With 50 Shades of Grey raking it in at the box office, I thought I’d explore why women love their rape fantasies. It’s over at Thought Catalog.
Here’s a true story to accompany the article: like any other red-blooded human being, I enjoy erotic fantasies and dreams. Perhaps owing to my very practical German blood, I have a hard time cheating on my husband, even in my imagination. The most common way for me to have imaginary, yet still guilt free sex with Chris Hemsworth or Ben Affleck (shut up, he’s handsome and I like his meathead persona), is to indulge in the rape fantasy.
It’s not my fault! It’s not really cheating! He made me do it!
The other way is to imagine that I am a widow, but I can’t just say presto, and make myself a widow. This only happens when I am asleep and dreaming. What starts out as a totally hot dream ends up with me startling awake, often in tears, because I’ve just imagined my husband’s death and attended his funeral.
Those dreams actually suck. I much prefer the rape fantasy.
I wonder if I am unusual? I don’t think so, and I have a hunch that a good number of real life “rapes” are not rapes at all, but cheating women covering up their infidelity, even if it has gone unnoticed. They are so guilt ridden, they want to confess, but not face any consequences. So the cheating becomes rape.
I’ve speculated on some other reasons women love rape fantasies, but for me, it’s about having imaginary sex without feeling guilty. I guess there’s a reason thou shalt not covet is such an ancient command?
Lots of love,
JB
judgybitch 
Honestly though. Saying “women love rape fantasies” is like saying “men rape women”. Both statements are missing the word “some”.
I liked when you collected evidence of misbehavior by feminist organizations. But lately these feel like clickbait articles on kotaku.
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No, you’re not at all unusual. In addition to the rape-idea being a way to minimize the guilt of mentally cheating, I think we do also like to fantasize about being completely overpowered due to some guy being so hot for us that he totally overrides our resistance. On some level, the totally selfish and uncaring guy who brutally takes what he wants with absolutely no concern for our feelings, is like the absolute macho-animal guy — fun to fantasize about but not someone we’d want to live with day-to-day and raise our kids with.
I know this because after the climax of the fantasy, I’m totally done with that guy and am ready to get back to my real life with the gentle, caring man I married and the kids we’re raising together. 🙂
It’s probably similar to some guy watching a porno tape about “Trixie doing the team,” and getting off on being one of the guys who does Trixie, but then climaxes and is completely done with Trixie and glad to be married to a nice woman.
I imagine that the women who choose BDSM want to make this fantasy as physically real as possible while still having a safe-word. As for me, I’m happy enough just letting it play out in my mind without really wanting to experience the physical reality of a rape. That said, I don’t criticize the couples that feel a need to make it real, and whose spouses or partners can handle playing the role of rapist.
As far as women cheating on their husbands and then fabricating a rape in their heads to assuage their guilt, I’m sure that it happens but I tend to think that it’s probably not “a good number” of women. I think most women are telling the truth about rape — that is, the ones who claim to have been literally forcibly raped, not the ones who didn’t even see it as a rape till they talked to a feminist. 🙂
Still, as I’ve often said here, I believe in treating anyone accused of any crime as innocent until proven guilty, which includes not publishing the name of an accused person unless they are convicted. And I’d like to drop the sex offender registry because everyone who’s served their time should have a chance to live in a neighborhood without vigilantes continually vandalizing their home and car and doing other crap to them and their families.
I think we have room to listen respectfully to victims (and, of course, it’s not disrespectful to ask simple questions to gather the necessary information to investigate a crime), and at the same time, to protect the rights of the accused. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Every person matters.
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The difference is that a much higher percentage of women like rape fantasies than men are rapists.
A rape FANTASY and actually wanting to be raped are two extraordinarily different things, of course.
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That’s Thought Catalog’s style. They choose the headlines.
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JB:
Yeah, but he’s also an incorrigible liberal, and once he’d raped you, you’d spend the next four hours listening to him drone on about how much he respects you and how global warming made him do it.
Susan:
…Or that one’s own sexual allure causes an otherwise rational man to lose self-control to such a degree that he casts his morals to the wind and even breaks the law of the land: he simply must have you, consequences be damned.
But hey, I’m only guessing: my own fantasies involve zero gravity and sugary foods.
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I enjoy these fantasies because dominance + desire is a turn-on. It is represented in an exaggerated, primal form.
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According to one study – sorry, no cite – 47% of women admit to having rape fantasies. Now, I have no idea of how the study was done, or what demographic was surveyed, but one thing you can count on: some women who said “No,” should have said “Yes.”
As one who has dabbled in Master/Sub and BDSM, um, relationships, I can tell you that every woman who I introduced bondage to loved it. And they were amazed at how much they loved it, partly psychologically and subsequent from that, orgasmically.
Who ARE these women, huh? Surely, a batch of mousy, insecure twats who never got the message about gender equality and not being submissive, right? Wrong. Academics who have studied such matters (I want that job!) and those within the community know that woman who are into “power exchange” are quite the opposite. Typically well educated, confident, career women. You have to be strong to be weak.
One such partner was the chief tech officer in several of America’s largest corporations you all know. We arrived at the conclusion that women like her are the proverbial “Type A’s,” existing with vaginas just like the ones with cocks. For them, it’s a relief to play the flip role of what their jobs require; be told what to do and remove any need for decision making. Just like in rape, real or fantasized.
That particular woman also believed that a lot of sexual unhappiness in modern society was because both men and women had been neutered by the constant equality message.
“Premise: Masculine is Active, Feminine is Receptive. Perfect set up for S&M, but in real life what has happened is the Active masculine has no direction and the Receptive feminine does not understand the power inherent in surrender. I think in martial arts they teach you how to fall, so you will not get hurt. Part of that training is to not resist, surrender and then you can transform the momentum to your advantage. Women need to embrace the purpose of their power and men need to realize they become more powerful with a willing partner. ”
BTW, she called the inexplicably popular book “Fifty Shades of Crap.” I tried reading it once, the critics are right, boring, repetitive. Shitty, shitty, literature, but at least it gave permission to a lot of women who didn’t acknowledge their submissive selves.
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Wow, SM guy, I didn’t realize how many women actually liked that. I’ve never gone in that direction, intentionally, but when my gf was being annoying in bed one day, we wrestled, hard, for a couple hours, I finally got a tie from my robe and bound her hands behind her back. She smiled. Finally I could just kiss her. I was feeling kind of guilty and strange as I did this, because I’m a guy, and the last thing most guys want is to be helpless, I think. But, girls seem to be able to relax and enjoy if they feel this way, as if the answer to “who is actually the boss” has been settled in their minds.
Now that I remember it, she didn’t really struggle much when I was tying her hands behind her back.
Maybe women of this generation are actually still waiting for their men to step up and be the boss. While struggling like mad against it. However, it seems that men have been told they are filthy, evil, violent, selfish, actually just include every single bad word in the history of all languages times ten, if they ever assert themselves.
So. Now that I realize that some women actually like to be tied up, or controlled, the thought is actually entering my mind of introducing that idea to whomever I date next. I have been male so long that it has been hard to wrap my mind around the fact that the anti-male drivel isn’t actually true in this case.
I thought it was just weirdos and deviants with a thirst for control who were into bondage. Turns out that it, like all other non-harmful sex play, is just another flavor that some people who are normal, and healthy, like. And, evidently, a LOT more women than admit it.
And, I’m physically about four times stronger than the average guy, so I have never felt like any woman wasn’t under control, by any means. Perhaps I should be a bit rougher, or controlling when in her arms. I have just never felt the need to demonstrate the patently obvious. But, maybe like love, strength that is never expressed also goes unappreciated.
And, to the women who have rape fantasies: How about your own husband fulfilling that? The only ingredient needed is for him to know you ARE actually enjoying it, because it is a disgusting turn-off to think your wife is not enjoying what you’re doing to her. For me, as for almost every man on Earth, the idea of rape is truly, deeply repulsive, causing physical revulsion. But, if women do enjoy being overpowered, then, when I get married, that will definitely be something that I ensure is available.
And tying her down with some soft cords, too.
So, what you were saying was that women don’t even admit it to themselves that they like being controlled and helpless, but with some coaching, can be brought to do so.
No wonder I am still not (re) married. I have had SO much to learn. Why aren’t our dads teaching us this stuff?
JBU, the school where we learn how to be real men.
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This sex stuff IS so complex, isn’t it? Almost anyone, male or female, with a few miles on the sex odometer has had the experience of “make up” sex. Explosive! I think it’s a cousin to rape fantasies/BDSM/DomSub/etc.
It helps to have the implements at hand. Giving away my age, I had a waterbed frame. I screwed in eye hooks behind the boards. Invisible unless one got down on the floor and looked. Old, nonthreatening silk ties in the closet a few feet away.
Because, bottom line, I’m a gentleman, I’ve never been able to get into extreme pain or physical abuse. But there is a huge gray zone – no reference to those poor excuses for literature books about shades of gray – of acceptable pain for any couple. Every couple needs to find their special “sweet zone.”
Our 100,000 years ago ancestors did not dwell on equality issues, or what is right. The male took, the female acquiesced, it was understood that this was the natural order.
Rape fantasies, BDSM, all harken back to those simple understandings.
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On Rape Fantasy as the inevitable twin of Rape Culture:
https://innegative.wordpress.com/2014/12/06/rape-culture-extreme-pornography-sexuality-anti-feminism-pizzey-elam-mra/
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Oh my! I just saw the funniest video and had to share it with you guys, so I looked for the most appropriate thread.
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