This is what domestic violence looks like

Every word of this story, sadly, is absolutely true.

 

 

Mr. JB has been friends with Dr.K for well over 20 years. Dr.K is an extremely accomplished man. He is a surgeon and he regularly travels around the world to train other surgeons in techniques he has developed to treat a relatively common but often lethal situation. He lives in a modest sized town at the edge of a large rural population, and he is not only the head of his area of surgical specialization, but whenever ANYONE in his swath of the woods sustains the injury he treats, he is consulted. His responsibilities are enormous and he saves lives, every day.

 

Shortly after me and Mr.JB married, Dr.K met a woman. Beauty is also a doctor, but not a surgeon. They met at the hospital where they both work, and over time, developed a relationship. Beauty isn’t really a beauty, but she has the most extraordinary hair, and ladies, NEVER underestimate the awesome power of your hair. Natural light auburn ringlets that fall in a cascade of shimmering fire down to her waist. Probably the most beautiful hair I’ve ever seen.

 

 

Dr.K had a bucket list of all the qualities he wanted in a wife, and she seemed increasingly perfect.

 

Accomplished? Check

Physically fit and attractive? Check

Devoted to him? Check

Prepared to be a stay at home wife and mother? Check

 

Yes, she’s a doctor, trained at enormous expense by the state, but her first obligation is to any children she might have, and she planned, and did, take more than a decade off of work, and I don’t fault her for that, but it does piss me off to listen to her whine about the “wage gap”. The wage gap exists because YOU TOOK A DECADE OFF while your male counterparts worked 70 hour weeks!

 

http://www.avoiceformen.com/video/wage-gap-debunked/

 

But that’s another story.

 

So Dr.K and Beauty married. I had a very small baby at the time so I didn’t go to the wedding but Mr. JB did and he said it was pretty much unanimous that Beauty was bat shit fucking insane and that Dr.K was making a huge mistake. When he said “I do” all his friends shook their heads in sorrow, but I don’t think any of them could guess just how bad the situation would become.

 

 

They had three children in very quick succession and by the time the third child had arrived, Dr.K knew he was in deep trouble. His first clue was that he was not permitted to speak to his children. No really. Beauty’s first language is not English and she wanted the children to be bilingual. Fair enough. Dr.K does not speak any language OTHER than English, but Beauty forbid a word of English to be spoken in the house.

 

When Dr.K told me this, my response was “tell her to fuck off”. Seriously? Who forbids a grown-up from speaking to HIS OWN CHILDREN? Dr.K said that he if he tried to discuss the situation with Beauty, she would keep him up all night screaming and railing and crying, and for a surgeon, that’s a disaster with the potential to cost someone’s life.

 

 

So he gave in to her. He accepted her edict. His children do not know a word of English and cannot speak to their father.

 

Beauty is also insanely controlling with the children. They are not permitted to have a glass of water if it is not water drinking time. Beauty has them on a schedule that would make the commanders of the Israeli army proud. This actually upsets Dr.K enormously. He is deeply worried that she is crushing their very souls. She permits them no decision-making abilities at all. Dr.K thinks she is making them crazy. As crazy as she is.

 

Dr.K is not allowed to participate in his children’s lives in any meaningful way. He has never given them a bath (7:15 to 7:25 PM EVERY NIGHT), he has never taken them to the park. They have never been to the movies, to the zoo or to the country for a picnic.

 

 

And again, there was no possibility of discussing any of this with Beauty. All that would earn Dr.K was a night with a shrieking, raging wife and a surgery scheduled for the morning. Over the course of the years, it seemed obvious that the only solution was divorce. I am the last person in the world to advocate for divorce where there are children involved, but Dr.K is in an abusive relationship, and that is the only acceptable reason to head to the courts.

 

Dr.K picked a weekend when he was not on call and just before sitting down to dinner, he broached the subject of permanently ending their misery.

 

Here is what happened:

 

Beauty hurled a heavy stoneware plate at his head and severed his carotid artery near his temple. Both being doctors, they were able to deal with a situation that could very well have been fatal.

 

 

Beauty then picked up the phone and threatened to dial police emergency. She said that she would tell the police Dr.K had been beating her. He would be arrested and spend the weekend in jail. Dr.K is well known enough that he would likely make the news. His reputation would be destroyed. He would forever be the doctor who beat his wife, no matter what happened. The fact that Dr.K is fit and strong and Beauty is a tiny little thing would automatically convict Dr.K in the public’s mind.

 

And Beauty knew it.

 

So what did Dr.K do? Nothing. He stayed. In fact, Beauty insisted on having a fourth child, and if Dr.K tried the whole “not tonight dear, I have a headache”, she would keep him up all night screaming and it was just easier to comply. Dr. K told Mr.JB the day his fourth child was born was the saddest day of his life.

 

Is Dr.K innocent in all of this? Sadly, I don’t think he is. He should have walked out and taken his kids a long time ago. But a decade of constant, unending abuse from his wife has left him a broken man. And the simple truth is that the price for him to rescue his children, and himself, is devastatingly high. He WILL spend at least a night in jail, and probably more. He WILL be vilified in the press and spend the rest of his life living under the cloud of suspicion. He WILL have his reputation as a surgeon compromised and a google search will always turn him up as an accused abuser.

 

 

Still, he often dreams of going ahead with the divorce anyways. He has consulted lawyers and has a good grasp of what the financial consequences will be. More or less total destruction. She will be awarded custody and even if he fights, the best he can hope for is 50%. His lawyers have advised him that he is unlikely to be awarded 50% custody, given his work schedule and frequent travelling.

 

In other words, he is well and truly fucked. And he lives every day of his life with a woman who threatens him, who berates him, who mentally tortures him and rapes him. Yes, she rapes him. Sex is coerced because the alternative is to endure sleep deprivation and haranguing and endless agony.

 

I’m not sure what Dr.K will do. Mr. JB and I just pray it doesn’t involve him putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger.

The reality is that Dr.K is trapped. The even more brutal reality is that any woman can do this to any man, and face no consequences. I could do this to Mr.JB, if I wanted to. I have the power to do so.

 

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. When marriage has been turned into a vehicle that allows women absolute control over men, is it any wonder that the institution has become so corrupt, and men are simply refusing to play along?

 

Until we accept that domestic violence occurs evenly between men and women, until we accept that women can be the perpetrators and men the victims, until we refuse to mock men who ARE victims, until we accept that fathers are as vital to children as mothers, men like Dr.K will be powerless to save themselves, or their children.

 

 

And women like Beauty will continue to believe that they are entitled to behave any way they like, because they will face no consequences for their actions. This is why there is such a thing as a men’s rights movement.

 

Hey, does anyone have $10 they can spare? Oh, good. Give it to these people, who are fighting to make sure Dr.K doesn’t end up dead by his own hand, and Beauty won’t long have the power of destruction.

 

Front Page

 

All the forces in the world are not so powerful as an idea whose time has come.

Victor Hugo

 

Lots of love,

 

JB

 

 

Mandatory reproduction? We already have that. For men.

 

 

A few days ago, I wrote about the draft and women being compelled to reproduce as a moral equivalent.

 

http://judgybitch.com/2013/01/25/those-who-deny-freedom-to-others-deserve-it-not-for-themselves-abraham-lincoln/

 

So obviously I’ve been thinking about reproductive rights lately, and specifically, men’s reproductive rights. I don’t think there can be any honest debate about women’s reproductive rights. They must have them, in all circumstances, with no exceptions of any kind.

 

http://judgybitch.com/2012/10/19/yes-abortion-is-killing-a-baby-do-you-really-want-to-hand-a-psycho-bitch-a-baby/

 

I came across this article in the Atlantic about a man named Mel Feit, who aligns himself firmly with the Men’s Rights Movement, and unsurprisingly, reproductive rights are a very important topic. While I am a contributor at A Voice for Men, a prominent website in support of men’s rights, I would never claim to speak for the movement, and that is out of sheer ignorance. I simply do not know the issues well enough to claim to represent them.

 

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/the-lonely-existence-of-mel-feit-mens-rights-advocate/267413/

 

And I’m working on rectifying that, but keep it in mind when you read this blog.

 

The current situation is this: when a woman becomes pregnant, she has complete sovereignty to decide if that baby will be born. Yes, life begins at conception. That’s irrelevant. The baby cannot exist without the use of her body, and she has an absolute right to decide if she wants her body used in that way.

 

 

To be clear, I don’t think it’s great that women make that choice. Killing your baby because it has Down Syndrome or because it’s the wrong gender or because it’s a twin or for any reason at all is a terrible thing to do. Those people are just awful. People who belong to the Ku Klux Klan are fucking terrible human beings, too. That doesn’t invalidate their basic human rights.

 

 

So what rights should men have to decide if a baby is born? None. It’s not their body that will be used to bear the baby, so they have no rights IN THAT REGARD. Men’s reproductive rights do not kick in until AFTER the baby is born.

 

First of all, men have the right to request a DNA test to prove that the baby is, in fact, their own. DNA testing ought to be mandatory. No exceptions. Men are not held to be responsible for children that are not their own.

 

Or are they?

 

In fact, courts around the world have declared a man to be the “father” of a particular child, even if he DID NOT contribute genetic material, if it is in the best interests of the child. Apparently, the best interests of the man are irrelevant.

 

http://www.thehighroad.org/archive/index.php/t-162249.html

 

There is no moral or legal equivalent for a woman. It’s kind of a joke in our house that whenever one of our kids does something particularly clumsy or lunkheaded, I say to my husband, “I want a DNA test. I’m not sure that kid is mine”.

 

When a pregnancy occurs, a woman has a right to decide whether or not to bring a child into the world. Once the child is born, she has the further right to place the child for adoption and surrender all rights and responsibilities.

 

 

Men do not have this right. They are not permitted to surrender their rights and responsibilities for a child they did not intend and do not want. Why is that? Women are allowed to avoid the consequences of sex, but men are not. Men are held to a higher standard of behavior than women are. And how is this fair?

 

It’s interesting that you don’t hear many feminists screeching for this kind of equality, isn’t it? Women can determine for themselves whether they wish to be mothers. Men do not get that choice. In the legal forum I linked to, a number of commenters say something along the lines of “if you don’t want to pay child support, keep your trousers zipped.”

 

Isn’t that the same argument pro-lifers use against abortion? If you don’t want to have a baby, don’t have sex.

 

It’s stupid.

 

I’ve argued before that children have an inherent right to know their fathers.

 

http://judgybitch.com/2012/12/20/scuttle-back-into-your-hole-daddy-this-strong-single-mother-doesnt-even-want-your-cash-yet/

 

But do they? Children don’t have an inherent right to life. Women make that call. Men ought to have the right to determine whether they will be fathers at all, but they don’t. Only women get to choose. Men CANNOT force women to be mothers, but women CAN force men to be fathers.

 

 

Men have no choice. Fatherhood is mandatory. And that’s unacceptable.

 

Lots of love,

 

JB

 

 

 

 

My husband pays all the bills, so I OWE him blowjobs, right?

http://jezebel.com/elizabeth-wurtzel/

Many years ago, a young girl, the product of a broken family, decided to deal with her crippling depression and anxiety by swallowing copious amounts of fluoxetine, otherwise known as Prozac.  She chronicled her journey down the rabbit hole of psychotropic medications in a book called Prozac Nation, which was an immediate bestseller, and launched a genre known as the “confessional memoir”.  Her use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors has led her, all these years later, into a life devoid of any accomplishment or affection or admiration.

“I have no husband, no children, no real estate, no stocks, no bonds, no investments, no 401(k), no CDs, no IRAs, no emergency fund—I don’t even have a savings account”.

Hey, sign me up for Prozac!  Sounds like a world of good times. So here is Wurtzel, with no husband, fucked up beyond belief, weighing in on relationships:

“I am committed to feminism and don’t understand why anyone would agree to be party to a relationship that is not absolutely equal. I believe women who are supported by men are prostitutes, that is that, and I am heartbroken to live through a time where Wall Street money means these women are not treated with due disdain”.

Oh ho!  Really?  Really, Lizzie?  We’re prostitutes, are we?  And due disdain?  What the hell is that?  Should all the housewives of New York be lined up, have their heads shaved and be marched down the streets while the proper women leave their cubicles to jeer and throw apple cores?

The idea that women who are financially dependent on men are prostitutes is not new, and in a way, doesn’t bother me at all.  What’s wrong with being a prostitute?  I think I have every right to determine the value of my sexuality and to trade it for cash, should I choose to do that.  My body, my choice, right?

Then again, maybe not.

No, what I object to in Wurtzel’s despairing accusation is that my relationship with my husband is a strict quid pro quo exchange of one service for another.  It’s Wurtzel’s insistence that an equal relationship can only be measured by one metric:  MONEY.  A  marriage is a vehicle for the EXCHANGE of wealth.

That leads to only one conclusion: If my husband earns all the money, I must OWE him something for that, and in Wurtzel’s mind, that one thing is SEX.  Wurtzel didn’t say women who are supported by men are HOUSEKEEPERS, because that would mean I owe my husband a clean house.  She didn’t say women who are supported by men are CHEFS, because that would mean I owe my husband food.  She didn’t say women who are supported by men are NANNIES because that would mean I owe my husband childcare.

Nope.  We’re PROSTITUTES, so that means what I owe my husband in exchange for my keep is BLOWJOBS. Lots of them.  What’s the street rate for a blowjob? I’m not sure.  Let’s say $50?  Does that sound fair? So we’ll put Mr. JB’s salary at $100 000/year (I’m not really sure, I pay very little attention to those details).  That means I owe Mr. JB 2000 blowjobs every year.

Jesus.  That’s over 5 blowjobs a day, no weekends off!

As an aside, Mr. JB says I can have Sundays off, as long as I pick up the slack the rest of the week.

So in Wurtzel’s mind, I have two choices:  I can ante up and deliver my fair share of blowjobs, or I can get out there and earn some money, thereby reducing my blowjob workload.  If I picked up a job for say, $50 000/year, I would be down to just over 2 blowjobs a day.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what a truly equal partnership looks like!  Microsoft Excel is going to be useful in keeping track of all this.  I’m also going to need some kneepads and probably a whole lot of Prozac to survive this kind of equality.

Is it any surprise that Wurtzel finds herself without a husband or children?  When you view the most private and intimate relationships as merely a vehicle to exchange things of value, you end up alone with nothing of any value at all.

Here is what DOES get exchanged in a marriage:  love, first and foremost.  That feeling of knowing someone else, and being known. Of accepting someone else, for all their flaws and foibles, and being accepted in return.  Knowing yourself to be valued and respected and adored, and waking up every morning next to someone you yourself value and respect and adore.

Dignity comes in a close second.  Putting together a life that includes a home and friends and children and pets and enough time to enjoy all those things in a meaningful way is a lot of work.  One person needs to earn the money to make all that possible, and the other person needs to do the work to make it all fall together, and there is tremendous dignity in succeeding, or at least trying.  My husband doesn’t look at me and think “you lazy bitch, where’s the cash”? He looks at me and thinks “thank you for this life”.  And the feeling is mutual.

Modern marriage can be a real trap, especially for men, who tend to earn more money than women, and in a culture that sees marriage as primarily a vehicle to exchange things for cash value, the highest earner has the most to lose.  Women like Elizabeth Wurtzel, who promote the idea that a marriage between equal partners can only be measured in terms of dollar values are the principle reason marriage is such a mess.  Why enter a contract in which love and respect and dignity and value are seen as superfluous to the real measure of value:  a bank account statement?

She’s a good cautionary tale, too.  Wurtzel has nothing.  So that theory worked out well, didn’t it?

Let’s be clear:  sex in marriage is an absolutely fantastic thing.  It’s the glue that keeps couples together.  Sex promotes the production of hormones and feelings that drive human pair bonding, and it’s just a whole lot of fun.

http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

Love is an art, but it’s a science, too.  Here’s some advice from a woman who has been married for 13 years and counting:  when your husband pisses you off – like, really pisses you off – take off all your clothes and make love to him.  Then discuss your issue.  You will find your rage has dissipated, the problem (whatever it is) becomes surmountable and he will probably give you whatever you ask for.  It works.  Trust me.

Check out these cute boots!

Wait!  Did I just say that?  I had sex with my husband so he would buy me cute boots?

Er, yep!  God, I’m such a whore!

Lots of love,

JB