Fat, ugly, white bitches will decide what is funny and the rest of y’all can fuck off

Trigger warning:  multiple images of Lindy West

I apologize in advance for the bulkiness of this post today but Lindy’s rambles are as big and lumpy as her ass.

HEY! THAT’S NOT FUNNY YOU FAT-PHOBIC ASSHOLE!

As we go through this post, I will provide you with some guidance as to what is and is not funny.

When you see this, it’s funny.  Lindy West.  God she’s so hot, no?

When you see this, it’s not.  Ok, maybe not all that hot after all.

Try to keep them straight, ok?  As always, Lindy in italics.  I will be editing some of this, because it’s just so much lard.  Gotta trim away the fat to get to the meat, if you know what I mean.

Oops.  Off to a bad start, already.

An Open Letter to White Male Comedians

Hey, wait a second!  Why do all the Hispanic and Asian and Black and Indian comedians who are sexist assholes get a pass?

‘Get yo’ ass in the fucking kitchen’

http://collectiveshout.org/2013/04/protests-against-tracy-morgans-misogynist-comedy-show/

Hmm. Maybe Lindy actually believes the joke about black men liking big fat white bitches?  Chris Rock has some thoughts on that little slice of fat white bitch fantasy. Lindy should probably stick to slices of cake.  She appears familiar with them.

Hey guys*: Listen, I know you’re mad at me. I mean, maybe not me specifically, but a figurative “me”—the type of woman who thinks she’s funny, who thinks she understands comedy, who has opinions (and shares them) about what kinds of jokes comics “should” or “should not” tell.

So your understanding of comedy begins with the idea that you have the right to determine what kind of jokes should and should not be told.

Excellent grasp of the form, Lindy.  Your understanding of comedy is just fucking outstanding!

“Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.”  George Carlin

“The truth is funny. Honest discovery, observation, and reaction is better than contrived invention.” Del Close

“Comedy rules! Don`t let anybody tell you otherwise, and there are no rules in stand-up comedy, which I really like. You can do anything you want and you can say anything that comes to mind, just so long as it`s funny. If you ain`t funny then get the fuck off the stage, it`s that simple.” Richard Pryor

You know how you know if something is funny?

People laugh.  YOU may not, but that’s you.  And honestly, fuck you. I will laugh at whatever I damn well please.

I speak up for women, which sometimes involves criticizing men. I don’t believe that “rape jokes” should be a completely unregulated market. And I understand that, to you, criticizing a comedian’s execution on certain subject matters can seem indistinguishable from censorship and conservatism. So I know you’re mad at me and I know why.

Hey, you know what?  Criticize all you want.  Who gives a shit what you think anyways?

The real concern here is what do you want to DO about all those jokes you don’t like.

  Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?

 

    A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

But comedy has a serious gender problem, and I really can’t stop complaining about it until it’s fucking fixed. Comedy clubs are an overtly hostile space for women. Even just presuming we can talk about comedy gets women ripped to shreds by territorial dudes desperate to defend their authority over what’s funny. “Jokes” about rape and gendered violence are treated like an inevitability instead of a choice; like they’re beyond questioning; like they’re somehow equally sacred alongside women’s actual humanity and physical sanctity. When women complain, however civilly, they’re met with condescension, dismissal, and the tacit (or, often, explicit) message that this is not yours, you are not welcome here. It’s fucked up, you guys. And I’m saying that as a friend with the best intentions.

It’s fucked up, is it? You can’t stop complaining about it until it’s fixed?  And what will that “fix” look like?

And I want to try and convey to you, broadly, how you are hurting women and hurting your own art form, and how easy it would be to stop. Because right now you’re coming across like a bunch of entitled babies terrified of a few girls in your clubhouse—demanding that women be thick-skinned about their own rapes while you’re too thin-skinned to handle even mild criticism. It’s embarrassing.

It would be so easy to stop telling the jokes Lindy doesn’t like, so just do it, you entitled babies.  Lindy want those jokes gone, dammit!

And how is this not censorship, Lindy?  You want to silence all the people who tell jokes you don’t find funny.

But you’re not censoring anyone.

Do you know what censorship means, retard?

Q:  Why do Black Widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A:  Because they know that men are only good for one thing.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

Well, I thought it was funny.

Listen. Being a woman is a bitch. Not only does everyone treat you like a fucking idiot all of the time, being a woman can be scary! Not scary in a big, obvious, goofy way—it’s less like a horrible slavering dog running toward your face (except for when it is like that) and more like when you can’t find that huge spider you saw on your bed earlier (if spiders also had the capacity to transform into slavering face-hungry dogs). We’re not walking around actively terrified in the middle of the afternoon, but there’s always a small awareness that we are vulnerable simply because we are women. Cavalier jokes about domestic violence and rape (jokes that target victims, not perpetrators) feed that aura of feeling unsafe and unwelcome—not just in the comedy club, but in the world.

Honey, people treat YOU like an idiot all the time, probably because you are.  And your constant fear of being raped is perhaps the result of reading way too many rapey romance novels combined with the complete and utter lack of actual appeal you have for most men.

Rape is probably the only sex you’re gonna get on an average day, amirite?

Women are 50% of the population, but when it comes to our interests and grievances we’re treated like a niche group. Think about how crazy that is. You don’t know what it feels like to be a part of the group that has never gotten to be the president. You don’t know what it feels like to get up to do your set and hear, “Here’s your obligatory girl comic for the night.” You might not relate to any of that, but you can perceive why it’s bad, right? How it puts damaging limits on women’s lives?

Oh for fuck’s sake.  Know why there aren’t a whole lot of women in politics, never mind a President?

Most of them DON’T WANT TO BE THERE.  They don’t run for office.  It’s just so darn difficult to get elected when you’re not even in the race.  Which part of that do you NOT understand?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/01/political-ambition-gap-study-girls-just-wanna-not-run_n_2994861.html

Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife

That’s hard to live with, but it’s especially hard—as a comedy fan and a woman who writes jokes for a living—to watch that paradigm being perpetuated by people I look up to as bastions of sanity on pretty much every other social issue. It sucks to hear your heroes telling you to sit down and know your place. Molly Knefel has an impeccable piece in Salon today about the disparity between male comics’ reactions to rape and their reactions to other types of violence:

As eloquent as Oswalt’s message about Boston was, it is not particularly challenging to side with the victims of a horrible act of violence committed against civilians. Americans are united in their desire to condemn such atrocities. Many comedians, including Oswalt, also condemned the Aurora theater shooting and made an explicit point not to joke about it. None of this is to compare these different types of violence, but to offer an observation on the types of violence that are universally condemned as opposed to culturally sanctioned.

 

Knefel, of course, is currently being lambasted by aggrieved male comedians. So aggrieved, you guys! Always so aggrieved! But why? What did she really say that’s so outrageous? That the oft-silenced victims of sexual assault and domestic violence (which includes men and boys, by the way) deserve as much respect and care as the victims of gun violence? If basic compassion is such anathema to you, but only when it comes to “women’s issues”—if you’re determined to go down with the Good Ship Rape—then you have issues with women. And that’s not women’s fault—it’s yours.

Comedians don’t make jokes about terrorism or mass murder or make the victims the butt of the jokes?

Are you kidding?

“It’s a bird!”

“It’s a plane!”

“It’s…. Oh shit, it IS a plane!”

http://slay.me/category/funny-jokes/terrorist-jokes

There’s more here.  Lot’s more. Do I think they’re all hysterically funny?  Nope.  Not a chance.  But I don’t think the jokesters need to STFU, either. I figure whatever I don’t personally find funny, I can get over.

If you just don’t care, that’s fine—that’s your choice—but understand this: I know you think you’re being transgressive and edgy and bad-in-the-cool-way when you are careless with the trauma of strangers, but you’re not. You are being conservative. You are a conservative comedian. You are moving your art form backwards, you are a bully (a bully who has likely experienced bullying himself, which is the worst kind), and you are propping up the status quo in the most boring way possible. If that’s what you want, at least have the grace to own it.

So moving an art form in a direction you consider backwards is bullying, but censorship is not?

Gotcha!

Also, conservative is not a synonym for backwards, you idiot.  Here are some synonyms for conservative: traditional, cautious, moderate, conventional, sober, stable, steady.  Yes, I understand you want to push your agenda ahead as far and as fast as you can and these voices that speak to some uncomfortable truths you don’t like piss you off, but honey, I don’t give a shit.

Now. You can talk about controversial subjects—in fact, you should talk about controversial subjects, because comedy is an incredibly powerful subversive tool—but if you want people like me to stop bitching at you (a dream we share, I promise!), you need to stop using your comedy to make those things worse. You don’t have to make things better—you are under no obligation to save the world—but if you are actively making things worse for people, especially when you are not a member of the group whose existence you are worsening, don’t be surprised when people complain.

Who said anything about wanting you to stop bitching (finally, a word you know how to use!)?  Who gives a righteous fuck what you think?  You are free to bitch and moan and makes jokes at the expense of men all you like.  Giver ‘er….

I think you’re a cunt.  So what?  You laugh at what you like, and I’ll laugh at shit I think is funny.

If you’re an able-bodied straight white male, you are by definition a member of the least number of systemically oppressed groups. It takes an entire blog post for me to make you feel diminished and misunderstood (my bad)—but you could do that to me or a gay person or a trans person or a person of color or a disabled person with just a word. Because you get to live your life on the firm ground of being a human being first and a man/white person/comedian second. I don’t get to do that. I’m not a person, I’m a woman, which is something I’m reminded of incessantly any time I enter a male-dominated space like a comedy club.

The least number of systematically oppressed groups…. what does that even mean?

Well, we’re gonna have to give chickie some honesty cookies here (try not to eat them all in one go).

The point of Lindy’s  blog post is to make white male comedians feel diminished and misunderstood.  And then she goes on to straight up admit that she thinks men are humans and women are not. And note that it’s not men who are saying this, she is.  “I’m not a person”.  I’m a fragile little (ahem) whisper who can be reduced to a sniveling mass of goo with ONE SINGLE WORD.

Wait! If she’s not a person, can we still abort her?  That would be kind of awesome.

I wonder what the word is?  The one word that can reduce Lindy to a diminished and misunderstood victim crushed by the cruel, cruel world?

Okay, so you can be “diminished” by one word, and obviously you are speaking in a figurative sense.  Physically, it will take some diet and exercise to diminish you.  And obviously, fuck that.  You have a thyroid problem.  It has it’s own fork, apparently.

And the solution for your feelings of “diminishment” is for the entire world of comedy to change to accommodate your precious feelings?

Your grasp of reality is really quite breathtaking.  Yes.  This is exactly how the world works.  Butthurt feminist fat chicks should get to decide what is funny.  Because feminism is such a riot.

Okay, I had to cut a crap ton of the rest.  You can click through if you really want to know all her arguments for why men should just shut the fuck up about shit they think is funny.

http://jezebel.com/an-open-letter-to-white-male-comedians-497503334

Suffice to say men need to shut the hell up, and then in the next breath…..

Please. You are not being silenced. There is no “thought police.” Your freedom of speech is firmly intact. You are a member of the single most powerful political bloc on earth. Your voices and your perspectives saturate nearly all media. You are fine. We are just having a conversation about your art, and your art is what you care about the most, right? Right?

And the conversation involves men shutting the hell up.  Remember that she has opinions on what jokes should and shouldn’t be told. And she won’t stop bitching until the situation is fixed and the jokes she thinks shouldn’t be told are gone.

But there’s no silencing involved in that.

Nope.

None.

I know I just wrote 8 trillion fucking words  (2940, but math is hard, Barbie) about it, but really, this whole mess is simple. You get to choose what kind of a person you want to be. Do you want to cause pain or release tension? Do you want to be careful or careless? Do you want to confront hard things or take easy outs? Do you want to connect with other human beings about the shared horrors of the world or do you want to feed into a culture that perpetuates those horrors? You can do whatever you want, but you can’t stop me and everyone else who hears you from telling you when you’re full of shit. Comedy isn’t yours. It’s ours.

You get to choose what kind of a person comedian you want to be.

There.  Fixed that for you.

Do you want to cause pain or release tension?

Laughter can do both those things at once.

Do you want to be careful or careless?

Oh comedy is always careful.

Dying is easy.  Comedy is hard.

Do you want to confront hard things or take easy outs?

If you want to be a great comedian, there are no easy outs.  You must speak, even when no one wants to hear your words.  And you damn well better be funny.

Do you want to connect with other human beings about the shared horrors of the world or do you want to feed into a culture that perpetuates those horrors?

One of the ways we connect is through laughter.  Silence is probably one of the best ways to perpetuate horror.

Some people might think this is funny:

Others will laugh at this:

It will largely depend on the audience.  Now, the reason you may find it so difficult to navigate the world of comedy Lindy, is because, oh, oops.  You don’t have an audience.  Most people think you suck.  The solution is not to gag everyone you disagree with.

Try being funny.

I hear it’s a key part of the whole comedy gig.

Lots of love,

JB