Four years, and she couldn’t break him. It wasn’t for lack of trying.

3 Jun

Here’s a story about a big, mean asshole who acted very badly towards an innocent, blushing maiden. The blameless little dove recounts her terrible relationship.  Let’s have a look, shall we?

http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/life/article3779930.ece

Emily Stone is a pseudonym.

I met my ex-boyfriend at sixth-form college. We sat opposite each other in history class, and we shared cans of Vimto during lectures on the Russian Revolution. One time, he was hauled out of class for surreptitiously eating olives from a Tupperware case — yes, the most middle class of all acts of rebellion.

rebel

Here we go.  Chicks dig assholes.  It doesn’t matter what the rules are, he broke them, and oh my!  Emily was all over that.

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/08/16/chicks-dig-jerks-more-scientific-evidence/

Our teacher was livid. I was hooked.

I’ll bet.

Just before we started going out, he went on a solo trip around South-East Asia. I assumed, from his previous stories, that he would spend his days in the various embraces of women far more exotic and adventurous than I, on a beach at a full moon party in Thailand, in-between soaking up the sun and admiring some of the wonders of the world. Instead, he sent me long e-mails every day about how much he missed our conversations. When he came back, we made our relationship “Facebook official”, and the following year we would travel around Asia together.

His previous stories about what?  Nailing women he planned on leaving the next morning?  Wham, bam thank you ma’am?

knightPrincess

Until he met the “right woman”, of course.  The woman who will save him.  Princess Emily with her soothing balms of salvation.  It’s such an intoxicating story:  angry, rough, injured man can only live when he is under the spell of a kind woman’s caress.  It’s a magical story with a relentless villain and a heroic saviour, and it goes on and on and on and on forever.

The villain can’t be healed, of course.  What would the Princess do with herself?

chainsaw

Women like Princess Emily operate on one principle:  men are things that can be changed.  Moulded, sculpted, chiselled, fashioned, arranged, manipulated into the form the woman desires.

Let’s see how that works out for her.

It sounds idyllic, right? Or at the very least, exactly what you want in your teenage years. Throughout university, he and I were inseparable. He cooked me fancy dinners in our grotty university halls of residence and we ate them in his tiny single bed, listening to Bob Dylan. We smoked joints out of my window and planned further trips abroad. We met each other’s families, and our parents went for coffees together.

Idyllic. Inseparable. He cooked.  They got stoned.  Their parents met.  How charming.

His whole world revolved around the Princess and her needs.  So far, so good.

Fast forward four years, to our break-up. It’s a crowded London street. It’s 11pm. It’s my birthday. A group of my horrified friends are looking on, as a passer-by holds my boyfriend back from taking another swing at me.

From idyll to carnage in four short years.

Unable to reach me with his hands, he spits repeatedly in my face. The words coming out of his mouth include “slut”, “bitch” and “c***”. The reason for them was that I wouldn’t leave my own birthday party early to have sex with him. All the more shamefully, this scene had been played out before, but in private — and what motivated me to break up with him in response to this was that it had now become a public matter, one that my friends wouldn’t forgive or forget in the way that I had so many times before.

 

humiate

Interesting, no?  It’s the public ridicule that really gets to Emily.  The open declaration that she has failed to tame this Beast.  He was hers to form and she couldn’t do it.  In private, where no one could witness her humiliation, she was content.  But once the violent contours of her relationship became public, all bets were off.

It’s no secret that many women like drama in their relationships, but there is a caveat:  they have to win these mini-conflicts.  And they need to be able to triumph publicly. Very few women can physically force a man to supplicate, but emotionally, we tend to win hands down.

bow

Bow to me, or face the consequences.

http://www.whatispsychology.biz/women-love-attraction-drama

This dramatic final scene makes my ex sound like a monster, but for four years I was very much in love with him. I matched none of the stereotypes about battered women: I was well-educated and financially independent, my boyfriend was funny and self-effacing around others, had no anger issues in company, was a student at a prestigious university and came from a middle-class background. Most of my friends liked him and chose to spend their time with him. I didn’t see myself as a domestic abuse victim because I didn’t fit the patronising, all-pervasive stereotype of the battered woman.

Perhaps you didn’t see yourself as a battered woman because YOU WEREN’T?  And perhaps there was just that little tiny bit of niggling awareness that you were participating fully in a fucked up relationship that required your “monster” to keep his claws sharp so you could play the victim, every day?

Florence-Nightingale

It’s called the Florence Nightingale Syndrome.  Essentially, a caregiver (usually a woman) develops romantic feelings for the vulnerable person (usually a man) for whom she is caring.  Her patient NEEDS her.  His vulnerability defines who she is as a person.  Without a patient, she cannot be a nurse.  Without a sick man, she cannot play the healing woman.

http://www.ehow.com/about_5602058_florence-nightingale-syndrome.html

The first glitch in our relationship was when he wanted us to move in together, straight from halls of residence; when I told him it was too soon, he launched into a tirade about how I was out to ruin his life. It was such a confused and emotional rant that I felt sorry for him, protective even. His father had beaten his mother before leaving when he was a young child. He told me that he was still dealing with the fallout from that; that he was “just trying to be a good man”, and sometimes got it wrong. During his childhood, he told me, his mother had more than once seriously threatened to kill him.

Again, not that unusual to see that wounded men suffered violence at the hands of women during childhood.  His mother threatened to kill him, more than once.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/fatality.pdf#page=5&view=Who Are the Perpetrators?

The monster has become an object of pity.  Emily feels sorry for him.  Protective.  The key word here is “object”.  I’m putting the word in Emily’s mouth, but the idea is right there, on paper.

So when, a few arguments later, he held me against the wall so that I couldn’t move or leave the flat — while whining, “I love you” — I forgave it. When he didn’t want me to go out partying with my friends, I thought it was because he wanted to spend all his time with me. And when he suggested that we have each other’s passwords for social networks, I thought he was just clumsily expressing a desire for mutual trust. Finally, when he first spat at me (because I was wearing too much eyeliner), I told myself it was a one-off.

 

He loved you.  He wanted to spend all his time with you. He wanted to trust you.

Why, Emily?

What is your self-concept here, exactly? You are so unbelievable wonderful, amazing, incredible, irreplaceable that this man can’t bear to be without you?  You are the center of the universe.  His universe.

universe

You are the alpha and the omega, and he can’t live without you.

Our travels in Asia were a lot of fun when we were admiring the sunset at the temples of Angkor Wat in Cambodia and he was holding my hand. But they weren’t so much fun when we were at a bar and a guy we’d met leant over to repeat something in my ear. My ex took that to be evidence of flirting and, as punishment for my crime, promptly picked up my passport, my credit cards, my keys, my money and my hotel card, and threw them into the shallows of the sea. Later, after I’d gone to the hotel room to escape from him, he would empty a bucket of water over my head to wake me up, all the while sobbing: “Why would you make me do this?”

Well, he sounds like a right proper asshole, but his question was actually rather good.

Why would you make him do this? What did you get out of it?

It was the unhinged way in which he conducted the abuse that made me forgive him. The everyday man was sweet, thoughtful, intelligent. He bought me presents “just because”, and he texted me throughout the day to tell me that he loved me. In classic abuser style, he constantly apologised for his actions, and because the violence was infrequent and low-level — hair-pulling, for instance, even when it was so hard it brought tears to my eyes — I always felt as though I would be overreacting to cast it as genuine abuse. Meanwhile, he told me that I was a disgrace if I drank alcohol when I was out with friends, but when we were alone, he encouraged me to get absolutely obliterated. One apocalyptic argument happened because he accused me of “not getting drunk enough when we’re alone together”. To placate him, I drank six pints on an empty stomach the next time he was there.

beer

This is just bizarre.  You’re actually going to blame him for you getting drunk?  You drank six pints on an empty stomach and it’s his fault because…. What?!?!

He texts you constantly.  Brings you presents.  He’s sweet and thoughtful and intelligent and he gives you daily confirmation that you are the most precious gem ever formed in the history of the universe and you love it.

He pulls your hair and makes you feel…..what?  Alive?

What made him turn into the person who flew into violent rages? He had become increasingly alcohol and drug dependent over the years — and would often use inebriation as an excuse — but I was never too convinced by the connection. He was cripplingly insecure, prone to cheating and therefore plagued with paranoia that I would do the same, oddly vulnerable, chronically lacking in positive childhood role models, weak. And, predictably, the excuses that he came up with for his actions centred around how unreasonable or manipulative I was. I “played mind games” that made him do things.

Drunk, stoned, paranoid, insecure, unfaithful, vulnerable….

That’s a lot of things that need fixing, isn’t it?  He is broken and confused but not so much that he can’t see manipulation and mind-games.

I “wasn’t supportive”. I “acted weird”.

Oh, you’re supportive, all right.  The further down the rabbit hole he goes, the more important you become.

I “didn’t understand” him. Meanwhile, in my mind, his actions were badly expressed declarations of passionate love, rather than abuse. He “couldn’t help himself”. He “didn’t know what he was doing”. He was “vulnerable”.

This is the most honest thing Emily writes.  His actions were declarations of passionate love.  Emily’s entire psychology requires that she be a person capable of eliciting passionate love.  He must love her passionately,  ardently, vehemently.  He must be overwhelmed by love.

spotlight

She needs that power.  She cannot understand herself as anything but a woman who commands that power.  And she will do what she must to feel powerful.

The truth is that many bullies are vulnerable. But they are on a mission to transfer that vulnerability to their victims, and abuse always escalates. My ex’s main technique of control would be to quietly whisper in my ear during a social situation that he wanted to leave now, and that if I wouldn’t leave with him, he would embarrass me in front of all of my friends. He threatened to tell people secrets that I had previously confided in him. He told me that he would tell my very best friends that I bitched about them, didn’t like them, wanted to steal their boyfriends. He spoke evangelically about a time in the future when we could “disappear”, emigrate to another country, live off the grid, never mix with anyone again.

And were those things true, dear?  Curious that you don’t say.  Did he have bitchy quotes from you to repeat?  Did you want to steal your friend’s boyfriends?  Could you keep him off-kilter by letting him know you would say the same things about him, given the chance?

Where does his fantasy about living with no one but you come from?  You will literally become his whole world.  My, that has a delightful ring to it, doesn’t it?

Although he cast these daydreams as romantic and idealistic, I now see them for what they really were: a future he saw as necessary to tighten his control over me; a situation where I was isolated and he was in charge.

Or, a situation in which he was isolated and you were in charge.  And was it really the monster who cast these daydreams as romantic and idealistic?

I have my doubts.

Hindsight, as they say, is 20-20. I’m left now with the confusing ruins of my relationship with him; a lot of my friends, having witnessed the final parting shot, now prefer to act as if I was never with my ex at all.

No one wants to see that the Beast could not be tamed.  You didn’t have the power after all.

This has left me in limbo: on the one hand, I want to talk about the good times, as if I had had a real long-term relationship; on the other, his actions have almost entirely invalidated four years of my life. If I had known what I know now about the nature and the warning signs, I might have been able to avoid this strange fate by ending my association with that man a lot sooner.

There is not one chance you would have ended that relationship until he dared to show that you are not powerful in public.  The Wizard was unmasked.  The fraud could no longer be maintained.  The four years ended because he exposed you.

The Empress has no clothes.

godiva

And after he spat in my face, that birthday night two years ago? He ran off into the night, then expected to see me again a few days later. He saw it as “just another argument”. I never saw him again. A year later, having heard about the success of my career as a writer, he left a drunken voicemail on my phone saying that he was going to “f***ing f*** [my] career up” if I ever mentioned him in the media. I changed my number, but I still believe that he reads every one of my articles.

You really are a peach, Emily.  Despite the fact that the relationship is over, you still imagine yourself as the most compelling object of this man’s desire.  He specifically asked you not to discuss him in the media and your response is that he must read all your articles?

Your vanity impresses.

So, if you’re reading — yes, I did decide to write about you after all. Because it’s been a long while now, and I’m not scared of you any more.

 

You were never scared.  But you are scary.

Here’s some advice.  Let the monster go.  You have no power over him.  You never will.

lion

Lots of love,

JB

47 Responses to “Four years, and she couldn’t break him. It wasn’t for lack of trying.”

  1. Liz June 3, 2013 at 16:26 #

    Hm…I wasn’t able to access the article without subscribing, but I don’t think I agree with you on this one. She was in love with a very controlling person who sounds pretty unstable if not downright dangerous. Sounds about like the person in New Orleans who strangled his girlfriend and then cut her up and boiled her. Yeah, she said some bad things and he said some bad things the relationship was tumultuous and he was SO SO “into her”…but, yeah, didn’t end very well either and I can’t say she deserved what she got.

    Per this: “Interesting, no? It’s the public ridicule that really gets to Emily.”

    Well, it is pretty humiliating (I’m assuming) to have you partner yell ‘cunt’ and other expletives in public. Kind of brings the point that he might not be so stable home…doesn’t it? Stuff in private you sometimes shrug off, but I’m reminded of the time some nutty girl literally threw herself on top of a moving vehicle to stop her boyfriend from going out…and after that public display it really drove home the fact she might not be the one in his best interest. Think it was all ’cause’ he “didn’t adequately tame the shrew?” and it was all about him? Myeh, no, not really. Glad he kicked her to the curb. Even if I don’t know the specifics and only caught the drama specifics don’t matter so much after that.

    Like

  2. judgybitch June 3, 2013 at 16:28 #

    The original article is quoted in its entirety.

    You didn’t think she sounded just a little into herself?

    Like

  3. Liz June 3, 2013 at 16:34 #

    Most definitely. But that doesn’t make him less of a nutter.

    Like

  4. judgybitch June 3, 2013 at 16:38 #

    Agreed.

    I just have a hard time believing there isn’t something women who STAY in these situations are getting out of the deal.,

    Anyone could find themselves dating someone like this. But it’s the ones who stay in it that strike me as just as nuts as the guy.

    Abusive relationships are mutually abusive, I think. Everybody is a fucking mess. I didn’t like her little innocent act. This tango takes two.

    Like

  5. Emma the Emo June 3, 2013 at 16:42 #

    Sounds more like what The Rawness site would call a co-dependent. They let themselves be abused because they want to be needed. I think he says that both the abusive partner and the enabling partner have marcisstic traits. They have low self-esteem and use others to gain self-worth and a proof that they are really awesome. Guys sometimes have this problem too. It seems many manosphere members have their own “BPD ex” story to tell.
    They are blinded by lust, and that vulnerability, and faith that HE/SHE will be the one who can finally heal her/his wounds and fix the partner, cuz he/she’s special.

    Like

  6. Emma the Emo June 3, 2013 at 16:44 #

    narcisstic*

    Like

  7. Emma the Emo June 3, 2013 at 16:49 #

    You’re right about that. To me, staying after some of those acts would be absolutely insane. It’s illogical, unless she is getting something out of it, which makes it worth it.

    Like

  8. earl June 3, 2013 at 17:43 #

    I present to you from the genius Bill Burr himself…how men can actually now not supplicate to women emotionally either.

    Like

  9. princesspixiepointless June 3, 2013 at 18:00 #

    I was a bit perplexed as to why this article even came up on the JB radar. It sounded like something from a Cosmo magazine. It wasn’t until i went thru to the link that I understood it’s relevance. The Times newspaper is news. A News Paper, not a tabloid. I’m not saying it’s without it’s politically sided slants, but overall it attempts to cover what is deemed as significant in the world.

    If the genders of the story were reversed, the article would have been titled, ‘We were the love of each others lives, and then she turned into a psycho-bitch’.
    Simple.
    The moral of the story is people aren’t always who they seem. That we can bring out the worse in people. The fact that she stayed for so long? Again, genitalia on other body, that dude would have skipped out unless he had some serious deep seated issues.

    I wonder why this story is being played out in a highly rated newspaper in the first place. We have been politically corrected enough to know all the forms of abuse, emotional, physical etc. This woman should have called it off after the first time he had her against the wall.

    Maybe it’s a message to young people, that domestic violence doesn’t need to result in black eyes on the third date.

    Or maybe to show that yes, abusive, co-dependant relationships happen in all class systems in all ages.

    I agree with Liz and Emma, those kids sound super fucked up.

    the moral of the story.

    Don’t take shit from nobody.

    Like

  10. Radical Suburbanite June 3, 2013 at 18:16 #

    Co-dependency is definitely the thing here. My mom liked to tell me that her first marriage was hell from the get-go. Her ex wasn’t a sweetheart. He was married six times. Wife number five shot and maimed him- and was acquitted of any wrongdoing. So… there’s that.

    But my mom stayed for nine years and had four kids with him (three biological and one adopted). I have never gotten a good answer from her as to why she’d stay with an abusive husband for so long- much less have kids with him. But I believe she liked the lifelong martyrdom she got out of it. I could go on about my mom (the professional opinion is that she has narcissistic personality disorder) but the real truth is that that one relationship gave her one thing she always wanted– the ability to never, ever claim responsibility for anything.

    Like

  11. Fred Flange, S.J. June 3, 2013 at 19:20 #

    Here is validation from a source that will blow your mind… Dr. Drew inrterviewed a women’s shelter founder who had herself been beaten by her ex-husband a number of times. Asked why she and other women would go back to such a man, her answer was NOT that they were scared of him. Quite the contrary. She was honest enough to say: she went back because all that animal energy – even directed in a painful way towards her – was unbelievably sexy! Sse was never more attracted to him than after a violent argument. No she was not a masochist, not into pain – just into that primal fury. I was gobsmacked – chicks dig assholes indeed! Maybe this is why!

    Though as we know crazy fucks like this guy are not Alpha – true Alphas do not need this kind of obsessive control. They have the power of the Next, they don’t need to use the power of isolation and threats. But, at least for awhile, it works nonetheless.

    Like

  12. ladysadie1 June 3, 2013 at 19:56 #

    I am afraid I have to disagree on this one. I could get into it, but, look here: http://motivationalhierarchy.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/no-victims-allowed/ or ask me about it, here or privately. The guy’s behavior was way over the top, and even if Princess Emily contributed to or escalated it, some crazy can’t be fixed.

    Like

  13. judgybitch June 3, 2013 at 19:58 #

    The real question though is why she stayed for four years.

    His crazy was evident very early on.

    Emily hands 100% of the blame to him.

    I call bullshit. She is just as troubled.

    Like

  14. ladysadie1 June 3, 2013 at 20:05 #

    Yes, I can see how you think that, and I take no issue with it. Women should be able to see the crazy and get the hell out. Sometimes, it is just too easy to be overwhelmed and make excuses for bad behavior, because the ‘good’ outweighs the bad and we (women, sometimes men) choose to make excuses or rationalize away the bad stuff because the “good’ stuff is just so damn good.

    Like

  15. TMG June 3, 2013 at 20:55 #

    One of the reasons why good men are giving up on relationships with women is because we know 3 out 5 women will choose a man like this over us, and with the other women, our goodness will be taken advantage of the minute it dawns on her to do so.

    Like

  16. ladysadie1 June 3, 2013 at 21:06 #

    Please, TMG, do not confuse yourself with this clearly frighteningly damaged man. Please.

    Like

  17. feeriker June 3, 2013 at 21:24 #

    Yep. I can’t begin to count how many drama princess martyrettes came running to me looking for salvation/a shoulder to cry on after things with Mr. Badboy Assholewent into meltdown mode. It became obvious to me pretty quickly that Deh Sistahhood doesn’t talk to each other. It should only have taken one “go sleep in that hard bed you made” to have dissuaded any more than one of them from inviting me to a pity party.

    Like

  18. Oscar Calme June 3, 2013 at 21:33 #

    Does the same apply to men when they are with crazy women? Just asking but not for an argument. Roissy used to have a statement that goes something like the crazier the woman the hotter they are.

    Like

  19. TMG June 3, 2013 at 21:35 #

    Thanks, but I don’t. I’m one of the educated, responsible men with a good job, aspirational life goals, and a good moral character that women find so boring these days.

    Like

  20. prostituterobotfromthefuture June 3, 2013 at 21:38 #

    She’s not going to be happy till he’s stalking her.

    Like

  21. desperada57 June 3, 2013 at 23:03 #

    Word, Liz!

    Like

  22. desperada57 June 3, 2013 at 23:11 #

    True. I don’t know how many times I hear of people who fight like demons, then say the “make-up sex” is hotter than I could ever imagine. Hubby and I have jokingly discussed this – maybe we’re missing out on something ’cause we’re not beating each other up all the time? Naaaaah. If he pissed me off that bad, I wouldn’t even let him look at me, much less touch me! He feels the same.

    Like

  23. judgybitch June 3, 2013 at 23:15 #

    Make up sex is hot!!

    I find the occasional sharp words said in a raised voice are enough to piss me off sufficiently to trigger hot make up sex.

    No need to exchange punches.

    I wouldn’t come out of that well. I can cuss like a sailor though.

    Bet you’re surprised by that!!

    😛

    Like

  24. gwallan June 3, 2013 at 23:37 #

    I don’t believe this writer to begin with. We don’t have his side of the story. I’d suggest there’s a great deal of embellishment going on.

    Like

  25. judgybitch June 3, 2013 at 23:40 #

    In one paragraph she says he’s a nice proper middle class boy and then in the next she says his wife-beater father abandoned him to a psychotically violent mother.

    I mean, which is it?

    She admits to smoking pot and getting black out drunk and then claims her boyfriend has substance abuse problems.

    Uh, okay.

    I would dearly love to hear his side of the story.

    Like

  26. Alex June 4, 2013 at 03:20 #

    Hvent tried to find a pic of her, but I can tell you she’s cute at least. Barney Stinson should b used more often, at least people would get something somewhat worthwhile out of that kind off relationship

    Like

  27. feeriker June 4, 2013 at 05:11 #

    I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she started stalking him. “Drama withdrawal” can lead to strange and desperate behavior.

    Like

  28. Radical Suburbanite June 4, 2013 at 05:23 #

    I know some people love make-up-sex, but I hate the emotional turmoil that usually leads to it. I had enough drama in my childhood. I think I have too much built-in to the idea to really enjoy it. Needless to say, my household is pretty calm and I really, really like it that way.

    Like

  29. Mik June 4, 2013 at 07:25 #

    Damnnn. I think my ex might have suffered from FNS.

    Like

  30. Reggie June 4, 2013 at 07:58 #

    JB may have the cause and effect mixed up in this scenario. I don’t believe this woman was ever trying to help this man, she wanted to torment him. She still wants to torment him and that’s why she wrote the article. She misses the warm glow of her vag tingles when the danger strikes and hopes he will make good on his promise to ruin her career.

    Like Bill Burr above notes, once you lose your cool, she wins. She needs to win because it actually gives her power in the relationship. It’s a cycle that she is willing to go through time and again for the power she seeks; she does something she knows will provoke him (why not leave the party?), he flies out of control and does something irrational or violent, then he feels bad and she has power over him.

    I had a crush on a girl when I was 19 and we actually had an affair behind her abusive boyfriend’s back. Later (when I was 22) I tried to contact her through my father to establish a relationship. He told me “I know you don’t hit women but if you call this girl, fuck the shit out of her and send her home because if you date her in any meaningful way, you will go to jail for beating her … and I guarantee she will make you beat her!”

    I took his advice and never called that girl. My Dad knew that I loved like I fought at that time. In a fight I would lead with my face and in love I would lead with my heart. Since then, through martial arts training and experience in love, I’ve learned to do both properly. I now lead with my mind.

    Like

  31. Master Beta June 4, 2013 at 08:51 #

    He doesn’t sound like a monster/asshole/beast to me; He sounds like a petulant child.

    And no doubt she was enjoying being his “mum”. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did all his laundry for him, arranged/did his haircuts, booked him in to go to the dentist etc….. All the things my mum does…. I mean used to do, for me.

    It also sounds like he was treating her like his own mother: Resenting her for the abuse, even if that meant fabricating abuse (“mind games”, seriously grow a pair dude), but at the same time being completely dependant on her.

    Like

  32. Master Beta June 4, 2013 at 09:02 #

    Dude, when you see a woman go for a total douche-bag, remember the simple reason why: She is also a total douche-bag.
    Women aren’t all special, precious angels that can do no wrong, some of them are down right nasty – no matter how pretty their smile is (I’ve made that mistake too many times!!).
    Plenty of good ones out there though if you know where to look – hint: Not in bars nor clubs.

    Like

  33. Spaniard June 4, 2013 at 10:33 #

    JB, a love the philosophical and jungian approach of your posts.

    I disagree completely to this topic of “women love the jerks and reject the nice guys”.
    It Is all about the looks. Women love money, but women are very impressed about the looks. Because women are the “beautiful sex’, and men in general, are not beautiful. So, when a woman finds a beautiful man… her brain is hacked. Does not matter if he beats her or gives her flowers. I he gives her flowers is prince charming, if he beats her, he is Christian Gray, if first gives her flowers and promises and then, he leaves her and she becomes a street prostitute, he is Dorian Gray, if he is good provider and family man, he is “one in a million”, if he is a waster, he is “a sexy lazy monster”.

    It happens kind of the same to men: the femme fatale, the slut, the virgin, the sweet princess, the darling housewife, or… as long as this female archetypes are “hot”. Does not matter.

    Like

  34. Spaniard June 4, 2013 at 10:37 #

    But, as said, in a former post, if really women love being brutalized, then, “Prostitute” is the perfect archetype for a woman: the pimp, the clients, rough sex, lot of money… Perfect!

    Like

  35. Spaniard June 4, 2013 at 10:46 #

    I understand you perfectly. I had enough drama in my childhood too. So, I always go for the calm relationships. And the friendship with the partner. If it makes me a “nice guy”. Ok. And “calm” does not mean “boring”.

    Like

  36. Spaniard June 4, 2013 at 10:48 #

    Yes, you can see a male douche-bag in his face, but women… with that angel looks they have… you think the girl should be an angel. No way she is a douche-bag!!!!

    Like

  37. Spaniard June 4, 2013 at 10:51 #

    The “femme fatale” issue. It is a classic.

    Like

  38. Goober June 4, 2013 at 14:40 #

    You have a good and wise father.

    Like

  39. Radical Suburbanite June 4, 2013 at 15:03 #

    I totally agree. My husband always worries that I’ll think he’s boring, but I find his steadiness comforting. I tell him that too- but I think it’s hard to let go of all the snotty comments he heard when he was younger. Girls are stupid. Nice guys are the best.

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  40. desperada57 June 4, 2013 at 17:17 #

    Shocked! Shocked I am!

    Like

  41. desperada57 June 4, 2013 at 17:27 #

    Me, too. I grew up in a fucking war zone. What was worse was that I never sensed any “making up” between my parents – only what I called a “cease fire.” I like the calmness of my current life, too.

    Like

  42. judgybitch June 4, 2013 at 17:31 #

    We all have that in common it seems.

    My husband’s calm demeanor is what I love most about him. The worst that ever happens when we get upset with each other is some loud voices. Not yelling. And we don’t say really mean things to each other.

    It’s more like:

    He says it won’t kill you to take the garbage out once in a while.

    Yeah right honey. It won’t kill you to make dinner once in a while.

    (He takes the garbage out).

    Like

  43. desperada57 June 4, 2013 at 17:38 #

    You can recognize a female narcissist (or douche-bag) the same way you can recognize a male. You can google “how to recognize a narcissist” and get tons of info. But you have to pay attention when you’re with your date. Since (so I’m told) men are more visually oriented than women, they’re more likely to be dazzled by a woman’s looks and then get sucked in. The guy in the original post – it didn’t matter how much attention/gifts he showered on her, he was still a psycho. Same can be said with a woman’s “angelic” smile or “fit” body. You gotta look deeper.

    Like

  44. desperada57 June 4, 2013 at 17:45 #

    Shocked that you cuss like a sailor, I mean.

    Like

  45. desperada57 June 4, 2013 at 17:47 #

    Good point. Always two sides to a story.

    Like

  46. Spaniard June 4, 2013 at 18:05 #

    I think is very good for a couple to have something very close to a brother-sister relationship (but the sex issue, of course) When the brother and the sister they get angry to each other… it is really nothing: they can shout, but, in five minutes they are totally OK, like nothing happened, and nobody feels offended. Because there is no “ego” issues between brother and sister and they know that they deep relationship and the love they feel for each other is no way to break it. I think any male here who has a sister or a female who has a brother knows exactly what I am talking about.

    Like

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  1. Four years, and she couldn't break him. It wasn't for lack of trying. | Viva La Manosphere! - June 3, 2013

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