17 Responses to “New JBTV – more on how I came to have a “traditional” lifestyle”
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October 29, 2014
[…] New JBTV – more on how I came to have a “traditional” lifestyle […]
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judgybitch 
JB, You’re going to hate me for saying it but, I like it when you get kicked off Twitter. I don’t go there. I like reading your blogposts and seeing your youtube videos.
In that sense, I guess you can call me traditional. 🙂
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I never know if it’s better to reply to these posts here or on youtube….
I have an often overlooked reason why following your passions is a bad idea; I followed mine, which were in a lucrative career option (even without luck), and now I hate my job, and doing what I thought I loved. The research questions I’m interested in don’t provide many if any research grants, so I ended up always working on something tangential to my interests, in order to make the good money, and it became tedious and frustrating. The upshot here is don’t confuse a hobby with a profession or a job. My idiot mistake was going into a private sector R&D job, instead of trying for the more competitive professorships at research universities; if having a job is going to be enervating, it doesn’t matter if you love it. Working is something we do because we have to, not because we want to, the answer isn’t to make it enjoyable, it’s to do it in a way that it facilitates enjoyment found elsewhere in your life.
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You’re absolutely right. I hope you keep asking these tough questions.
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I’m an idiot too except in my case I picked a successful career as a technical writer in the Silicon Valley. I don’t think that equality of outcomes is going to happen any time soon. Meanwhile, I can’t help but think that those who believe “traditionalism” began in the 1950’s when dinosaurs roamed the earth, are easily distracted and confused by B.F. Skinner, “novelty,” and other reflections of our divisive age.
Whereas we both came from highly dysfunctional families of different natures, and it would seem that dysfunction is rapidly becoming the norm given that for many children there is either no one at home or a narcissist of either sex or gender waiting; if families can’t even look after themselves and make decisions as to their culture, belief system, values, and even careers for their children and instead we rely on parentless children to make those decisions for themselves–or for the state to be their parent–we have exactly what we have today–a calcified, multi-apexed, dystopia.
While it is most definitely true for a child of a dysfunctional family to make good and have a healthy, happy, and productive life–look at you! It does stack the odds against it.
Sometimes “traditional” wisdom has some merits, and in my view, the entire breadth of history is ripe for the foraging.
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I don’t know why you’re camera shy, that was a great video. 🙂
A lot of people make dumb choices when they’re young; I certainly would’ve done a few things differently. And you’re right, it’s important to talk about these things, but are young people really interested in listening?
There’s a coffee shop near my home where I like to hang out when I need to get out of the house. One of the serving staff that I talk to on occasion was telling me she’s in commerce at the local university. My reaction? Good! Then she told me her course selection, most of which I didn’t recognize except “international business,” but they all sounded pretty much useless. I didn’t criticize her choices—nor did she ask for my opinion—but I remember thinking, “what a waste.” I could tell that education was not something she took very seriously, and that like a lot of women, she was primarily just killing time and having fun until she could find a husband.
If someone had taken you aside and told you why a degree in film theory was a bad idea, would you have listened? No doubt you would if you could go back in time with your current state of mind, and all its accumulated knowledge. But young people tend go think they know everything.
Heh, not much of a point, just a bit of a rant. Cheers.
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Kind of call-out question, but: what’s stopping you from getting the training to do a home business thing like you mentioned? Or hell, just find a way to monetize your cooking skills that, by all accounts, are fantastic and thus of high market value? Based on what you’ve written about your husband, he’s likely to be open to a business proposal, and possess the critical eye and testicular fortitude to make sure it’s not a wasted venture.
I love your stuff and I totally don’t wish to see fewer blog posts/videos, but it seems like this is a very solvable problem.
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I wrote a novel. signed with an agent and we are out at publishers right now. If I can monetize my writing, that would be amazing.
And I have that PhD I took a year off from to see what happens with the novel, so I do have a few back-up plans in place.
It would have been easier to think this through beforehand, though.
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There was a moment when I wondered why so many feminists opposed #gamergate, because essentially #gamergate was opposed to a woman who had to trade sex for publicity to promote her game. Then I realized what feminists are really against is marriage, because the end of marriage will reinforce socialism, which is the real goal. They know a world where women have to trade sex to advance their careers will be harmful to marriage, and that’s what they want. The death of marriage no matter what.
So Zoe Quinn is their hero because not only did she fuck up her relationship with her boyfriend, one of the guys she had sex with was married, and she probably fucked up that relationship as well. She represents the death of relationships.
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The married guy who cheated on his wife fucked up his own relationship. If I understand the men’s rights movement correctly, it’s all about holding male and female adults equally responsible for their own screw-ups. Just as the other guys didn’t fuck up Quinn’s relationship with her boyfriend, Quinn didn’t fuck up those other guys’ relationships, either.
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There is nothing wrong with being a “traditionalist.” Observe -> http://youtu.be/PGbHYyjbfYI – In which I lay lay down the gauntlet in defense of Tradition. As well as the beginnings of an alternate view of what it means to be for Men’s Rights, in contra & contrast to the Libertarian/Individualist view. Special guest appearance by Fleetwood Mac
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That’s a very interesting and informative video, and I believe that a lot of practices have become traditions simply because they make sense and work well for the majority of people. I personally lean more towards an evolutionary interpretation of human history, and it seems likely to me that the family evolved among our primate ancestors, initially as mothers realizing that it worked out better to raise their children in groups; this way, some could mind the children while others went out and gathered food.
Males and fathers became increasingly involved as mothers realized there were tremendous benefits to making themselves sexually available during non-fertile times and not just fertile. It seems likely that initially, females wanted to mate exclusively with the most “alpha” male, so families were groups composed of an alpha male and his harem of “wives” and their children, while all other males beyond a certain age ended up living as rogues or serving the alpha male without much opportunity to procreate themselves.
As we evolved mentally, I think many women developed the wisdom to see that there were benefits to having one male who was exclusively devoted to them and their children, and also benefits to life with a beta or other non-alpha male who wasn’t completely stuck on himself and actually took more of an interest in his partner and her feelings, and liked nurturing and playing with the children, too.
Many males, for their part, found the benefits and comforts of monogamy vastly preferable to the excitement and insecurity of living as a rogue or a “man going his own way.” But all men certainly don’t feel that way, just as there are certainly still women who prefer sharing an alpha male with other women, or even partnering with other women.
The problem with the term “traditionalism” is that it’s so often used to define a rigid mindset in which there are no individuals, only prescribed roles. All men are supposed to be “he-men” who are sexually attracted to only women, and all women are supposed to ultra-feminine domestic goddesses who are sexually attracted to only men.
.
In reality, there will always be some people who diverge from the norm — but traditions like monogamy, and mothers of small children doing work that doesn’t interfere with their ability to nurse and provide continuous love and comfort to their little ones, are most likely always going to continue to make sense for the majority of people. So I’m in favor of a fluid traditionalism that allows plenty of room for human individuality.
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I found your blog tonight through a thoughtcatalog article. I like it.
I also wish I hadn’t gone to college. I know a woman who does hair extensions in her basement and she makes $300 every day, minimum. And those aestheticians/sadists who do bikini waxes. They make a killing in tips. I could have done so many things differently.
I was also an idiot. English major. I went back to school for a science degree, and I make objectively good money now, but I’ve wasted almost all of my 20s. I don’t have any significant dating or relationship experience. There is only a short window of opportunity for me to find someone and have children. I’m shy and awkward as fuck, so it is looking like that will probably not even happen in time.
I was raised under that same philosophy of “follow your passion! care about you! think about you!” I fell for it, but of course now that I’ve spent a decade pursuing everything but the one thing I wanted, I realize that the reason I DIDN’T consider whether my career plans were conducive to having family is because it had always been implicitly suggested to me that prioritizing having a family was only for stupid women who couldn’t do anything else.
The real stupids are people like me who listened to toxic advice and ignored my gut instincts while incurring thousands of dollars in student loan debt for the privilege of working every day of my life only to come home to cats.
Usually the people yammering about going to college 1. didn’t go to college themselves, so they idealize it, 2. are baby boomers with antiquated ideas about how beneficial it is to have a degree (my family), 3. are professors or affiliates of the college industrial complex who profit from propogandizing college and pretending it’s the ultimate path to economic success.
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Pintdote, my husband and I started dating when I was 34, and we married when I was 35, and we have two beautiful daughters now — but I do agree with you that there are many social forces pushing young people to seriously mix up their priorities. Earlier marriage is generally better when the young people are mature and ready for it.
In my own case, I think low self-esteem was one of the main factors that hindered me from getting married sooner — not that I was too shy to meet people, but that I thought so poorly of myself that whenever any guy took an interest in me, I thought there must be something wrong with him, I spent years having huge crushes on guys who never noticed me, and pushing away the ones who really did like me. In my early 30’s, I finally recognized the pattern and opened myself up to the possibility that I really could fall in love with someone who didn’t totally ignore me.
Late 20’s is still a time full of possibilities. While I’m not an expert on meeting people (for romantic purposes), if you’re shy, bars and singles groups seem like kind of bad news. I’m not terribly shy myself, but I personally found those venues rather depressing — not that it’s depressing to go out to a bar with friends just to socialize and have fun — just depressing as a means of looking for romance.
One of my friends met her husband when they were involved in volunteer work for a cause they both really believed in, and that seems like a really awesome way to meet someone whom you’re likely to have a lot in common with. You’d be doing something you enjoyed doing, and making friends and increasing your connections in the process.
In my own case, I met my husband In church. We were both fundamentalist Christians at the time, and I feel I’m pretty lucky in that when I started questioning my beliefs about seven years into our marriage, he started questioning his, too, and neither of us is a fundamentalist Christian today. It would have been really hard to work things out if he’d stayed in our fundamentalist church and wanted to raise our girls in beliefs that I now see as very intolerant of human diversity. I’d essentially have been the one breaking the deal, though, since I’d have been the one who changed, so I’m just really, really glad that he changed, too.
At any rate, I’d just encourage you to start looking for more ways to engage with your community. When you’re happy and involved in things that you care about being involved with, that’s when you’re the most attractive to other people, including people who are looking for someone just as you are.
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That_Susan, thank you for your thoughtful response. My problem probably is, at least in part, related to self-esteem in the way you have described here. I can be an overly serious and intense personality, and I do often have this feeling that I’m not light enough and happy enough to be lovable, so I pull away before I can get rejected. I dart out of social events because I feel stilted and awkward making small talk. I should get over that.
I agree that bars, singles groups, and even internet dating leave much to be desired in the way of forming natural long-lasting bonds. I would prefer to meet someone organically via mutual interests, and you’re right of course that being happy and passionate is not only valuable to its own end, but also attractive to other people. So, yeah, I should channel my intensity toward something productive that connects me other people and helps the community at large.
I’m happy for you that you found someone with a similar set of values AND grew/evolved together. That’s really the height of what any of us could hope for in a relationship.
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I really like what you wrote here, pintdote: “So, yeah, I should channel my intensity toward something productive that connects me other people and helps the community at large.” Sometimes when women get to a certain age and are still single — even when they’re still young like you — they feel like they have to start “putting marriage first,” and the desire for marriage and family is completely natural, of course.
But a woman who’s “putting marriage first” is often kind of off-putting to men. On the one hand, it’s stupid to act like it’s not a priority when it is — but at the same time, it’s kind of like job-hunting: the more we feel and act like we really NEED whatever job we’re applying for, and the more strongly the “interviewer” can read our desperation in our faces, the more inclined they are to say, “Thanks so much for your interest; we’ll be in touch with you soon,” and immediately toss our application onto the rejection pile.
In addition to being off-putting to men, allowing ourselves to get sucked into that desperate, “this is my last chance” feeling can cause us to do ourselves a terrible disservice. The fact is: desperate as we may feel, there are some jobs and some men that we are better off without, and feeling desperate can lead us to make terrible decisions. A crappy job can at least be quit, but marriage to a horribly wrong person is not so easy to move on from.
I firmly believe that for every good person who truly wants one special person to love and be loved by, the universe holds another good and compatible person who is available for them to make a life with — and God or the universe, whatever you may believe in, will help those people connect when they’re really ready to be honest with themselves about their need for this love, and open to loving someone who can love them and whom they can really be happy with.
I know it’s easy for me to say this now that I’m looking back on finding the right guy and getting married — but I really think that having that faith (in the midst of having all the natural, human doubts and anxieties, of course) was the key to my being able to relax enough to enjoy my life as a single woman, and enjoy falling in love when it happened. Good luck to you! I hope you’ll come back here and update us as things progress for you!
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“I firmly believe that for every good person who truly wants one special person to love and be loved by, the universe holds another good and compatible person who is available for them to make a life with — and God or the universe, whatever you may believe in, will help those people connect when they’re really ready to be honest with themselves about their need for this love”
Awwwwww. I have some cynical moments, but deep down, I believe that too. Thank you
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