My husband pays all the bills, so I OWE him blowjobs, right?

11 Jan

Wurtzel

http://jezebel.com/elizabeth-wurtzel/

Many years ago, a young girl, the product of a broken family, decided to deal with her crippling depression and anxiety by swallowing copious amounts of fluoxetine, otherwise known as Prozac.  She chronicled her journey down the rabbit hole of psychotropic medications in a book called Prozac Nation, which was an immediate bestseller, and launched a genre known as the “confessional memoir”.  Her use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors has led her, all these years later, into a life devoid of any accomplishment or affection or admiration.

“I have no husband, no children, no real estate, no stocks, no bonds, no investments, no 401(k), no CDs, no IRAs, no emergency fund—I don’t even have a savings account”.

prozac

Hey, sign me up for Prozac!  Sounds like a world of good times. So here is Wurtzel, with no husband, fucked up beyond belief, weighing in on relationships:

“I am committed to feminism and don’t understand why anyone would agree to be party to a relationship that is not absolutely equal. I believe women who are supported by men are prostitutes, that is that, and I am heartbroken to live through a time where Wall Street money means these women are not treated with due disdain”.

Oh ho!  Really?  Really, Lizzie?  We’re prostitutes, are we?  And due disdain?  What the hell is that?  Should all the housewives of New York be lined up, have their heads shaved and be marched down the streets while the proper women leave their cubicles to jeer and throw apple cores?

france

The idea that women who are financially dependent on men are prostitutes is not new, and in a way, doesn’t bother me at all.  What’s wrong with being a prostitute?  I think I have every right to determine the value of my sexuality and to trade it for cash, should I choose to do that.  My body, my choice, right?

fuck-you-traitor

Then again, maybe not.

No, what I object to in Wurtzel’s despairing accusation is that my relationship with my husband is a strict quid pro quo exchange of one service for another.  It’s Wurtzel’s insistence that an equal relationship can only be measured by one metric:  MONEY.  A  marriage is a vehicle for the EXCHANGE of wealth.

That leads to only one conclusion: If my husband earns all the money, I must OWE him something for that, and in Wurtzel’s mind, that one thing is SEX.  Wurtzel didn’t say women who are supported by men are HOUSEKEEPERS, because that would mean I owe my husband a clean house.  She didn’t say women who are supported by men are CHEFS, because that would mean I owe my husband food.  She didn’t say women who are supported by men are NANNIES because that would mean I owe my husband childcare.

Nope.  We’re PROSTITUTES, so that means what I owe my husband in exchange for my keep is BLOWJOBS. Lots of them.  What’s the street rate for a blowjob? I’m not sure.  Let’s say $50?  Does that sound fair? So we’ll put Mr. JB’s salary at $100 000/year (I’m not really sure, I pay very little attention to those details).  That means I owe Mr. JB 2000 blowjobs every year.

Jesus.  That’s over 5 blowjobs a day, no weekends off!

As an aside, Mr. JB says I can have Sundays off, as long as I pick up the slack the rest of the week.

laughing

So in Wurtzel’s mind, I have two choices:  I can ante up and deliver my fair share of blowjobs, or I can get out there and earn some money, thereby reducing my blowjob workload.  If I picked up a job for say, $50 000/year, I would be down to just over 2 blowjobs a day.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what a truly equal partnership looks like!  Microsoft Excel is going to be useful in keeping track of all this.  I’m also going to need some kneepads and probably a whole lot of Prozac to survive this kind of equality.

Is it any surprise that Wurtzel finds herself without a husband or children?  When you view the most private and intimate relationships as merely a vehicle to exchange things of value, you end up alone with nothing of any value at all.

Here is what DOES get exchanged in a marriage:  love, first and foremost.  That feeling of knowing someone else, and being known. Of accepting someone else, for all their flaws and foibles, and being accepted in return.  Knowing yourself to be valued and respected and adored, and waking up every morning next to someone you yourself value and respect and adore.

bed

Dignity comes in a close second.  Putting together a life that includes a home and friends and children and pets and enough time to enjoy all those things in a meaningful way is a lot of work.  One person needs to earn the money to make all that possible, and the other person needs to do the work to make it all fall together, and there is tremendous dignity in succeeding, or at least trying.  My husband doesn’t look at me and think “you lazy bitch, where’s the cash”? He looks at me and thinks “thank you for this life”.  And the feeling is mutual.

Modern marriage can be a real trap, especially for men, who tend to earn more money than women, and in a culture that sees marriage as primarily a vehicle to exchange things for cash value, the highest earner has the most to lose.  Women like Elizabeth Wurtzel, who promote the idea that a marriage between equal partners can only be measured in terms of dollar values are the principle reason marriage is such a mess.  Why enter a contract in which love and respect and dignity and value are seen as superfluous to the real measure of value:  a bank account statement?

She’s a good cautionary tale, too.  Wurtzel has nothing.  So that theory worked out well, didn’t it?

Let’s be clear:  sex in marriage is an absolutely fantastic thing.  It’s the glue that keeps couples together.  Sex promotes the production of hormones and feelings that drive human pair bonding, and it’s just a whole lot of fun.

http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

Love is an art, but it’s a science, too.  Here’s some advice from a woman who has been married for 13 years and counting:  when your husband pisses you off – like, really pisses you off – take off all your clothes and make love to him.  Then discuss your issue.  You will find your rage has dissipated, the problem (whatever it is) becomes surmountable and he will probably give you whatever you ask for.  It works.  Trust me.

Check out these cute boots!

Relaxing on Bed in Cowboy Boots

Wait!  Did I just say that?  I had sex with my husband so he would buy me cute boots?

Er, yep!  God, I’m such a whore!

Lots of love,

JB

22 Responses to “My husband pays all the bills, so I OWE him blowjobs, right?”

  1. Liz January 11, 2013 at 13:50 #

    So glad I found this site, JB. Well said.

    I’ve heard this sentiment many times (wife=whore, et al). It’s a natural consequence of the disintegration of the family (bastard offspring of no-fault divorce, in a nutshell). Anyone who understands the concept of ‘family’ understands the marriage pact. Your husband is your closest family, same for the wife to the husband. No one who believes otherwise about his or her intended should ever marry, and definitely never ever produce offspring.

    And I’m with you on sex too. Nothing beats the angry screw for fixing what ails ya…at the end of it you’re like, “huh, what were we arguing over exactly? Must not have been that important….” Almost better than happy sex, which is up there with needy sex, next to angsty sex, which runs a close second to edgy sex…there’s little a good jump in the hay can’t ameliorate/cure/make better in every way. I’ve been married longer than you JB, and we’re still doing it every feasible day. Some flight attendants recently asked my husband (pilot) the secret to our longterm happy marriage, and he told them daily sex. I thought that was a bit simplistic, but agree for the most part. Marry the right person, consider them your closest family, and have very frequent intimate relations together.

    Like

  2. judgybitch January 11, 2013 at 13:57 #

    Don’t forget the “I feel fat today so you better act like you haven’t noticed that I ate the entire box of chocolates” sex.

    Like

  3. Liz January 11, 2013 at 14:06 #

    Lol!
    That’s when I wear my “wife beater” tee shirt for sex. 🙂 Sex when pregnant was my challenge…never felt desirable then, but he thought I looked wonderful and completely desirable always! Sign of an excellent man.

    Like

  4. judgybitch January 11, 2013 at 14:09 #

    Oh absolutely! Pregnant sex was awesome. The “deliberately trying to have a baby” sex was indescribable. Something so primal and hot about wanting that seed to grow into a baby.

    Good lord. I think my husband needs to come home for lunch today.

    Like

  5. happycrow January 11, 2013 at 15:49 #

    Glad you jumped on this one. I beat her up a little on FB, but I think I really need to sit down and write up a nice “so you want strict equality, eh?” post. It’s something I used to cover in my classes when we got to the New Left and the rise of NOW, the Redstockings, etcetera.

    Like

  6. happycrow January 11, 2013 at 17:25 #

    Wait a second… my wife earns more than me… let me break out Excel and see how much extra screwing I”m on the hook for this week…. :p

    She gets her next promotion, I’m gonna be a mummified husk….

    Like

  7. judgybitch January 11, 2013 at 17:55 #

    THe solution is to value yourself more highly.

    Let’s say $2000 per lay?

    Is that manageable? Hey, we’re no common whores, right?

    Like

  8. Liz January 11, 2013 at 18:42 #

    Present arms! 🙂

    Heh, I have a friend who recently divorced from a wife who refused to have sex with him (over the course of many many months). He subsequently procured a 2000 dollar “professional” for two hours and said it was the best 2000 dollars he ever spent. Good sex is worth a mint.

    Like

  9. Edita TWRA January 11, 2013 at 19:22 #

    Jesus these feminists are such disgusting harpies.

    Like

  10. happycrow January 11, 2013 at 19:23 #

    “Uncommon Whores, this Thursday, On Fox.”

    Like

  11. princesspixiepointless January 11, 2013 at 20:00 #

    I so LOVE those boots!!!

    Like

  12. culdesachero January 11, 2013 at 21:03 #

    I devote my entire life to my wife and devotes her entire life to mBINGO!!!!EQUALITY!!!! It’s a fair one for one deal. Unless you believe something stupid like women are worth more than men or vice versa. Once we figured that out, it didn’t matter how much more house work she did (I can never keep up) or how much sex we had. We stopped keeping track and just began to enjoy our live together. The pressure was lifted and we both felt relieved.

    Like

  13. judgybitch January 11, 2013 at 21:07 #

    Amen! There you go! That is the recipe for happiness. She is your light and you are hers and that’s how it works.

    Like

  14. combs2jc January 11, 2013 at 21:09 #

    I much prefer YOUR idea of what marriage is to that man-hating-b***ch-commando-femmenist.

    Like

  15. combs2jc January 11, 2013 at 21:09 #

    ps I’m sharing this on FB

    Like

  16. judgybitch January 11, 2013 at 21:22 #

    Really?!?

    Just think: five blowjobs a day!

    And that’s just to break even!

    😛

    Like

  17. combs2jc January 11, 2013 at 21:49 #

    LOL no that;s not what I meant LOL. But I do think that so many marriages fail because of attitudes like that spinster you were talking about. If she doesn’t wake up(and she probably won’t) I predict a nothing is going to change in her family life. Anyone who keeps a scorecard will never be happy anyway. If someone has scorecards in their mind they don’t have love, respect, trust and all the other things that make a successful marriage possible. Ya I have two failed marriages … but that does not mean that I don’t recognize the successful ones and admire the ones who make it work.

    Like

  18. Marlo Rocci January 19, 2013 at 21:31 #

    She must have a strong jaw.

    Like

  19. beth August 15, 2013 at 05:31 #

    I prefer to be called hooker. It sounds so much more sassy! 😉

    Like

  20. Cameron September 21, 2013 at 14:12 #

    Very well written! It does me good as a man who has just about given up on women because of all this feminism crap. I always respected and valued women. I never beleieved they were less than men until become bombarded with all this feminism crap. I recently read an article where a woman complained that men masturbating degrades women! You can choose what to do with your body (abortion, sex, blowjobs, swallowing) but now you get to choose what I do with mine. One article, 5 minutes to read, and all respect I had for women evaporated.

    This article restores my faith that not all women are selfish and unrealistic. Now if my wife just believed in the sex practices discussed here, we would probably never argue!

    Like

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  1. Blogroll: Judgy Bitch | iParallax - March 5, 2014

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  2. more on prostitution and Janet Bloomfield’s Trial | razorbladekandy - November 30, 2014

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