First up, I was reading back over some old posts that have gained, for some reason, new traction, and it’s fascinating to watch my own dawning awareness.
I want to take this moment to own a bit of my own shit. This blog has been accused of many things, but the one thing that irks me is when people accuse me of just making my stories up: X never happened. I assure you, every single time I have ever offered a TRUE STORY, it’s been true. Some motormouths over at FreeJinger can’t BELIEVE some trampy single mother didn’t care that her daughter was dancing nude in front of strangers on the internet.
Sadly enough, it’s true. I didn’t make a word of that up.
Others think there is something fishy about my claim that my kids have never been to daycare, and yet I’m doing a PhD and I’ve been offered a course to teach (it was for this September, and I declined). Sorry/not sorry, but I really AM doing a PhD and how in the everloving fuck did the fact that I’ve been out of the workforce for TWELVE YEARS escape these morons?
The accusations of being a member of the right-wing Christian tinfoil hat brigade are too stupid to contemplate. Yeah, I’m pro-gay marriage, I speak out against racism when I see it, I’m reluctantly pro-abortion and I’M A SELF DECLARED AETHEIST, so obviously I go to church eight times a week, right?
The truth is, I can handle criticism. “You should get raped and die” doesn’t amount to very compelling analysis in my mind, but I’m weird that way. And the funny thing is that if you read back over some of my older stuff, there’s plenty to critique. I’m not always consistent, and honestly, who the fuck is?
Way back at the beginning, I commented on the Steubenville rape case, which got some ANONYMOUS pretenders all up in arms – panties twisted in the biggest bunch you ever saw. A quick “fuck you” sent them on their merry way, but it seems that post in particular is garnering new interest.
So I went back and read it. And I came across this:
How do young women protect themselves from men being men? They have friends. They travel in groups. They accept that their own decisions aren’t always going to be wise or accomplish what they hope to accomplish. THAT is girl power. Stick together ladies. If you end up shit-faced drunk at a football party chasing after boys way out of your league, you need some good solid girlfriends to take you home and tell your mom you suddenly came down with the flu.
Look at that first sentence! I can’t believe I wrote that. How much would I go to town on another writer who uses “men” as a synonym for “rapist”? The correct sentence is How do young women protect themselves from rapists being rapists?
What a gigantic fail on my part.
I don’t have an EXCUSE for that, because there isn’t one, but I do have an EXPLANATION, which is completely different. I won’t waste my time trying to spin some bullshit about how I was implying the word “rapist” and just accidentally used “men” instead, because not only is that intellectually completely dishonest, it’s not consistent with the kind of awareness I demand from others.
The truth is that we live in a culture steeped with the poisonous assumption that ALL men are potential rapists, and it is very, very difficult to scrub every last vestige of that belief from your mind, no matter how much you try. I consider myself a pretty aware person, and yet, I make the same ugly assumptions as everybody else.
I will at least give myself credit for TRYING to redress that problem, and it is very much IS a problem. The following story is an example of what I am talking about – how we read our assumptions unconsciously into everything. Not only are all men rapists, there is one man in particular who is super-rapey.
The frat boy. He lives in the imaginations of college-educated feminists as the Super Rapey Rapist of Them All, and no matter what his words actually say, they refuse to see anything OTHER than a rapist. It’s hard to set aside such a deeply ingrained belief. I understand that. If I can be tripped on unconscious prejudice and hate, then so can everybody else, but this story in particular demonstrates just how fanatically feminists cling to the belief that men are rapists and nothing more.
Is there anything that stupid assholes love more than unfunny rape jokes? The latest installment in the saga of the neverending love affair between awful men and the women who don’t want to have sex with them comes from one of the Phi Kappa Tau brothers at Georgia Tech, and it’s a doozy. Called “Luring Your Rapebait,” it’s got everything a douchebag could want: rap slang, dude slang, and, most importantly, dick slang.
Okay, calling your little missive “Luring Your Rapebait” is pretty stupid, but what does the letter actually say?
“Alright chods, some of you could use some help on how to mack and succeed at parties. Mostly pledges do, but some bros could use a review. For anytime throughout the party… If you are standing by yourself at any point, YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!!! If you are talking to a brother of your pledge brothers when there are girls just standing around, YOU ARE OUTTA HERE!!!
Don’t leave girls standing around by themselves while you chat with your friends. Circulate and make introductions.
Ok, if it is before midnight… A group of girls is standing around, grab a bro or pledge bro and go talk to them. First, introduce yourself and get their name, ask if they are having a good time, and then ask if they want anything to drink. If they say yes, walk them to the bar and tell them what we have to drink. If they say no and they look like they are in a sorority, ask them if they are in a sorority (DUH). If not, choose one of the following: where are you living, where are you from, have you been here before, how are classes going, or where all have you been tonight. Then proceed to have a conversation. IF THEY ARE HAMMERED AT ANY POINT BEFORE MIDNIGHT, JUST SKIP THE CHIT CHAT AND GO DANCE.
Ask her for her name. She’s a person, so ask her name. Go with her to the bar and order a drink – she won’t have to worry about any date rape drugs. Make her feel safe. Ask some questions that indicate an interest in her life.
Midnight or after, if you have been talking for awhile and they’ve had a couple drinks, ask if they want to dance. If you see an untalked to group or a solo girl, go up to her and ask if she wants anything to drink. If she says yes, get her a drink and then ask if she wants to dance. If she says no, ask her to dance. DANCING IS FUN!!!!! Always try to dance. If she does not want to dance and is with friends, say “aw thats no fun” (or something like that) and then ask one of her friends.
Don’t take rejection personally, and respect her choice about whether she wants to dance.
Here is how to dance: Grab them on the hips with your 2 hands and then let them grind against your dick. After that slowly alternate between just putting your hand across their stomach, but make sure don’t to go to high (keep it under the boob) or too low(dont try to finger her… yet). After a song, start putting your cheek on the side of her cheek. ALWAYS USE YOUR HANDS OR ARMS TO GUIDE THEIR DANCING in order to maximize your pleasure. If she starts putting her hair over her ear, THAT MEANS SHE WANTS A KISS. Therefore, try to give her a kiss on the cheek. They usually like that and nothing really should ebcome of it. In the case, go for the neck kiss. If for some reason they aren’t down for a cheek kiss, just dance through it or say you are going to get another drink and see if they want one. And then repeat from the beginning.
Let her grind against you if she wants. Keeps your hands respectfully away from her crotch or breasts. Watch for signals from her about where she wants to take the dance. If you think she wants a kiss, start with her neck or cheek. Respect her choices.
The lines may be blurred, but that doesn’t mean you can’t read them.
If the party is going good (a.k.a. there are a lot of open girls) try to escalate cause it’s awesome. Here is how to escalate: Try to twist her hips around to face you and dance front to front. FROM THERE THE OPTIONS ARE UNLIMITED! You can make-out with her (tongue on tongue), you can stick your hand up her shirt (not right away though), you can go for a butt grab (outside or inside the shirts), or use your imagination. ALWAYS START WITH THE MAKING OUT!!!! NO RAPING.
Start with kissing and NO RAPING. Uhm….. how is that not clear to anyone reading this guide? No raping. How does that get turned into an “unfunny rape jokes”?
A short guide consist of the 7 E’s of HOOKING UP! 1. Encounter (spot a girl or group of girls) 2. Engage (go up and talk to them) 3. Escalate (ask them to dance, or ask them to go up to your room or find a couch, depending on what kind of party) 4. Erection (GET HARD) 5. Excavate (should be self-explanatory) 6. Ejaculate (should also be self explanatory) 7. Expunge (send them out of your room and on their way out when you are finished. IF ANYTHING EVER FAILS, GO GET MORE ALCOHOL. I want to see everyone succeed at the next couple parties.
Try to turn a dance into sex. Yeah, the guys at Georgia Tech are the first humans in history who enjoy casual sex.
And if it doesn’t work out? Go get another drink and try again at the next party.
How is any of this a guide to rape? The author explicitly says NO RAPING, and somehow this is a guide to rape? Here’s how I think it works: Jezebel and Jezzie fans are so deeply immersed in their beliefs about men and rape they are completely incapable of seeing any world view other than that. Even when the words “no raping” swim in front of their eyes, they cannot see or comprehend what that means.
It’s disturbing and understandable at the same time. When I can confuse the words “rapist” and “men”, what hope do young women who are daily bombarded with the man=rapist message have?
I guess we just keep talking. Try to be the voice in the wind that whispers the truth. Hope to hell that one day they will hear us. And obviously, we need to be vigilant about our own beliefs and be willing to take corrective actions.
I screwed up. I apologize. I’m embarrassed and contrite. I made a mistake.
But here’s one thing I promise: I won’t make the same mistake again.
I’ll make new ones!
And I hope you will call me out and make me own them when I do.
Lots of love,