Tag Archives: jezebel

Miley Cyrus may have delivered a brilliant parody of slut culture, but let’s all focus on what a dick Robin Thicke is!

28 Aug

Okay, I did it. I watched Miley Cyrus perform on the VMAs. I was prepared to be cringing and squirming and recoiling from my screen every ten seconds.

Meh. It wasn’t really that racy at all. Miley isn’t exactly the world’s most energetic dancer and she seemed to be having a lot of fun and at the end of the clip, she looks like nothing more than a 20 year old girl doing her damndest to be edgy and sexy without necessarily being all porny about it.

No really.

Her costume is revealing, to be sure, but not in a stereotypical way. I remember the first time I saw Christina Aguilera in her ass chaps, her panties visible under her “skirt” in Dirrty, and that video left me feeling like I needed a shower and an STD test.

Miley strips off to a nude colored latex bathing suit, but it’s very obviously a nude colored bathing suit, and covers far more than the costume Madonna wore on her MDMA tour. Here’s the view from the back.

Madonna sizzles in Miami as her MDNA Tour is filmed for DVD

Click here for a view from the front. NSFW.


Madonna, of course, is a feminist icon whose labia liberates women from hegemonic gender ideals.

Madonna is both a counter-hegemonic force and a feminist for two main reasons: she radically tries to change society by blurring the boundaries that separate different groups of people in society and she urges all people to gain power in their, lives and lift themselves out of subordinate positions


Madonna was the First Slut of slut culture, teaching women and girls that chaining yourself by the neck and lapping milk from the floor was actually totally empowering!

Madonna is the true feminist. She exposes the puritanism and suffocating ideology of American feminism, which is stuck in an adolescent whining mode. Madonna has taught young women to be fully female and sexual while still exercising total control over their lives. She shows girls how to be attractive, sensual, energetic, ambitious, aggressive and funny — all at the same time.



And Miley’s hair! Let’s talk about Miley’s hair. When she chopped it off and bleached it blonde, everyone wanted to know where sweet, adorable Hannah Montana went!


But she never had that hair to begin with. Miley herself explains how it was all smoke and mirrors and 350 hair extensions, and she’s done with that shit now.


So what is it that freaked everybody out about Miley’s VMA performance? Here’s what I think: Miley exposed, either deliberately or inadvertently, that pop culture, and feminist pop culture in particular, uses sexual promiscuity and availability as a barometer to gauge whether a woman is “grown-up” or not.

You aren’t grown up until you’ve fucked your train of guys, or at least look willing to do so.

Britney Spears did the same sort of “coming out”, transforming herself from lollipop sucking high school ingénue into fully fledged sex toy, but she did it in a way that suggested SHE was in charge of the whole process, and found the experience liberating and empowering. And she followed the porn script, as she is required to do. Tousled sexy hair, gaping mouth (insert dick here), strategically placed sparkles to draw attention to her breasts and crotch. She played everything out perfectly.


Which is just the message pop culture WANTS young women to receive: being a slut is totally cool and awesome and a marker that you, young woman, have arrived on the shores of liberty! Of course, being a slut is none of those things, but it is a really effective way to perpetuate “rape culture” and make certain that both young women and young men learn to mistrust their innate, natural desires for meaningful relationships with one another.


For whatever reason, whether consciously or out of total ineptness and naiveté, Miley refused to follow the script. Giant teddy bears and Hildegarde hair buns and granny panty bottoms, – Miley gave slut culture a nice big “fuck you”.

I found myself actually smiling at the end of the show, because I give Miley some credit, which may or may not be due. I feel like she was saying “Oh, I can’t be a grown-up until I prance around in some skimpy costume pretending to fuck some guy on stage? Okay then. Here goes!”

And then she proceeded to prance around in a skimpy costume that was as far from “sexy” as you can get and still be skimpy, she did her required ass-shaking dance moves and turned them into a parody, made the whole simulated sex thing look preposterous, and basically was so NOT hot, it was actually funny.

Miley Cyrus is only 20 years old, but that doesn’t make her stupid, and the woman has been in show business for a long, long time. It’s entirely plausible that she knew EXACTLY what she was doing, and why. In order to even contemplate the idea that Miley might have been making statement about the cultural expectations that mark her out as an adult, we would need to believe that Miley really is intelligent, aware, self-critical and powerful enough to bend her team to her will.


But if intelligent and aware = refusing slut culture, where does that leave feminists?

Well, duh! They’ll find a man to blame! It’s Robin Thicke’s fault!

Cyrus’s performance was shocking, but for reasons not being discussed. It was jarring because, as opposed to the random, half-nude models we’re used to seeing prance around Robin Thicke, we were watching a 20-year-old woman — a household name, someone we “know” — play the object in Thicke’s sexy sex dream. And as was the case during the Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake Super Bowl fiasco of 2004, the focus has been on Miley’s performance choices and not Thicke’s compliance in them. While criticizing a woman for her actions might imply that she’s being given an agency that has been long denied, it’s not. It’s holding her to a standard not required of her companion, who got to sit back and enjoy the young ass shoved in his face.


I’m really curious: what does Jezebel think Robin should have done when Miley decided to grind on him? He looks a little surprised, so let’s assume it wasn’t scripted.

He should have grabbed her hips and went to town on her?

No way! That’s rapey!

He should have moved away and left her grinding in mid-air?

No way! That would be rejecting her and humiliating her further!

He should have taken her hand and led her off stage back to her keepers?

No way! That’s paternalistic!

He should have reacted in a sort of bemused way, because those are some “Blurred Lines”?

There was no way for Robin to win this one, as is usually the case. It amuses me that Jezebel will go to town on Miley’s “appropriation” of black culture and call her out as having a responsibility to treat black music and culture and dance with respect, but then at the same time, try to blame everyone BUT Miley for her salacious, over the top attempt at sexualizing her own body.


Which is it? Is she an adult responsible for her behaviors and actions and the implications thereof, or is she a pretty little innocent being hopelessly exploited by big mean Robin Thicke?

You can’t have it both ways.

And how fucking ironic is it that a website called JEZEBEL is going to call someone else out for cultural appropriation? Oh, okay then.

The Jezebel stereotype is particularly damaging to black women, but here’s a bunch of mostly white ladies using the word to discuss … Celebrity, Sex and Fashion for Women. Nothing to see here, right? Move along.


Whether or not Miley INTENDED her performance to be a comment on slut culture and the requirement that young women equate adulthood with sexual salaciousness is kind of irrelevant. She subverted the sexy-porny-big hair-sparkly meme whether she meant to or not.

Whatever Miley is, she ain’t Britney Spears. Or Madonna. Or any other female performer who looks bed-ready at all moments. And I kind of like her response to ALL her critics.

It’s our party we can do what we want to

It’s our house we can love who we want to

It’s our song we can sing if we want to

It’s my mouth I can say what I want to


It’s probably a whole lot of wishful thinking on my part to think Miley Cyrus just pulled off some very clever commentary on slut culture, but since I begin with the idea that women are actually intelligent and capable and self-aware, I can easily allow for the possibility.

And even if she didn’t, she made playing at sluttiness look utterly absurd. Slutty Miley is completely embarrassing.

Which is just as it should be.

Lots of love,


Jezebel solves the problem of women’s inequality! It’s about bloody time.

17 Feb

As we all know, we are currently living through a cultural crisis in which women are demonstrably coming up short against male achievements and are thus still not equal to men. This is obviously a huge problem, particularly
in terms of the eventual and inevitable triumph of feminism, a theory that insists men and women ARE completely and absolutely equal in every measurable term, except for those terms in which we are not, but ….






Those terms don’t count anyways. Pipe down, lads. The ladies are speaking now.


Jezebel has an excellent suggestion for how ladies can actively counter the obviously blatant lie that we are NOT equal to men: humanities degrees are to be severely restricted, the school system is to be revamped to focus on science and mathematics and girls are to undergo rigorous training in all STEM fields and start going head to head with men on the basis of intellect and intelligence.




Put your tits away, girls. It’s time to start getting serious about inventing, producing and creating useful shit that benefits all of humanity. Enough with your fucking nail polish and urban anthropology and filing papers alphabetically.


We’re going to Mars, ladies! Who wants to sign up for the cold fusion team?




Oh shit.


Wrong article.




In actual fact, Jezebel thinks that the way forward to women’s equality lies in teaching women to ….


Wait for it….


It’s pretty good….




I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Judgy Bitch, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”


Nope. Not kidding.




To not let women fart is to not let them be fully human. To be free to fart it up with the menfolk is a sign of acceptance, not disintegrating social norms. And the feeling that women need to hide their farts is all part of the intense, building pressure to wax, pamper, perfume, and mask the realities of our own humanness. It’s all part of a system that shames us into feeling, yet again, like how we actually are is never, ever, ever as sweet-smelling as it should be. It’s enough to shame the most bulletproof secure among us into holding in a lifetime’s worth of farts just to fit in.


head desk


You know, I think I’ve really been doing this human thing wrong. I’ve been operating under the basic premise that to be human is to acknowledge the presence of other people in my world, and to behave in a way that suggests I believe them to have some basic entitlements to respect and courtesy, which oddly includes the right to NOT have to breathe in sulfuric gases that have just escaped my ass!


Goodness me! Well, that was a giant fail. Turns out I should have been ripping giant stinky ones the whole time, because anything less is a denial of my basic HUMANITY.




Of course, we all know that MEN fart wherever and whenever they please. Meeting the President? Let ‘er rip! Conference with the boss? Start with a Bronx cheer. Chatting up a chick at the bar? Impress her by dropping the cabbage bomb.


Yep. Men everywhere, farting at all times. Hanging out with men is like living in an open sewer. I love the smell of ass gas in the elevator!




I’m seriously not sure what to make of this kind of advice. Young women are growing up in a culture that tells them it’s okay to be fat, dress like a slut, not give a shit about how they look, not care about what men think EVEN IF THEY HAPPEN TO LIKE MEN AND WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE, and now this: feel free to fart as an expression of your basic humanity.








Do I really have to explain what is wrong with this advice? One doesn’t deliberately fart in front of other people because it is rude, it is gross, it is disrespectful, it is crass, it is deeply unpleasant and it suggests that you do NOT give one fuck about other people.





Charming. To the lady above, I hope you love being single, too.


Just the sort of advice women need MORE of: care less about other people.


You know, I realize that passing wind is a perfectly natural bodily function, but so is taking a dump. That doesn’t mean I should do it in public and impose the accompanying aromas on other people because fuck them anyways.




This is Tracy Moore, the lady who wrote the article at Jezebel. Try not to get on an elevator with her. She might feel the need to prove she is human.


I have a feeling that might really stink.


fart 3


Lots of love,




Jezebel celebrates NOT enforcing gender norms by hilariously enforcing gender norms

28 Nov

So apparently a big Swedish toy company cleverly reversed all the genders in its annual toy catalogue and accomplished a bold strike against the concept of gender in all permutations!  Boys with irons!  Girls with guns! So revolutionary!


Heard of a bachelor before?

Ever seen this lady (and by the way, I fucking LOVE Sarah Palin!)?  Why are people such idiots?

What’s really adorably, cluelessly clever about Jezebel is how they think they can tell a child’s gender by the length of the child’s hair.  This is a girl:

This boy disagrees:

So does this one:

And him too:

And this little guy has a giant fuck you for Jezebel:

How ridiculous is it that in one sweep, Jezebel can decide that all children with long hair are girls and all children with short hair are boys, deny the fact that most men are perfectly fucking capable of taking on domestic skills and that most women can pick up a gun if they choose to do so and then proclaim it some kind of victory in the war against gender?

Hey, I have an idea:  let’s allow children to decide which toys they want to play with and stop trying to force little kids into carrying out some kind of ideological agenda in service to a pack of witches who really don’t give a shit about children in the first place! Here is a useful chart to help you determine whether a toy is appropriate for a boy or a girl:

The reality is that most boys will pick up a gun and most girls will head for the play kitchen and those preferences begin in INFANCY.  Stop trying to force children to swallow your bullshit theories about gender being socially constructed, Jezebel!  IT’S NOT SOCIALLY CONSTRUCTED!


And fuck you Sweden, too.  I personally predict that Sweden will be the place the backlash against feminism will begin. There’s a whole generation of men who have been taught to hate themselves, their values, their preferences, their proclivities, their desires, their bodies and their very selves.  They have been turned into slaves, working to make the state a place where only women and those who act like women are valued and acknowledged.


That ain’t gonna work in the long run.  Slaves revolt.  It may take time, but it WILL happen.  And Sweden will be ground zero with its enforced paternity leave and mandatory daycare and fucking toy catalogues.

Here’s a toy buying hint from JudgyBitch:  Ask the kid what they like.  Buy that.  Unless it’s a pony or a real spaceship.  In that case, tell them their mom said it was a secret, but that’s what they’re getting for their birthday!

Lots of love,


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