Updates on Dr.K and LostBoy

15 Mar

For those of you following the stories, here is what is happening with Dr.K and LostBoy:

http://judgybitch.com/2013/01/28/this-is-what-domestic-violence-looks-like/

divorce

So Beauty has a lawyer and continues to “threaten” to begin divorce proceedings.  Dr.K remains silent on the topic, but he antagonizes Beauty with small transgressions of her “rules”, to keep her anger simmering, always walking that fine line between irritating her but avoiding outright emotional and physical abuse.

In a conversation with Mr.JB, he said that he was finally coming to grips with the truth that he is married to an angry, violent, mentally ill woman, and that he is, in fact, being abused.  It’s a source of deep shame, and he is reluctant to parade all the gory details in front of the court, because he doesn’t want the stigma.

He may not have to.  Dr.K has convinced Beauty to buy another house in their affluent neighborhood, which is close to the hospital where they both work.  Many doctors fly in to provide specialized services or to cover rounds so that the regular medical staff get some time off, and Dr.K has told Beauty that they will rent out the house to these locum physicians.  She thinks it’s a great idea.

house

So they are picking out a second house, and over time, they will furnish the house and get it ready for use by doctors, who generally stay in hotels. Of course, Dr.K has no intention of renting the house out.  It will become his residence once the divorce has been initiated.  Living in the same neighborhood will result in minimal disruption to his children’s lives, which will form a key part of the custody arrangement.

In the jurisdiction where Dr.K lives, when divorce proceedings are filed, custody is generally given to the mother and a date to determine a permanent arrangement is set in the future.  That date can be delayed for all sorts of reasons, and it is not uncommon for a year to pass before fathers get even partial custody of their children.

Unless…..

Dr.K can show that he has made arrangements that would result in little disruption to the children’s lives.

father

The courts also require that both parents take classes to help them understand the impact of their decision on their children, and to teach them how to negotiate with one another fairly and without adding more trauma to their children’s lives.

Dr.K is taking those classes secretly.  Beauty thinks he is at the gym. By the time the divorce is filed, he will have a furnished house and he will have completed his court mandated classes, and his lawyer believes those two things give him an excellent chance of being awarded 50% custody until a more permanent arrangement can be settled on, which is also likely to go in his favor.  If the 50% arrangement works for the interim, it will likely be made permanent.

This strategy has a drawback, though.  It will cause Beauty to lose her fucking mind.

screaming

That could be a good thing, because she will show her true colors in front of the court. But it could also be a very bad thing, if she truly goes off the deep end and decides to kill either Dr.K or the children.

It’s a risk, but Dr.K is going to take it. With any luck, Beauty will prove her madness to the court and Dr.K will get full custody, although that is a very long shot.  You have to be a spectacularly shitty mother before the courts award custody to fathers.  It’s a profound unfairness, but also the reality. Mothers, no matter how insane, are almost always presumed to be the most important parent.

So the next six weeks will be all about buying a new house and getting it furnished, and finishing the last of the classes.  As soon as those things are done, he will file for the divorce.

surprise

Surprise, Beauty!

Now for LostBoy.

 

http://judgybitch.com/2013/02/26/the-lost-boy-or-the-art-of-being-a-grow-up/

 

lost

He’s gone.  He just disappeared.  That must be one of the saddest things about being a foster child – how abruptly your life can change. I don’t know whether he didn’t have a chance to come and tell us he was leaving, or if he didn’t want to, but either way, it’s terribly sad.

I also discovered that I have been pronouncing his name incorrectly. His name was something like Josiah, which I pronounced Jo-ZI-ah.  In actual fact, it’s pronounced Jo-ZAY-uh.

The poor little duck never corrected me once, and never once heard his name spoken correctly in our home.  That makes me feel weepy.

I, too, have a name that has a very common pronunciation, and then an ethnic pronunciation that is less frequently heard but instantly recognizable.  It’s not some weird made up pronunciation.  Something like Anna, which is usually pronounced Ah-na, but in Eastern Europe, more commonly pronounced UH-nuh.

handshake

I don’t get too fussed about how people say my name, and I will often introduce myself with the more common pronunciation because it’s just easier to remember.  Anyone who spends any time with me quickly gets the correct pronunciation, and I figure casual conversations are not invitations for a linguistics lecture.  It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine when people get all pissy because you don’t automatically know how to pronounce their names.  I’m sorry I didn’t know Marcia was pronounced Mar-SEE-ah and not MAR-sha.  Get over yourself.

But in the case of LostBoy, I’m very sorry I never heard the right way to say his name, and that he never corrected me.  The next time I see him (and I will, eventually), I will say his name properly, and I will apologize for not bothering to ask him before what he likes to be called.

Well, today wasn’t very bitchy, was it? I’ll speed it up to turbo tomorrow. Until then…

Lots of love,

JB

19 Responses to “Updates on Dr.K and LostBoy”

  1. Bob Wallace March 15, 2013 at 15:39 #

    The men I know who were/are abused by women didn’t know they were being abused. One guy told me he ended up drinking a bottle of wine every day. And the women didn’t know they were abusive. It is a source of great embarrassment to a man to admit a woman is abusing him. I don’t mean physical abuse – any man knows what that is. There are many other kinds of abuse besides physical.

    Like

  2. driversuz March 15, 2013 at 16:27 #

    I hope Dr. K is installing hidden cameras with motion sensors, or at least carrying a small recording device to document Beauty’s behavior. He may need it to save his children’s lives.
    I’m pretty impressed that he’s figuring out the depth of the mess he’s in, and I’m really impressed that he has the presence of mind to take action. Many men would be overwhelmed and would retreat into denial. He is his kids’ only hope.

    Like

  3. Dean Esmay March 15, 2013 at 17:42 #

    Incredibly smart and savvy move by the doctor. Smart, smart, smart man, and fortunate to have the resources to do this–living in a good home in the same neighborhood increases his odds of success by orders of magnitude.

    I underscore Suz’s advice that he get some kind of recording device though, especially to have it handy when the explosion occurs.

    So sorry to hear about Lost Boy. Hope he comes back. 😦

    Like

  4. judgybitch March 15, 2013 at 18:30 #

    He may be a little more open to that advice now. He’s had a hard time facing the fact that he has been abused. I think in public, he would deny it, but he will talk about it with Mr.JB. They have been really good friends for a long time.

    Like

  5. Liz March 15, 2013 at 18:55 #

    Glad the good Dr smartened up.
    Hope Beauty doesn’t discover your site and figure things out? I’m a paranoid person.

    Sorry to hear the Lost Boy disappeared. 😦 Hope he is okay.

    Like

  6. judgybitch March 15, 2013 at 19:02 #

    Not much chance of that. She’s far too cultured to read “blogs”. Especially ones written in English.

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  7. Kai March 15, 2013 at 20:18 #

    That’s a horrible situation. I’d grant he likely screwed up in the first place to end up there, but good for Dr. K for being really smart in his plan to get out of it.

    I used to teach swimming. I had a kid in a lesson for a week, where somehow I got his name wrong on the first day, and called him by the wrong name the whole time. On the last he, he quietly mentions at one point ‘I’m not Josh’.. leaving me baffled as to why he’d answered to it for a week. But the poor kid!

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  8. sqt March 15, 2013 at 22:04 #

    I wonder if being attracted to beautiful, but crazy, women is the male equivalent of the bad-boy syndrome that women suffer from?

    My husband has a co-worker who married a gorgeous, exciting woman. But over time what had looked like spontaneity when they met turned into scary unpredictability. Worse she passed on her mental illness to one of their children who had to institutionalized for schizophrenia. He stays with her because he’s a great guy and she’s not abusive or mean. She’s just not well and generally too embarrassing to take out in public.

    Hopefully this will end well for Dr. K.

    Like

  9. Marlo Rocci March 16, 2013 at 03:13 #

    I must be a harden cynic, because I’m absolutely convinced the judges would rather allow Beauty to kill her children than to give up on the myth that women are always the superior parent.

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  10. combs2jc March 16, 2013 at 15:40 #

    Good luck to Dr K, I hope everything works out for him. Ih Ohio there is one time when the father always gets custody of the children, when the mother does not want them. Of course in those cases the father gets awarded child support. I say that because if the mother decides she doesn’t want to pay then the court tells dad “We can’t find her. Then they drop it. If its the dad who is supposed to pay child support then they court garnishes his paycheck for the support while adding a 2% fee to the award to pay for processing. Ah the joys of living in a progressive state like Ohio.

    Like

  11. angelowal March 16, 2013 at 22:17 #

    Your story about Lost Boy is heartachingly sad. One has to wonder what he’ll become, having lived his formative years feeling unwanted and uncherished; and why do these children get shunted around from foster home to foster home? No wonder we have so many sociopaths in our midst.

    I hope Dr. K and his children stay safe, and it must be a relief for him to have Mr. JB to listen and to share his burden. It’s not that common that men confide in one another, so kudos to Mr. JB – he must be one hell of a man! I just hope that Mrs. K doesn’t get any inkling of what he’s planning – she sounds pretty shrewd and shouldn’t be underestimated.

    BTW, my name’s never been pronounced correctly since I came to Canada (other than when I visit the UK, and by my family). I’ve never bothered to correct anyone – it really doesn’t matter much to me. I’m a “choose your battles” kind of person 🙂

    Like

  12. Mike Hunter March 18, 2013 at 10:33 #

    If someone one is: mentally ill, has substance abuse problems, or thinks the world owes them something run the other way! I know that should be common sense, but too many people are naive when it comes to love and dating.

    People can hide their personality flaws for a little while. But over the long run [I’ve found about a year or so] they’ll show their true colors. Of course the problem is that if they have the baby rabies they can just “accidentally” get pregnant. If you knock them up it doesn’t matter how outrageous the behavior of the mother was regarding that event. You’ll still be screwed.

    Did she stop taking her pill without telling you? Fuck you. Shut up and pay your child support.

    Did she poke holes in her condom? Fuck you. Shut up and pay your child support.

    Did she retrieve your semen from a used condom in the garbage and squirt it into her pussy without your knowledge or consent? Fuck you. Shut up and pay your child support.

    Did she rape you when you were still a child and then become pregnant? Fuck you. Shut up and pay your child support.

    It’s a hopelessly broken system that obviously needs to be fixed.

    Like

  13. Mike Hunter March 18, 2013 at 11:01 #

    Thank god the good doctor smartened up and got a lawyer!!! It was like reading about a train wreck in slow motion.

    In a conversation with Mr.JB, he said that he was finally coming to grips with the truth that he is married to an angry, violent, mentally ill woman, and that he is, in fact, being abused. It’s a source of deep shame, and he is reluctant to parade all the gory details in front of the court, because he doesn’t want the stigma.

    This guy needs to swallow his pride and do what’s best for his children. Its not like everyone will be attending the court proceedings and waiting with baited breath to see what both parties say. No one cares. I don’t know what the rule are where the good doctor lives, but in my location proceedings regarding divorce and child custody are closed to the public anyway.

    So they are picking out a second house, and over time, they will furnish the house and get it ready for use by doctors, who generally stay in hotels. Of course, Dr.K has no intention of renting the house out. It will become his residence once the divorce has been initiated. Living in the same neighborhood will result in minimal disruption to his children’s lives, which will form a key part of the custody arrangement.

    Come on. His wife can’t be that stupid. She must know what’s going on. In my state whoever is living in the primary residence having the primary residence gives you an advantage in divorce proceedings. That’s usually the woman since she’ll demand that the man leaves. If he doesn’t hit him with false charges of domestic violence, and then be granted a temporary restraining order that forbids him from coming anywhere near his: her, his house, or his children.

    That’s nearly what happened to me. My ex threaten to hit me with false domestic violence charges if I didn’t leave our residence that I was paying for. I already knew what the inevitable outcome would be. Having to deal with a temporary restraining order, and fight false domestic violence charges would be harder then just leaving. So I left.

    Of course I defer to the experience and expertise of Dr. K’s lawyer. It’s pretty sad that a well heeled man, who can afford the best lawyer money can buy, can be married to an insane and abusive woman; but the best he can hope for is joint custody.

    In the jurisdiction where Dr.K lives, when divorce proceedings are filed, custody is generally given to the mother and a date to determine a permanent arrangement is set in the future. That date can be delayed for all sorts of reasons, and it is not uncommon for a year to pass before fathers get even partial custody of their children.

    Yep a year sounds just about right. The problem is that judges often say: ‘Well it’s already been a year. The children the a stable home and custody arrangement, and I don’t want to disrupt that.’ Then they give full custody to the woman.

    Of course this line of reasoning ignores:

    A.) That the reason it’s been an entire year is because it took a year for the court to hear the case. Who’s fault is that?

    B.) Women disrupt the living arrangements of their children all of the time. It’s called cohabitation and re-marriage! That can be detrimental to the ‘best interest of the child’. Especially when you consider that statistically the person most likely to abuse a child is his mother; the person second most likely to abuse a child is her paramour. But you don’t see family courts willing to step in and stop that change in living circumstances. Ever.

    Like

  14. Mike Hunter March 18, 2013 at 11:14 #

    The problem is that because of old wiretapping laws in many states its illegal to record people with devices that capture audio. The lawyer I consulted said if you did that in Florida, with some creative lawyering; you could be charged with a 3rd degree felony.

    Even if you where to use a device in which the audio is disabled; it’s considered a “taboo” thing to do by local family court judges. To them it will make you look like a “creep“.

    This is of course bullshit. The laws and culture need to be changed, because the truth matters. If either party is being abusive towards their ex or towards their children then that should be documented so that the judge can make a more informed decision. It’s true what they say: “In war the first causality is the truth”.

    Like

  15. Mike Hunter March 18, 2013 at 11:16 #

    whoops. I messed up with my html tags. Oh well. Btw JB have you ever considered changing your comment system over to disqus? I’m not trying to tell you how to run your site. Just a friendly suggestion. 🙂 Thanks for all of the great work you do.

    Like

  16. princesspixiepointless March 18, 2013 at 11:33 #

    What’s disqus?

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  17. Mike Hunter March 18, 2013 at 20:24 #

    It’s a comment system. A lot of websites use it for their comment sections now. It’s free as far as I understand.

    disqus.com

    Like

  18. princesspixiepointless March 18, 2013 at 21:39 #

    thanks Mike, I will look into it.

    Like

  19. sqt March 19, 2013 at 06:11 #

    I couldn’t agree with you more. I’ve dealt with siblings with mental illness and drug addiction and I stay way, far away.

    It’s utter hell trying to deal with someone who is so all-consumingly narcissistic as an addict- and mental illness has all kinds of special booby traps. I refuse to allow any of it near my family because I don’t want my kids to grow up the way I did. My family doesn’t speak to me much- and that’s a blessing.

    But if I had to deal with a serious mental issue in my own family, I’m not sure what I’d do. It’s not like anyone had figured out a good plan to address any of this.

    Like

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