Qualities I love in my wife

3 Mar

All that ass-fucking seems to have gone to my head, because today I am a man, and I am going to respond to this cupcake and tell her what I want in a wife. Cupcake, you see, has written out a detailed list of all the qualities she wants in a husband. Awww. How sweet!



Ungraciously, I am going to assume she did NOT create a corollary list of what she wants to BE in a wife, so I’m gonna help her out. It’s nice that you have such a detailed list, sweetie.

Here’s what it will cost you.

Qualities I love about my husband

(note: Cupcake is single)

Thinks I’m beautiful!!

My wife will reject the Beautiful Princess Rape Fantasy I’m So Ravishingly Beautiful I Deserve The Whole World bullshit Disney narrative of popular culture and be able to evaluate her own attractiveness fairly and objectively while simultaneously valuing herself for more than just beauty.

Fuck, I’m already screwed.


My wife will understand that being considerate works both ways, and she will understand that we have different definitions of what constitutes consideration. I will wipe the bathtub with my towel after I shower and she will not interrupt me when I’m playing Call of Duty.


My wife will understand that I see the world differently than she does, and that we are not going to make the same judgements and come to the same conclusions and she will accept that with grace and even possibly understand that there is some advantage to me going through the world with a bit of armor, especially when she needs to lean on me for support and strength



My wife will understand that there are different kinds of intelligence and we may not possess all types in equal measures, and that doesn’t make either of us stupid. She will probably have a bit more emotional intelligence and I will consult her on how best to respond to emotionally perplexing situations and she will understand that I am more analytical and will consult me on how to respond to analytically complex situations and together we will be one smart team!



My wife will understand that a bit of arrogance about my abilities and talents is what allows me to tackle problems and solve them, and that is likely what is going to generate my income.


Great (“innocent”) sense of humor

My wife will understand that a good dick joke is fucking hilarious and she will understand that even though our senses of humor may be different, we can still find each other funny and charming


Multi-lingual/facility to pick up languages

My wife will not be a superficial cunt who thinks speaking in more than one language is evidence for sophistication and worldliness


My wife will understand that kindness is a two-way street. I will be kind to her as long as she is kind to me. When we get pissed off at each other and say shitty things (hey, it happens), she will always assume the best of me, just as I will assume the best of her, and we will accept each other’s eventual apologies without vindictiveness or sulkiness.



My wife will understand that at the end of the day, the reason I dance with her in the kitchen and buy her flowers and ignore the cost of her hair appointments on the Visa bill (Jesus! $200! For what? You wear your hair in a ponytail most days!) is because I want to fuck her. Every day I want to fuck her. My wife will respond to my romantic gestures by fucking me, thereby guaranteeing a life filled with romance.



My life will understand that love is a synonym for accept. She will accept me completely, just as I will accept her. I will love her not despite her flaws, but because of them. Her flaws make her human, just as mine make me human. She will not try to change me, and I will not try to change her.

Ever faithful

My wife will understand that monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing, and she will be very cautious about destroying our marriage over a little entertainment on the side. She will also understand that if she follows the romantic rule, the odds of me stepping out on her are slim to fucking none.

Loves to travel

My wife will be happy in her home, and will be able to see the world from other people’s perspectives without necessarily needing to go to the other side of the world. My wife will know that travel is a luxury and if we can afford it, we’ll do it. If not, she will get a subscription to National Geographic and be happy I’m not willing to blow our family budget on something as superfluous as “travel”.



My wife will understand that my priority will be my family. She will know that it is hard-wired into my brain to protect them and care for them and ensure their survival. I will contribute to others, according to my means only AFTER I have done that, and she will love me for that instinct.


My wife will understand that sometimes, patience is overrated. If you sit around waiting for shit to come to you, it never will. Why is patience a virtue anyways? Why can’t hurry the fuck up be a virtue?

Calm/even tempered

My wife will understand that I am an emotional creature despite being a man and that I will express my emotions differently than her. She will not insist that I act like a woman and respond to situations and provocations like she will. If I’m pissed off, I will show it not by crying, but by getting on my Xbox and shooting a bunch of motherfuckers in the head.



My wife will understand that I am HER superman, and I will protect HER. I can’t save the whole damn world.


Musically inclined

This is too fucking stupid to even address. Musically inclined? Yeah, okay. I love Eminem.

But I do know one thing though, bitches, they come they go

Saturday through Sunday, Monday, Monday through Sunday yo’

Maybe i’ll love you one day, maybe we’ll someday grow

Till then just sit your drunk ass on that fuckin’ runway ho’…

That work for you, Cupcake?


My wife will understand that our definitions of adventurous are likely to be a little different. She can go cruising jumble sales for bone china. I’ll be over here rock-climbing.

rock climbing


My wife will see me as more than just a wallet filled with cash for her fucking hair appointments! She will see me as more than just a utility to provide her with all the shit she thinks she needs, but really just wants. My wife will value me for more than the cash I can generate and she will accept that once I HAVE the money I think we need, I will have other interests in life and she will encourage and appreciate those interests.

Loves children (family oriented)

Loves children. Absolutely. And intends to raise whatever children we have together herself. My wife will love children so much that the number one thing she will give them is a FATHER.


Enjoys all foods!!

What the fuck? This is just stupid. Mushrooms are fucking gross.



My wife will have some kind of useful skill that can be translated into labor market utility once our children have reached the age that they no longer require a full time caregiver at home with them. Humanities degrees are out. Accounting designations are in.


My wife will understand that just because she is a woman, she is not the final arbiter of what constitutes polite and acceptable behaviour. I have my own definitions, and I will govern my own behavior, thanks.


My wife will not be a superficial cunt who thinks knowledge of art and poetry and fine wines and literature is a measure of my worth. If I like those things, then I like them. I won’t pretend to like them just to impress her fucking bitch friends.

Healthy/physically fit

Boom! You bet your ass Cupcake! I will be fit and my wife will be fit alongside me. None of this “I don’t give a fuck about you or your desires” bullshit. No fatties. End of story.


Fun/fun loving

My wife will understand that our definitions of fun may be very different and she will make an effort to join me in things I find fun, just like I will make an effort to join in the things she thinks are fun. Yes, I will go ball-room dancing with you, as long as you go fly-fishing with me. And don’t fucking bitch the whole time.


dancing 2

Makes me laugh… from the gut

Yeah, totally. My wife needs to make me laugh. We need to travel through life together, laughing at all the ridiculous bullshit that we encounter every day.


My wife will understand first of all, that SHE is not the one who gets to define happiness. We will come to that definition together. She will also understand that sometimes happiness is not the answer. Sometimes being angry is the answer. Sometimes being aggressive and threatening and kick some ass is the answer, like when a mugger tries to pull his shit on us outside a restaurant. My wife will understand that I experience the intensity of anger differently than she does and she will respect that about me, and let me decide how I feel in any given situation.



My wife will understand that I will love her with all the depth of my soul and make her the center of my world – I will treat her as the only woman who has ever existed, as long as she does the same for me. She will be my Queen, as long as I am her King.

Great amazing lover

Oh yeah. My wife will understand the art of the blowjob, participate enthusiastically and skillfully in lovemaking, initiate it frequently and focus on my pleasure above all else. In exchange, I will focus on her pleasure above all else. Together, we will be fucking magnificent.


Likes animals (especially cats)

Well, cupcake, I hope YOU like cats.

cat lady

My guess is you’re gonna spend a long time with one.

Lots of love,


23 Responses to “Qualities I love in my wife”

  1. Liz March 3, 2013 at 13:26 #

    Silly JB. You know women as well as I do.

    This is just the first list she is making around age 21. By the time she is 30 half this list will be in the “I will change him into” pile and by age 35 she will only require about 1/10th of that list for marriage (and fake the perfect woman part). Assuming she finds the poor schmo she will try to change him to meet that criteria by a stream of conscious and unconscious emotional blackmail and henpecking submission until he’ll do almost anything to stop the pain. Then she’ll hate him for being a pussy.


  2. Marlo Rocci March 3, 2013 at 14:43 #

    Today you are a man? You’ve been watching too much japanese anime.


  3. Robert March 3, 2013 at 16:03 #

    Wow, JB. Where were you when I was getting married twenty years ago? You’ve probably described about 1/2 of 1% of the female population. Any woman who even strived for this list would be treated like a queen all the days of her life.


  4. sqt March 3, 2013 at 17:04 #

    My wife will understand that sometimes, patience is overrated. If you sit around waiting for shit to come to you, it never will. Why is patience a virtue anyways? Why can’t hurry the fuck up be a virtue?

    This. I love it when my husband goes into hurry the fuck up mode. Shit gets done. Awesome list.


  5. zykos March 3, 2013 at 20:03 #

    I’ve been talking about relationships with my sister lately, and we touched on the subject of what men want in women. She was convinced they want an aggressive, assertive, independent mind who has a lot of ambition and loves sex, and said that’s what her guys friends told her. I replied that it’s probably what they’re conditioned to think, but I see a new dimension with your post: neither men nor women really know what they want in a partner. We lie to ourselves. There is probably a lot of social conditioning, because “those are the things everyone wants”, but there is also just a complete lack of experience in what constitutes a healthy marriage (and those who get it right don’t divorce, so they’re not making these lists anymore).

    Making lists like these gives the impression you’re shopping for a car and not a spouse. It’s a useless endeavor because attraction is what will have the final say. There are tons of guys who almost fit the list Cupcake has, but they are single, because they are too beta to be attractive. And there are a lot of fat girls with “great personalities”. They’re going to stay single.


  6. robertcrayle March 3, 2013 at 20:20 #

    This may seem crass but… how familiar are you with ass-fucking? It’s just that I’m kind of curious now it’s been brought up two articles in a row.
    Also, is this sense of narcissistic entitlement common in North America? I’m Australian and I can’t recall seeing this that much in my life personally. Maybe because it doesn’t snow much down under… not many snowflakes!


  7. judgybitch March 4, 2013 at 01:05 #

    I’ve never fucked anyone up the ass. I’ve fucked with a few guy’s heads (oops, sorry dudes -I was young and immature -what can I say?) but that’s about it.

    My sexual experience is limited in terms of the number of partners, but pretty extensive in terms of individual occurences.

    Never had any desire to peg a man.

    Honestly, it seems like a whole lot of YUCK!

    I like men who are powerful, in their own ways. No interest at all in diluting that power.

    To me, that would actually be a total bonerkiller.


  8. Ted March 4, 2013 at 02:14 #

    I think I can sum up what most men want in a woman.

    There’s a common bumper sticker that reads:
    “Please Lord, give me the strength to be the man my dog thinks I am”

    Every man’s dream is for his wife to see him the way his dog does. And if she does, he’ll do everything he can to make himself worthy of it.


  9. Stories Dad Never Told You March 4, 2013 at 06:19 #

    Haha, it reads almost like the boy scout oath. I like to think I fit most of those…except for cats. Man do I hate cats


  10. Alex March 4, 2013 at 06:38 #

    i cant much tell if this came from you or your husband


  11. judgybitch March 4, 2013 at 12:23 #

    Everything on the blog is me, but this is a pretty good description of how things work between us.

    I don’t generally demand the right to define all the emotional contours of our relationship, and that’s what this woman’s list comes down to, isn’t it?

    Her definition of the world is the one he has to accept or GTFO.

    She’s single.



  12. Alex March 4, 2013 at 14:56 #

    ah kk. has he ever put anything up here?


  13. judgybitch March 4, 2013 at 15:06 #

    He commented once,but no, he doesn’t write anything for my little hobby.

    Why? Do you want him to?


  14. Alex March 4, 2013 at 15:35 #

    it’s fine i he doesn’t. doesn’t make tht much of a difference to me, but it would be interesting to see his take on some of things that the femidiots put out


  15. Alex March 4, 2013 at 15:37 #

    * if


  16. Nicky March 5, 2013 at 10:54 #

    What gets me is her desire to have a man who is a lot of totally incompatible things! For instance he must be someone who is really keen to get on in his career (ambitious) but is content to wait for this (patient) and isn’t particularly confident about his ability (humble) AND is more family orientated than career orientated too. And both even calm and passionate. AND this person has to be happy, polite and compassionate while struggling to be ALL THE THINGS she wants.

    There’s nothing WRONG with wanting the impossible – as long as you appreciate it’s a fantasy! (Personally, I’d like 6 impossible things before breakfast daily – and not to have to get up til lunchtime.)


  17. Lovekraft March 5, 2013 at 19:48 #

    I think a lot of this entitlement mentality originated from Madonna’s in-your-face attitude, followed by the Spice Girls (Girl Power!). Now, add to them the American Idol phenom and the multitude of reality shows promoting self-centered shallowness.

    Mix these together, add a medium that facilitates expressing such mentality (the Internet) and you have the modern creature called “PersonwhowouldnormallyhavediedunnoticedexceptfortheInternet” (or PWWNHDUEFI).

    Finally, to crayle above: leave that inquiry for your reddit friends.


  18. Hired Mind April 2, 2013 at 06:06 #

    Great list!

    But I have to disagree with you about the mushrooms. Some thick-sliced mushrooms sautéd with a tiny bit of balsamic vinegar and some fresh dill – fanTAStic on a steak. Add on some garlic, boiled for about 20 minutes in olive oil and then crushed on top… wow, it’s like a foodgasm.

    Years ago when I was getting serious about someone and we began living together, I had only really one rule: “If you ever bring a Lima Bean into this house, even by accident, it’s over.”


  19. EurEye August 22, 2014 at 16:57 #

    What?! You don´t like mushrooms?


  20. judgybitch August 22, 2014 at 18:10 #

    Yech! Barf! Ick! Blech!


    Hate’ em.

    I cook them though. My husband loves them.


  21. Valhar2000 September 10, 2014 at 13:43 #

    Yeah, that’s the dream, isn’t it?


  22. Valhar2000 September 10, 2014 at 13:51 #

    At the risk of sounding like the Feminists who complain about “nice guys”, I have to say I am skeptical about the great personalities of some of these fat women. Have you ever checked out one of those Fat Acceptance websites? Rarely will you see a more petty, vindictive and anti-liberal group of people, other than Rad-Fems, of course.

    With “great personalities” like that they’ll scare away any man, no matter what they look like.



  1. I love lists | There Is No Game - March 11, 2013

    […] I just did a post about checklists. Here’s another good one from Reddit via JudgyBitch: […]


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