Sex contracts? Sounds like so much fun. How do you enforce defaults?

13 Mar

Tracey Cox, who writes a sex advice column at the Daily Mail has some advice for couples who aren’t having the amount of sex they would like:  what you need to do is think about all the things your partner considers romantic or seductive and then set the stage so that you can deliver those things, whatever they are.  If flowers and candlelight are the things that make your partner’s heart beat faster, then pick some up on your way home and turn the lights off when you get there.


If your partner finds it hot that you sit beside him on the couch watching footie, wearing nothing but his favorite team jersey, well, put the kids to bed and find a game to watch.


The key thing is to put your partner’s pleasure above your own, and use his or her preferences to encourage a little more time spent pursuing one of life’s great pleasures.


No, silly, that’s not how you have more sex with your partner.  What you NEED to do is think about what YOU want, and then write a detailed contract specifying all the particulars and then you both need to SIGN THAT CONTRACT (blood is optional, apparently) because nothing says “I love you darling and want to have sex with you” quite like the concept of CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION.


So romantic.

Usually, contracts come with some penalty for defaulting.  That opens up a lot of possibilities, doesn’t it?


You know, I can’t quite figure out where the caricature of the modern career lady as a dour shrew sucking the joy out of everything comes from?


And it seems that you can use this technique of contractual obligations for more than one aspect of life and love, too.  Look!  Jezebel has instructions for How to Make a Dude Sweep the Kitchen Floor (Correctly), Without You Even Having to Tell Him.

Make him!





Wow. Life with these ladies sounds like so much fun.


Here is just SOME of Jezebel’s list of considerations:

Do I do half of the laundry and half of the dishes every day?

Do I buy half of the clothes and toys?

Do I take on half of the management of my care providers?

Do I write half of the lists and notes?

Do I wake up in the middle of the night to calm the baby half of the time?

Do I change half of the diapers?

Do I plan half of the travel?

Do I track half of the household budget?

Do I put the kids to bed half of the time?

Do I make half of the grocery, sports, and afterschool lesson runs?

Do I write half of the e-mails to my kids’ teachers?

Do I watch the kids for half of the weekend and for half of every weeknight?

Seems like they forgot something, no?




This just leaves me with my head shaking.  In what world does this make sense?

Women work fewer hours

At idiotic jobs (Hello, File Clerk! – Good job knowing your alphabet!  Yay!)

file clerk

That require little to no physical effort

Make less money

And still demand the right to define what gets done in a house and by whom.

Here’s an easy way to add more sex to your marriage:  stop being such an irrational witch and do the damn housework yourself!

You know what really confuses me?  Why do men marry these women?  How is it even possible that they HAVE husbands?  What do men get out of relationships with these women?  Contractual sex, a shit ton of housework, and the thankless task of bringing home more money and working more hours at more physically demanding jobs.


I think I’d rather be single.

Short post today – my kids are off school for the week and they are trashing the joint. I won’t be setting up any Excel spreadsheets to make sure I have correctly bitched out Mr. JB for not doing exactly half of all this additional work.

Oh, and I’ll probably get laid tonight, too.

Lots of love,


19 Responses to “Sex contracts? Sounds like so much fun. How do you enforce defaults?”

  1. Alex March 13, 2013 at 15:49 #

    i sometimes think these women buy their husbands. or their husbands just put up with it for sex, which could lead them to cheat when they find a better woman. other than that, however, i have no idea how these bitches get married


  2. Byron March 13, 2013 at 15:57 #

    Grand stuff.


  3. zykos March 13, 2013 at 16:19 #

    Since there already has to be a sex contract, can we make it more broad and produce it every time two people have sex? You know, with a clause that says “I hereby declare in front of witnesses that I consent to acts of X with cosigner Y, and that I will not retract such consent the next morning when I have sobered up or feel guilty about cheating on my spouse”. Contracts are great, they allow more governmental involvement and increase taxation!


  4. happycrow March 13, 2013 at 16:57 #

    Pic#2 is probably nsfw. And agreed with Alex: these are the gals who are shocked, SHOCKED when their man trades them in for a younger model.


  5. TMG March 13, 2013 at 17:20 #

    Sex contracts have been used in the BDSM community for years, with good reason.

    However, if the practice ever becomes even slightly mainstream, I am sure some feminist somewhere will throw a tantrum about how men are using contracts to force women into sex.


  6. Liz March 13, 2013 at 17:47 #

    Um, that fourth photo up from the bottom…makes me feel funny.

    Like I want to agree with the caption that ‘life with these ladies is fun’….or whatever, as long as it includes a silhouette of THAT guy, whoever he is. Impulse purchase, it’s the lizard brain talking please forgive….


  7. judgybitch March 13, 2013 at 17:50 #


    You’re bad, Liz.


  8. Sean March 13, 2013 at 17:56 #

    There already is a sex contract. It’s called your marriage.


  9. Liz March 13, 2013 at 18:22 #

    I do feel very bad.
    I will be over here biting my nails innocently.


  10. sqt March 13, 2013 at 20:37 #

    So let me get this straight. The same women who have been saying that housewives are basically prostituting themselves to their husbands in exchange for financial support are proposing an agreement in which they trade sex for… whatever the hell it is they put on their ridiculous lists?

    I like my arrangement better. And I’m pretty sure my husband gets more sex than theirs so it’s a win win.


  11. Ter March 13, 2013 at 21:28 #

    Re: “How do you enforce defaults?”

    Anyone else hear of the case where a French man was taken to court and sued for not providing enough sex during marriage? There wasn’t even a contract (other than marriage).
    I had heard of other cases in the Media too (Mexico comes to mind).

    Isn’t this the sort of thing that feminists would bitterly protest if women were being sued for not providing ‘enough sex’ during marriage? They tend to call this institutionalized rape.

    I’ve also noticed that, increasingly, ‘withholding sex’ is now being considered a form of sexual abuse, which is considered …Domestic Violence (tada!)

    ..although, in reality, withholding sex seems to only count as sexual abuse if it’s the man who’s doing the withholding.


  12. Marlo Rocci March 14, 2013 at 02:48 #

    IF I had a girlfriend who shoved a contract in front of me like that, the first thing I would write into the contract is to get another girlfriend.


  13. MaMu1977 March 15, 2013 at 20:29 #

    I worked with an old (80+ years) woman during my first enlistment. Once, during a pat h of “off time”, the younger women in our office ganged up on her to figure out the secrets to her success (65 years of marriage to a “hottie” who would drop her off atthe building with a kiss, something that he did until the day that he died.) This woman’s advice shocked them to the core. Simply put:
    Keep his wallet full of money
    Stomach full of food and drink
    Ears full of sweet words
    Only his balls should be empty.

    Her deal with her husband worked exactly like that. She made the meals (and looked out for deals), she ignored the whispers and advertising gimmicks (personal motto:”If it’s over $50 and it doesnt benefit the house, it’s too expensive!”), she saved her harshest language for major errors (not for minor peccadilloes or personal issues) and the only time she said “No” was when she was too sick to move (when asked about those times when she wasn’t “in the mood”, she said, “That’s why God gave you a hand and some spit!”)

    The shocking part about this story was her demographic-upper-middle class, WASP, converted Catholic. She made a group of feminist, sex-positive, independent women blush by using the word “balls”. She made them cringe by admitting that, yes, she looked the other way when she was too old to meet her husband’s needs (“As long as he wasn’t pouring $20s in their pockets! Cheap girls don’t deserve good money!”) She received a cheer when she admitted that she had no qualms about accompanying him to the “altogether” beaches in France (“Because those young Frenchies had the goods!”), but got some boos for telling them that she did not indulge (“Because only the first time is free, and it gets too easy to do if you get away with it once. Always remember that.”) The one young woman who took her advice has been married for a decade, no complaints or overt claims of impropriety. The other four…


  14. Keanu March 16, 2013 at 05:25 #

    yea…I’m sure signing a sex contract will instantly make both parties horny…not a chance. Oh well, for as long as ‘experts’ such as Tracy Cox (sidenote: makes a good porn name) spout out drivel such as that ‘advice,’ MMSL and other game dudes will have a pretty sizeable market!


  15. princesspixiepointless March 16, 2013 at 09:49 #

    too true, an excellent porn name!


  16. Mike Hunter March 18, 2013 at 11:59 #

    That sounds about right. Although I prefer to be honest, and up front about my requirement for non-monogamy. I’d rather take the moral high ground.

    Also if my significant other wants a little something on the side that’s fine. If she has needs as well she should be able to fulfill those needs. As long as it’s ALWAYS safe sex, and her guy on the side doesn’t become any more then that.


  17. Mike Hunter March 18, 2013 at 12:02 #

    I was about to say. If you take that seriously then large swaths of the married female population are abusers. lmao! You know what they say: “If the candy store you usually go to is closed; then just go to a different candy store!”


  18. Tazzie November 9, 2014 at 06:19 #

    I SALUTE you, JB! You. Are. AWESOME. Keep up the great blog, I adore you! (I am an avid reader of your blog, by the way).



  1. Housework, Independence, and Entitlement | Free Northerner - March 15, 2013

    […] Bitch had some fun with this and CR points out the biological origins of the issue, but I’m going to weigh in as […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: