Ladies, are you short a little cash? Here’s a quick and easy way to beef up your bank account and it’s filled with LOL, too. Fun for everyone!

3 Sep

plan B

So, you’re a responsible girl, right?  A totally modern woman, down with premarital sex and physical pleasure and you know all the right moves when it comes to preventing pregnancy.  You’ve been on birth control for most of your adult life and you have Plan B in your medicine chest just in case some catastrophic failure happens and the fruits of your loom decide to weave you up a darling little bundle of joy.

You have the abortion clinic on speed-dial.

Good for you!  Yay!  Abortion is dirty, nasty business that it’s best to avoid if possible.

visa

But all the responsibility in the world won’t prevent those moments when the Visa bill comes and you find yourself financially screwed once again.  Damn those credit card companies, giving you so much free money!

Courage, my love!  There is a solution.

There are two ways to go about this little money-making scheme – one for amateurs and one for the more experienced ladies.  Both require that you have a boyfriend with some assets (or the ability to acquire them), and the first step will be to accurately evaluate what resources your sweetie can come up with.

guitar

Is he a shiftless musician playing in dirty dives most weekends and delivering some pizza on the side?

Well, he can sell his guitar and his car, right?

Is he a staff accountant at a prestigious firm?  Not rolling in the dough quite yet, but chances are he can qualify for a nice tidy line of credit at the corner bank.

Is he a stockbroker lining up for a wicked Christmas bonus?  Oooh.  Jackpot!

jackpot

Let’s get the moral quandary out of the way right off the bat, shall we?  Men rule the world.  They have all the money, all the power, all the opportunities and all the privilege.

So fuck them.

My plan for profiteering is not only perfectly moral, it’s pretty much REQUIRED just as means to get the balance a little more right.  Men have had it too easy for too long and it’s time for a little comeuppance.

People only feel guilty for doing the WRONG thing, right?  So don’t feel guilty, because none of this is wrong.  It’s fairness.  Justice.  Follow my advice and know you are acting with integrity and walking the path of righteousness, redressing centuries of wrong with one cool trick.

righteous

Let’s go the amateur route first.  What you are going to do is get a positive pregnancy test and then inform your astonished boyfriend that you will need money for the abortion.  Based on your calculations of his available resources, select a clinic with a fee set as close to that number as possible.  Screen cap the payment info and have it close at hand for the conversation.

Practice looking wretched.  Rub a tiny bit of Vicks or Tiger Balm on your eyes for the full flood effect.  Weep your little heart out.  Let him know you never, ever wanted this to happen and you can’t bear the thought of ruining his life.  Cast him as the hero who alone can save you from the terrible fate of bearing his child.

weeping

Make sure you get cash.

And set a calendar alert for the day you are having the “abortion” so that you don’t accidentally forget and get caught out shopping with your new moola!  Spend two days on the sofa clutching your tummy and a teddy bear, and ask him to order in all your favorite foods, which you can freeze for lunches for the next week!

See?

How clever.

You’re very welcome.

Now, let’s move on to the more professional ladies.  You’re not in it for a couple hundred bucks.  Fuck that.  All of this rests on the assumption that your boyfriend has some serious resources, which you are entitled to because he only has those assets in the first place because he’s a man and the world happens to consider his Masters in Finance oh so much more important than your Barista of Arts degree.  Obviously bullshit.

You will not need any Vick’s or wretched looks. Oh no. You need to be excited!  Cautiously excited, but excited nonetheless.  Your boyfriend, you see, will not just be paying for the abortion, he will be paying you TO CHOOSE abortion.

Wonder out loud, as you giggle about how surprised your mother will be, just how much child support you will be able to count on.  Throw out a wicked number for the nursery and preschool fees.  What you want to do is get him to think about just how expensive this little bundle is going to be, and then the negotiations begin.

nursery

Maybe the baby isn’t a good idea.  Maybe you want to pursue your dreams of creating a felt installation that will get you into the MOMA.  Give him an opening.  Let him talk you into a settlement.  If the money he is offering isn’t quite what you want, switch back to enthusiasm until he gets it up near what you deserve.

Again, cash only please.

See how easy this is?

All you need is positive pregnancy test without actually being pregnant.

Well, fuck me.  Guess I didn’t think this one through very well.  How are you going to get a positive pregnancy test?  I guess you could follow a pregnant woman home and search her garbage, but by the time you can SEE she’s pregnant, the testing period has long passed by.

thinking(2)

If only you could BUY positive pregnancy tests from women who really are pregnant.  If only it were possible to purchase a stick covered in some other woman’s pee containing those knocked-up hormones.  If only there were women brave and dedicated enough to offer such an item for sale to help redress all those many wrongs that have accumulated over the centuries.

Oh, look!

test

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/pregnant-women-selling-positive-pregnancy-tests-online-article-1.1443432

And only $25.

Sweet!

All right, ladies.  Get to it!  Bundles all around!

cash

Of cash, of course.

Not babies.

Ewww. Ick.

baby

Who wants those?

Lots of love,

JB

39 Responses to “Ladies, are you short a little cash? Here’s a quick and easy way to beef up your bank account and it’s filled with LOL, too. Fun for everyone!”

  1. Jim September 3, 2013 at 14:29 #

    Progressive ideology has already jumped the shark merely because the lies are becoming too numerous to continue to cover up. In a society where no one is accountable for their actions yet the damage that happens is real and has an impact, no amount of cover ups, blame games, labels, or government crony policies can make up for it. This of course includes women who benefit from the status quo.

    As for me personally if a women tried to blackmail by doing this and I caught her, would probably cause me to by react tossing her ass off a tall bridge.

    Like

  2. Spaniard September 3, 2013 at 15:10 #

    Just get your dick inside hookers vaginas or women 45 plus. No danger.

    Like

  3. Vlad September 3, 2013 at 15:39 #

    Personally, I would regard HIV and other STDs a big danger. Which actually opens up an interesting question, would you be safer from STDs from a professional? Common understanding says no, but does anyone know of any research that has been done on this?

    Like

  4. feeriker September 3, 2013 at 15:59 #

    Wonder out loud, as you giggle about how surprised your mother will be, just how much child support you will be able to count on.

    At which point I, the man, would wonder out loud (VERY out loud) how soon I could get her to a doctor for a real pregnancy test, as well as how soon a blood test could be done to determine paternity if the pregnancy test came up positive.

    Like

  5. judgybitch September 3, 2013 at 16:03 #

    You would, but how many men would just take her word and the positive test in front of them as the truth?

    I’m betting most would

    Like

  6. Wallace Black September 3, 2013 at 16:36 #

    http://jezebel.com/you-can-buy-positive-pregnancy-tests-on-craigslist-1224601074 <- the comments are interesting.

    Like

  7. Vlad September 3, 2013 at 16:37 #

    I can safely say that I would have taken her word right up until she started giggling. The first approach would have worked just fine on me. A sense of camaraderie: ‘we are both in this together, and since I have more money my share is financial. Your share is the emotional and physical backlash.’

    On the other hand the moment she starts wondering how much money a kid could take from me I would start demanding proof. Both of the existence of a fetus, and that it is in fact mine.

    Like

  8. Spaniard September 3, 2013 at 16:46 #

    Hookers are cleaner than “normal”. They take a lot of showers daiy.
    And in lot of cases, hookers are less promiscuous than “normal”.

    If you want a good girl, go for the hooker.

    Like

  9. Spaniard September 3, 2013 at 16:46 #

    Daily.

    Like

  10. Spaniard September 3, 2013 at 16:48 #

    “Donde tengas la olla, no metas la polla”.

    “Where is your pot, do not get your cock”.

    It means: do not shag with female coworkers.

    Like

  11. judgybitch September 3, 2013 at 17:22 #

    Don’t shit where you eat

    That’s what my husband says about sex with co-workers

    I assume he means before he was married.

    🙂

    Like

  12. Feminist Hater September 3, 2013 at 17:38 #

    Men should really start to learn not to dip their stick in crazy. And if you are, always ask for proof. Proof positive from a Doctor none of you know. If she’s not pregnant, she pays.

    Like

  13. feministhater September 3, 2013 at 17:39 #

    Also, go buy your own pregnancy test. Make her pee on it in front of you and wait for the results.

    Like

  14. Korhomme (@Korhomme) September 3, 2013 at 17:40 #

    Actually, JB, you’re describing stage II on a girl’s career path.

    Stage I is auctioning your virginity. With practice this can be repeated several times.

    Stage III is the alimony. Likewise, this can be repeated.

    Like

  15. feeriker September 3, 2013 at 17:54 #

    You’re probably right. Depending on the stage of the relationship (assuming that the word “relationship”, however elastic the definition, applies), most men are probably too afraid/in too great a state of initial shock to question the woman for fear of upsetting her delicate sensibilities and bringing out her inner she-monster.

    That, or too many of us are still thinking with our dicks to allow common sense to take over.

    Like

  16. feeriker September 3, 2013 at 17:57 #

    I read through the first four, then quit. Going any further would’ve resulted in brain damage (JB, how can YOU stand to slog through that shit?).

    Seriously, are those wymyn for real?

    Like

  17. feeriker September 3, 2013 at 18:00 #

    Men should really start to learn not to dip their stick in crazy.

    That of course limits the opportunities for non-masturbatory sex quite severely.

    Like

  18. LostSailor September 3, 2013 at 18:22 #

    Which only reinforces the imperative to only conduct relationships with women of good character. And for the love of God, make sure she’s not a feminist…

    Like

  19. FuzzieWuzzie September 3, 2013 at 21:01 #

    I started off the day depressed and this hasn’t helped. Relationships require trust to the point where it takes a leap of faith. Stuff like this kills it. What’s sad is that there are no negative consequences for women who choose to do this. The end result is that all women get painted with the same brush.

    Like

  20. Spaniard September 3, 2013 at 21:27 #

    There is only two kind of women: the bad and the worst.

    “A good woman. Who will find her?”
    Holy Bible says so.

    Like

  21. Spaniard September 3, 2013 at 21:27 #

    🙂

    Like

  22. Marlo Rocci September 3, 2013 at 22:07 #

    It really is turning out to be that prostitutes are the only ones you can trust these days.

    Like

  23. Alex September 3, 2013 at 23:51 #

    it’s okay to put in crazy, just not as a long term thing

    Like

  24. Alex September 3, 2013 at 23:54 #

    i’m fine with selling positive pregnancy tests so long as they are kept to prank related activities. anything else is wrong and a waste. fucking honestly, why can’t women see that it’s easier to make their own money than to go around finding someone to give it to them constantly?

    Like

  25. Matthew House September 4, 2013 at 01:13 #

    A brief exploration of craigslist in austin (near where I live) reveals some other…person doing the same thing. this is disturbing, on many, -many- levels.

    http://austin.craigslist.org/bab/4043031635.html

    Like

  26. Emcee September 4, 2013 at 01:13 #

    Well… This is some good ammunition for a future argument, at any rate.

    Like

  27. Duped Dad September 4, 2013 at 04:10 #

    I actually used to know a chick that pulled the abortion scam. She didn’t even need a positive pregnancy test to get guys to pay up. It makes sense to pay up even if you’re not sure whether they’re lying if you think about it.

    Suppose you earned of only $25,000 a year; and were only 33% sure that this woman was lying. Child support in my state is roughly 31% of your salary. Using these numbers we can come up with an expected loss of roughly: $46,035 over 18 years [assuming a 33% chance of truthfulness]. Shelling out $300 – $400 for an abortion on the off chance that she’s telling the truth is a bargain in comparison.

    Of course it all depends on how risk adverse you are. I’ve been drafted into fatherhood against my will by one lying bitch already. Trust me when I say It has and still is seriously effecting my quality of life negatively. I’m not taking any chances the 2nd time around.

    Always wrap it. If you don’t wrap it accept the fact that you’ve just committed to shelling out $30 to buy her the morning after pill, and accepted the responsibility of making sure she takes it. If you don’t do that you have to hope you can talk her into an abortion and spend the couple hundred bucks it costs to get her one. As you can see the longer you wait, and the less proactive you are; the more expensive and less effective your options become.

    Condoms are free at the health department and women can’t force you to have sex with with out using one. Morning after pills cost some money, and some women refuse to take them because of the side effects; or because of the brainwashing of religious extremists. Abortions cost 10 times what a morning after pill costs, and even fewer women will agree to take them. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

    Like

  28. Ter September 4, 2013 at 06:00 #

    Re: “Let’s get the moral quandary out of the way right off the bat, shall we? Men rule the world. They have all the money, all the power, all the opportunities and all the privilege….Men have had it too easy for too long and it’s time for a little comeuppance.”

    Ohhh, I have heard this far too times from upset women who actually believe it.

    Incidentally, a recent OECD survey found that (in Australia) approximately 1 in 5 men work over 50 hours/week, whereas 1 in 20 women do same. Could this be a factor in the ‘pay gap’/money/power, etc?

    http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/still-the-lucky-country-but-some-work-too-many-hours-20130528-2n9nt.html

    Like

  29. chefyc September 4, 2013 at 08:04 #

    Reblogueó esto en Los españoles se merecen saberlo, por la Paz y la verdadera Igualdad en España!y comentado:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

    Like

  30. Spaniard September 4, 2013 at 11:15 #

    Oh!, a countryman!

    I have been watching your blog. I agree 100% with Camille. Her feminism I support.

    Like

  31. Spaniard September 4, 2013 at 11:23 #

    But, as a Spaniard you are, I guess you have to agree with me in this point: half of the problem in Spain is men. Because men, they are happy to deal with ANYTHING in order to have a woman. Does not matter if the woman is a witch or a psycho.

    Like

  32. chefyc September 4, 2013 at 14:59 #

    NO. lo único seguro es que el 15% de los que se creen padres, no lo son biológicamente! http://www.diariovasco.com/20130212/mas-actualidad/sociedad/padres-biologicos-paternidad-201302111642.html

    Like

  33. chefyc September 4, 2013 at 16:38 #

    http://circuloatenea.wordpress.com/

    Like

  34. Spaniard September 5, 2013 at 09:35 #

    Chefyc, estoy seguro de que los hombres espanoles, con tal de tener un conejo, son capaces de perdonar eso tambien. Y hacerse cargo de un mochelo que no les coresponde. Y con gusto. No hay hombres mas calzonazos en el planeta.

    Like

  35. Spaniard September 5, 2013 at 09:35 #

    mochuelo.

    Like

  36. chefyc September 5, 2013 at 19:11 #

    habaerlos hailos como las meigas. desgracias por generalizar!

    Like

  37. Technomad September 6, 2013 at 05:13 #

    I wonder what she’d say if his response was “You know, darling, I didn’t share this little nugget…but I’ve had a vasectomy five years ago. I am _shooting blanks,_ dearest.” And followed it up with proof.

    Like

  38. Adverbios de modo September 2, 2014 at 00:14 #

    I know the entry is old, but I wanted to congratulate you on your writing. I liked the blog, I happened to see what new entries in it. Luck and not to give up, because the blog is a luxury. A kiss !!

    Like

  39. John November 12, 2014 at 01:05 #

    This wouldn’t work on me because I won’t engage in premarital sex. With anyone. Period. There are great benefits to keeping the 10 Commandments, and this is one of them. Good luck finding a sucker ladies!

    Like

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