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Woody Allen and the Court of Public Opinion

12 Feb

woody

Let me say straight up that Woody Allen revolts me. Looking at him gives me the same feeling that stepping in a gob of snot with my bare feet might evoke.

Ewww.

Gross.

Ick.

Barf.

Repulsive little toad of a man. It’s not his littleness that offends me. It’s the whole snivelling ingratiating pseudo-intellectual package.

Ugh.

I hate Woody Allen. If it came down to me and Woody Allen as the last two people on earth humanity would be over.

And do you know what all of that is evidence of?

Nothing.

My feelings about Woody Allen and his epic un-fuckability are not evidence of anything. The most common word to describe the feeling Woody evokes is creepiness. I think he’s a creep. A man I do not want to fuck. Sexual attention from him would simultaneously disgust and infuriate me.

As if, you little toad.

I think a lot of women are as viscerally disgusted by Woody Allen as I am, but rather than understand that their feelings are their feelings, they are using those feelings to convict Woody Allen of child molestation in the courts of public opinion.

The case is complicated by several factors. Let’s take them one at a time.

Woody Allen married one of his previous lover’s children.

Soon-Yi Previn. Previn. Not Soon-Yi Allen. Woody may have been in a long term relationship with Soon-Yi’s mother Mia Farrow, but he was not her father. Soon-Yi says she never thought of him as her father. He was her mother’s boyfriend and eventually became her husband.

That hits lots of women hard. The idea of being usurped not just by a much younger woman, but by your own daughter carries a sharp barb. It stings. Getting tossed for a younger woman always stings. The fact that older men have sexual access to younger women is something that pisses off lots of women.

No fair! Men value beauty and youth and use their own assets of wealth and power to access that resource and there is fuck all older women can do about it other than piss and moan. Well, older women can also try not to be fat bitches, but that’s asking a lot, isn’t it?

The fact that Woody married Soon-Yi (a marriage that has lasted 15 years and counting) is not evidence of anything other than Woody apparently likes to live dangerously. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Dylan Farrow remembers being abused by Woody

I have no doubt that Dylan Farrow believes she was abused by Woody Allen but that doesn’t make it true. False memories are very real and Dylan was so young at the time the abuse allegedly occurred she would have been particularly prone to incorporating those memories as fact.

This is precisely the reason we have courts of justice in the first place. The accusation carries such serious consequences that we must be completely unwilling to convict unless evidence beyond a reasonable doubt is presented. Dylan’s case was investigated and prosecutors declined to pursue charges against Woody.

Does that make him innocent?

Er, yes. Yes it does. No one is guilty of a crime, any crime, until they have been convicted in a court of law full stop. The alternative is vigilante justice and kangaroo courts and those tend not to work out very well for anyone.

The question is not did Woody Allen molest Dylan Farrow? The question is has Woody Allen been convicted of abusing Dylan Farrow?

He has not. Dylan’s accusation that Hollywood is lauding a child molester carries no weight because we do not give weight to feelings when it comes to crimes of this magnitude. Feelings are not relevant. Facts are.

Mia Farrow is a piece of work

So, at 24 years of age herself, Mia had an affair with a 40 year old musician that resulted in her becoming pregnant, Andre Previn’s marriage ending and Andre’s wife Dory ending up on a psych ward getting electroshock therapy.

Yeah, sure, Mia. Tell us how offended you are by younger women doing a bit of husband stealing.

Her Valentine’s Day card to Woody in 1992 is charming, no?

vday card

And letting Woody know through the media that she fucked Frank Sinatra and Ronan just might be Frank’s baby is super classy.

Mia Farrow also testified on behalf Roman Polanski who pled guilty to having sex with an underage girl. But somehow that one was okay. Mia had nothing to say about Polanski taking home the Oscar for The Pianist.

This all smacks of sour fucking grapes to me. Mia can’t stand the fact the that Woody has gone on to lead a happy and productive life without her.

Our favorite little feminist harpy Amanda Marcotte would like to see a new preponderance of evidence standard applied to men like Woody Allen. Why? Because creepy sleazy assholes make her feel feelings that are bad feelings and that is unacceptable.

More to the point, it’s worth saying to yourself that if a guy that creeps people out and is known for crossing boundaries that often is accused of rape—or if a guy who is a sleazy asshole who emotionally abuses his girlfriend/wife in front of others and who she seems to be scared of is accused of hitting her—it really, truly is okay to cut the strings and let him go and offer your support to the accuser instead. Doing so isn’t taking away his freedom.

In other words, consult your feelings and convict away. Shun that guy. He’s creepy! Always believe the victim. Tell her you support her unconditionally and there is no need for irritating little things like evidence and convictions.

There, there, sweetie pie. Did that bad man hurt you? We’ll ruin his life and make it all better for you.

Gee. What could possibly go wrong?

Ultimately, I don’t know if Woody Allen is a child molester. What I do know is the fact that he repulses me physically, married a younger woman and behaves in a way that I feel is creepy is not evidence of anything other than my own personal feelings.

Feelings are not evidence.

I refuse to see Woody Allen films because I find him a snivelling asshat who is not the slightest bit charming or appealing to me. I don’t like him.

By some miracle, I am able to live in a world with men I don’t want to fuck without declaring them guilty of some crime. I can be repulsed by Woody and still be capable of some objectivity when it comes to deciding if he is guilty of a heinous crime. I can find him stupid and annoying and be insulted by his preference for younger women and still consider him innocent until proven guilty.

Because ultimately, I am not owed a world filled with hot men who conform to my personal ideas about charm and wit and appeal.

It is not a crime for a man to not appeal to me.

And until Woody Allen is convicted in a court of law, I will not call him a child molester.

I will however call him an ugly skinny irritating little motherfucker.

Because he is.

And that’s not a crime.

Lots of love,

JB

Yoo hoo! Hey all you career ladies with no time for a husband! And all you single mamas! And all you older ladies hitting the wall! I have the solution to all your man-hunting woes!

28 Apr

If you’re on the market for some serious scientific data to support your hypotheses about various types of human behavior (or anything else, for that matter), you need only look as far as Yahoo!  They do surveys!  With people!  They met on the Internet!  Why don’t we just let Yahoo take charge of ALL the science!?!

yahoo

Take this “study”, for example:  more than 40 per cent of single men and women simply don’t have time to search out their soul-mates.

Hey, n = 1000.  Good enough!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-184511/Workaholics-busy-love.html

Okay, I’m just poking fun at my source material, but there is quite a bit of conversation surrounding the fact that high-powered careers leave little time for the pursuit of happiness, and this is a cause of consternation amongst the ladies in particular.  Why, some of them even feel guilty for thinking that a relationship with a man might be nice!

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/women-in-their-20s-shouldnt-feel-bad-about-wanting-a-boyfriend/273737/

God forbid you should suggest that women use their time at college to look for a husband though!  That’s just straight up oppression and misogyny!

http://jezebel.com/princeton-mom-feminists-are-bullies-women-in-their-30-476587551

Never mind that fact that college educated men aren’t the only ones worth pursuing! Ssssh.  We’re not talking about that. NO MEN EVER are worth pursuing.  If life isn’t about YOU and ONLY YOU, you’re doing it wrong.

ssh

http://judgybitch.com/2013/03/30/hey-ivy-league-ladies-if-you-want-to-marry-up-you-need-to-marry-young-so-get-out-there-and-nail-down-a-freshman/

luggage

And it doesn’t get any easier for single moms, either.  In some shocking news, ladies who come with more baggage than Heathrow’s Terminal One have a hard time snagging (the next) Mr. Right.  Nothing says “Pick me! Pick me!” like a long string of really poor decisions and a complete lack of self-reflection.

http://necolebitchie.com/2008/01/07/13-reasons-to-avoid-dating-single-mothers/

And once you reach that “certain age” and are hitting the wall in terms of looks and fertility, well, oof!  The search for Prince Charming just took a turn to GoodFuckingLucksVille.

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/sex/story/0,,1051274,00.html

The key to dating after 35 is to treat the entire process as a kind of mergers and acquisitions deal.

book

Greenwald is the hottest thing to hit America’s dating scene since Sex and the City. She is a slick graduate of the elite Harvard Business School who believes the ruthless rules of commerce can be applied to the hunt for a mate. Out go roses, chocolates and eyes meeting across a crowded room. In come ‘branding’ and ‘marketing’. Romance may not be dead inside this room, but it certainly seems to have gone corporate.

Oh my god, that is so romantic!  I can see the men lining up for a shot at one of these lasses.  The queue must go right around the block, assuming we’re talking about a lego block.

lego

But never fear ladies!  JudgyBitch is here to share her incomparable brilliance relating to bag of rocks stupid women who have no clue what men want or what will make them happy.

rocks

The solution to all your man-hunting woes is….

polygamy

POLYGAMY!

Bear with me now.

Let’s start with the busy busy busy worker bees.  Life is long, but the days are short, dammit, and there is just no realistic way to work 60 hour weeks as the senior editor of a fashion magazine (or whatever pointless fucking thing you’re doing, because it sure as hell isn’t likely to be curing cancer), fit in trips to the salon and the masseuse, get to yoga class, have drinks with the girls three nights a week, do some shopping, attend mandatory therapy sessions, update your Pinterest board and your status on Facebook AND have time for a man, too.

It’s just too much.  Overwhelming!  And obviously, you need priorities.  But the solution is so simple!  Let’s say you, and two or three of your best girls, get together with your laptops and compile your perfect man.  Locate the qualities that overlap in your mutual lists (Venn diagrams are helpful), and then find yourselves a man that meets at least one criteria for each of you and SHARE THAT MAN LIKE A LEMON MERINGUE PIE.

Important aside: best pie chart ever:

pie

It’s a win-win situation.  You all have money and can take care of your own bills.  Maybe you could chuck a cardboard box in the bottom of one of the closets for him to keep some stuff in on the days he’s YOUR husband, although a sturdy backpack might be a better option.  He doesn’t need to leave ANY shit at your place at all.

backpack

Men like variety, and have been known to get really sick of putting up with women’s shit on a day to day basis, and since you’re all special and unique individuals, it’s unlikely you’ll all be pulling the exact SAME shit, so he gets a welcome break (not from shit, just from YOUR shit).

http://sexliestruth.blogspot.ca/2011/04/sexual-variety-is-spice-of-life.html

Shouldn’t be too much work to write an algorithm that allows each of you to have one weekday and one weekend day with your husband, and for the rest of the time, you are as free as a little jaybird!

divide

Win-win, and you’re welcome!

Now, for the single mothers. Well, you have all gone and fucked yourselves quite nicely.  But hope is not lost!  Polygamy can work for you, too!  You’re probably going to be in need of a little cash to go with your shared sausage, so you’ll be hunting for a different sort of man.  He’ll need to be rich, or at least capable of supporting you partially, in addition to his first wife and family.

trailer

If you’re living in a trailer park in Arkansas, we’re not talking Donald Trump. A good solid middle class salary ought to suffice. Sadly, you won’t have the same kind of equality of status that the career ladies have.  You’ll have to settle for being the lesser wife.  Hierarchies suck, especially when you’re at the bottom, but you probably should have considered that BEFORE you decided to become a single mama.

You’ll have to focus on the BENEFITS.  First, your children will have some sort of male role model, and you should never, ever discount the importance of that.  Children need their fathers, and if they can’t have their OWN fathers, then someone else’s will have to do.  It’s better than nothing.  Second, you’ll have some help with the bills.  Becoming a single mother goes hand in hand with poverty, but apparently the meaning of the word poverty has been lost somewhere in translation, because millions of women continue to opt for that life, for both themselves and their children.

http://www.policymic.com/articles/11316/27-3-of-single-parent-households-live-in-poverty

And third, you will have a real, honest to god, flesh and blood husband!  You won’t have him full time obviously, and your scheduled times will be at the whim of the primary wife, but again, it’s better than nothing.  Think of how nice it will be for your husband, who doesn’t have to worry about all the bullshit intricacies and the tangled webs of infidelity and stepping out.  He can step out whenever he likes!  With his OTHER wife!

And if you’re smart, you’ll be sure to suck up hard to the Primary Wife, because she just might decide to babysit while you have your time with your shared husband.  How perfect is that?  Father figure for your child, a little extra cash, a man of your (sort of) own and a built in babysitter.

I’m a goddamn genius, I tell you.

And now for the older ladies.  The lonely cougars with aching ovaries who just left the whole husband and kids thing a little too late. Polygamy is your blessing, too.  Like the single mamas, you will have to accept a slightly downgraded status in terms of where you rank on the wife scale, but that’s not such a big price to pay, is it?  The alternative is life as a cat lady, so I think not.

cat lady

The older ladies, provided they have minded the shape of their ass and have cultivated at least SOME sexual skills can bring the pleasures of variety to a man minus all the difficulties of infidelity, and they have an outside shot at confirming his virility by producing that last heir.  And it’s not like you’d be a single mother, for goodness sakes!  Being a second (or third, or fourth) wife is still being a wife.

Polygamy:  just one giant win!  The ladies get a man, and all the benefits that come with that, and the men get a variety of booties to hit without all the drama that comes with cheating.  Obviously, there won’t be any drama of any kind in these sorts of arrangements, right?  What could the source of conflict be?  Maybe some scheduling squabbles?  Well, Christ, a good iPhone app can deal with that.  If McDonald’s can get that Happy Meal on the tray in under three minutes, you can figure out how to divide your time between a couple of families.

happy

Divorced folks do it all the time, just without the benefits of continued sex.  Easy peasy.

And if you think this whole post has just been one giant joke, you need to read this:

http://www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/newsreview/features/article1248019.ece

Polygamy is the new face of Britain.  Can the rest of the Western world be far behind?

What can possibly go wrong?  Riddle me that.

Lots of love,

JB

They did it!

3 Apr

I have a proper post coming, but I wanted to let my readers know that the engineering team, led by CleverGuy, got their printer working!

Ta-da!

rhomball

They tightened all the moving parts (vibrations could have been knocking the resin loose), shortened the cure time and reprogrammed the software to lay down a larger base area so that subsequent slices would have a larger surface to adhere to.

And it worked!

The silicon screen was Plan B, but Plan A was tickety-boo, so no further action required.

Congratulations, guys!

Three more members in the fellowhip of the rings.

rings

Lots of love,

JB

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