Tag Archives: Katie Roiphe

Katie Roiphe thinks online relationships are more real than real ones, explaining once again, why she is single.

10 Feb


I have a love hate relationship with Katie Roiphe, ever since she published her first book, The Morning After: Sex, Fear and Feminism, in which she argues, among other things, that expanding the definition of sexual assault to include any kind of sex a woman is later unhappy with ultimately results in a culture that fails to take rape seriously.  Whiny, boo-hoo bitches who wake up ashamed have made it nigh unto impossible for victims of violent sexual assault to secure justice, or even just have anyone believe they didn’t consent to be dragged in a back alley and raped.



One of the triumphs of feminism:  when every sexual encounter can potentially be defined as rape, every man becomes a potential rapist.  Schrödinger’s rapist is a popular meme, playing off of Schrödinger’s cat, a thought experiment in physics in which cat in a box is either dead or alive, depending upon a random interaction between subatomic particles which may or may not have triggered the release of lethal radioactivity.


The general idea captured by Schrödinger’s Rapist is that every man should be treated as a rapist, no matter what the circumstances.  Check out this little piece and allow me to draw attention to one passage in particular, addressed to MEN, the potential rapists:

“…you must be aware of what signals you are sending by your appearance and the environment.”


Wait a minute!?  Are you saying that the clothing you are wearing and your general appearance and attitude can convey signals to people that they may or may not interpret correctly??  It’s neat how that applies to men, ALL MEN ALL THE TIME, but never to women.


Let’s get back to Katie.  In this piece at Slate, she argues that online flirtations and relationships conducted across a computer screen are MORE real than relationships in real life.



It’s interesting that in all three examples she cites, it’s the man who is the cheating, dirty, scumbag and the woman who is the innocent, unsuspecting, put-upon victim.  Actually scratch that.  It’s not interesting at all.  It’s getting downright wearisome to listen to the message over and over again.  Yeah, yeah, we get it Katie.  Men suck.

Just what is it about cheating online that seems so much more real to Katie?

Received wisdom tells us online communications are unreal, fake, and distant, but they can, in fact, be the opposite; they can represent very intense fantasies, distilled versions of romantic yearning, including its darker, more narcissistic sides, honest articulations, for better or for worse, of the inner life.

So relationships that are REAL, according to Katie, involve intense fantasies, romantic yearning, narcissism and the inner life.  Hers, one presumes.

face palm

Oh, Katie.  You’re operating on a set of assumptions that virtually guarantees you will never have a relationship of any length or meaning with anyone in your life.

woman alone

Real relationships don’t involve fantasies.  They are all about facing the nitty gritty details of life with humor and cheer and compromise and most of all, an infallible sense of being together in the storm.  You can’t imagine away your partner’s flaws, nor your own.  You have to face them, and try to keep your head and stay rational and sane even when you feel like you will lose your mind if he fails once again to break down the empty cereal box before piling it up on all the other recycling.

You hear that, Mr. JB?  BREAK DOWN THE BOXES.  That’s how you prevent an unwieldy pile of cardboard from sliding down the back stairs!


Real relationships may start with romantic yearning, but what are you yearning for?  For love?  Acceptance?  Affection?  Physical pleasure?  Those things develop over time and grow more intense the longer you are together.  They require the physical presence of another person and can never be replicated by a name on a screen or words on a page.  Words can portray the intensity of feelings, but they cannot substitute for feelings themselves.


Narcissism and the inner life.  There’s the nail in the coffin, darling.  The key to happy relationships that last forever is that you always, always put the other person’s happiness first.  And that applies to both people in a relationship.  My happiness comes before his, his happiness comes before mine.

It’s the opposite of narcissism.  Selflessness.

For the past seventy years, feminists have been shrieking at women to reject this definition of relationships.  Selflessness is just another word for oppressed.  No one’s happiness or well-being should come before a woman’s own.  The only acceptable priority for any woman is HERSELF.

women first

How’d that work out for ya?

Poor, Katie.  Sitting in her apartment, typing on her computer with her sperm donor kids out with the nanny, wondering why she doesn’t have a relationship.  She has all the qualifications:  fantasy, yearning, narcissism and a pre-occupation with her inner life.

Like the proverbial cat in a box, wondering if she will live or die based on seemingly random events.

Here’s my advice:  close the computer and get out into the real world.  Go and meet some real, live flesh and blood men, and when you find one you can love, make a choice:  put his happiness above your own.  Choose selflessness.


That’s how the cat gets out alive.

Every time.

Lots of love,


Expensive, impractical shoes won’t buy you love, ladies.

12 Dec


Katie Roiphe, writing at Slate has a *headdesk* article about her need to buy prohibitively expensive, stupidly impractical shoes, in which she waxes poetic about how these shoes will somehow transform her into a magical fairytime sexy princess.


Let’s keep in mind that Katie is a Proud Single Mother ™ who cares about her children so very much she has denied them the most important gift she could possibly bestow on them – a Daddy! Katie is the sole financial provider for her “family” and yet here she is, contemplating throwing money away on something so fucking useless, it almost defies comprehension.  “Why”, she asks, “do women buy these shoes”, as she goes ahead and buys those shoes.

Why indeed.  Here’s why:  despite embracing the cultural narrative that men are useless and irrelevant and that children are little bits of personal property that can be had by any woman with a bag of cash and a turkey baster, Katie still longs for a man.  Biology.  Always. Wins.  Katie still wants to feel sexy and special and take a starring role in a life that has a man and his desire (for her) at the center of it.  Well, good luck with that sweetheart.  Buying those shoes has probably accomplished just the opposite.

What man wants a woman who has two children out of wedlock, who thinks so little of the importance of a father that she deliberately and consciously eradicated a male presence from her home and her children’s lives, who earns money and spends it not on taking care of the children she decided to have or setting it aside for a rainy day, but spends it on herself in a futile effort to feel sexy and young and appealing?  Those shoes don’t say “desirable” or “radiant” or “exquisite”.

The say “Bag Of Fucking Crazy!”


The logic behind stupid shoes is that they elongate your legs, make your butt look higher and firmer, straighten your silhouette so you look slimmer and trimmer and thrust your chest forward so it looks more ample than it actually is.  The teetering vulnerability of a woman in 5 inch stilettos is supposed to appeal to men’s innate desire to protect and cherish.


Aaaaaaand most men don’t notice shoes at all.

Seriously, they don’t give a shit about your shoes, and if they do notice, they’re probably not thinking “wow, it’s so sexy that you are basically crippled and helpless”. A sane man wants a woman with her feet firmly on the ground.  The sort of woman who can stride alongside him and face whatever curveballs life throws without needing to stop because her feet are killing her and she’s getting a massive cramp in her calf.

Here’s what guys DO notice:

Your hair – if you really want to catch a man’s attention, grow your hair and keep it kempt.

Your smile – make it genuine.  Remember ladies, you can’t fake natural beauty.

Your friends – women without friends are deeply suspicious.

Your voice – Deep and manly?  Save that for men.  A feminine voice will always win.  So no screechy shit!

Your hip to waist ratio – High heeled shoes won’t make you look slim, ladies.  Losing weight will make you look slim.

Your glow – Radiance does not come from patent leather shoes, Katie.  It comes from a cheerful, loving heart and a sense of wonder and fun.  Having a good nature is having true beauty

What’s fake– Skip the false eyelashes, hair extensions, fake nails and overly made-up face.  You aren’t fooling anyone, and certainly not the man sitting across from you.

Your eyes – They are the window to your soul.  Accentuating them with a touch of makeup is fine, drowning them in buckets of glitter and cream eyeshadow is not.


See? No shoes.


What Katie is trying to buy when she buys $1500 shoes is love.  And not just any love: a man’s love.  She is trying to buy admiration, desire, lust, longing, sensuousness and ultimately, acceptance.  Everything about being a woman and looking like a woman is about competing for men and their attention.  Women don’t wear lipstick for their own personal pleasure.  They wear it to signal to other women “I’m in the game, bitch” and to signal to men “pick me!”. And you know what?  That’s fun!  And exhilarating and confidence building and aesthetically pleasing and life-enhancing.  Beauty is a wonderful thing.


But when the rest of your life is such a fucking mess, Katie, and you have two children that basically SCREAM your contempt for men and masculinity and fatherhood, all the shoes in the entire world are not going to help you.  You have consigned YOURSELF to the heap of bitter singleness, probably forever.


You made your bed, lady.   Never mind shoes.  You are on your own, so take that money and tuck it in a GIC somewhere.  Someday, you’re gonna need it.  And for the love of god, wear some practical shoes.  At least one part of your life should make some sense.

Lots of love,


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