As I mentioned yesterday, here is the new Thought Catalog piece I wrote.
Being legally married is like having a loaded gun in my hand. I can choose not to pull the trigger, but ultimately his life is in my hands, and that is unfair. No one should have the right to destroy another person, but legal marriage gives women exactly that power. 70% of young men in the US are unmarried, and for the 30% who went ahead and put a ring on it? Good luck. Here are 5 reasons no man should consider getting married, and one reason he might.
The comments should be interesting.
judgybitch 
Amen, sister. I can’t think of a single more shaky investment in a man’s future and overall life goals than to hand it all over to someone else who, statistically speaking, might very well feel entitled to take, ruin and burn if he doesn’t live up to her expectations. Until the courts are less heavily weighted against men, I’ll have none of it.
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I tell all my friends they’re not thinking when they get married. People ask me if working in the divorce field has skewed my perspective of marriage – I say no I already felt skeptical from looking at reality, and doing a simple risk/reward analysis. Working in the field, though, It is fascinating to see the level of complexity bringing the government into your bedroom creates.
Prenups don’t eliminate the risk of a costly divorce litigation. If your spouse is litigious and/or dishonest, prenups may feasibly increase the cost of litigating a divorce if the spouse challenges the agreement – you’re effectively facing 2 trials instead of one.
In my own relationships, I find there’s realness that comes with being unmarried – the knowledge that my girlfriend may walk away at any time, yet chooses to be with me. When I decide I want children, and find what I’m looking for in a partner and future mother of my children, my views may evolve. The state I work in has many groups making strides in parenting equality and financial matters after divorce. 50/50 timesharing is currently almost presumed in our courts, and alimony reform is coming quickly.
Though I’m finding that many women feel entitled to marriage, yet don’t feel that they need to contribute any “put the other person first” type efforts to demonstrate they are worthy to be the mother of my children. “I’m a catch, if you don’t want to marry me then someone else will.” Yes, I’m aware; and look at those divorce rate statistics!
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With common law in Canada its really unfortunate because you’ll get lumped into the same category as legal marriage after a certain time of living with a partner. Not sure if this law (or something like it) exists in the USA, but it basically defeats the purpose of not getting legally married. I know people who didn’t know of common law and got dinged with “divorce” settlements and such.. Its a shame and a sham.
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What can I say JB, I’m having what people call an “emotional affair” with you right now. I’m sure if you really knew me the feeling would be mutual 🙂
Bravo! Not just for the content of this post, but for you’re own personal insights in your own marriage and the courage and honesty to say anything at all, let alone doing it in such an effective way. You have a beautiful spirit. You can’t hide that behind your “bitchy” moniker.
The comments will be interesting. There are only a few sacred cows left and marriage is one of them.
A few thoughts for you. One is based on this idea of marriage and “risk” for men. It’s coming up here in the comments. Someone even threw in the word “investment”. We all “risk” our human energy, love, emotion, etc. in relationships. Those relationships can be greatly beneficial or fail miserably. At the end of the day we put ourselves at “risk” in relationships because there can be a special reward (love) associated with them. This can all be done without marriage. Consider that marriage for men doesn’t really carry with it “risk”. Why? There is really no upside. Marriage for men can be better categorized as sacrifice or fleecing.
Also, sure, I suppose marriage entails what some might consider a “benefit” with regard to children. I do find this assertion dubious, however. Consider that the link between husband and father in marriage is meant more to obligate said father to pay, rather than to provide parenting rights. In addition, any perceived benefit here must be weighed against the fact that the obligation I speak of pertains potentially to some other guy’s child, as well. This is all a wash, at best.
As an aside, by accident I started watching Turner Classic Movies (TCM). And I’ve been having my mind blown. Why? Many of the movies they show are from the 30s – 50s, in the era of censors. Anyone interested in traditional gender roles, marriage, the role of the church, etc. The traditionalist lifestyle is lionized to such an extent I can only see it as propaganda. I’ll never see traditionalist arguments on marriage, traditional roles, homemakers, “pair bonding”, etc. the same way again. I do believe that what many people’s thoughts on what is natural, necessary, and even evolutionary are likely a result of social engineering and propaganda, rather than any type of science. To see the evolution of movies from the 50s and through the 60s and 70s is amazing.
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Common law marriage is much less of a problem here in the U.S. It may be possible, however, that our so-called “child” support formulas make up for it.
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With respect to children, the brutal reality is that if you are legally married, you risk being forced to support a child you only see a few days a month. If you are not married, you risk being forced to support that child and NEVER see him or her. Two unbelievably unjust and unfair choices, but those ARE the choices. I’m describing them, not agreeing with them. I would like to see shared parenting as the legal presumption.
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I made the mistake once and I’m still paying for it, on several axes. I might be tempted to marry again, but never to an american woman, and certainly not under american jurisdiction.
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10:4. “Brutal reality”, “unjust and unfair”, yep, that sums it up.
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A correction:
“Getting legally married is like betting half your stuff she won’t cheat on you.”
More and more states are moving towards no-fault divorce which essentially means that she can cheat on you, ruin the marriage, and still get half your assets and have you assume half her debt. Scary.
“No matter what she contributed, or did not contribute to the marriage, half of your stuff is hers.”
You pointed this out but it bears repeating. Not only half of your stuff, but ALSO if she came into the marriage with any debt, guess what, half of that is now yours on top of it. As if that’s not enough, you might give her half your assets, begin paying on your half of her debt, and no top of it (if you have kids) you’ll be paying a rather large amount to not see your kids very often and not necessarily have child support money go towards the kids!
Imagine when her shithead husband gets to spend time around your kids while your ex spends your child support money on him.
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Judgy, I liked your piece. I don’t disagree with your basic premise at all, but this one sentence jumped out at me, “All things considered, marriage is a shit deal for men.” It can be, but not necessarily. Married men can live longer, have more sex, companionship, intimacy, children, enjoy better mental and physical health.
That idea, that marriage is a bad deal for men, is something that I think women, wives, need to be aware of. There’s a sacrifice men make for marriage and as such we need to treat them as if they have given us a gift, as if there is a debt there. The more we value and appreciate husbands, the more honor we pour into them, the more respect they feel. The more respect they feel, the more they know they are loved and that is just not something you can ever hope to have outside of marriage.
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Choice #3 (and the one I prefer): Don’t have kids and don’t get married. 🙂
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My heart gives a little whimper for the kids who didn’t get to have a Daddy like you. I understand why, but waaaaah …. so many good men who would have made such wonderful fathers…. all wasted…..
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And yet women bitch about men not wanting to marry. lol. Gee, I wonder why? Because you cunts, you can STEAL anything and everything you like (even my kids!) at your WHIM. To them that means men are just “immature”. Yeah, right cunts. If the sexes were reversed you’d be screaming at the top fo your lungs about sexism. Fucking hypocrites. No WAY am I going to be some cunt’s slave. No thanks.
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Women need to read this and take it literally. Sadly, it’s going to make an impact only on the ones capable of empathy.
I had a thought that relates to your situation. While women’s magazines are constantly running articles about how to foster commitment in menm it’s the reverse that is needed. What’s kept the two of you together has been your commitment.
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“Married men can live longer, have more sex, companionship, intimacy, children, enjoy better mental and physical health.”
Trad con social engineering and propaganda die hard. Sure, married men may live longer, have more sex, etc. but (here’s the key) IT’S NOT BECAUSE THEY GOT MARRIED. Married men are generally healthier, richer, better looking, etc., which made them attractive partners in the first place.
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Female hypergamy combined with the political system tends to do that. It’s like pouring gasoline on an already blazing fire.
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I just don’t understand what you gain from being married. The law/state has no place in personal relationships.
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Exactly.
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For me personally, it marked an important social and emotional milestone – the beginning of a new, and permanent life, committed to the man I love. I can see now that there is no reason for that to be formalized with a legal agreement, but neither of us understood that at the time. We could have had the ceremony, exchanged rings, said our vows and never have involved the state at all.
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Where I live, common law, even simply having a child in common, provides women with the same legal rights as one would have within marriage. Ironically, men who are actually married may well fair better in the event of a divorce.
Men who did not marry are perceived as having failed to take responsibility and often assigned even more punitive financial responsibilities. They can also be entangled in paternity court for years, because without marriage, the implication that the children are his is now absent. He is left struggling to prove they are his, struggling to prove he has provided for them, struggling to prove he has a right to that relationship.
So common law, not such a protection at all and a concept that is spreading across the states at any rate.
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You just summarized the one reason I put forward that a man might want to legally marry, if he has children.
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@Janet: Why don’t you and your husband just iron out a domestic partner contract that does not allow for alimony, sole custody of children, unfair distribution of assets, and then get a legal divorce? Your lives could go on the same only the metaphoric ax hanging over your husband’s head is now absent. Is this something you would ever consider?
This would shut up the naysayers who accuse you of being a trad-con.
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Okay, but listen to the words you speak over yourselves when you say such things. When you say, “married men are generally healthier, richer, better looking” you are implying that unmarried men are not, that divorced men are not, as if only men were better looking, richer, healthier they would have greater success. That implies blame and then shame, as if men are somehow totally responsible for the problems with marriage within our society. It is actually not that simple, there are numerous other factors working against people.
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We have actually investigated legal divorce and establishing child support, while continuing to live as we do. We would be much better off financially if we did so, which is absurd, but true. He could transfer part of his income to me in the form of child support, and we could both claim lower amounts on income tax, resulting in lower taxes for our whole family. Getting divorced is a way to legally split our income (which is his income) and pay lower taxes. That is simply crazy, but it’s true. We’re not sure if that would constitute fraud though, so we need to check.
As for naysayers, I don’t really give a shit what they think. I would never go through with a divorce to appease them. I would do it to protect my husband.
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“We could have had the ceremony, exchanged rings, said our vows and never have involved the state at all.”
Exactly that. It actually scares me a little bit how eager people are to have their personal relationships validated by the state. Very big-brother like.
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He is saying that rich, good-looking, fit and healthy men are more likely to get Married in the first place.
The most obvious example is money I think. So Married men earn more than single men do they? Gee I wonder why……..
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On behalf of cunts everywhere, “Whew, what a relief!”
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It’s certainly a relief for me to avoid marriage. 🙂
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I’d also like to see men who don’t have joint custody at least have the leverage of being able to withhold support when visitation is denied. That would allow them to go on to be able to afford having children of their own with women they love and whom they choose to start families with rather than watch their fertile / parenting years waste away while financing a casual sex partner’s decision to be a single mother.
Blue collar men in particular often find their ability to have families of their own delayed or destroyed by our current system of child support. It’s obscene.
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And the number of men who have been so victimized numbers in the tens of millions in the United States alone.
All, apparently, so that women can be more unhappy, and children less well off in every way conceivable, than at any time since we’ve been numerically assessing such things.
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Seems entirely likely, not to mention amenable to simple thought experiments such as: Take a pool of one thousand men. The least healthy, able, and capable one hundred men from that pool will share a large amount of overlap with the one hundred men least likely to marry.
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I am in a cohabitation with a slut 20 years younger than me. She fucks around all she wants, but I do either (with hookers). So I have all the hookers I want otuside and the slut at home. She is OK with it.
Well, my girlfriend is a slut, true, but she does not denies me sex (in fact, the more she fucks around the more horny at home she gets), she cooks and she makes her 50% with home issues and duties. And she earns her own money.
She cannot trap me with children cuz I shoot blanks and she knows it (one upon a time she did not) and she tried to scam once she got prego around. So she is not only a slut but a whore. But I forgive her cuz she is very hot and a good girl, after all… and I am weak, and I spoil her cu z she is kind of a “daughter figure” to me.
So, happily cohabiting.
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Most men want to be fathers and most women want to be mothers. I very much wanted to marry and have children – I believe very strongly nature is set up that way. Happy loving marriages which produced happy well adjusted children have been the foundation on which a strong country and society have been built for millennia. Dad goes to work and Mom stays home and raises the kids. I have never been able to understand why any woman would have a kid and, rather than raise her own child, would farm the kid out to a daycare to be raised by some stranger who does not care about the kid and certainly will not be invested in the child’s well being and development like the kid’s own mother would be. Don’t hand me that old “We need two incomes to survive” shit. Forego the new SUV and the designer stilettos – stay home and look after your kid! Women have been brainwashed into believing some mundane shit job will “fulfill” them and make their existence utopia, never stopping to think the brainwashing occurred so the Government could double the income tax take. I don’t think there will ever be “stay at home Dads” because our society is not advanced and developed enough and never will be. A Dad who stayed home and raised his kids would be viewed as a lazy dead beat looser. The nuclear family has pretty much been destroyed. THANK YOU FEMINISM!!
I would be a great Father. I know I would. Children are human beings, not fashion accessories or exotic pets. Kids need a Dad and a Mom. Marriage for men today means giving a woman the perfectly legal right to destroy a man and turn his children against him on a whim. I have seen this time and time again and will never marry or have children because of it. Again, THANK YOU FEMINISM!! This, combined with the sickening sense of privilege, crude, vulgar, nasty, bigoted behavior displayed by so many women, along with their endless victimhood, outrageous demands, and out of control entitlement and living in a society where men are devalued, disrespected, and disregarded makes marriage a loosers game.
70% of young men are unmarried. WOW, I knew the figure was high,. I didn’t think it was that high, but I can certainly understand why.
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