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Peter Lloyd is wrong to oppose women’s only gym time. I go to the gym to check out other women’s asses and that’s easier when all the pesky men are gone.

23 Apr


Ladies, you all know by now that I am one judgy bitch, but I’ll bet you didn’t know just how fast I can slap you into a box.




You have 20 seconds to impress me, and then your time is up.


Here are the main things I will be evaluating about you:


How fat are you?

Fat is good.

How much make-up are you wearing?

Four dollar hooker is good.

Do you have any sense of fashion at all?

Slovenly is good.

What is up with your hair?

Rat’s nest is good.

Do you have a nice smile?

Crooked teeth, grimace and halitosis is good.

Is your skin clear?

Age spots, wrinkles and pimples are good

How tall are you?

Freakishly tall or small, either is good.

Touched up your highlights recently?

Four inches of grey regrowth is very good.

How’s that fake tan?

Orange with the texture of a leather handbag is good.

How’s that eyeshadow?

Pink glitter liner and purple eyeshadow is great!

What’s on your feet?

Tattered, smelly gym shoes are good. Or useless, precarious stilettos.

How big are your boobs?

Bazongas or pancakes, either will do.

Do you have a tattoo?

Tramp stamp is excellent.

How short is your skirt?

Visible underwear is good.

How straight are your teeth?

Bucktoothed overbite is good.

Are your teeth white?

Coffee, tobacco and wine stained preferred.

Is your jewelry tasteful?

Rhinestones are perfect. Plastic pearls are good.

How’s your manicure?

She-devil talons or chewed to the bloody nubs, either is good.

How’s your personality?

Ha ha! Just kidding. Who gives a fuck about your personality?


WHY am I checking other women out in such exquisite detail?


threat level


Well, duh. I’m trying to assess the level of competitive threat. I’ve already contributed to the gene pool by having three children, and I’m not interested in having any more, but you might be. That could dilute the resources coming my way, and I’m obviously going to guard against that.


It’s rather selfish of me, in the long, long term, as refusing to share my husband’s DNA freely is probably impeding our development as a species, but too fucking bad. The Scientific American reports that a past willingness to breed fairly freely, even with other humanlike species, is probably what gave homo sapiens the upper edge against those other species and allowed us to become the triumphant victors in the DNA wars.




That’s all good and well, and I’m glad our ancestors were getting down with as many and as varied a number of people as possible, but the wars are over, we have won and I’m not feeling very generous when it comes to sharing my husband’s DNA.




It therefore makes me rather relieved to know that in England, where Peter Lloyd lives, the hourglass figure is becoming a thing of the past. Ladies have packed SEVEN extra inches around their waists since 1951, and a full 38% of them are overweight.


Not coincidentally, 35% of British women would rather be thin than earn more money. A further 8% would actually give UP £1000 to be thin.


Hmmm. That’s curious. I wonder why? If women’s value is primarily in how much money they earn, why should they care more about being thin?


Ha ha, don’t be silly. It’s because of the patriarchy, twisting women’s fragile little minds into believing that the entire point of their existence is to reproduce, and that the best reproductive strategy is to attract the very best DNA you can to ensure healthy, happy offspring.


And clearly, that’s not true. That’s obviously just a big lie based on millions of years of evolution concocted by some horrible men in lab coats who hate women.


Men’s preference for a slender woman with a small waist, and pronounced hips and breasts is simply a way of oppressing women, and the cult of thinness is a way to get women to focus on their bodies rather than their minds, which keeps them out of the upper echelons of society.




“Our culture pressures women to tend to their bodies. But if you don’t tend to your mind, how can you ascend into other levels of society?”


Because everybody knows thin women are also stupid, right?

Yeah, wrong.

The hourglass figure is strongly correlated with women’s fertility, and no amount of screaming that fat is beautiful is going to change that, or men’s preferences.


No matter what you actually do all day, or what your personal preferences towards reproduction happen to be, your brain and your body and your DNA just want to get the mini-me factory rolling, and that means you are constantly, and often unconsciously, evaluating the fitness and fertility status of the people around you, even if you have ZERO intention of smashing up your DNA into a little bundle of snuggly joy.




The minute an egg makes the leap from ovary to fallopian tube and heads for a sperm party in the uterus, a woman’s brain will prefer the smell of men oozing with testosterone, men who have features associated with masculinity such as a deep voice and a strong jawline.




It’s not a CONSCIOUS partiality, it’s a relic from our past that still has an impact on our instinctive preferences today.


Men have a similar instinctive preference: they like a high hip to waist ratio, because it DOES in fact, signal fertility.


It is now verboten to say that, because it makes the chubby ladies feel bad. Captain Capitalism has a few thoughts on this new prohibition against men openly declaring their preferences for women’s bodies, and I’ll just leave it right here for you.


Let’s get back to Peter Lloyd. What the hell does any of this have to do with Peter Lloyd?


Well, the fact is that ladies police each other in this competition to capture the best DNA, whether they understand it as that, or not. Indeed, it seems that even smart ladies with PhD’s can’t quite grasp what policing and evaluating other women’s appearances is all about. There’s no question that we DO, it’s just a matter of the WHY.


What’s going on in the minds of women? Have we become so vigilant about how we look in general — and our aging appearance specifically — that we’ve lost sight of the fact that we’re all in this together? Do we question and critique others because of our own fears and ambivalence about how we will deal as our looks change? Remember, by comparing, competing and then devaluing others in order to boost our own shaky sense of self, we join forces with the very culture that has created the need to do just that!


Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? We’re not all in this together.


And we keep an eye on each other. 20 seconds. That’s how long it will take me to assess your threat as a competitor. I will observe all your features, particularly those that signal health and fertility and measure them against my own and settle on a judgement.


And it’s not just me. I’ve posted this study before, but I’ll put it up against, because it’s just so telling.




Results showed that almost all women were aggressive toward the attractive female whose only indiscretion was to dress in a sexually provocative manner. The women in this situation were more likely to roll their eyes at their peer, stare her up and down and show anger while she was in the room. When she left the room, many of them laughed at her, ridiculed her appearance, and/or suggested that she was sexually available. By contrast, when the same attractive peer was dressed conservatively, the group of women assigned to this second scenario barely noticed her, and none of them discussed her when she left the room.


Vaillancourt, T.& Sharma, A. (2011). Intolerance of sexy peers: Intrasexual competition among women. Aggressive Behavior, 37, 569-577. doi: 10.1002/ab.20413


Personally, I have no problem with other women taking me apart visually. Go for it. Three kids and I still have a 26 inch waist, topped with some pretty awesome C-Cups. I weigh the exact same as I did when I met my husband. I don’t mind other women scanning me and rolling their eyes or snarking quietly.


Because I’m still competitive. Check out my ass all you want, ladies. I’ll bet it’s better than yours.




Plenty of women who don’t quite measure up aren’t so confident. They don’t like how they look when they’re working out. They hate being stared at and objectified. They feel intimidated by eyes that are assessing, measuring, calculating, evaluating and ultimately judging them.




At the same time, gyms can be incredibly patriarchal places where women often feel intimidated, harassed, out of place, and unwelcome. Also, the ads for gyms and the primary motivation for many women going to one is focused on (often unattainable) patriarchal standards of beauty.


What they seem to have forgotten is that it’s OTHER WOMEN who are doing the looking. It’s OTHER WOMEN who will behave aggressively if you’re a bit too sexy. It’s OTHER WOMEN who will notice that you actually look like shit.


Ladies who don’t like being objectified and stared at should probably stick to working out with lots of men present. I’ll go to the women’s only workouts.


And you can bet your ass I’m going to judge you.


Lots of love,



Want more BANG for your BURGER?

20 Nov

Check out what PPP  (Princess Pixie Pointless) has to add to JB’s phenominal anti-fatty-fat rant, here, MEEE!

Your FAT friends will make YOU fat, so get rid of them!

8 Nov

An interesting study from a couple of Canadian researchers is making its way around the internet today, concerning the effect fat friends have on thin women.  Apparently, women with fat friends can “catch” neuroses regarding their own bodies, and end up being worried about their weight, no matter what they actually weigh, if they are surrounded by friends whose weights are out of control.

Both Jezebel and the Telegraph have summaries of the research:

I am NOT fat, and neither is my BFF, Princess Pixie Pointless.  The two of us are not “naturally” thin.  Nope.  Not a chance.  We are thin because we care about being thin and we have the necessary self-control to watch our calorie intake and make certain we are not eating more than we need.

Yay for us.

However, I have lots of friends who ARE fat, who eat way more than their bodies require, who do moan about their weight (but do nothing about it) and who occasionally express envy that JudgyBitch isn’t fat like they are.  I go out to dinner with these friends and eat the amount I consider appropriate and I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to what the other ladies are eating because they are grown-ups and can decide for themselves what they would like to eat and how much.

The point here is that my fat friends are my FRIENDS, and I love them no matter what they weigh.  Their weight is their business and has nothing to do with how lovely they are as people. The idea that fat friends can make you neurotic about your weight rests on the assumption that women are a bunch of catty bitches who constantly assess one another as rivals and look for ways to tear each other down. And I have no doubt that lots of women ARE like that, which makes them ugly people no matter what they look like.

The idea that women cannot be friends without an undercurrent of competitiveness is such a destructive force in our society.  When the majority of women were at home, raising their own children while their husbands were out earning a living, women banded together to help each other, support each other and just bring a little laughter and happiness to one another’s lives.  Popular culture likes to paint the “housewife” as some downtrodden, emotionally deprived, unfulfilled caricature of a person, but the truth is that most women WANTED to be at home with their small children and STILL DO.

One of the biggest lies feminism tells young women is that they WON’T want to be at home with their infants and small children.  That only a paid job will fulfill them and bring meaning to their lives.  That only cash in a bank account will make them feel useful.  Feminism encourages young women to structure their lives around the assumption that they will have NO PROBLEM dropping the baby off for someone else to raise while they go get a manicure and head back to their cubicle.

The truth is that most women are absolutely gutted at having to leave their babies.  They hate it.   In countries that offer paid maternity leave, the sweeping majority of women take it.  Then they go back to work because they can’t afford their lives without two incomes.  And it’s all based on an insidious lie that older women tell younger women:  your baby won’t matter to you.

JudgyBitch plans on raising PinkyPinkyPie and LittleMissBossypants to understand that they most likely WILL want to be at home with their children,  should they choose to have any, and I will encourage them to pick credentials and careers that will give them that option.  LittleDude is being raised to understand that the best possible world for his children will be to have his wife at home and he needs to pick his credentials and career with that in mind.

So what does this have to do with fat friends?  It’s all part of a brave new world where a political ideology (feminism) has succeeded in destroying the relationships between men and women, between women and their children, between men and their children and now, between women themselves.  Women who hate other women, who lie to other women, who compete with other women, who don’t love and honor and protect other women have created a world where it has become downright dangerous to be a woman.

I’m grateful to my friends for being such solid, sensible women with no time for political grandstanding at the expense of every meaningful relationship in their lives.  Ladies, I love you, and even if you ARE fat, I’ll still go out to dinner with you.  And I won’t feel neurotic about myself afterwards, no matter what you eat.  But I will laugh til my sides ache and drink too much and end up dancing Gangnam Style, because that’s what we do.

We’re friends.

With love JB.

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