absolutely true.

 

surgeon

 

Mr. JB has been friends with Dr.K for well over 20 years. Dr.K is an extremely accomplished man. He is a surgeon and he regularly travels around the world to train other surgeons in techniques he has developed to treat a relatively common but often lethal situation. He lives in a modest sized town at the edge of a large rural population, and he is not only the head of his area of surgical specialization, but whenever ANYONE in his swath of the woods sustains the injury he treats, he is consulted. His responsibilities are enormous and he saves lives, every day.

 

Shortly after me and Mr.JB married, Dr.K met a woman. Beauty is also a doctor, but not a surgeon. They met at the hospital where they both work, and over time, developed a relationship. Beauty isn’t really a beauty, but she has the most extraordinary hair, and ladies, NEVER underestimate the awesome power of your hair. Natural light auburn ringlets that fall in a cascade of shimmering fire down to her waist. Probably the most beautiful hair I’ve ever seen.

 

hair

 

Dr.K had a bucket list of all the qualities he wanted in a wife, and she seemed increasingly perfect.

 

Accomplished? Check

Physically fit and attractive? Check

Devoted to him? Check

Prepared to be a stay at home wife and mother? Check

 

Yes, she’s a doctor, trained at enormous expense by the state, but her first obligation is to any children she might have, and she planned, and did, take more than a decade off of work, and I don’t fault her for that, but it does piss me off to listen to her whine about the “wage gap”. The wage gap exists because YOU TOOK A DECADE OFF while your male counterparts worked 70 hour weeks!

 

http://www.avoiceformen.com/video/wage-gap-debunked/

 

But that’s another story.

 

So Dr.K and Beauty married. I had a very small baby at the time so I didn’t go to the wedding but Mr. JB did and he said it was pretty much unanimous that Beauty was bat shit fucking insane and that Dr.K was making a huge mistake. When he said “I do” all his friends shook their heads in sorrow, but I don’t think any of them could guess just how bad the situation would become.

 

wedding

 

They had three children in very quick succession and by the time the third child had arrived, Dr.K knew he was in deep trouble. His first clue was that he was not permitted to speak to his children. No really. Beauty’s first language is not English and she wanted the children to be bilingual. Fair enough. Dr.K does not speak any language OTHER than English, but Beauty forbid a word of English to be spoken in the house.

 

When Dr.K told me this, my response was “tell her to fuck off”. Seriously? Who forbids a grown-up from speaking to HIS OWN CHILDREN? Dr.K said that he if he tried to discuss the situation with Beauty, she would keep him up all night screaming and railing and crying, and for a surgeon, that’s a disaster with the potential to cost someone’s life.

 

screaming

 

So he gave in to her. He accepted her edict. His children do not know a word of English and cannot speak to their father.

 

Beauty is also insanely controlling with the children. They are not permitted to have a glass of water if it is not water drinking time. Beauty has them on a schedule that would make the commanders of the Israeli army proud. This actually upsets Dr.K enormously. He is deeply worried that she is crushing their very souls. She permits them no decision-making abilities at all. Dr.K thinks she is making them crazy. As crazy as she is.

 

Dr.K is not allowed to participate in his children’s lives in any meaningful way. He has never given them a bath (7:15 to 7:25 PM EVERY NIGHT), he has never taken them to the park. They have never been to the movies, to the zoo or to the country for a picnic.

 

picnic

 

And again, there was no possibility of discussing any of this with Beauty. All that would earn Dr.K was a night with a shrieking, raging wife and a surgery scheduled for the morning. Over the course of the years, it seemed obvious that the only solution was divorce. I am the last person in the world to advocate for divorce where there are children involved, but Dr.K is in an abusive relationship, and that is the only acceptable reason to head to the courts.

 

Dr.K picked a weekend when he was not on call and just before sitting down to dinner, he broached the subject of permanently ending their misery.

 

Here is what happened:

 

Beauty hurled a heavy stoneware plate at his head and severed his carotid artery near his temple. Both being doctors, they were able to deal with a situation that could very well have been fatal.

 

plate

 

Beauty then picked up the phone and threatened to dial police emergency. She said that she would tell the police Dr.K had been beating her. He would be arrested and spend the weekend in jail. Dr.K is well known enough that he would likely make the news. His reputation would be destroyed. He would forever be the doctor who beat his wife, no matter what happened. The fact that Dr.K is fit and strong and Beauty is a tiny little thing would automatically convict Dr.K in the public’s mind.

 

And Beauty knew it.

 

So what did Dr.K do? Nothing. He stayed. In fact, Beauty insisted on having a fourth child, and if Dr.K tried the whole “not tonight dear, I have a headache”, she would keep him up all night screaming and it was just easier to comply. Dr. K told Mr.JB the day his fourth child was born was the saddest day of his life.

 

Is Dr.K innocent in all of this? Sadly, I don’t think he is. He should have walked out and taken his kids a long time ago. But a decade of constant, unending abuse from his wife has left him a broken man. And the simple truth is that the price for him to rescue his children, and himself, is devastatingly high. He WILL spend at least a night in jail, and probably more. He WILL be vilified in the press and spend the rest of his life living under the cloud of suspicion. He WILL have his reputation as a surgeon compromised and a google search will always turn him up as an accused abuser.

 

abused

 

Still, he often dreams of going ahead with the divorce anyways. He has consulted lawyers and has a good grasp of what the financial consequences will be. More or less total destruction. She will be awarded custody and even if he fights, the best he can hope for is 50%. His lawyers have advised him that he is unlikely to be awarded 50% custody, given his work schedule and frequent travelling.

 

In other words, he is well and truly fucked. And he lives every day of his life with a woman who threatens him, who berates him, who mentally tortures him and rapes him. Yes, she rapes him. Sex is coerced because the alternative is to endure sleep deprivation and haranguing and endless agony.

 

I’m not sure what Dr.K will do. Mr. JB and I just pray it doesn’t involve him putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger.

The reality is that Dr.K is trapped. The even more brutal reality is that any woman can do this to any man, and face no consequences. I could do this to Mr.JB, if I wanted to. I have the power to do so.

 

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. When marriage has been turned into a vehicle that allows women absolute control over men, is it any wonder that the institution has become so corrupt, and men are simply refusing to play along?

 

Until we accept that domestic violence occurs evenly between men and women, until we accept that women can be the perpetrators and men the victims, until we refuse to mock men who ARE victims, until we accept that fathers are as vital to children as mothers, men like Dr.K will be powerless to save themselves, or their children.

 

dad

 

And women like Beauty will continue to believe that they are entitled to behave any way they like, because they will face no consequences for their actions. This is why there is such a thing as a men’s rights movement.

 

Hey, does anyone have $10 they can spare? Oh, good. Give it to these people, who are fighting to make sure Dr.K doesn’t end up dead by his own hand, and Beauty won’t long have the power of destruction.

 

http://www.avoiceformen.com/

 

All the forces in the world are not so powerful as an idea whose time has come.

Victor Hugo

 

Lots of love,

 

JB

 

 

34 Responses to “This is what domestic violence looks like”

  1. Kai January 28, 2013 at 17:08 #

    That’s unbelievably horrific.
    Women make me embarrassed to be female, but also lucky to be one. Because if I was a man, I would be single for life. You just can’t trust women in a world where they have so much power. Any man who marries or has sex ever is choosing right there to put his entire future life in the hands of the whim of the woman. And that’s just wrong.

    Like

  2. Erudite Knight January 28, 2013 at 17:09 #

    Damn. That is what most women (and patheically most men) cant understand, is even a INNOCENT male is automatically guility when a women is in the picture. With women becoming increasingly violent and militant this story will be repeated all too often.

    Like

  3. Leap of a Beta January 28, 2013 at 17:24 #

    This is an extreme solution but he should have cameras installed in his own home to collect evidence to use in court about the abuse and batshit craziness of this woman. I’d consult a lawyer about this first but it sounds like the right way to go for a doctor that can likely afford hiring a private company without his wife knowi g

    Like

  4. judgybitch January 28, 2013 at 17:29 #

    Good advice, Leap. I will pass it on. It looks like he IS going to go through with the divorce.

    How does he avoid getting arrested when she calls emergency services and says he is beating her up? Videotaped evidence will prove his case in court, but that will take time.

    In the meantime, his arrest will likely make the papers, and then the damage is done.

    Like

  5. Jack Schitz January 28, 2013 at 17:32 #

    “Beauty then picked up the phone and threatened to dial police emergency. She said that she would tell the police Dr.K had been beating her.”

    He should have turned to her and said “Well if I’m going to go to jail for it, I might as well be guilty of it.” I would have loved to see the expression on her face….

    Like

  6. princesspixiepointless January 28, 2013 at 17:35 #

    So were none of these signs there before they married? If we did the gender switch-aroo on this one, wouldn’t you call the woman an idiot for not having better judgement?

    Like

  7. judgybitch January 28, 2013 at 17:53 #

    There were tons of signs! Well, not that she would be this bad but all the controlling shit was there from day one. He just either didn’t see it or didn’t think it would get out of hand.

    Pixie, I hated this bitch from day one! Everybody did. But I would never have guessed it would be that bad. She won’t let them speak English!!!

    Like

  8. Jack Schitz January 28, 2013 at 17:55 #

    BTW, he should talk to his lawyer on this. Surreptitious video recording in a place where there is an expectation of privacy may be a problem (and frankly it’s difficult logistically to accomplish). Often jurisdictions have looser rules for audio recording so he may want to think about wearing a “wire” when at home. In any case he should talk to his lawyer first.

    Like

  9. happycrow January 28, 2013 at 18:34 #

    This dude needs to lawyer up, bigtime – a woman who is this unstable is a threat to the kids.

    Like

  10. Odysseus January 28, 2013 at 19:19 #

    Leap beat me to the video/audio evidence bit idea, as to the arrested part I don’t know how things work if you’re north of the 49th parallel or I’d advise calling to report before she calls. Keep in mind this then becomes a war to the knife and the knife to the hilt. He needs to demand her arrest for assault and abuse even if it means they are both arrested. Part of this might well be if he can provoke her into full on rage conniptions by the time the police arrive while he stays calm, reasonable, and maybe a little sorrowful.

    If he has any photographic evidence of his previous abusive injury I’d say have it on hand and maybe have already filed for a restraining order before she does.

    Again this is likely going to be a legal nuclear exchange, but what you describe sounds worse.

    Like

  11. Friday Drunk January 28, 2013 at 22:55 #

    There had to be signs. It is unfortunate how many guys will just give up everything for beauty. Had a good friend in University who disappeared as soon as he found a girlfriend. She forbid him to talk to us. Now, she has forbid him to talk to his loving family. Of course, these were his idiotic decisions and I blame him. But still.

    Like

  12. Liz January 28, 2013 at 22:56 #

    Holy crap JB! That is horrifying. Video evidence might not be admissible in a criminal trial ( if there was a reasonable expectation of privacy) but civil court rules might be different. It is worth a try either way…I’m sure pictures taken surreptitiously by private investigators hired by spouses are

    Like

  13. Liz January 28, 2013 at 23:14 #

    Just to add…not accustomed to the iPhone and I fired prematurely above. I understand his reservations about bad press with his practice. Worst case he can leave the state and transfer his license. The press won’t follow him. That is a drastic step but worth it in this case if push comes to shove. I feel terrible for those kids especially what a toxic environment for them to live in

    Like

  14. Dean Esmay January 28, 2013 at 23:26 #

    Given that in Canada a woman can apparently pay an undercover Mountie $25,000 to kill her ex-husband, then get off later when at trial she claims he was abusing her from over 200km away while living with his current wife, and face no jail time and no conviction at all, I’m not sure what good “lawyering up” will do.

    Like

  15. SupersonicBurst January 29, 2013 at 01:21 #

    Domestic violence is disgusting regardless of who is the perpetrator or who is the victim. Male or female.

    However, may I ask if you’d mind clearing up something?

    In your blog where you warn men from dating ‘single Mothers’ you said the following;

    “Divorced moms who escaped abusive marriages with drug/sex/gambling/whatever addicts should not get a free pass from you, either. Even if it’s TRUE that the husband was a colossal fuck-up, you need to ask yourself what kind of imperceptive moron couldn’t spot that? What kind of insecurities plague a woman who thinks getting married to a drug addict is good idea? What kind of delusional self-image does a woman have, if she can fall for a con artist with a gambling habit that would shame Charlie Sheen? Be very cautious around a woman who takes none of the blame for her failed marriage. You might not be the FIRST man she blames all her problems on, but you sure as hell can be NEXT.”

    Does the same set of rules apply to men as well? Going by your above quoted comments, it’s Dr K’s fault for not knowing his wife was going to be abusive. Otherwise, your blog is just pure hypocrisy.

    Like

  16. judgybitch January 29, 2013 at 01:26 #

    Is Dr.K innocent in all of this? Sadly, I don’t think he is.

    Try reading the posts first before you comment.

    Like

  17. Friday Drunk January 29, 2013 at 01:28 #

    What? That’s unpossible

    Like

  18. Teresa Dietzinger January 29, 2013 at 01:39 #

    Why doesn’t doctor man hire a woman to call CPS and say that she saw Beauty beating up the kids? I say if you’re dealing with a dirty, unferhanded, souless woman, you need to use dirty, underhanded souless tactics.

    Like

  19. judgybitch January 29, 2013 at 01:41 #

    Wouldn’t they run the risk of ending up in foster care? Plus, I don’t think he wants to destroy Beauty. He just wants to give his kids a fighting chance!

    Like

  20. Keen Observer January 29, 2013 at 04:02 #

    From the sound of it, nothing less than total destruction will work. Someone finally needs to tell this…person…”enough”.

    He should make sure she’s served without warning in public (as humiliatingly as possible?), if he’s actually going through with it, and then surrender the residence, making sure he has nothing to go back for that might be used against him. I would think–as naive as I am–that would make any “abuse” case against him harder to stick (and maybe strengthens his?).

    If she’s smart, she wouldn’t do that anyway, because if he loses his ability to earn his living, he can’t exactly pay alimony and child support and support her in the style to which she has become accustomed. But she might be crazy enough not to care.

    Like

  21. Leap of a Beta January 29, 2013 at 05:52 #

    Don’t let her call emergency services. He should do this:

    Install the cameras and get six months of all the shit youre describing.

    Get everything in order for the divorce legally

    The day he’s going to serve the papers, buy her and her mom/best friend a day at the spa. Make it an arranged day that she’s not allowed or able to change. Birthdays or holidays are best.

    On that day, he should have the kids all day. He changes the locks on the doors while she’s gone and as soon as the locks are changed calls up the cell phone company and turns off her phone. Have HIS PARENTS take the kids, tell them whats going on, and that under no circumstances are they to give them to her.

    When she comes home, she should find the papers served on the front door. And when she starts yelling, HE should be the one to call the cops. Best if the neighbors see her being crazy and can be a witness in his defense.

    The goal is that he takes away her weapon and makes it his weapon instead – or at least raise the chances as much as possible that they won’t arrest him out of hand. The other thing is that if he does get arrested his parents have the kids and she can’t take them away. Even better is if the parents take the kids and go on vacation (camping or something) for the weekend. That way if he spends a night in prison they have the kids and they’re out of reach of the police incase crazy bitch tries to get a court order for them to hand the kids over while the legal bullshit sorts itself out.

    It’s not perfect. And it’s served up damn cold and ruthless; but she’ll serve it hot and ruthless, so you have to work with what you have.

    Like

  22. cosplayconstruction January 29, 2013 at 06:33 #

    I dunno. If I had to choose between foster care and psychochick, I’d choose foster care. And how charitable of him to not want to destroy a woman who showed no qualms about utterly crushing him.If my brother received this level of treatment from his wife, I’d go all “The Night The Lights Went Down In Georgia” on her ass. (Yes, Internet Tough Gal Speak, I know.)

    Like

  23. Leap of a Beta January 29, 2013 at 07:17 #

    After having a few beers, with my subconscious working on various things, thought I’d come back and re-emphasize that even though one/all of these might SOUND like amazing ideas to you or this doctor, he should run ANYTHING he does by a lawyer.

    Different states and counties have different views on if these types of actions can be constituted as someone legally covering their ass, someone trying to work the system, or actually placing a woman in an environment where she’s able to pick up on subconscious signals and stress from the man. Hell, I could see it even being argued as harassment or breach of privacy (despite it being HIS HOUSE as well).

    Gotta love when taking defensive, logical steps to prevent a system made to legally beat you down is then seen as making the situation worse.

    Anyways, I’m both sure that there is a line that can be crossed from being safe to being viewed as a horribly manipulative/controlling husband (when she’s the one being those in reality). I’m also sure the line changes place to place. Thus, legal council on every. single. thing.

    Like

  24. redpillwifey February 7, 2013 at 16:39 #

    Good. God.

    This is one of the most horrifying things I’ve read in a while.

    Like

  25. Peregrin Took February 28, 2013 at 21:50 #

    Could you please keep us updated with Dr. K’s status? I’m not asking in a gossipy way. I just pray that the man comes through this well.

    Like

  26. yaser March 28, 2013 at 00:34 #

    Good idé.

    Put up multiple cameras and recording devices, provoke her by pushing her buttons in a way that no normal women would ever react violently against, have him calmly and rationally stand his ground while she throuhs fits.

    And then take the beating. Ask her to stop calmly, tell her she is hurting him. But refuse to give up.

    Suggested buttons. Tell he he will start to speak to his kids in English. That he is planing to take them to picnic next MONTH. That he bought some candy for them to enjoy next WEEK. That he is thinking about letting the kids spends a weekend at his mothers house.

    At the end of it, maybe having received 6-10 hits, and she having drawn blood at least 3 times, ask her why she does this every time.

    Ask her “have i ever hit you?” and insist on an answer that will be recorded.

    Then make amends and peace. Apologies.

    Next time she is out of the house, take the kids and drive them to the mans grandparents (AS STATED IN THE RECORDED VIDEO). Don’t say a word to her, except letting her know the kids are fine.

    Move to a hotel that is highly surveillance. Make sure to be caught on surveillance tapes and videos. Buy things every two hours on a credit card, preferably in a another city.

    Let her think he lives in a friends house. Have the friend refuse to open the door to her.

    Entrap her to make a easily counter proven false allegation.

    But before she does that, upload the video onto youtube and the entire history onto a custom made website. Get a web designer to do it, pay whatever it costs.

    After that, call the polis on her.

    Then watch her burn.

    Have her become a local symbol of batshit insane females, and what they can do to a man, and to what extremes a man must take to be able to escape the situation, even if he is a high status man as he is.

    Have that happen before you call the police. Initiate both at the same time. She wont be able to notice before she gets prompted to make the false allegation charge.

    Have him film himself calling the police, and then look into the camera and say: “I’m in another town, but she doesn’t know. Tonight, she is going to false accuse me of beating her”.

    Make sure to mention on the website that there were no advice for him, no womans shelter for him. No nothing.

    Yeah, baby!

    Like

  27. Hired Mind March 31, 2013 at 23:26 #

    (this is from a US perspective, not sure if this is in Canada, or if things are different there)

    Here’s my advice: If he does outfit the house with clandestine surveillance equipment, and his wife does falsely call the police and get him arrested, do not fight it. Let himself be arrested, and get out on bail.

    When the police arrive, they will split them up. He should remain calm, and offer to go outside to talk to them, because he doesn’t want his kids out in the cold/heat. This will cause them to interview her inside (in full view of the cameras/microphones) and no-doubt capture gallons crocodile tears, and her lying to the police.

    Don’t say ANYTHING else to the police except “Officers, I’d rather not say anything without counsel”.

    Don’t even tell the police about the recordings. If she has injured herself at all, the police have no choice but to arrest him anyway (in most states).

    Here’s the important part, for his reputation:
    A day or two after the story hits the news, while the story is still “hot” (but not the same day! It will get diluted by the accusations), release the least damning of all the recordings (especially the one where she makes the false accusation, if available) onto the internet, and alert every press outlet he can to the recordings. The press will eat it up – they love plot twists. Then every day, release them one at a time, from least damning to most. This will provide several days of coverage to show what a nutcase she is.

    It will also accomplish something else: it will not allow the courts to completely suppress the evidence. Unfortunately you cannot count on the courts to be impartial.

    All in all it will be a horrible experience, but there is a way to fight it.

    Like

  28. JBfan January 13, 2014 at 01:42 #

    According to girlwriteswhat this attitude to domestic violence has been around since time immemorial but it is interesting that you say his friends twigged that he was asking for trouble by marrying this unbalanced psycho because though women frequently claim we are stupid (at least feminist women may) but we guy friends can tell if another of our mate’s girlfriends is bad news. For example, one of my friends forever seemed to be dragged into long drawn out conversations with his GF, acting in what sounded like a manipulative manner to him, questionable reactive to being on her period (I hear it is an unpleasant experience but even for that I was slightly alarmed). It wasn’t until a long time later that I met her, and more alarm bells started ringing once she began sending subtly flirtatious signals to me, and especially to my brother. I wanted to say something, but knew since I did not even see him too often, my suspicions would not be taken seriously. Shortly afterwards, she cheated on him and he broke it off. Go figure :/

    Like

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