Valentine’s Day is bullshit. Except for chocolates. I’ll take those.

11 Feb


So the mathematical wizards over at Jezebel have worked out a formula that determines how much money one has to spend on Valentine’s Day to ensure sex with a paramour happens. The ladies are not just handy with numbers, people, they are wordsmiths, too. Sex is described as “going to Poundtown”. How romantic.


This comes in the form of dinner and presents and presumably one should bring either a calculator or the receipts in order to determine if the correct amount of cash has been outlaid to secure sex.


And needless to say, this is the MAN buying sex from a WOMAN. Split the bill on VDay?!? Surely you jest. That’s not the kind of equality women are interested in. No, sir. On VDay, dudes spend their money and ladies spread their legs.

We should just start calling it Vagina Day and be done with it.

I’ve never been one to get overly excited about Valentine’s Day and not because I’m a cynical bitch who is too clever to fall for a commercial holiday crafted by chocolate makers, florists and greeting card companies. I think that’s a pretty stupid objection, actually. St, Patrick’s Day, Halloween, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, hell even Christmas and Easter are pretty much just straight up commercial holidays, and who cares?

They’re fun!

No, my principal lack of interest in Valentine’s Day stems from the fact that to me, it feels like a children’s holiday. Cinnamon hearts and pink cupcakes and exchanging Valentine’s at school and making hearts out of doilies and red and pink construction paper. It’s lovely and fun and sweet and poignant, but it just seems like something CHILDREN do.


In our house, I’m not the one who gets in to Valentine’s Day.


I’ve already told you the story of how I came to be in possession of a diamond engagement ring, but I also happen to be the owner of several other pieces of jewellery, all gifts from Mr. JB.

pearl diving

True story: When Mr. JB was a young man, working in Japan, he went on a tour of the famous Miki Moto Pearl Diving Facility and watched the divers harvest pearls and ate oysters and had romantic thoughts about the wife he had yet to meet. He wanted her to have pearl earrings to wear on her wedding day, so he purchased two matching, glossy pearls and set them aside for his one-day bride.


We met in August, and by February, we both knew that we had found our life partners. So for our first Valentine’s Day, he had those pearls set and I found them under my pillow in the morning. Under his pillow, actually. We spent the night in his room. On a single bed. Christ, we must have been in love!

single bed

I did not wear them until our wedding day. I’m not good at keeping track of my things, so I gave the pearls back to him for safe-keeping, and I’ve only worn them a handful of times since. The thought of losing them makes me feel ill, so they live in my jewellery box, safe and sound.

At one point, Mr. JB ended up with Dr.K in Thailand, and he purchased a beautiful blue sapphire for this bride he had yet to meet, so she could wear “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue”. I found the sapphire under my pillow on our second Valentine’s Day together.


So much for the idea that men don’t spend any time thinking about their wedding day. The amount of minutes I have dedicated in my entire life to pondering my nuptials: ZERO. Never gave it a thought. I thought about being married, but the wedding didn’t capture my imagination at all.

Valentine’s Day just seems to bring out the poet in Mr. JB, and not the one that writes limericks.

And I suppose that’s how I feel about Valentine’s Day, in general. If it’s a day you genuinely enjoy, that feels romantic, feels like a celebration of love, then by all means, carry on and have fun. Caveat: the person who cares about the day should foot the bill for it.


But if it’s just a cynical, opportunistic and narcissistic way to cast yourself as the Princess in your own fairytale, then I’m not so much into it. If you’re going to be a sulky cow and insist that your boyfriend/husband ruck up that $218 dollars, you’re not celebrating love, you’re celebrating prostitution.

And hey, why not? Go for it.


Nothing wrong with a little VDay prostitution, but don’t pretend it’s about love, unless by love, you mean “$218”.


As always, I will find a thoughtful, lovely present under my pillow on February 14th and a romantic card with a handwritten sentiment. And in exchange, I will give Mr. JB his favorite present. The one money can’t buy.

Oh wait. Scratch that. Money can buy it. From this gorgeous lady, for one.


But Mr.JB prefers to get his at home.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Lots of love,


13 Responses to “Valentine’s Day is bullshit. Except for chocolates. I’ll take those.”

  1. Liz February 11, 2013 at 14:58 #

    I’m sure Grace Bellavue charges quite a bit more than 218 dollars for “love” JB. Jezebel is a cheap hooker.

    I feel the same about the day of St Valentine (and jewelry for that matter) myself.


  2. Dean Esmay February 11, 2013 at 15:59 #

    Why do I think that the folks at Jezebel would take raging offense at anyone who suggested that you’re acting like a whore if you expect presents for sex, but would also treat a man like a loser and a bum if he didn’t put out serious cash for Valentine’s Day anyway?


  3. judgybitch February 11, 2013 at 16:07 #

    There’s no winning.

    I feel sorry for the guys who take a girl out, blow their $200 bucks, go back to her apartment, she strips naked and then oops! Feels like whore, changes her mind, DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING and then calls 911 in the morning.

    Happy Valentine’s Day! Thanks for dinner. Here’s your rape charge.


  4. Leap of a Beta February 11, 2013 at 17:38 #

    Lord. I would rather Oedipus myself than go out with a jezebel. Let alone fork out 200 for her.

    I’d buy myself new shoes or a couple nice shirts before spending it on any woman these days


  5. M3 February 11, 2013 at 17:42 #

    Jizzabel.. always finding a way to drag women into the gutter towards the lowest common denominator.

    Using their rationale… i should forgo doing anything with my SO, get a blowjob for $60 at the local escort and happily tell my SO that i’ve freed her from the toil of prostitutory obligation sex and saved us $158 bux to put towards next months cable bill.

    Because as a woman, you’re only as good as your vagina. So say the Jizzies.

    Really, i’m surprised more women are insulted enough to fucking knock Jezabel offline with a concentrated DOS attack.


  6. comslave February 11, 2013 at 18:32 #

    I disagree with the figure because every woman has a different price. There’s no flat rate for sex. You have to pay a premium for a stripper and you get a discount if they’re fat.

    Although I have to admit it’s humorous that JB would still advocate men paying for sex while demanding the right of women to take jobs from men. At some point that system breaks down.


  7. judgybitch February 11, 2013 at 18:37 #

    I’d encourage you to read around a bit. I’m not very subtle about the consequences of women flooding the labor market, and you’ll have to look long and hard before you find me advocating for women to take jobs from men.


  8. princesspixiepointless February 11, 2013 at 18:49 #

    I don’t think you get a discount on a stripper if they are above average size, I don’t think it’s a
    rate per pound. More entertainment value,

    How much is sex? how long is a piece of string…we were just quoting the Jezehel V-day pricing options.


  9. TMG February 11, 2013 at 20:10 #

    I hear lots of horror stories about selfish, demanding women on Valentine’s Day but I haven’t experienced it personally. A lot of the women I tend to associate with think it’s silly.


  10. Drama February 11, 2013 at 23:36 #

    $200+ bucks on a date for sex. Seems like a waste since you get the sex for free just going to a well populated bar or club.
    $200 dollars, ha!


  11. Woman For Man February 13, 2013 at 19:59 #

    Happy Valentine’s Day! Thanks for dinner. Here’s your rape charge.

    Reminds me of all that V-Day stuff which was all over American campuses — do they still do that?

    I think it’d be a great idea to hijack V-Day the way V-Day hijacked Valentine’s Day. No need to change the name or the theme, though. Make it a special day to “raise awareness” of the terrible, neglected state of America’s vaginas. That’s right, girls, it’s time to tighten up for the men! Nope, no use whining about tiny penises! We all know that the men would cross continents to make their love-wands bigger for their women, but hey, they’ve had to face hard fact that there ain’t nuthin’ they can do ’bout their dimensions — so quit complaining! …Thankfully, though, girls, your ‘ginas can be tuned up a treat! Isn’t that good news?! You can work that puss so that you and your young man fit one another snugly. Isn’t that so much better than crushing him for life with nuclear insults about his size and then ditching him for a donkey? Why, you may even land that sweet lil’ guy as your husband and have the honour of becoming his little lady! And you might even learn that men have feelings! Just imagine…

    Perhaps I might forward the above to the faculty of gender studies at Wellesley… 😉

    Like your blog, by the way. Stay judgy.


  12. Kristie February 13, 2013 at 21:49 #

    Lol. I have been selling myself WAYYY to cheap! just kidding!
    I usually buy reese cups only because they are on sale and my hubby LOVES them on V day. but I do that when they are on sale at any point during the year.

    I guess I do not understand the whole point of the swapping money for sex on V day. shoot just go to your local red light district and pick up a hooker if your that hard up for company on a Hallmark holiday. You would spend less, have as good of a romp and an STD thrown in just as easily as going through all the hassle of the $200 wine and dine. Just my thought.

    But then I am the lucky girl that get’s free gifts like: I Love You paper letters cut out and hung by fishing line from the ceiling outside my bedroom door, so it’s the first thing I get to see when I wake up. yeah, cheesy but oh so sweet that he took the time just to say I Love you in a special way.

    I guess I prefer that to the wine and dine. But we ARE an old married couple, so I can see how women like jezebel might find that not as cool.
    I’ll take chocolates too by the way…..
    Absolutely Love it JB, keep it up!



  1. Valentine’s Day is bullshit. Except for chocolates. I’ll take those. « misandryspecialist - February 12, 2013

    […] Valentine’s Day is bullshit. Except for chocolates. I’ll take those.. […]


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