Tag Archives: Polygamy

Yoo hoo! Hey all you career ladies with no time for a husband! And all you single mamas! And all you older ladies hitting the wall! I have the solution to all your man-hunting woes!

28 Apr

If you’re on the market for some serious scientific data to support your hypotheses about various types of human behavior (or anything else, for that matter), you need only look as far as Yahoo!  They do surveys!  With people!  They met on the Internet!  Why don’t we just let Yahoo take charge of ALL the science!?!

yahoo

Take this “study”, for example:  more than 40 per cent of single men and women simply don’t have time to search out their soul-mates.

Hey, n = 1000.  Good enough!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-184511/Workaholics-busy-love.html

Okay, I’m just poking fun at my source material, but there is quite a bit of conversation surrounding the fact that high-powered careers leave little time for the pursuit of happiness, and this is a cause of consternation amongst the ladies in particular.  Why, some of them even feel guilty for thinking that a relationship with a man might be nice!

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/women-in-their-20s-shouldnt-feel-bad-about-wanting-a-boyfriend/273737/

God forbid you should suggest that women use their time at college to look for a husband though!  That’s just straight up oppression and misogyny!

http://jezebel.com/princeton-mom-feminists-are-bullies-women-in-their-30-476587551

Never mind that fact that college educated men aren’t the only ones worth pursuing! Ssssh.  We’re not talking about that. NO MEN EVER are worth pursuing.  If life isn’t about YOU and ONLY YOU, you’re doing it wrong.

ssh

http://judgybitch.com/2013/03/30/hey-ivy-league-ladies-if-you-want-to-marry-up-you-need-to-marry-young-so-get-out-there-and-nail-down-a-freshman/

luggage

And it doesn’t get any easier for single moms, either.  In some shocking news, ladies who come with more baggage than Heathrow’s Terminal One have a hard time snagging (the next) Mr. Right.  Nothing says “Pick me! Pick me!” like a long string of really poor decisions and a complete lack of self-reflection.

http://necolebitchie.com/2008/01/07/13-reasons-to-avoid-dating-single-mothers/

And once you reach that “certain age” and are hitting the wall in terms of looks and fertility, well, oof!  The search for Prince Charming just took a turn to GoodFuckingLucksVille.

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/sex/story/0,,1051274,00.html

The key to dating after 35 is to treat the entire process as a kind of mergers and acquisitions deal.

book

Greenwald is the hottest thing to hit America’s dating scene since Sex and the City. She is a slick graduate of the elite Harvard Business School who believes the ruthless rules of commerce can be applied to the hunt for a mate. Out go roses, chocolates and eyes meeting across a crowded room. In come ‘branding’ and ‘marketing’. Romance may not be dead inside this room, but it certainly seems to have gone corporate.

Oh my god, that is so romantic!  I can see the men lining up for a shot at one of these lasses.  The queue must go right around the block, assuming we’re talking about a lego block.

lego

But never fear ladies!  JudgyBitch is here to share her incomparable brilliance relating to bag of rocks stupid women who have no clue what men want or what will make them happy.

rocks

The solution to all your man-hunting woes is….

polygamy

POLYGAMY!

Bear with me now.

Let’s start with the busy busy busy worker bees.  Life is long, but the days are short, dammit, and there is just no realistic way to work 60 hour weeks as the senior editor of a fashion magazine (or whatever pointless fucking thing you’re doing, because it sure as hell isn’t likely to be curing cancer), fit in trips to the salon and the masseuse, get to yoga class, have drinks with the girls three nights a week, do some shopping, attend mandatory therapy sessions, update your Pinterest board and your status on Facebook AND have time for a man, too.

It’s just too much.  Overwhelming!  And obviously, you need priorities.  But the solution is so simple!  Let’s say you, and two or three of your best girls, get together with your laptops and compile your perfect man.  Locate the qualities that overlap in your mutual lists (Venn diagrams are helpful), and then find yourselves a man that meets at least one criteria for each of you and SHARE THAT MAN LIKE A LEMON MERINGUE PIE.

Important aside: best pie chart ever:

pie

It’s a win-win situation.  You all have money and can take care of your own bills.  Maybe you could chuck a cardboard box in the bottom of one of the closets for him to keep some stuff in on the days he’s YOUR husband, although a sturdy backpack might be a better option.  He doesn’t need to leave ANY shit at your place at all.

backpack

Men like variety, and have been known to get really sick of putting up with women’s shit on a day to day basis, and since you’re all special and unique individuals, it’s unlikely you’ll all be pulling the exact SAME shit, so he gets a welcome break (not from shit, just from YOUR shit).

http://sexliestruth.blogspot.ca/2011/04/sexual-variety-is-spice-of-life.html

Shouldn’t be too much work to write an algorithm that allows each of you to have one weekday and one weekend day with your husband, and for the rest of the time, you are as free as a little jaybird!

divide

Win-win, and you’re welcome!

Now, for the single mothers. Well, you have all gone and fucked yourselves quite nicely.  But hope is not lost!  Polygamy can work for you, too!  You’re probably going to be in need of a little cash to go with your shared sausage, so you’ll be hunting for a different sort of man.  He’ll need to be rich, or at least capable of supporting you partially, in addition to his first wife and family.

trailer

If you’re living in a trailer park in Arkansas, we’re not talking Donald Trump. A good solid middle class salary ought to suffice. Sadly, you won’t have the same kind of equality of status that the career ladies have.  You’ll have to settle for being the lesser wife.  Hierarchies suck, especially when you’re at the bottom, but you probably should have considered that BEFORE you decided to become a single mama.

You’ll have to focus on the BENEFITS.  First, your children will have some sort of male role model, and you should never, ever discount the importance of that.  Children need their fathers, and if they can’t have their OWN fathers, then someone else’s will have to do.  It’s better than nothing.  Second, you’ll have some help with the bills.  Becoming a single mother goes hand in hand with poverty, but apparently the meaning of the word poverty has been lost somewhere in translation, because millions of women continue to opt for that life, for both themselves and their children.

http://www.policymic.com/articles/11316/27-3-of-single-parent-households-live-in-poverty

And third, you will have a real, honest to god, flesh and blood husband!  You won’t have him full time obviously, and your scheduled times will be at the whim of the primary wife, but again, it’s better than nothing.  Think of how nice it will be for your husband, who doesn’t have to worry about all the bullshit intricacies and the tangled webs of infidelity and stepping out.  He can step out whenever he likes!  With his OTHER wife!

And if you’re smart, you’ll be sure to suck up hard to the Primary Wife, because she just might decide to babysit while you have your time with your shared husband.  How perfect is that?  Father figure for your child, a little extra cash, a man of your (sort of) own and a built in babysitter.

I’m a goddamn genius, I tell you.

And now for the older ladies.  The lonely cougars with aching ovaries who just left the whole husband and kids thing a little too late. Polygamy is your blessing, too.  Like the single mamas, you will have to accept a slightly downgraded status in terms of where you rank on the wife scale, but that’s not such a big price to pay, is it?  The alternative is life as a cat lady, so I think not.

cat lady

The older ladies, provided they have minded the shape of their ass and have cultivated at least SOME sexual skills can bring the pleasures of variety to a man minus all the difficulties of infidelity, and they have an outside shot at confirming his virility by producing that last heir.  And it’s not like you’d be a single mother, for goodness sakes!  Being a second (or third, or fourth) wife is still being a wife.

Polygamy:  just one giant win!  The ladies get a man, and all the benefits that come with that, and the men get a variety of booties to hit without all the drama that comes with cheating.  Obviously, there won’t be any drama of any kind in these sorts of arrangements, right?  What could the source of conflict be?  Maybe some scheduling squabbles?  Well, Christ, a good iPhone app can deal with that.  If McDonald’s can get that Happy Meal on the tray in under three minutes, you can figure out how to divide your time between a couple of families.

happy

Divorced folks do it all the time, just without the benefits of continued sex.  Easy peasy.

And if you think this whole post has just been one giant joke, you need to read this:

http://www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/newsreview/features/article1248019.ece

Polygamy is the new face of Britain.  Can the rest of the Western world be far behind?

What can possibly go wrong?  Riddle me that.

Lots of love,

JB

Barbie comes out in favor of polygamy, and other twisted stories from Jezebel.

21 Nov

First, they went after pink Legos (they’re BAD!), then they went after Guess Who? (it’s sexist!) and now the awesome writers at Jezebel are going after dollhouses (they enforce gender norms!), proving that if you go looking for misery, you are sure to find it.

http://jezebel.com/5939541/girly-legos-are-officially-a-success-now-what

http://jezebel.com/5961710/awesome-six+year+old-girl-writes-to-hasbro-about-gender-inequality-in-guess-who

http://jezebel.com/5962277/the-gender-politics-of-the-dollhouse

So what’s wrong with dollhouses?  Well, they involve little figures of humans (called dolls), who play in a house (called a dollhouse) and this is clearly, outrageously sexist!  Humans in a house?  Absurd!  How can this be allowed?  They’re HETERONORMATIVE!  What’s that you say?  That most humans are heterosexual?  Oh, get out of here with your facts and logic.  Only gay people live in houses.  Everyone knows that!

Interestingly enough, Jezebel LIKES the Barbie Malibu DreamHouse, because it’s filled with lady dolls and only one boy doll!   “[This] type of house, however, had themes of friendship and, dare I say, female-independence.  These houses had only women or, more often, a group of women and one man.  They gave the impression of female home-ownership and female-dominated social interaction.”

Whoo boy, did you get that one wrong, Jezebel.  The Malibu Dream House isn’t about female friendship and female-dominated social interaction.  It’s about POLYGAMY!  That man (let’s call him Ken, shall we?) is the husband and all those lovely, lithe Barbies in the house with him?  Yeah, those are his wives. All of them.  Ken is in the kitchen, having a meal that one of his wives prepared for him.  His other wives are lounging on the bed (in case he wants sex),  fixing their hair (in case he wants a blow job), working in the kitchen (in case he wants ANOTHER sandwich) and doing astronomy in a bikini on the roof because why the hell not?  It’s Malibu! It’s a Dream! In a House!

Hmm.  I wonder if MissBossyPants would like a Malibu Dream House for Christmas this year?  Polygamy is not really in line with our values, but hey, you never know.  It’s a known fact that playing with dollhouses causes fun and imagination and crazed feminist rantings about topics so fucking absurd it boggles the bloody mind.

Perhaps we’ll just stick with the pink Legos.  PinkyPinkyPie wants a butter churn (for real).  I think maybe an EasyBake oven is the way to go with her little sister.  You can never start too early!

Lots of love,

JB

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