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Men like virtual sex because they find it arousing. Women like virtual sex because they have low self-esteem, and you can’t really expect much more from men anyways, right? Keep those standards low, and men won’t disappoint!

5 Aug

I’ve mostly been ignoring the whole Anthony Weiner sex scandal thing because I don’t find Anthony all that appealing and I have no particular desire to see or read about his wiener. I also don’t get all that fussed about politician’s sex lives, nor do I give a shit what his wife has to “put up with”.  She wants to be the Mayor’s Wife and she’s made her deal and it’s none of my damn business.  As long as Anthony isn’t texting his crotch shots to me, I don’t really care.


But I really had to click on this New York Times Op Ed on “Weiner’s Women”, because I expected to find a nice example of poor lady victims with wieners all over their phones, fainting and blushing at such monstrous acts.  Heh.  Maybe I should take a peek at one of those screencaps and check just how monstrous we are dealing with?

It’s actually even better than just the usual pearl-clutching and denial of agency I have come to expect from any commentary on the role the women played in dressing up the dachshund.


Susan Jacoby goes one better on the rosy-cheeked maiden meme, and tries her best to understand what this whole sexting thing is about.  She begins by tossing a bone to Weiner’s poor wife, who is apparently being regularly deprived of bones, or at the very least, she has to share them with the other bitches.


People ask how Mr. Weiner’s wife, the soulfully beautiful and professionally accomplished Huma Abedin, can stay with him. My question is why hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of women apparently derive gratification from exchanging sexual talk and pictures with strangers.

Soulfully beautiful and professionally accomplished? Ho hum.  Let’s not leave out graspingly ambitious and strategically adept.  The lady wants the Mayor’s Laurels, and if she can’t get them herself, she will hitch her wagon to the wiener who CAN get them. Like she didn’t know she was handing her bun to a Ball Park Frank of epic proportions? Oh, bullshit.

city hall

She knew.

And so what?  Who cares? It’s her life.

Then Jacoby puts an interesting little spin on her analysis, agreeing that the ladies who participate in this kind of virtual carnal exploration are in fact fully aware and conscious of what they are doing.  Why do they do it?

Because RAPE, for one thing.  It’s safer than going out into the world with all those dangerous, predatory men who lurk around every corner waiting for an unsuspecting virgin to traipse by. In New York, I suspect the wait would be a long one.

These women are not victims of men like Mr. Weiner (or of ordinary, obscure sex seekers in the digital world) but full and equal participants. There is no force involved here; people of both sexes are able to block unwanted advances. Women are certainly safer on the Web than they would be going home with strangers they meet in bars.

But aside from rape, there is the simple fact that men just suck and the lower your expectations when it comes to having sex with one, the better off you will be.


The morality of virtual sex, as long as no one is cheating on a real partner, is not what bothers me. What’s truly troubling about the whole business is that it resembles the substitution of texting for extended, face-to-face time with friends. Virtual sex is to sex as virtual food is to food: you can’t taste, touch or smell it, and you don’t have to do any preparation or work. Sex with strangers online amounts to a diminution, close to an absolute negation, of the context that gives human interaction genuine content. Erotic play without context becomes just a form of one-on-one pornography.

Nor do I consider it worse for women than for men to engage in this behavior. But I do suspect — because I concede the validity of the numerous studies concluding that men are more interested in and aroused by pornography than women are — that women who settle for digital pornography are lowering their expectations and hopes even more drastically than their male collaborators are.

I guess Jacoby doesn’t know that imagining you are eating some calorific, this-is-why-you’re-fat treat can actually mollify hunger cravings?


Ever wished you could cut down on the amount you eat without going hungry? It turns out all you need is a good imagination. Scientists have found that going through the mental motions of eating, say, a chocolate bar, will help.

Weiner’s lady seem to be more inclined towards sausage than chocolate, but no matter.  The imagination is a powerful thing that can absolutely bring satisfaction without all the pesky need to actually put it in your mouth and swallow.

God, I’m so immature.  Penis jokes.  Makes me giggle every time.

I wonder what studies Jacoby is referring to when she cites men as more interested in and aroused by pornography?  She is clearly not accounting for literary pornography, AKA the romance novel, which appeals overwhelmingly to women.  To the tune of a billion dollars a year.

That’s a whole lot of lady porn.


“Reece, I’m gonna come.” He sucked in a breath as I sped up. “I need…I want you to—“ His hips rose off the bed, forcing his cock through my grasp. If the light was on, I could have seen him. Known whether his eyes were open or closed. Maybe he frowned.

All I knew was his lips parted beneath mine as he gasped for air, and when I kissed from the corners of his mouth along his jaw, he moaned softly.


“I want more.”

Wowza!  I might have to hit the bookshop later today.

But okay, let’s say it really IS only men who enjoy pornography and find it arousing.  How do we get from “men like porn” to “any expectations of intimate connections with men are impossible so lower your standards”?

I say Jacoby wants to have her cake and eat it, too.  She wants to give women agency and responsibility, and yet still find a way to blame men for the fact that some women like the titillation of virtual sex.  Her feminist ideology requires her to cast the woman simultaneously as equal and oppressed, which is generally not difficult for feminists to do, but the whole sexting thing has Jacoby thoroughly perplexed.


As a feminist, I find it infinitely sad to imagine a vibrant young woman sitting alone at her computer and turning herself into a sex object for a man (or a dog) she does not know — even if she is also turning him into a sex object. Twentieth-century feminism always linked the social progress of women with an expanding sense of self-worth — in the sexual as well as intellectual and professional spheres. A willingness to engage in Internet sex with strangers, however, expresses not sexual empowerment but its opposite — a loneliness and low opinion of oneself that leads to the conclusion that any sexual contact is better than no contact at all.

Susan, here is word for you to look up that I think will assist you in understanding why “vibrant young women” might like to engage in a little explicit pictorial exchange with men they do not know:



True story:  I find it very amusing and arousing to take naughty pictures of myself and send them to my husband. While I expect he gets some pleasure out of that, it’s really just a way for me to confirm my own appeal. Check me out! Don’t I look fabulous?

wall projector

I once sent some photos to Mr. JB’s Blackberry, which he then unthinkingly plugged into his laptop which was connected to a wall projector.  He had intended to retrieve a file which he would then be using for a presentation, and his Blackberry decided to download all his image files for safekeeping.


And they were all duly projected onto the wall.  Six feet high.


Thank god there were no women at that presentation!  Mr. JB learned very quickly how to prevent private images from being automatically downloaded after that episode.

It really rather amazes me that Jacoby doesn’t seem to get that virtual sex can be incredibly affirmational for WOMEN, who are really just confirming their own appeal.  It’s a relatively safe way to become the lusted after heroine of the romance novel narrative.  The fantasy of devastating appeal can be digitally controlled, altered and manipulated at the woman’s discretion and for her pleasure.


Deep down, what does a man really think of himself when he must feed his ego with phony gasps of erotic pleasure from strangers in a digital vastness? What does a woman think of herself in the same arid zone of sex without sensuality?

I think we’ve isolated Jacoby’s problem right here.  Phony gasps of pleasure?  Done to assuage a man’s fragile ego?  An arid, dry zone?  No sensuality?

It’s normally rather cliché to suggest that frigid bitter harpies loosen their corsets and try getting laid, but in Jacoby’s case, it seems that just might be the very thing!  And for heaven’s sake, stop faking your pleasure!  Trust me, your man’s ego can take a little direction.

If it makes you uncomfortable, Susan, you can try a few practice runs.  Get yourself a nice photo app and try out a few poses.  Learn to ask for what you want.  Rehearse a bit.  And you don’t need to go it alone.


Get yourself a sexting partner.  And then shoot for Carnegie Hall.

You know how you get to Carnegie Hall, right?


Practice, practice, practise.  And check your camera roll auto-backup settings.

Just in case.

Lots of love,


Guilty if I say you are!

27 Feb

Somewhere in North Carolina, a couple of college students had a shitty relationship that ended badly.  I know, I know.  Shock!  Let’s call them Jennifer and Brad.  Brad has a long history of mental instability, including a suicide attempt and eventually Jennifer got sick of his shit and dumped him.

walking away

Brad didn’t handle that very well.  He decided that Jennifer had, in fact, been abusive, and the abuse had only ever been HER being a total fucking jackass to HIM. Lacking any evidence of any kind, or any support from any of their mutual friends, Brad had no legs to stand on in terms of pressing criminal charges, so he took his complaints about what a bitch Jennifer is to the school Honor Court, which promptly threw Brad and his sorry little ass out, along with his complaints.


Oh gosh, well now Brad is super pissed!  He is not letting this one go.  Nope.  He’s been following Jennifer around campus, interfering with her classes and talking openly about their sexually, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, which was all Jennifer’s fault.

It’s kind of obvious WHY Jennifer dumped this fucking moron in the first place, isn’t it?  Jennifer had way more tolerance than I ever would, but eventually, she too got sick of this shit and went to the Honor Court.  The Honor Court was not amused by Brad’s antics and is now threatening him with expulsion.

Basically, the Honor Court said “no, Brad, you do not get to follow your former girlfriend around talking about what an abusive psychopath she is without A SHRED OF EVIDENCE FOR THAT.  Did she beat the crap out of you?  Get yourself an assault conviction and then we’ll talk. Until then, shut the fuck up or get the fuck out”.


Brad is outraged!  He is attempting to raise awareness of domestic violence against men, and this is how the Honor Court reacts?  He is drawing attention to a very real problem and the big mean assholes on the court are telling him he needs EVIDENCE before he can carry out a smear campaign against Jennifer?

Well, clearly, that’s bullshit.  Jennifer is guilty because BRAD SAYS SHE IS.  What other evidence is required?

Oh now wait a second.  Oops.  I got that backwards.

It’s not Brad who is mentally unstable with a diagnosed illness, it’s Jennifer.  And it’s not Brad who has been following his ex-romantic partner around acting like an asshole.  It’s Jennifer.  She has openly been talking about the fact that Brad RAPED HER and she has a criminal conviction to prove that, the support of her friends, the backing of the school’s Honor Court, NO EVIDENCE OF ANY KIND TO PROVE THAT EXCEPT HER OWN OPINION.


Did Brad rape Jennifer?  Who the fuck knows?  Maybe.  But here’s the thing: justice rests on one assumption and one assumption only:


Jennifer has the support of Jezebel (surprise!), who truly believe that Jennifer absolutely has the right to follow Brad around campus harassing him and accusing him of a crime despite any evidence of any kind other than HOW SHE FEELS.

I wonder how Jezebel would feel if it were Brad following Jennifer around and informing all her potential new partners that she is, in fact, diagnosably mentally ill, a claim for which he has ACTUAL EVIDENCE?

This little story is exactly why men should have their anonymity preserved when they are charged with rape.  Accusers have long had anonymity, on the assumption that they have a right to privacy and that to be a known victim of sexual assault can have life altering implications.–human-right-High-Court-judge-Maura-McGowan-correct-says-Peter-Lloyd.html

As if being ACCUSED of sexual assault does not?

The Rape Culture™ crowd likes to claim that false accusations of rape are incredibly rare and therefore it is reasonable to assume that every woman that charges any man with rape is telling the truth.  The opposite of justice:  guilty until proven innocent.


False rape allegations are rare? Oh really?  Elizabeth Jones, who is only 22 years old, begs to differ.  She finally got jail time after ELEVEN FALSE ACCUSATIONS.


There are some lacrosse players at Duke who may have something to say about false allegations, too.


That lying little bitch is now up on murder charges, after her boyfriend was mysteriously stabbed.  This is AFTER she set her house on fire with her three young children inside.  Despite the fact that she is a lying bag of crazy, she still gets the assumption of innocence.

Women like Jennifer honestly believe they can drop the rape bomb on any man, anywhere, at any time and get a victim pass.  He will be assumed guilty and the mere threat of having the grenade of accusation go off is enough to keep most men silent in the face of a clear violation of justice.


I’m proud of the Honor Court at the University of North Carolina.  Let the bitches scream, your honors.  And let justice reign.

It’s really very simple:  if you are going to accuse someone of a crime, ANY CRIME, you’re gonna need some evidence to support that claim.

And no, cupcake, your FEELINGS are not evidence.

For anything other than your total lack of self-reflection or understanding of how justice actually works.  Back your shit up, bitch.

Or get the hell out.


Lots of love,


Don’t want to get robbed on holidays? Don’t dress as a tourist and some other advice.

16 Jan


Very sad news today- a traveller was shot dead in the Honduras yesterday after thieves attacked him for his camera and a backpack full of valuables.

San Pedro is recognized by the Lonely Planet as one of the most dangerous cities in the world, which doesn’t mean travellers should never go there, but it does mean they should take some sensible precautions.  Let’s go over to CNN (although there are only about a million sites that will give you very similar advice) and check out their advice for travellers, shall we?

Some tips to avoid getting robbed while on holidays:

Don’t be drunk.  Kind of an obvious one, no? The vast majority of people in any country you go to are decent and kind and don’t want to hurt you. But some aren’t.  And nothing quite says “prey” like a wasted foreigner, so go easy on the alcohol until you know the lay of the land a little better.


Don’t dress rich.  Flashing your expensive watch or jewellery or electronics, especially in an environment where a lot of people are poor, is gonna get you in a world of trouble.  Another way of expressing this is don’t dress like a tourist.  You may BE a tourist, or even a very experienced traveller, but advertising your status as a non-local is likely to invite a bit of misfortune, so put away your New York Yankees t-shirt and your socks and sandals and try to blend in a bit.

Watch out for kids. The predators won’t necessarily look like what you expect them to look like.  A ten year old kid in Houston isn’t likely to be a huge threat. A ten year old kid in Rio de Janeiro is another story altogether.  Pay attention and don’t assume you know who the thieves are going to be.


Watch the people watching you.  Drugs and alcohol will make would-be predators a little more bold, so keep an eye on who is watching you, and use eye contact to let them know you are not the prey they are hoping for.

Don’t be low-hanging fruit. Use your body language and demeanor to convey that you are not likely to cave in easily and that picking a fight might be a bad idea.  Let would be muggers decide to wait for someone more vulnerable to come along.  Again, it helps it you are sober.

Recognize when a bad situation is happening and get out of there. “Always err on the side of caution and get out of there fast as you can, preferably to a well-lit place with lots of people”.  When you sense you are in danger, it’s not time to ruminate on the particulars of the local criminal code and ponder what is and is not allowed.  When you sense, danger, get the hell out of there!


Does anyone seriously object to this kind of advice?  When you travel (which is an awesome, life-enhancing experience), you need to understand that you can end up in some dangerous situations, and that there are some reasonable safety measures that can and should be exercised.  Keeping your valuables hidden doesn’t condone robbery, it just acknowledges that robbery happens, and it’s best to try and avoid it, if you can.

Sure, people can take all of the above precautions and still get robbed, but that’s hardly a convincing argument for taking no precautions at all!

Now, let’s go back and take a look at this young lady again:


You know who this is?  This is a tourist.  A young traveller exploring a new landscape with which she has very little familiarity and probably zero experience.  She is a voyager to a new world of sexuality and desire, and that land is populated mostly by people who will do her no harm.

And a few people who most certainly will.

What kind of advice should we give her? How about the EXACT SAME ADVICE we would give her if she was heading off for a weekend in Bangkok with her friends?

Pay attention to how you are dressed

Don’t be drunk

Don’t flash your valuables

Keep an eye on who is watching you

Travel with friends

Use your body language to let predators know you are not easy prey

If you sense a problem, get the hell out of there


Oh, but if you give young, inexperienced sojourners that kind of advice you are “victim-blaming” and “slut-shaming”.  And naturally, by “sojourners”, I mean women, as there is a rather notable cultural  silence when it comes to advising young men how to navigate uncharted waters and avoid falling victim to predatory women.  As we all know, no man has ever been raped by a woman.  No man has ever been drunk and taken advantage of by a woman. No man has ever heard “don’t worry, baby, I’m on the pill” only to face 25 years of child support for a child he didn’t plan and doesn’t want.


Really?  How did we get to the point where suggesting that young women, new to the territory of sexuality, should simply be thrown out into the arena with no preparation and no understanding and no ability to protect themselves?

not asking

See, this is the wrong question.  It’s not “are you asking for it?”, it’s “are you going to get it?”, and the answer, depending on the circumstance, can vary quite a lot.  Surrounded by (mostly male) police officers at a “protest”?  Nope.  You can probably count on those men in blue to protect you.  In the middle of Central Park on a Saturday night, smashed out of your gourd?  Oh, honey, I hope you have a rape kit tucked in those pants, because chances are, you’re gonna need it.

And that will partly be your fault for being such a fucking idiot.

It doesn’t seem the slightest bit controversial to advise travellers to take some precautions to protect themselves when they are in a new place, unfamiliar with the terrain or the customs or possibly even the language.  Sexual “tourists”, those darling neophytes, the absolute beginners,  are no different.  Until you understand what reactions you provoke, and what the consequences of that might be, and until you have the skills and the knowledge to manage the situation, there is a huge onus on YOU to behave in a way that keeps trouble at bay.

And when you gain that experience, you STILL have some responsibility to protect yourself.  You can travel to the savannah a million times, but a rhino is still a rhino and if you get too close, expect to get gored.


You don’t get what you deserve.  You get what you negotiate.  So learn how to negotiate.  Or stay home.

Lots of love,




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