Ladies, you all know by now that I am one judgy bitch, but I’ll bet you didn’t know just how fast I can slap you into a box.
You have 20 seconds to impress me, and then your time is up.
Here are the main things I will be evaluating about you:
How fat are you?
Fat is good.
How much make-up are you wearing?
Four dollar hooker is good.
Do you have any sense of fashion at all?
Slovenly is good.
What is up with your hair?
Rat’s nest is good.
Do you have a nice smile?
Crooked teeth, grimace and halitosis is good.
Is your skin clear?
Age spots, wrinkles and pimples are good
How tall are you?
Freakishly tall or small, either is good.
Touched up your highlights recently?
Four inches of grey regrowth is very good.
How’s that fake tan?
Orange with the texture of a leather handbag is good.
How’s that eyeshadow?
Pink glitter liner and purple eyeshadow is great!
What’s on your feet?
Tattered, smelly gym shoes are good. Or useless, precarious stilettos.
How big are your boobs?
Bazongas or pancakes, either will do.
Do you have a tattoo?
Tramp stamp is excellent.
How short is your skirt?
Visible underwear is good.
How straight are your teeth?
Bucktoothed overbite is good.
Are your teeth white?
Coffee, tobacco and wine stained preferred.
Is your jewelry tasteful?
Rhinestones are perfect. Plastic pearls are good.
How’s your manicure?
She-devil talons or chewed to the bloody nubs, either is good.
How’s your personality?
Ha ha! Just kidding. Who gives a fuck about your personality?
WHY am I checking other women out in such exquisite detail?
Well, duh. I’m trying to assess the level of competitive threat. I’ve already contributed to the gene pool by having three children, and I’m not interested in having any more, but you might be. That could dilute the resources coming my way, and I’m obviously going to guard against that.
It’s rather selfish of me, in the long, long term, as refusing to share my husband’s DNA freely is probably impeding our development as a species, but too fucking bad. The Scientific American reports that a past willingness to breed fairly freely, even with other humanlike species, is probably what gave homo sapiens the upper edge against those other species and allowed us to become the triumphant victors in the DNA wars.
That’s all good and well, and I’m glad our ancestors were getting down with as many and as varied a number of people as possible, but the wars are over, we have won and I’m not feeling very generous when it comes to sharing my husband’s DNA.
It therefore makes me rather relieved to know that in England, where Peter Lloyd lives, the hourglass figure is becoming a thing of the past. Ladies have packed SEVEN extra inches around their waists since 1951, and a full 38% of them are overweight.
Not coincidentally, 35% of British women would rather be thin than earn more money. A further 8% would actually give UP £1000 to be thin.
Hmmm. That’s curious. I wonder why? If women’s value is primarily in how much money they earn, why should they care more about being thin?
Ha ha, don’t be silly. It’s because of the patriarchy, twisting women’s fragile little minds into believing that the entire point of their existence is to reproduce, and that the best reproductive strategy is to attract the very best DNA you can to ensure healthy, happy offspring.
And clearly, that’s not true. That’s obviously just a big lie based on millions of years of evolution concocted by some horrible men in lab coats who hate women.
Men’s preference for a slender woman with a small waist, and pronounced hips and breasts is simply a way of oppressing women, and the cult of thinness is a way to get women to focus on their bodies rather than their minds, which keeps them out of the upper echelons of society.
“Our culture pressures women to tend to their bodies. But if you don’t tend to your mind, how can you ascend into other levels of society?”
Because everybody knows thin women are also stupid, right?
The hourglass figure is strongly correlated with women’s fertility, and no amount of screaming that fat is beautiful is going to change that, or men’s preferences.
No matter what you actually do all day, or what your personal preferences towards reproduction happen to be, your brain and your body and your DNA just want to get the mini-me factory rolling, and that means you are constantly, and often unconsciously, evaluating the fitness and fertility status of the people around you, even if you have ZERO intention of smashing up your DNA into a little bundle of snuggly joy.
The minute an egg makes the leap from ovary to fallopian tube and heads for a sperm party in the uterus, a woman’s brain will prefer the smell of men oozing with testosterone, men who have features associated with masculinity such as a deep voice and a strong jawline.
It’s not a CONSCIOUS partiality, it’s a relic from our past that still has an impact on our instinctive preferences today.
Men have a similar instinctive preference: they like a high hip to waist ratio, because it DOES in fact, signal fertility.
It is now verboten to say that, because it makes the chubby ladies feel bad. Captain Capitalism has a few thoughts on this new prohibition against men openly declaring their preferences for women’s bodies, and I’ll just leave it right here for you.
Let’s get back to Peter Lloyd. What the hell does any of this have to do with Peter Lloyd?
Well, the fact is that ladies police each other in this competition to capture the best DNA, whether they understand it as that, or not. Indeed, it seems that even smart ladies with PhD’s can’t quite grasp what policing and evaluating other women’s appearances is all about. There’s no question that we DO, it’s just a matter of the WHY.
What’s going on in the minds of women? Have we become so vigilant about how we look in general — and our aging appearance specifically — that we’ve lost sight of the fact that we’re all in this together? Do we question and critique others because of our own fears and ambivalence about how we will deal as our looks change? Remember, by comparing, competing and then devaluing others in order to boost our own shaky sense of self, we join forces with the very culture that has created the need to do just that!
Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? We’re not all in this together.
And we keep an eye on each other. 20 seconds. That’s how long it will take me to assess your threat as a competitor. I will observe all your features, particularly those that signal health and fertility and measure them against my own and settle on a judgement.
And it’s not just me. I’ve posted this study before, but I’ll put it up against, because it’s just so telling.
Results showed that almost all women were aggressive toward the attractive female whose only indiscretion was to dress in a sexually provocative manner. The women in this situation were more likely to roll their eyes at their peer, stare her up and down and show anger while she was in the room. When she left the room, many of them laughed at her, ridiculed her appearance, and/or suggested that she was sexually available. By contrast, when the same attractive peer was dressed conservatively, the group of women assigned to this second scenario barely noticed her, and none of them discussed her when she left the room.
Vaillancourt, T.& Sharma, A. (2011). Intolerance of sexy peers: Intrasexual competition among women. Aggressive Behavior, 37, 569-577. doi: 10.1002/ab.20413
Personally, I have no problem with other women taking me apart visually. Go for it. Three kids and I still have a 26 inch waist, topped with some pretty awesome C-Cups. I weigh the exact same as I did when I met my husband. I don’t mind other women scanning me and rolling their eyes or snarking quietly.
Because I’m still competitive. Check out my ass all you want, ladies. I’ll bet it’s better than yours.
Plenty of women who don’t quite measure up aren’t so confident. They don’t like how they look when they’re working out. They hate being stared at and objectified. They feel intimidated by eyes that are assessing, measuring, calculating, evaluating and ultimately judging them.
At the same time, gyms can be incredibly patriarchal places where women often feel intimidated, harassed, out of place, and unwelcome. Also, the ads for gyms and the primary motivation for many women going to one is focused on (often unattainable) patriarchal standards of beauty.
What they seem to have forgotten is that it’s OTHER WOMEN who are doing the looking. It’s OTHER WOMEN who will behave aggressively if you’re a bit too sexy. It’s OTHER WOMEN who will notice that you actually look like shit.
Ladies who don’t like being objectified and stared at should probably stick to working out with lots of men present. I’ll go to the women’s only workouts.
And you can bet your ass I’m going to judge you.
Lots of love,