Tag Archives: high heels vs flats

Expensive, impractical shoes won’t buy you love, ladies.

12 Dec


Katie Roiphe, writing at Slate has a *headdesk* article about her need to buy prohibitively expensive, stupidly impractical shoes, in which she waxes poetic about how these shoes will somehow transform her into a magical fairytime sexy princess.


Let’s keep in mind that Katie is a Proud Single Mother ™ who cares about her children so very much she has denied them the most important gift she could possibly bestow on them – a Daddy! Katie is the sole financial provider for her “family” and yet here she is, contemplating throwing money away on something so fucking useless, it almost defies comprehension.  “Why”, she asks, “do women buy these shoes”, as she goes ahead and buys those shoes.

Why indeed.  Here’s why:  despite embracing the cultural narrative that men are useless and irrelevant and that children are little bits of personal property that can be had by any woman with a bag of cash and a turkey baster, Katie still longs for a man.  Biology.  Always. Wins.  Katie still wants to feel sexy and special and take a starring role in a life that has a man and his desire (for her) at the center of it.  Well, good luck with that sweetheart.  Buying those shoes has probably accomplished just the opposite.

What man wants a woman who has two children out of wedlock, who thinks so little of the importance of a father that she deliberately and consciously eradicated a male presence from her home and her children’s lives, who earns money and spends it not on taking care of the children she decided to have or setting it aside for a rainy day, but spends it on herself in a futile effort to feel sexy and young and appealing?  Those shoes don’t say “desirable” or “radiant” or “exquisite”.

The say “Bag Of Fucking Crazy!”


The logic behind stupid shoes is that they elongate your legs, make your butt look higher and firmer, straighten your silhouette so you look slimmer and trimmer and thrust your chest forward so it looks more ample than it actually is.  The teetering vulnerability of a woman in 5 inch stilettos is supposed to appeal to men’s innate desire to protect and cherish.


Aaaaaaand most men don’t notice shoes at all.

Seriously, they don’t give a shit about your shoes, and if they do notice, they’re probably not thinking “wow, it’s so sexy that you are basically crippled and helpless”. A sane man wants a woman with her feet firmly on the ground.  The sort of woman who can stride alongside him and face whatever curveballs life throws without needing to stop because her feet are killing her and she’s getting a massive cramp in her calf.

Here’s what guys DO notice:

Your hair – if you really want to catch a man’s attention, grow your hair and keep it kempt.

Your smile – make it genuine.  Remember ladies, you can’t fake natural beauty.

Your friends – women without friends are deeply suspicious.

Your voice – Deep and manly?  Save that for men.  A feminine voice will always win.  So no screechy shit!

Your hip to waist ratio – High heeled shoes won’t make you look slim, ladies.  Losing weight will make you look slim.

Your glow – Radiance does not come from patent leather shoes, Katie.  It comes from a cheerful, loving heart and a sense of wonder and fun.  Having a good nature is having true beauty

What’s fake– Skip the false eyelashes, hair extensions, fake nails and overly made-up face.  You aren’t fooling anyone, and certainly not the man sitting across from you.

Your eyes – They are the window to your soul.  Accentuating them with a touch of makeup is fine, drowning them in buckets of glitter and cream eyeshadow is not.


See? No shoes.


What Katie is trying to buy when she buys $1500 shoes is love.  And not just any love: a man’s love.  She is trying to buy admiration, desire, lust, longing, sensuousness and ultimately, acceptance.  Everything about being a woman and looking like a woman is about competing for men and their attention.  Women don’t wear lipstick for their own personal pleasure.  They wear it to signal to other women “I’m in the game, bitch” and to signal to men “pick me!”. And you know what?  That’s fun!  And exhilarating and confidence building and aesthetically pleasing and life-enhancing.  Beauty is a wonderful thing.


But when the rest of your life is such a fucking mess, Katie, and you have two children that basically SCREAM your contempt for men and masculinity and fatherhood, all the shoes in the entire world are not going to help you.  You have consigned YOURSELF to the heap of bitter singleness, probably forever.


You made your bed, lady.   Never mind shoes.  You are on your own, so take that money and tuck it in a GIC somewhere.  Someday, you’re gonna need it.  And for the love of god, wear some practical shoes.  At least one part of your life should make some sense.

Lots of love,


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