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What hell is this? The brave new world we have bequeathed our children is more frightening than I imagined, and the remedy is gonna make me one of the most hated moms on the block. Boo fucking hoo.

24 Sep

Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from a friend who lives in a sleepy little town on the outskirts of a huge city – the sort of town where nothing bad ever really happens, and you can go about your life feeling pretty safe and removed from the scariness of the modern world.

small town

Daisy and I both had daughters within weeks of each other, and we have kept in touch over the years, comparing notes and sharing frustrations and just generally being good friends to one another.  What she related to me, she has told no one else, other than her husband, of course.

girls

Daisy’s daughter Pansy has matured faster than my own daughter, who is still very much a little girl, in both looks and interests.  Pinkie and her best friend GingerGirl spend their free time tending flocks of sheep on Minecraft, making muffins, doing their nails and they have recently developed an intense interest in rocks.  For Christmas, both the girls have asked for rock polishers and cutters.  The plan is to polish up quartz and lapis lazuli and make jewellery for themselves and their friends.

Very, very innocent stuff.

Pansy, who is the same age as Pinkie, is much more of a stereotypical “pre-teenager” and Daisy, quite rightly if you ask me, is working to make sure that Pansy doesn’t grow up too fast.  Daisy’s husband is a very involved father although he works long hours to support his family.  Daisy has lots of sensible rules in place for Pansy over what kinds of clothes she can wear, what kinds of music she can listen to, what she can watch on TV and she monitors Pansy’s use of social media pretty closely.

And none of that mattered one little bit.

A few weeks ago, Pansy brought home an older girl for Daisy to meet.  I’ll call her Peaches, because she really is a Peach, through no fault of her own.  Peaches is the product of a single mother, and has no relationship of any kind with her father.  She’s an academically smart girl, and seems ambitious and aware and despite being raised in poverty (as the children of single mothers tend to be), she really appeared to have it together.

Daisy spent some time watching the two girls interact and felt that Peaches was an acceptable companion for her daughter.  After all, she doesn’t want to get too judgy against a kid who had no control over the circumstances of her birth, right?

just-dance-3-wii

When Pansy asked to go to Peaches house for a weekend play date, Daisy drove her over, met the mother and did all the things vigilant moms are supposed to do.  She left Pansy and Peaches playing Just Dance on the Wii and thought nothing more of it.  The girls would spend the afternoon together and get some exercise and have fun!

Shortly after Daisy drove away, Peaches’ mom decided to go out and run some errands and she left the two girls alone at home.  Peaches has a computer in her room, and once SingleMom was out of the picture, Peaches introduced Pansy to some “friends” in an internet chat room.

Some male friends.  Considerably older male friends.

Pansy recounted, weeks later, to her mother, what followed.  Pansy fell apart in the bathtub, sobbing and shaking because she knew she had done something very shameful and wrong, and she knew it was wrong when she did it, but she wanted Peaches to like her and think she was cool and peer pressure worked to overcome everything she had ever been taught to believe.

Peaches took off her clothes and danced for her male admirers in front of the webcam on her computer, and she “encouraged” Pansy to join in the fun.  Pansy knew she should not be taking off all her clothes and dancing for strangers on the internet, but she did it.

At twelve years of age, Pansy has starred in her first child porn video.

Here is where the story gets really, really interesting.  Daisy, once she knew the whole story, called up SingleMom to let her know what her daughter is up to on the computer conveniently located in the privacy of her bedroom.

SingleMom didn’t think it was a big deal.  “Oh, they’re just having a bit of fun”.

scream

For.

Real.

SingleMom thinks it’s all just a bit of harmless fun. Videos of her prepubescent daughter dancing naked and pretending to masturbate are scattered god knows where across the internet, and she doesn’t care.

How do you deal with something like this?  That is what Daisy and I talked about, for most of our conversation.  How the hell do you react to something like that?  Obviously, Peaches will not be setting foot anywhere near Pansy again, and Pansy knows that what she did was wrong and dangerous and foolish and she feels wretched about her behavior.

Is that enough?

Should Daisy call Child Services?  Will the girl be better off in foster care? Will taking her away from her idiot of a mother have any impact on whether she continues to vie for male attention, because that’s what the poor girl is doing.  She wants to feel loved and beautiful and powerful and has no example of what a mature, loving man looks like or acts like, and reporting her to child services isn’t going to change that.

Daisy did call her cousin, who is a police officer, but there is nothing they can do.  Even if they had an IP address, which they don’t, it’s probably a proxy server or a temporary inbox that can’t be traced.  The police have neither the manpower nor the technology to track down every video of underage girls dancing naked in cyber space.

How can we, as parents, be vigilant about this kind of stuff?  Daisy did every reasonable thing she could do, and her daughter is still …. I can’t bring myself to call her a “victim” because the only thing she is a victim of is her own incredibly poor judgement.  She’s only a twelve year old girl, though, and twelve year old girls need help making the right decisions. It’s not enough to just know what the right decision IS, she has to have the confidence and maturity to follow through.

I know I will catch hell for this in my actual, lived reality, but one inescapable conclusion that I have come to is that children of single mothers have giant red stop-signs over their heads when it comes to interacting with my kids.

Obviously there are some single mothers who are doing a stellar job, but they’re pretty easy to pick out.  They’re older, financially stable, own their own homes and are surrounded by a loving family with lots of male role models. Those aren’t the typical single mothers, though.  The ones who are young and poor with no real job skills or accomplishments of any kind are probably single mothers as a result of sheer stupidity, and yes, I’m deeply suspicious of their children.  In no way do I blame the children – it was not their choice.

But I recognize them as a threat, and it won’t take all that long before people figure out that JBs kids do not go over to the homes of kids who have single mothers.  Those kids can come to my house, under limited conditions and they will be very carefully supervised, but under no circumstances are my children going over to play with any kid who sets my Spidey senses off.

Intellectually, I can see how unfair that is.  Emotionally, I don’t give a fuck.  Sorry, kid.  But my kids come first.

Something else I have decided is a deal breaker is kids who have computers or televisions in their own rooms.  My children use social media very sparingly at the moment, and I monitor every bit of it.  They play on Minecraft with other people, on a computer that is in our living room with the screen facing outwards, so I can see any interaction at any time.  My daughter posts pictures of kittens and cupcakes and puppies and newborn giraffes to Instagram, where she and her friends compete to get “likes” for who posted the cutest picture.  I see every picture that she posts, and every picture that everyone else posts, too.

The real question for me is do I shatter my daughter’s innocence by talking to her about what happened with Pansy?  My husband feels that it’s simply a lesson for us that we need to be absolute dictators when it comes to who our children are allowed to spend time with.  If other parents hate us, so be it.  Fuck them.

Obviously, we can’t protect them forever, but I really do believe there is value in letting children be children, and there are some things they don’t need to understand.  Sometimes “because I said so” is the right answer.

friends

I shared this story with GingerGirl’s mom, and we spent a long time talking about how we personally dealt with things like peer pressure and wanting to be liked and be cool and popular, and it really comes down to one thing:  you have a group of friends and you have each other’s backs. That is what has changed so dramatically in our culture, especially for girls.  The “strong independent” message has been translated into “abandon each other”.  Boys still seem to understand the concepts of loyalty and unity and that when your friends are about to make really bad choices, you step in and use whatever tools you have to prevent that from happening.  Mockery, aggression, insults, whatever – you keep each other safe.

How did young women come to lose that aspect of their own culture?  When I think of the Rehteah Parson’s case, in particular, what strikes me as so unbelievable is that she was with a girlfriend who could see that Rehteah was about to make a really, really bad decision, and who knew Rehteah was really, really drunk, and she just left her there to face the consequences.  Now, in fairness to the girlfriend, she did return to the house later with her own mother to try and persuade Rehteah to leave, but reportedly, to no avail.

I’m sorry, but what?!?!?!

A grown woman, the mother of one of Rehteah’s friends just left her there?

A young, drunk teenager is having sex with multiple men and gosh, I’ll just let her get on with it, then?

Unfuckingbelievable.

http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2013/04/26/christie-blatchford-why-there-will-never-be-a-case-against-the-rehtaeh-parsons/

It’s not like I went to some prissy Christian highschool where the girls spent their time crocheting baby clothes for the local preemie unit (although we did that, too). We experimented with drugs and alcohol and made out with boys and dressed inappropriately in clothes we had to hide from our parents, but we never, ever just abandoned each other when dicey situations came up.

When the time comes, that is what I plan to teach my daughters, in particular.  When Pinkie is at a party and something like the Rehteah Parson’s situation is happening, you do NOT leave that girl.  You call me, you call your Dad, you call an adult to come and help you.  And I plan on letting my daughter’s friends know that in the horrifying case where it is MY daughter who is loaded out of her mind and about to do something really stupid that she will deeply regret, you do NOT leave her.  You call us.

I honestly think it’s pointless to try and convince kids not to drink underage and not to experiment with their sexuality and not to do all the “forbidden” things, because all that does is shut down communication.  If your kids know they are not allowed to drink alcohol and will be severely punished for doing so, they are not going to call you for help when they find themselves blind drunk at a frat party.

And the consequences of that are just too severe. One moment of poor decision making can be broadcast to every person you know or will ever meet, and that’s just too harsh a punishment.

I firmly believe that parents are not and should not be their kid’s friends, but that doesn’t mean we can’t protect our children.  I’m still a few years away from needing to negotiate parties and curfews, and it may very well be that when I step into the reality of teenage life, I am going to change my mind about all of this.

Maybe.

But one thing is certain: when twelve year old girls are making amateur porn because no one is watching over them, you can be damn sure I’ll be watching.

Privacy is something you earn, when you’ve shown repeatedly, that you can make good decisions. That usually happens after you’ve made a whole bunch of bad decisions.

But there’s bad decisions and then there’s bad decisions.

Twelve year olds dancing naked for voyeurs on the internet.

Jesus.

The teenage years are gonna be scary.  Any advice for me?

Lots of love,

JB

18 Reasons Why Women Are The Best! We smell nice! And have pretty hair! So there!

31 Aug

It still surprises me that these kinds of lists show up in supposedly lighthearted media like Buzzfeed. I mean really?  Would Buzzfeed ever publish 18 Reasons Why Black People Are The Best18 Reasons Why Christians Are The Best? 18 Reasons Why Liberal Arts Majors are the Best? 18 Reasons Why Libertarians Are The Best?

Each of these things implies an inverse.  Black people are the best compared to whom? Christians are the best compared to whom? Liberal Arts majors are the best compared to whom? Libertarians are the best compared to whom? Try White instead of Black.  18 Reasons Why White People Are The Best.

Yeah, not so much.

But these stupid lists about how women are the best, women are better, women rule …. I see them over and over again.

http://judgybitch.com/2013/06/17/men-throw-better-than-women-and-that-cant-be-right-here-are-fourteen-ways-women-are-better-than-men-to-make-the-ladies-feel-superior-too-bad-theyre-almost-all/

This list at Buzzfeed is interesting because so many of the things women are “the best” at come down to accidents of birth and biology that apply equally to men and women, and the list inadvertently demonstrates that many of those accidental relationships are railroaded by a culture that really does seem to believe, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that women are the best.

Let’s take a closer look. Here’s the original feed, word for word, with my commentary.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/justinabarca/reasons-why-women-are-the-best

 18 Reasons Why Women Are The Best

Seriously, they are the absolute best thing in the universe.

1. These things somehow pop out of them

baby

Of course it’s a girl, and of course, she’s white. Big surprise there, right?  And ladies, can we try and remember for one or two seconds that those “things” cannot be made without the assistance of Mr. LadyCaveLongDistanceSwimmerExtraordinaire?

phelps_sperm

Yes, ladies, CaptainHalfOfHumanGenes is required, a fact you don’t seem to forget when it comes to claiming child support. Or when it comes to sabotaging birth control so you can have one of those “things”.

http://judgybitch.com/2013/07/08/are-you-having-sex-with-a-fertile-woman-would-you-like-to-avoid-a-little-bundle-of-puking-joy-are-you-trusting-her-with-birth-control-well-im-sorry-but-you-sir-are-an-idiot/

Score: 0

Both men and women required.

2. They invent awesome shit, like Kevlar

kevlar

And not much else.  Absolutely, there are a handful of incredibly accomplished, brilliant women who work in STEM fields.

http://judgybitch.com/2013/04/08/gender-bias-in-how-a-scientists-work-is-evaluated-yep-it-comes-mostly-from-women/

Most don’t.

http://judgybitch.com/2013/02/27/women-work-harder-than-men-at-what/

And as of today, there is not ONE woman who has ever accomplished extraordinary feats in mathematics, sufficient to earn the Fields Medal.  Not one woman awarded the prize.  Not one.  And as we have already discussed, Trinity College in the UK beats all women everywhere in the world when it comes to winning Nobel Prizes.

http://judgybitch.com/2013/08/25/richard-dawkins-hands-feminists-a-fabulous-argument-and-not-one-of-them-touches-it-i-wonder-why-not/

Score: -10

Men kick women’s asses at inventing shit

3. They kick ass and take names with the best of them.

fight

Ha!  Both videos feature women beating up other women.  You can’t claim to be “the best” if you are limiting your competition to only the weakest fighters.  Men are bigger and stronger than women, on average.

Middle aged tennis player takes on hot-shot girl player and SHE WINS YAY WOMEN ARE THE BEST!

riggs

Oh, oops.  He threw the match. Well, so what, right?  That doesn’t mean anything, la la la I can’t hear you.

The fact that the very best male bodies in the world can be pushed to further feats of strength than the very best female bodies in the world is an important fact only to people who directly profit from professional athletics.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/08/28/even_if_bobby_riggs_did_throw_his_match_against_billie_jean_king_it_proves.html

Well, if that’s true, then why did King play Riggs in the first place?

Jesus, the scent of bullshit is a bit overpowering.

Score: -20

Men kick women’s asses when it comes to physical feats

4. They make for awesome sisters.

Okay.  Men are siblings, too.  They make for awesome brothers.

Score: 0

5. They are spectacular as wives

Bracing for the sound of a million screens being chucked across the room. Men are spouses, too.  They are spectacular as husbands.  When they don’t get tossed to the curb like garbage when wifey gets bored and decides to trade in, that is.

http://judgybitch.com/2013/05/10/should-greedy-wives-walk-away-with-all-the-spoils-well-that-depends-and-this-is-why-no-fault-divorce-is-insane/

Score: 0

6. They are funny as hell

Aaaand the two jokes featured are about losing weight to fit in a dress and then eating pie.

Hilarious.

tina

Women are funny as long as we remember that women, and only women, decide what constitutes funny.

http://judgybitch.com/2013/05/13/fat-ugly-white-bitches-will-decide-what-is-funny-and-the-rest-of-yall-can-fuck-off/

Score: -10

Most comedians are men, who tend to embrace universal humor.

 

7. They make for really great moms

And men make for really great Dads.

Score: 0

 

8. They are stronger than they are given credit for

Stronger in what sense?  Given credit by whom?  What does this even mean?

Score: 0

Incoherence gets a neutral score

9. They’re intense sports fans

sports

A few of them are, but the demographics for the MLB, MLS, NASCAR, the NFL, NHL and NBA all show far more men as fans than women. The best women can do is 41% for basketball and hockey.  Pretty much all professional sports come in around 40% lady fans in the audience, measured in terms of tickets purchased.

http://www.sportsbusinessdaily.com/Daily/Issues/2010/06/Issue-185/The-Back-Of-The-Book/Fan-Demographics-Among-Major-North-American-Sports-Leagues.aspx

I wonder how many of them are there on dates?

I suppose we could focus on the word “intense”, but really?  Women are better at being hysterical, irrational, over-the-top enthusiasts?  Is that really an argument we want to make to show women are the best? I’d think that one through.

Score: – 10

Men attend sporting events in greater numbers than women

10. They smell incredible, like roses and hope

Well, I smell like Chanel No. 5 and Ivory soap, but okay.  The market share for male grooming products is one of the hottest sectors in cosmetics, with 45% of men using moisturizers at least some of the time, compared to 68% of women.  Men use cologne regularly 34% of the time, compared to women who use it 40% of the time.

http://www.klinegroup.com/news/events/HBA_2012_Male_Grooming.pdf

What’s the number one grooming regime for men?

Shaving.

shave

75% of men shave every day.

http://www.statisticbrain.com/shaving-statistics/

80% of women wear make-up every day.

http://voicemagazineonline.com/2011/06/09/good-face-gone-bad-break-up-with-make-up/

Assuming that all the products used are scented (it can be really difficult to find unscented products), it looks like women have the edge when it comes to smelling pretty.

Score: +1

Women smell nicer than men

11. They’re great at dancing

Yep.  So are men.  Pick any dance form, and you will find men at the very highest levels of achievement and accomplishment.

fred

And men and women are equally clumsy and absurd at dancing, too.

Score: 0

Men and women both dance, equally bad or great

12. They are fantastic daughters

And men are fantastic sons.

Score: 0

13. They know when you need encouraging

So do men.  And one of the greatest tragedies of modern, feminist, liberal democracies is that so many young men and boys are growing up without positive male role models to mentor them and show them the path to adulthood.

boy alone

Steve Logan is proud of his job as a forklift truck driver and enthusiastically describes how good it feels to be achieving something. But before he signed up for a mentoring programme for disaffected young men three years ago, the 22-year-old was directionless and falling in and out of trouble. “I used to get into trouble a lot,” he recalls. “I had no good male role models growing up. I drifted.”

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2012/mar/27/band-brothers-mentoring-boys-adulthood

Divorce, the cult of single motherhood and the mobility of the labor market all add up to millions of children growing up without adult men present in their lives in meaningful ways.  It’s gotten so bad in the UK, some areas of the country are described as “man deserts”.

I am in Ladywood, Birmingham, one of several UK districts where 70 per cent of children are now raised in households without fathers – areas which have become known, rather depressingly, as ‘men deserts’.

An astonishing one million children are growing up in these blighted circumstances, living without a father and rarely even meeting an adult man, according to a recent troubling study of family breakdown by the Centre for Social Justice.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2359643/My-week-man-desert-In-parts-Britain-70-children-live-fathers-YASMIN-ALIBHAI-BROWN-visited-discovered-devastating-consequences.html

And it’s not just men and boys who suffer, young girls growing up without positive, affirmational and more importantly boundary-setting men in their lives are at risk of seeking male attention in some pretty harmful ways.

http://judgybitch.com/2013/01/22/a-teenage-girls-best-weapon-against-slut-culture-her-dad/

Men are not just skilled at providing encouragement, it is utterly vital that they are permitted to do so.  Being raised without a loving father is a crime against humanity, in my opinion.

Score: -20

Men are prevented from offering the encouragement only they can give

14. They are gorgeous

Women are getting prettier in evolutionary terms, because beauty is what men value.  The things we consider “beauty” signal health and fertility and those are the things evolution selects for.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5912250/Women-getting-more-beautiful-say-scientists.html

It’s interesting that the article can claim women are better at being beautiful, and yet most feminists will rail heartily against the idea that women should strive for beauty.  Fat is beautiful!  Ugly is the new gorgeous!  Lena Dunham believes people are lucky that they get to look at her!

lena

http://jezebel.com/lena-dunham-used-to-look-in-the-mirror-and-say-im-jus-1226434042

You go girl.

Score:  +20

Women are better at being beautiful

15. They get better with age

Oooh.  Yikes.  Nope.  They don’t.  A lovely, lovely myth, but women are valued for youth and beauty (see above), and men are valued for status and protection.  Men tend to collect more resources and therefore become more valuable over time, while women lose their resources and become less valuable.

It’s lovely to think that a genius cancer researcher only gets better with age and more experience, and that is true, but it completely ignores the fact that most women aren’t doing anything that even approaches the contributions a cancer researcher is making to society.

All is not lost, though.  Tend to your looks, your weight, your hair and you can significantly extend your value.  Be a consistently loving and thoughtful and available partner, and you should be formidable competition for any pretty young thing.

carmen

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2355862/Carmen-DellOrefice-82-year-old-model-reveals-secrets-lasting-success.html

Score: -10

Women do not get better with age

16. They have phenomenal hair

Agreed!  Women win this one hands down.

Take away message:  don’t cut your hair, ladies!  Men love long, beautiful, well-groomed hair on women.  I don’t think that will ever change.

http://alphagameplan.blogspot.ca/2011/04/women-dont-cut-your-damn-hair.html

What is the first thing Bradley Manning did when he decided to become Chelsea instead?  Put on a long blonde wig.  Nothing signifies feminine quite like long hair.

brad

I find it somewhat amusing that feminist writers at Slate can champion Chelsea, and at the same time mock men with long hair who style it in “girly” ways.

…when men adopt overtly feminine hairdos, the results seem ridiculous. The eight amateur male models featured here are living right at the edge of acceptably masculine hair styling just by growing their hair past their chins. A ringlet, though, is a bridge too far, even if it’s paired with a lumberjack beard and a baggy tee. There’s just no masculine signifier that can dilute such girliness.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/08/23/guys_with_fancy_lady_hair_what_men_in_up_dos_braids_and_buns_say_about_masculinity.html

hippie

Okay, so a man braiding his hair for fun is ridiculous, but a man who thinks he is a woman donning a terrible blonde wig should be given the utmost respect?

Okay then.

Score: + 20

Women have better hair

17. They put up with male stupidity

Oh fuck off.

And how are we measuring “stupidity”?

Artistic achievements?

starry

Ten most famous paintings of all time.  All men.

http://www.touropia.com/most-famous-paintings/

Scientific achievements?

wheel

Of the ten most important inventions in human history, six were unequivocally created by men.  The wheel and the plow?  Most likely men.  You might be able to find one or two women to credit with computers and the internet, but the computer sciences are utterly dominated by men.

http://www.geniusstuff.com/blog/list/10-inventions-changed-world/

This whole “men are stupid” trope in media is one that really, really irritates me.  Why does the simple acknowledgement that men are actually rather clever little things who get shit done in increasingly ingenious ways cause such crippling anxiety in women?

So what?  So they made flush toilets?  So they made iPhones?  So they made rovers that are crawling around on Mars?

Those are not the only things that make life worth living.

home

Women create and nurture and maintain the webs of relationships that allow communities to thrive and bring out the best in all their members.  Women take a house and make it a home, take a city and make it a community, take a nation and make it a culture.

I’ve often said women have abandoned their most important mission, but I would now like to add a caveat to that.  Women are still crafting the communities and webs and cultures we live in.

They’re crafting them to hate men and children and provide women, and only women with the comforts we all deserve to have a shot at acquiring.  Captain Capitalism says “enjoy the decline”.  He’s right in a way I am only beginning to comprehend.

http://captaincapitalism.blogspot.ca/2013/08/just-cant-make-it-up.html

Score: -20

Women are not smarter than men

18. And most importantly, they’re there when you need them most

And that is exactly what most white, feminist women are NOT.  Women who actually ARE present are chumps. Dupes of the patriarchy.  Silly women who don’t understand their value can only be measured in cash terms.

http://jezebel.com/quitting-your-job-to-be-a-full-time-mom-is-probably-a-b-1054423380

And all of this bullshit “women are better” chanting comes to a screeching halt when the world wobbles and we suddenly need someone, anyone, to put their lives on the line and actually BE the best.

Boston Marathon Explosions

boston 2

http://judgybitch.com/2013/04/17/a-bomb-goes-off-in-boston-and-shows-america-why-we-need-men/

http://judgybitch.com/2013/04/18/boston-part-two-for-all-the-boys-who-werent-in-blue/

Those people are by and large MEN.

Score: -20

Men are the ones most likely to be there when it really counts

You know, if we go back to the beginning and consider a “18 Ways White People Are The Best” list, we could put things on it like:

We’re better at staying out of jail

We’re better at being rich

We’re better at graduating from college

We’re better at not having diabetes

We’re better at having children within marriage

All of those things are objectively, demonstrably TRUE, and a list like that might compel us to consider WHY those things are true and what we can do about it.

But this “18 Ways Women Are Better List” contains only three things that are true, and not even objectively true.

We smell better and have nicer hair?  We’re prettier? Really?  That’s our big claim to fame?

I won’t tally the final score because it’s just some bullshit metric I made up and it doesn’t matter.  No matter how you score it, this list is total and utter garbage.

If we gleefully posted a list about how white people are better, the rationale behind that wouldn’t be all that confusing or controversial, would it?

white

So why are we so blind as a culture to what lists like “women are better” are really telling us?

Misandry?

It’s not a thing.

Sssh.

If you ignore it, it will probably go away.

ripley

Right?

Lots of love,

JB

Attention high school girls: please don’t fall in love with a boy because that is an excellent way to get abused. Just give blowjobs instead.

19 Aug

Hook-up culture is STILL getting all the proper lady writers in a tizzy, and it seems like the blame for this sad state of affairs has not been laid squarely enough. It really looks an awful lot like a whole bunch of ladies are just sluts, but then again maybe the whole thing is a figment of everyone’s imagination?

pearls

Hanna Roisin at least takes a stab at trying to understand what it all means, and remarkably, she suggests that “people” have a fraught relationship with sex in general.

Maybe it means that people don’t take sex as seriously as they used to. Maybe it means women are less afraid of it than they used to be. Maybe it means that young people have learned to incorporate sex into their definition of friendship. Maybe it means sex isn’t so loaded, and doesn’t put you on a path to marriage or a real relationship anymore.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/08/15/hookup_culture_doesn_t_exist_new_study_shows.html?wpisrc=flyouts

Well, Hannah clearly needs to be spending more time with her fellow Double XX bloggers, because hook-up culture is far more than just “sex”, my pretty. Hook-up culture is actually a very clever strategy designed to allow vulnerable young women the opportunity to escape the inevitable abuse that comes with having a relationship with an icky, violent, cootie-ridden BOY.

Yuck.

Boys.

First they infect you with their childish crudeness, then they beat the hell out of you because once you admit you like a boy, everyone knows it’s punching bag city from there on out.

bag

Right?

According to Amanda Hess, that’s exactly the risk young women run when they think in terms of anything OTHER than fly-by blowjobs after gym class.

Women in their teens and 20s still face an elevated risk of abuse and assault. But confining their relationships to casual sexts instead of jumping into intense relationships could actually help girls avoid violence from their partners now and later in life.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/08/16/nbc_sexting_story_the_today_show_takes_on_teen_hook_up_culture_internet.html

Hess, who apparently has a sliver of conscience left when it comes to perpetuating deeply hateful stereotypes against boys in particular, admits that rape and domestic violence in the population at large are declining at precipitous rates.

…when it comes to real crimes, modern American relationships have actually become a lot less “extreme” in recent decades. Incidents of rape have declined by as much as 85 percent since the 1970s (and when they do happen, victims are more likely to report the crime). Domestic violence incidents have also dropped precipitously since the ‘90s.

But those menacing boys tipping from adolescence into fully realized adult manhood still scare the bejeebus out of her. Even though women can and will chuck a few head shots themselves, and plenty won’t hesitate to settle their disagreements with a little bloodshed, Amanda is still deeply concerned the poor duckies might find themselves trapped in an abusive relationship with an intimate partner.

During the past two ­and-a-half decades, official statistics suggest that female delinquency has undergone substantial changes compared with male delinquency. Between 1980 and 2005, arrests of girls increased nationwide, while arrests of boys decreased (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 2006)

https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/218905.pdf

Facts don’t bother Amanda, though.

[Boys] are seen as predators, and girls, their prey.

Boys trapped in abusive relationships with their highschool sweethearts are shit out of luck. Man up, you pussies! Who lets a girl hit them?

http://www.examiner.com/article/male-victims-of-domestic-violence-live-pain-fear-and-quiet-shame

What’s a girl to do? Well, concentrate on school, of course. Give yourself alternatives to endless beatings at the hands of your teenage Romeo! What Juliet needs to do is shift the balance of power into HER corner.

power

…intimate partner violence also drops “as women’s alternatives outside their relationships improve,” they found. As women secure higher educations and increase their earning potential, they’re “able to achieve self-sufficiency in the long-run.” When “battered women can support themselves, they are both more likely to leave and have more power within their relationships if they stay.”

And see how brilliantly hook-up culture fits into that?

Sexting is not “something that creates a very secure relationship,” child development specialist Dr. Robyn Silverman tells Lauer. Kids tell her that “hook up culture makes it so they can get a competitive edge in college and high school. They’re not worried about the relationship. They’re focused on school and the things that matter to them.”

And what things matter to kids, anyways? According to her own article, it’s not the pleasures of random sex with people you barely know.

love

…boys “often expressed a desire for a deeper connection with girls, but felt confused about how to make it happen.”

…when the boy sent her another message telling her that “he liked her,” she became “intrigued” by the possibility of a real relationship with him.

Let’s keep in mind that these are HIGH SCHOOL boys and girls we are talking about. Despite their own stated interests in actually exploring intimate, connected, meaningful, emotional relationships with one another – something BOTH boys and girls aspire to – Hess and her ilk continue to insist that boys really ARE predators, and girls really ARE prey. No matter how ardently, or clumsily the aspiration for a deeper connection is expressed, girls need to always keep in mind that BOYS ARE DANGEROUS.

threat

A disgusting text from a boy is bad, but a serious commitment with the sender could be a lot more dangerous.

Some young ladies, of course, are simply not going to buy into the myth that a relationship with a boy is pretty much asking to be regularly back-handed, and the name we have for those girls is STUPID. No matter. We’ll do our best to help them choose the least rotten apple!

First up, try and avoid the 50% of young men who volunteer and give back to their communities. I mean, sure, philanthropy is nice and all that, but when boys volunteer they still have to be all BOY about it, taking on physically demanding and challenging activities, and helping people younger than themselves learn about fair play and rules and winning and losing and all that sort of nonsense.

coach

Boys were more likely to undertake physical activities such as environmental cleanup or working with younger children in sports, while girls were more likely to help the homeless and other needy people or to work with arts groups.

Boys are just practicing for the inevitable moment they will get to overpower and abuse the girls silly enough to think they are, oh, lovely, caring human beings. Don’t buy the lie, ladies!

http://philanthropy.com/article/Half-of-American-Teenagers/135278/

Stay away from all those boys involved in extracurricular activities, especially sports and student governance, which lead to high self-esteem and the development of leadership qualities! High self-esteem in boys can only mean they feel free to beat the crap out of their girlfriends. Predator/prey, remember?

council

A considerable difference was observed between males and females in athletics and sports team participation in both school- and community-based activities. School-based extracurricular activities were appraised as most beneficial to the development of self-esteem and leadership role development.

http://lin.ca/Uploads/cclr10/CCLR10-112.pdf

And for heaven’s sake, steer way clear of those young entrepreneurial men who are increasingly one of the driving forces of innovation and development, not just in the modern economies, but around the world! Ladies have good reasons not to dirty their pretty mitts with tough and scrabble, live or die BUSINESS.

start up

In other words, in contrast to young men, young women are less likely to see opportunities, have a higher fear of failure and therefore, less likely to engage in entrepreneurship.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/babson/2012/12/05/closing-the-gender-gap-for-women-entrepreneurs/

Those boys are just trying to get money and power so they can abuse their girlfriends.

Teenage boys: more likely to get involved with their communities and schools, volunteer with children, create meaningful business ventures and do the dirty work we need as a culture to survive.

electro

Data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor statistics for all workers suggests that male workers are much more at risk than female. In 2009, 93 percent of the workers in America who died in the job were men.

• Also in July, 17-year-old plumber Benjamin Graham died in Albany, Georgia after being electrocuted while working under a home on a water pipe.

• In August, 16-year-old Damon Springer of Osgood, Ohio was struck by a bobcat frontend loader while working with his father in a family tree service company. Springer’s father did not see the boy and accidentally backed into him, crushing him.

• In September, 17-year-old Stephen N. Tiller was killed when crushed by a garbage truck while working for a family-owned sanitation company. Tiller was riding in the front of a front-loading garbage truck when the truck hit some bumps and sent the boy and another worker flying in front of the truck, which then ran him over.

• In October, 16-year-old Armando Ramirez died in Lamont, California after inhaling hydrogen sulfide in a drainage tunnel at Community Recycling and Resource recycling company

http://www.travelingsalescrews.info/pdf/2012_worst_jobs.pdf

Amanda Hess is rather audacious to draw an analogy between prey and predator in her writing. Does she honestly think that some of us, especially the mothers of sons, won’t see the truth? These grown women who sit in air-conditioned offices with their high heels and manicures, chastising their younger counterparts not to trust or love young men are the predators.

woman

And both young men and women are the prey.

When a grown women who presumably has a modicum of sense and humanity and understanding tells young women that random blowjobs are a good idea because hey, at least you will avoid being abused by that evil boy, it’s time to question who is speaking in our culture, and what damage is being done.

The TODAY show panel talks about that like it’s a bad thing, but “real relationships” don’t erase the potential for abuse; in some cases, they leave girls more vulnerable to repeat offenders.

The repeat offender here isn’t the hapless boy sending poorly worded texts to a girl he likes. The repeat offender is Amanda herself. The need to spin stories ever more crassly, to point blank treat young women as if they are stupid and young men as if they are monsters is telling in itself.

The cracks are beginning to show. The rhetoric of hate is becoming so amplified, it can only lead to one outcome: revolution.

rev

The sadness of the women’s movement is that they don’t allow the necessity of love. See, I don’t personally trust any revolution where love is not allowed.

Maya Angelou

Me either, Maya. And one revolution always follows the next.

Sooner or later.

I’m betting on sooner.

Lots of love,

JB

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