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Look! Another Thought Catalog piece!

31 May

Seems like maybe the mainstream media is ready to start considering some issues we have been discussing for a long time.

 

Better late than never, right?

 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/janet-bloomfield/2014/05/heres-why-men-should-have-the-reproductive-rights-that-women-have/

Dating single fathers? Just say YES! A note for all the single ladies.

4 Apr

singledad

 

My just say no to dating single mothers post remains one of the most popular on this blog, with over 50K views and 3K+ Facebook shares.  I probably trash about 75% of the comments that post generates, since they all tend to be along the lines of “oh my god you’re so judgy and such a bitch and even though other single mothers are total slags like you say, I’m not and you should just die already”.  Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.  It always amuses me when commenters get outraged at what a judgy bitch I am.  Uhm, you clicked on a website called JudgyBitch!  What the fuck were you expecting?

 

Another frequent comment I get is “oh yeah, well what about all the single dads?  What about them, huh?”, so let’s talk about them.

 

Single fathers have all the virtues single mothers do not, and they should definitely be on your radar screen if you are looking for some solid, husband material.  Let’s talk about why.

 

First and foremost, every single mother chooses parenthood, as she is legally entitled to do.  Facing a positive pregnancy test, she has the option of evicting Junior from her womb long before any need to buy itty bitty shoes arises.  And even after Junior arrives, she still has at least two options in front of her:  She can refuse to identify the father and place the child for adoption, or she can surrender the child under safe haven laws and walk away from all financial, social, legal and ethical responsibilities.

 

The argument that women should be able to choose parenthood because only women get pregnant is nullified by the fact that even after a baby is born,  a woman still gets to decide if she will assume responsibility for that child.  She does not need to have any reason whatsoever for refusing that responsibility.  If she doesn’t want the baby, she doesn’t have to keep it.

 

Men have no such rights.  Men cannot force women to have abortions, nor should they be able to.  They cannot surrender their paternal rights.  They cannot refuse to assume responsibility for the child. They will, in fact, be imprisoned, if they cannot pay the woman whatever sum the courts have determined is appropriate. and let’s not forget that for some women, tricking a man into a pregnancy is just “normal“.

 

Men are not allowed to choose parenthood.

 

It is therefore safe to assume that a single father had fatherhood thrust upon him.  Single mothers make a conscious, deliberate choice to make the one decision most likely to guarantee their children live in poverty with little chance of escaping.  Single fathers have not made that choice because they are not legally entitled to do so.

 

Single fathers are the exact opposite of single mothers:  they are the embodiment of responsibility.  A man raising his children alone has assumed full responsibility for someone else’s choice (the choice to have a baby), and even if the decision to have a child was nominally mutual, in actual fact, he had no say.  Mutual agreement to have a child is merely pleasant conversation to disguise the fact that men have no reproductive choices, other than complete celibacy or permanent sterilization, choices we would never accept as the only birth control options for women.  And rightly so.

 

Single fathers are also a good financial bet for potential relationships because even though they bear the brunt of the cost of raising their children, they are unlikely to be paying out alimony to the mother’s child, and obviously are not paying child support.  They are unlikely to be receiving child support, either, and it behooves any women considering a single father to consider the fact that women are far more likely to be delinquent in paying child support than men are.  Don’t count on the baby mama kicking in any cash.  It’s highly improbable. And don’t count on the courts sending the woman to jail for failure to pay.  Ha!  Yeah, right. Even without support from the other parent, single fathers still tend not to be poor because they have made entirely different life choices than single mothers.

 

Dating a single father is also an excellent test of a woman’s own personality.  Can you deal with the fact that a child will always supersede you in his father’s affections?  I think women who don’t have children are taken by surprise when confronted with this reality, because they don’t understand that children almost always take priority over adults and adults are expected to be mature, self-assured and accommodating of the needs of others.

 

Mature?

Self-assured?

Accommodating?

 

You can see why this is a problem for some women.  Check out these letter to Dear Prudence, in which delightful Princesses of The Special Snowflake begrudge their partner’s love for their children.  I’m so confused about that whole wicked stepmother trope!  It’s just patriarchy, right?

 

Dear Prudie,  I’ll be spending New Year with my boyfriend of two and a half years. While this would normally be lovely, I’m not looking forward to it. I feel bummed out by it. We’ll be at his parent’s, which is out in the sticks and he has visitation with his daughter for the holidays first time since she was a baby. I’m conflicted. On one hand this should be about the time he spends with his daughter and she with her grandparents. On the other hand I cannot stand the way he rewards/gives in to her tantrums and end up angry and isolating myself. I’m also 27 and feeling a little resentful that for the second year in a row my New Years, which should be fun and carefree, is dictated by his family plans. Even if I did ditch them, which is essentially what I’d be doing, that also feels terrible and it’s not like I have many other friends or options. I’m not sure what to do or how to manage conflicting feelings of guilt & resentment. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.  -Conflicted.

 

I’ve been married for a little over a year. I met my husband several years ago when we were neighbors; he was married at the time and had a young son. He moved away, got divorced, and I didn’t see him for several years. Then we reconnected, dated, and got married very quickly. His son is now 10 and I’m having a really hard time getting to like the boy. This might sound mean, but I can’t stand him sometimes. I know he’s a child, and that he gets his bad manners from his psycho mother, but everything about him just grosses me out: the way he eats; the way his mother dresses him (like a little rapper); that he’s too lazy to even clean his room. I try so hard to hide my feelings, but my husband senses it sometimes. I take his son to buy school clothes or toys, but he can’t behave and it’s driving me insane. I really don’t know what to do, especially now that we have him every weekend. I asked my husband if he can give me “me” time at least once a month, but his excuse is that he hates leaving his son with his ex-wife. I really can’t take sharing my husband with his son. What should I do?

 

Ugh.  Completely horrid women.

 

Single fathers are clearly capable of accepting responsibilities, even when they had no say in creating those responsibilities, and they will always have priorities over and above the women they partner with.  I can imagine the snarls and contemptuous huffing coming from those women who cannot abide, for one second, that a mere child will take precedence over her, and those are just the women you want to avoid like the plague.

 

If you are one of those women, then steer clear of the single dads.  They really don’t need another child. But if you are looking for a man willing to commit to something greater than the sum of individual parts, and that is what marriage is, then a single father might be just the man you’re looking for.

I’m reminded of a Rita Rudner joke that I always find quite amusing:

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

We can spin it a bit and say:

“I think men who are sole parents are better prepared for marriage.  They’ve experienced powerlessness and accepted responsibility”.

 

Now the real question is why the hell would a single father ever want to complicate his life and open himself up to even more exploitation by taking on a wife? Or another wife?

 

What’s in it for him?

 

Until men have the legal right to choose parenthood, not much.  Just more responsibility. How fascinating that it’s mostly feminists who demand the right to choose parenthood for themselves, but refuse that right to men.

 

 

Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.

Sigmund Freud

 

Is that because responsibility is the natural consequence of freedom? As long as men are not free to do something as fundamental as choose parenthood, they can be forced into assuming responsibilities.  And let’s be clear, the responsibility single fathers have assumed is not for the children.

 

It’s for a woman’s choice.

 

If feminists really wanted to tackle women’s oppression, they would insist that men and women are equally free to accept or reject responsibility for their life choices. But that’s not what they want at all.  They want the right to shift the burden accountability of onto men (how oppressive!), many of whom accept that treatment willingly. Like single fathers.

 

Why do they accept the burden?

 

Because they have no choice.  And because they put the needs of their children first.

 

Exactly what single mothers refuse to do.

 

Single mothers?  Just say no.  Single fathers?  Hell, yeah!

 

Those are men worth working for.

 

Lots of love,

 

JB

 

 

 

The problem with Wendy Davis is not that she’s a terrible mother, a gold-digging, possibly violent, drug taking tramp who used her husband as an ATM machine – the problem is that she’s a liar. Why not own your Amazon Grrl Power Stick it to the Man Feminazi shit, Wendy?

23 Jan

 

wendy

 

Well, well, well, the media is going to town on Democratic nominee for Texas Governor Wendy Davis for some “inconsistencies” in her heroic, single mother, pulled up by the bootstraps narrative. Wendy, who considers herself the epitome of American gung-ho-ism, just get ‘er done survivalist womanhood has perhaps misrepresented herself just a teeny tiny bit.

 

Struggling, strong independent single mother? Well, she did pop out two kids from two different men, but that’s pretty much where the “mother” story ends. She left her first husband when she was 19 (the divorce was finalized when she was 21) and then immediately enrolled in college and worked at her Daddy’s sandwich shop, where she met Husband 2.0, who just happened to be older and richer than Husband 1.0.

 

That’s fine. Whatever. I don’t care. But how is she mothering while going to school, taking top place in her class, slinging hash for daddy and nailing down her sugar daddy at the same time?

 

There’s no mothering going on here at all. Sarah Palin, another mama Governor was famous for dragging her cabal of kids everywhere she went, and even caught shit for the expenses that entailed, but Palin can rightly claim that she was governing and mothering at the same time.

 

Wendy? Not so much. When the opportunity arose for her to go to Harvard Law on 2.0’s dime, she dumped the 8 year old from 1.0 and the 2 year old she had to secure the resources of 2.0 and off she went.

 

Again, whatever. Wendy isn’t the first spouse to abandon her children for a shiny opportunity elsewhere. It makes her a shitty person, in my opinion, but hardly disqualifies her as a gubernatorial candidate. At least her children were in the care of 2.0 and not left with some underpaid nanny.

 

Unsurprisingly, the marriage to 2.0 broke down, possibly due to the fact that Wendy is a lying, cheating bitch but maybe not, and a restraining order was issued against her warning her not to use drugs or profanity around the little ‘uns. Quite possibly that was just standard operating procedure Texas style, but maybe not. Wendy was ordered to pay $1200 a month in child support, which is fair enough. Naturally, she was under no obligation to repay 2.0 for the hundreds of thousands of dollars he spent putting her through Harvard Law while she partied naked with men not her husband. 2.0 bled out his 401(k) for honey-bunny, but it was his choice and he gets to live with it.

 

Again, who cares? Wendy is hardly the first woman to line men up, bleed them out and chuck them to the curb. It’s kind of cute that Wendy moved out the day after 2.0 paid off the last of her student loans, but maybe that was just a case of poor timing?

 

The fact that Wendy is a shitty mother with two failed marriages under her belt and colleagues who consider her “ambitious” – a woman who is not gonna let a little thing like being a responsible parent get in the way of her dreams – is really not relevant to her run at the Governor’s mansion. Lots of epic assholes have been elected to government offices and have managed to do the job they were elected to do, despite their personal shortcomings. Hell, I seem to recall one guy who let an enthusiastic intern blow him under his desk and he still managed to leave office with every column in the black.

 

Not bad.

 

The real issue here is that rather than gather up her barbed wire skirts and proudly own the fact that she put her career ahead of everything and everyone else – she leaned right in – Wendy is spinning a story that is an insult to true hardworking single parents and people everywhere.

 

Look at me, folks! I took care of my kids, went to school, made top of the class, went to Harvard and did it all on my own! You can, too! All it takes is a little elbow grease and some chutzpah! It’s the American Dream! I’m living it and if you aren’t, well that’s your own damn fault, isn’t it?

 

That’s the essence of what Wendy is saying. She is using her past as a platform to demonstrate what she will be capable of as a leader. Strong! Proud! Determined! Dogged! Devoted! Independent!

 

Except bullshit!

 

Wendy is none of those things.

 

She didn’t raise her children. She gave birth to them. Her motherhood was purely biological. Husband 2.0 raised those kids. Why not celebrate that? Look, ladies, you too can form a partnership with a man in which he cares for the children while you scrabble up the ladder!

 

Own your shit, Wendy.

 

Two failed marriages? Why not celebrate that? Look ladies, never let a man get in the way of your success! We’re fish, they’re bicycles, fuck ‘em all!

 

Like that narrative wouldn’t sell? Of course it would.

 

Leave your husband the day after he pays off your Harvard loans? Again, spin it out, Wendy! Ladies, never feel obliged to a man when he has made a choice to support you! It’s his choice and you owe him nothing! Don’t let guilt control your decisions!

 

If Wendy pranced on the national stage proud of her accomplishments, and was completely open and honest about how she achieved them, I would still think she was an awful person, but I would give her points for being honest.

 

Instead, she has obfuscated, omitted and outright lied.

 

That tells me Wendy is ashamed of her past. She knows it’s something to hide. She knows the truth about herself is kind of ugly and awful and mean.

 

And if Wendy thinks she’s awful, then why the hell shouldn’t everyone else?

 

The world is full of awful people. No mystery there. What we should care about is honesty. Tell the truth about your life – we are not children and we understand you will attempt to spin your life so it doesn’t sound quite so awful, but the truth will still be visible.

 

Yes, I let my husband raise our children.

Yes, I let my husband pay for my school and then divorced him the day after the loans were finally paid.

Yes, I refuse to let anything get in the way of my ambition.

 

Don’t pretend to be something you are not. Because if you are not proud of yourself, why should we be?

 

And why should we trust someone who is afraid to be honest about who she is?

 

No one likes a liar.

 

No one votes for one either.

 

Lots of love,

 

JB

 

 

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