Tag Archives: 2012 sucked

New Year’s Resolutions from Judgy Bitch. For everyone else, of course. I’m damn near perfect- what do I need resolutions for?

31 Dec

new years

Stop being so goddam fat.  Seriously, just stop it.  It’s gross and ugly and it’s making you very, very unhappy and it’s a choice. The choice isn’t so much about what you put in your mouth, it’s about what and whom you care about, and how well you understand your own drive and your own desires.



Both men and women are hardwired to prefer slim, healthy bodies, but the brutal fact is that men can get away with a beer belly and less than stellar hygiene if they bring a lot of power, status and money to the table, and women can’t.  Your body is what confers status, so if you let it grow to gargantuan proportions, you are reducing, quite literally, your value.  And that will make you feel shitty and sad.  You can scream and rail at deeply ingrained biological instincts and try to change basic human desires overnight, or you can put down the cupcake, hit the gym and get in the game. Your body, your choice.


Learn how to cook  Seriously, it’s not that hard.  Get a cookbook and get at ‘er.  A key part of controlling your own weight will be to cook your own food.  Ladies, there is nothing, and I mean nothing that will convey love and care quite like a good meal.  There is no excuse for the “tee-hee aren’t I a useless twat in the kitchen” cultural trope that women think men find adorable.  Unless your husband is a chef, he doesn’t think your total and utter uselessness at providing one of the key necessities of life is adorable.


I’m all in favor of men who know how, and like to cook, but very few of those guys want to be saddled with the responsibility for every meal.  And most of them probably like some company in the kitchen, too.  Even if you are working fulltime, you will probably be working fewer hours than your guy in a job with less pressure and responsibility.  There is no wage gap, ladies; there is a men work harder and smarter gap.  Appreciate his work and do some of your own:  feed him, and your kids, too.


Read a book.   Or watch a movie, paint a picture, crochet some mittens, build a shelf.  Do something that requires you to step out of your own zone and your own ideas and confront the  world from someone else’s perspective.  Don’t choose the same old stuff you always pick.  Branch out.  You might think what you’re reading or watching is crap (and it might be), but it will give you a chance to refine your thoughts and define your position and even amend your opinions, should the evidence be good enough.  You don’t want to get stuck in a world where everyone agrees with everything you say, at all times.  Sample the world.  It will make you more interesting.  To everyone.


Don’t get a divorce.  Unless you don’t have kids, in which case do whatever the fuck you want.  But if you have children, divorce should be off the table except in cases of severe and extreme abuse.  Divorce will not make you happy, and it will destroy your children.  You will teach them that there are NO obligations, NO responsibilities and NO moral lines that should not be crossed.  You will fail in your most basic responsibility as a parent if you destroy your children’s family.  Whatever the issue is that you are facing, find some way to deal with it that doesn’t include divorce.  A sexless marriage?  That is what prostitutes are for.  He doesn’t pay attention to you?  Surround yourself with friends who DO.  He doesn’t share your interests?  Find some friends who DO.  He doesn’t help out enough around the house? Hire someone or lower your standards.  There is always a way.  All predicated on the assumption that you will act like a fucking grown-up and not get in fights or altercations with your spouse in front of your children, or at any time, really.

Your happiness does not depend upon another person.  It depends upon you.  So figure out what you want and find some way to get that – and don’t destroy your children.


Use your words  Don’t hit your children.  Ever.  It’s not okay.  I don’t give a shit what your imaginary friend thinks about parenting.  It’s wrong.  And if your imaginary friend happens to be a guy named Jesus, show me in the Bible where he went around beating up little kids? Yeah, Jesus would totally hit a toddler.  NOT!


Children, the most defenceless of all, are the only people we can legally assault in most Western nations.  Domestic violence, because of very low male reporting rates, comes across as men routinely beating and abusing women, but we only need to change one law to lay bare the facts of domestic violence and women’s supposed “gentle” natures.  Make it illegal to hit children.  If you were assaulted in your home when you were a small child, the perpetrator was almost certainly a woman.  One law, one change, and we would see instantly that most domestic violence is women hurting children.  Their own children!

Don’t hit your children.  There is no excuse.  If you can settle a problem with any other human without resorting to violence, then you can solve your problems with your children.  Any less makes you a terrible person.  Who hits a baby?  Seriously.  Not ever.


Single ladies, stop being sluts!  Married ladies, please carry on!  Very few men like sluts.  If you’re the sort of lady who doesn’t give a shit what men think or what they like, then please carry on, this doesn’t apply to you.  I’m speaking to women who DO like men, who WANT to have a man who loves them and lives for them, forever.  Ladies, you have been lied to. Being a slut, sampling a lot of dicks with no commitment and no affection, and letting men use you is NOT empowering.  It does not give you power.  It reduces your power in the sexual marketplace, which already skewed heavily in favor of men, thanks to slut culture.  If you are serious about finding a partner and a husband and a best friend who will walk through life with you, then you need to learn how to compete with sluts.  Here’s how:


Now, once you ARE married, that is the time to embrace your inner slut and bring her out!  All those sexy Kama Sutra positions that might have been dead embarrassing with some guy you just met in a bar will become hilarious and deeply bonding when you are trying them out with your husband.  Sex is one of the most important tools you have to keep your marriage deep and close and connected.  Every day is a reasonable goal.


A little caution for men when newborns come along:  that shit is exhausting, and there is no way you want anything going IN a place that just shoved a baby OUT.  It hurts, fucker.  So go away until you are invited back.

Other than that, slut it up, married ladies.  And remember that men only have to think about sex to want it.  Women’s desire works differently.  We need to feel physical sensations of arousal before we want sex.  That means that no matter how tired you are, no matter how interesting the new plot twist in Downton Abbey, no matter how appealing that hot bath looks, once you feel your husband’s hands on your body, you will probably want to slip between the sheets and carry out your own twists.  Say yes.  Always.


Find something beautiful in every day.  No matter how ugly the conditions, how desperate the circumstances, how tragic the situations, there is always something beautiful.  I hate when people say “everything happens for a reason” because childhood leukemia?  Sandy Hook school shooting?  Undiagnosed heart defects that kill teenage athletes in their prime (just happened here- so sad)?  WTF?

There is no reason for that shit to happen.  It sucks.  There is no rhyme or reason.  Random, unpredictable, unavoidable for the most part.  Sometimes things happen because life is cruel and people suck.  That’s when it becomes even more important to find that one, single thing of beauty.  No matter what monsters dwell under you bed, you can defeat them, with beauty.


Because beauty is love.  And love conquers all.

Happy New Year.

Lots of love,


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